A/N: this was an assignment for school, but my friends thought it was funny, so i'm posting it!!! VIVA METMA!!
*****
'Twas the morning after Thanksgiving, and all through the store
Not an employee was sitting, they were reaching for more!
The sales signs were hung by the entrance with care,
In hopes that shoppers would notice them there.
The mothers were waiting, all filled with dread,
As outside the doors, lines made unhappy heads.
And managers with high hopes, and I with false cheer,
Had just prepped the store for a long day of fear.
Then out on the lot there arose such a noise
I sprang from my sales desk and lost all my poise!
Away to the registers I flew like a flash
Tore open the wrapping paper and began a mad dash.
The early morning light on the new hopeful shoppers
Were taped by a news report man from a 'copter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a big fat fake Santa, still loaded with beer.
With a little old slur, so tired and sick,
I knew in a moment it was the hired St. Nick!
More rapid than eagles my curses they came
As he whistled, and shouted, and said each beer by name.
"Oh Budweiser! Oh Heinekin! Oh Miller and Coors!"
And with that, he burst in the front doors.
To the top of the stairs, to the chair by the wall!
As he took his seat, he answered the first child's call.
As toys on that fateful morning they flew,
Each child came from Santa feeling sad and blue.
And then in a twinkling, I heard near the floor,
The whining and begging and asking for more!
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
Down the stairs came 'ol drunk St. Nick with a frown
He was dressed in red fabric, from his head to his cane,
And his clothes were all tarnished with various stains.
A bundle of beer cans he had flung on his back,
And he looked rather funny with that hideous sack.
His breath, how it stank, and he kept on a-belchin'
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like Boris Yeltzin.
I knew at once I must save the kids from this scene
So i dressed up in Santa's festive red and green!
I grabbed off his face that false beard of white,
Then I "showed" him out and began to set children right!
They were angry and mean, and abusing an elf,
And I laughed when i saw them, in spite of myself.
With a smile on my face, and a quick HO HO HO
I looked kind of like a retarded Leo D'Caprio!
I spoke only those words, and went straight to work.
A kid peed on me, but I didn't go berserk.
And many, many children had fingers up a nose
But I persevered, I did not even doze!
I saved my department store from a rotten St. Nick
(When next year comes, though, I hope that I'm sick!)
Well, I survived, I came out barely alive
Merry Christmas to all, bring complaints to aisle five!!
*******
Disclaimer: I didn't write "Twas the night before Christmas" i just made fun of it. kays? so dont sue me!!
Now, please review! otherwise, jolly drunk st. nick will bring you only empty beer cans for christmas....(i dont have to worry cuz i'm jewish..HA!)
*****
'Twas the morning after Thanksgiving, and all through the store
Not an employee was sitting, they were reaching for more!
The sales signs were hung by the entrance with care,
In hopes that shoppers would notice them there.
The mothers were waiting, all filled with dread,
As outside the doors, lines made unhappy heads.
And managers with high hopes, and I with false cheer,
Had just prepped the store for a long day of fear.
Then out on the lot there arose such a noise
I sprang from my sales desk and lost all my poise!
Away to the registers I flew like a flash
Tore open the wrapping paper and began a mad dash.
The early morning light on the new hopeful shoppers
Were taped by a news report man from a 'copter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a big fat fake Santa, still loaded with beer.
With a little old slur, so tired and sick,
I knew in a moment it was the hired St. Nick!
More rapid than eagles my curses they came
As he whistled, and shouted, and said each beer by name.
"Oh Budweiser! Oh Heinekin! Oh Miller and Coors!"
And with that, he burst in the front doors.
To the top of the stairs, to the chair by the wall!
As he took his seat, he answered the first child's call.
As toys on that fateful morning they flew,
Each child came from Santa feeling sad and blue.
And then in a twinkling, I heard near the floor,
The whining and begging and asking for more!
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
Down the stairs came 'ol drunk St. Nick with a frown
He was dressed in red fabric, from his head to his cane,
And his clothes were all tarnished with various stains.
A bundle of beer cans he had flung on his back,
And he looked rather funny with that hideous sack.
His breath, how it stank, and he kept on a-belchin'
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like Boris Yeltzin.
I knew at once I must save the kids from this scene
So i dressed up in Santa's festive red and green!
I grabbed off his face that false beard of white,
Then I "showed" him out and began to set children right!
They were angry and mean, and abusing an elf,
And I laughed when i saw them, in spite of myself.
With a smile on my face, and a quick HO HO HO
I looked kind of like a retarded Leo D'Caprio!
I spoke only those words, and went straight to work.
A kid peed on me, but I didn't go berserk.
And many, many children had fingers up a nose
But I persevered, I did not even doze!
I saved my department store from a rotten St. Nick
(When next year comes, though, I hope that I'm sick!)
Well, I survived, I came out barely alive
Merry Christmas to all, bring complaints to aisle five!!
*******
Disclaimer: I didn't write "Twas the night before Christmas" i just made fun of it. kays? so dont sue me!!
Now, please review! otherwise, jolly drunk st. nick will bring you only empty beer cans for christmas....(i dont have to worry cuz i'm jewish..HA!)