Ever since she found out about the twins, going into work made her stomach tie up in knots and her skin crawl. At first, she had equated it to morning sickness, but soon she noticed it when her husband even mentioned the idea of heading into work. And when she broke into a sweat each time her phone rang, she began to think it was just her fluctuating hormones. It wasn't until she was sitting at her desk one day, and felt one of them move inside her. She almost didn't notice it, and thought she was imagining it at first. But when she felt it again, she stopped talking in the middle of her sentence. Ryan turned away from the board to look at her. "Beckett, are you okay?"
As he asked, Castle's hand came to rest in the small of her back, the concerned look on his face plain to see. She reached around to lace her fingers with his, reassuring him. "I'm fine, sorry." They hadn't told anyone yet, afraid of the repercussions if anything went wrong again. She shook her head, trying to remember what she had been saying before. "You two canvas the convenience store, find out what else was going on there for business. Castle and I will interview Jonas again, see if immunity might get him to give something up." The boys nodded at her and headed towards the elevator, arguing over whose turn it was to drive.
"So, are you going to tell me what that was all about, or leave me in the dark?" Her husband asked, his soft voice still managing to startle her.
She rubbed the slight curve of her abdomen where her skin was stretched tight over the lives growing inside of her. It was still small enough to be hidden by baggy clothing. "One of them moved." She didn't know why the tears sprung to her eyes, as she hadn't been this emotional last time.
He wrapped his arms around her, protecting her, and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Let's get out of here, Jonas will be stuck here for a while."
He took her to Remy's, finding a booth in the back so she wouldn't feel as self-conscious about her tears. She shook her head as she talked to him. "I can't do it anymore, Castle, I just can't do it."
He grabbed her hand. "Do what?"
"I can't go back there, to the precinct." She didn't understand how she had done it before. Being married to her job meant that she met so many milestones there throughout her first pregnancy. She felt him move for the first time, she dealt with the majority of her morning sickness there, and had displayed the ultrasound photo on her desk with pride. She had also been the place where she discovered the blood, and was rushed to the hospital. It was where she was when she realized that her baby was gone. She blamed herself at first. Maybe if she had gone on desk duty earlier, or didn't pull so many all nighters looking for clues in the money trails she would be the proud mama of a beautiful baby boy.
Castle had been her rock. He didn't blame her or the job. He fought for her to be able to take off as much time as she needed so she could mourn the life they'd never meet. And he had listened to her, really listened to her for the first time since she had known him. He gave her space as she needed it and was right next to her the moment that she called for him. She had never been more thankful for her attentive husband in her life.
It had taken multiple sessions with Dr. Burke to get her back in the precinct, back to what she felt was the most meaningful thing she did. But all that changed in one instant, the moment she felt one of her babies move within her. Because now it was real, and she was terrified of history repeating itself. She shook her head. "I can't do it, I can't go through it all again."
He sighed, squeezing her hand a little tighter. "Can you do me a favor? Can you sleep on it?" She raised her eyes to meet his, taking in his concerned expression and unshed tears. "Because I know this is killing you," he chose his words carefully, "but I'd hate to see you give up something you love so quickly."
She nodded, resolved to do whatever he suggested. She had already resigned. Twice. If she changed her mind, they might not take her back so easily. She knew with every fiber of her being that he would support her no matter what she wanted to do. "I can do that. I just don't want to go back today."
He acknowledged her with a slight nod of his head, squeezing her hand once before releasing it to eat some of his fries. "Whatever you want. Call the boys." He pointed to her untouched plate. "But after that you need to eat. Help our babies grow big and strong."
She rolled her eyes as she pulled out her phone. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."
When Esposito picked up, she gave him some excuse about food poisoning, and asked if they could handle the case alone for a day. He assured her that they could, and wished her well, telling her to rest up for interrogations tomorrow. She hung up and ate a few of her fries, unable to hide her smile as her husband shot her a smug grin.
She slept when they got home. One thing she had noticed this time around was that she was so much more exhausted. Castle said it was because there were two of them now, and they took up more of her energy. Whether or not that was true, the nap was met with open arms as she sunk down into their comfy bed. Her eyes were closed as she hit the pillow, and she was out in minutes.
Castle didn't nap. He had writing to catch up on. He was chapters behind in the next Nikki Heat, and had been spending too much of his time on his other project. It was his special project, writing he did only for him, and it would never see the light of day. He hadn't even shown it to Kate, fearing how it might set her off.
Writing had always been his coping mechanism, a way for him to explore his feelings in a more in depth manner. He found himself turning to it in his times of struggle, poring his heart and soul into notebooks, creating characters that had dealt with similar trials and helping them get through it. The loss of their son was no different. He wrote stories about Dave and Julie Chapman, a cop and a stay-at-home Dad. Julie was the most beautiful, perfect, sarcastic woman Dave had ever met, and he fell for her hard. Everything went right in their world. Sure, they had spats, and misunderstandings, but at the end of the day they loved each other completely, so nothing else mattered. It was just like him and Kate, more so than Nikki and Rook, because he used their actual conversations as dialogue.
The difference was, Dave and Julie had a son named Miles that was woven in there somewhere. Castle had fun writing Miles. When Mom said "no," Dad said "yes." Dave and Miles built blanket forts, waiting for Julie to get home, or played laser tag in the backyard. Once, Dave set up yarn like laser sensors and set up a fake spy mystery. Julie had come home and joined them, schooling them both.
Miles was the only part of his life that he let into his writing. Even in his fake notebooks, he had never once mentioned Alexis by name. He hadn't ever created a character based off of her. But he liked to imagine the son they never got to meet, what he might be like.
Miles Simon Castle. They picked out a name quicker than he thought they would. There was little arguing, and only a few mentions of Cosmo. Kate liked classic names, and they both found that they liked that one. With the twins it had been harder. After the miscarriage, they had done a slew of tests when they found out she was pregnant again, hoping to prevent another one. Names this time around weren't as easy, at least not for the boy. They had picked out Elizabeth's name easy enough. But nothing was good enough the second time around. He closed his laptop, trying to shut Nikki and Rook down in his mind with the motion, and headed into their bedroom. He was surprised to see her awake and staring at the ceiling. The ceiling was good. Usually when she couldn't sleep, she stared at the framed ultrasound picture on her nightstand. He climbed into the bed with her, his arm resting protectively over her stomach. "I was looking forward to napping with you." He told her, closing his eyes.
She chuckled. "Well, your children are keeping me up."
"They're still moving?"
She nodded, turning her head to face him. "It's cool, you know? I don't want to miss it."
He ran his hand up and down the bare skin on her abdomen. "I wish I could feel it. I'm so jealous."
She laughed. "You say that now. Wait until I'm in labor, you won't be so jealous then."
"No, I'll just feel bad for putting you in that situation."
"If I remember correctly, I was a willing participant." She quipped at him, and he shook with laughter.
They laid together in silence for a bit, each listening to the other breathe. It always amazed him how in sync they were, even in moments like these, when even their breaths were one in the same. He broke the silence first. "What about Nicholas for a middle name?"
Her eyebrow quirked as she looked up at him with amusement. "Nicholas as in Old Saint Nick? Don't you think that's taking their due date a little too seriously?"
He grinned. "But I love Christmas! And it's only their middle names, so no one would have to know!"
She closed her eyes, thinking. He was sure she would shoot it down. It was never a name that had popped up on their radar before. "I kind of like it." She finally whispered, a smile stretching across her face. "Nicholas and Noelle. Even though I don't like matching names for twins." She pulled herself closer to him. "It's cute."
They spent a few hours like that, tossing around a few first names that sounded nice with Nicholas. When Alexis came home, they ordered in, neither of them in the mood to cook. They settled in to watch a movie together, and when they fell asleep, Kate found herself feeling better than she had in a while.
The next morning, her husband was gone before she woke. It wasn't a surprise to her, she knew he would be stuck in meetings and signings all day. She grabbed her phone and opened to her unread messages. She had two, one from Esposito and one from Castle. She read the one from Esposito first, worried it might be a pressing matter regarding her case. Hey, Beckett. Just wanted to know how you were feeling. And wanted to let you know that Jonas confessed, so you don't have to come in today if you still feel like shit. She breathed out a sigh of relief as she read the message. Despite being told that it wasn't her job that made her lose Miles, the thought of being there with the twins was still nerve racking. She opened the one from Castle next. Good morning! I know we didn't talk about it much yesterday, but you know I will stand with you no matter what you plan to do. I love you. She felt the corners of her mouth turning upward as she asked herself again what she had done in her life do deserve that man.
After making herself breakfast, she sat down and examined the problem at hand. Yeah, she was fine now, and her mandatory desk duty would be starting soon. She hated desk duty. She always itched to do something other than stare at numbers and texts or letters all day. And there was a difference between the crime scene photos and actually being present at a scene. But it was dangerous in her current state. And the more she thought about it, the more she realized that it was dangerous all the time. That had never deterred her before, but now, with a family that depended on her, she was looking forward to being around for them. If she had learned anything over the years, it was that the time she had been granted was never guaranteed, and she was leaning toward leaving just to increase her chances of sticking around. But the question then was what to do now? Because Kate Beckett was many things, but jobless would never be an option.
It was mid-afternoon by the time she made her way to the precinct. The boys were out on lunch, which was relieving. She didn't want to face them yet. She made her way into the captain's office, knocking before she stepped in. "Detective Beckett. How are you feeling?"
Kate shot the woman a shy smile. This was uncharted territory. She didn't know how to do this without being angry or moving up in her career. "Can I talk to you, in private?"
Gates nodded, beckoning to the chair. "Shut the door behind you."
Kate did so, and sat across from the Captain. She took a deep breath in and out. "Sir, I'm pregnant." That wasn't what she planned to say, damn pregnancy brain.
Gates sat back in her chair, surprised but visibly happy about the news. "That's great! Oh, you both must be so excited! When are you due?"
Kate almost didn't register the question as she tried to figure out how to get to the real reason she was here. "Um, December 22nd. Right near Christmas. Castle is thrilled."
Gates eyed her with apprehension. "That's not what you came here to talk to me about."
Kate shook her head slowly back and forth. She bit the inside of her cheek before continuing. "I want to resign."
"Because you're worried."
"Yes. But not just for the reasons you think." Everyone knew about their loss, had seen her devastation, and she knew people would jump to that conclusion. "I mean, there's the obvious, but let's be honest here. There have been more attempts on my life than what is normal for an NYPD detective. Whether it's because I'm good at my job, or my higher profile because of Nikki Heat, I don't know and I don't care." She sighed, her hand resting over her small bump, the first time she had shown it in public. "What I do know is that it might not stop, and I don't want my kids growing up without a mother. I know what that feels like, and I don't ever want to put them through that."
Gates was silent, letting the words sink in. Her brown eyes snapped up to meet Kate's. "You have to do what's best for your children. I get it, I really do." Kate dropped her badge and gun on the desk as she spoke. "I'll be sad to see you go, and a bit disappointed too." She smiled then, calming Kate's nerves. "I always thought you'd be the one to beat my record. Youngest female Captain. You would have been one of the best."
Kate smiled. "Thanks, sir."
Gates stood up with her, and came around the desk, enveloping her in a warm embrace. "You will be missed." She pulled away and opened the door, seeing Kate out. "Did you tell the other detectives yet?"
Kate shook her head. "Not yet. We'll probably invite them out to the Old Haunt tomorrow and tell them ourselves."
Gates nodded. "I see. Well, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors."
"Thank you sir." Kate headed toward the elevator for the last time, but turned when she heard her name being called.
"You know how I feel about civilians in my precinct." Kate noted her serious expression and nodded. When the Captain broke into a smile, it took her by surprise. "I hope you understand that you, Mr. Castle, and your little one will always be welcome here."
Kate grinned, and didn't take the time to correct Gates on her singular noun. "Of course. We'll definitely come visit." With that, she left, knowing that it would never be the last time.
When Castle came home, it was strangely quiet. He kicked off his shoes and walked into the loft, listening for sounds of life. He heard soft music playing in the bedroom, and followed it. There, he found Kate, her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head, the laptop sitting in her lap. Next to her was a big blue book, with thick white letters across the top of it. LSAT, a prep book. He felt the corners of his mouth turning up. "I thought you liked to take criminals down."
She startled at the sound of his voice, giggling at herself as she realized who was there. "Yeah, but as an ADA I can still get justice, and still work closely with my team." She closed the computer. "I did it. I resigned."
He nodded, sinking down on the bed next to her. "I think that was a good choice." He grinned at her, his eyebrows wiggling. "Nikki needed a career change anyway."
She chuckled, her head shaking side to side. "Did she now?"
He leaned in to kiss her, slow and tender, telling her he was there for her in the softness of his lips. He pulled away to look in her eyes. He hoped one of the twins had her eyes. "Are you doing okay?"
"Better than ever." Her smile revealed the truth. She was doing just fine. They were doing just fine.
A/N: This was thanks to an incredible prompt on my tumblr. I hope it made the anon proud!
I AM POSTING THIS ON ALL MY STORIES FOR THE MONTH OF APRIL! April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, which, as you may know, means a lot to me personally. I have a video, www DOT youtube DOT com SLASH watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 where I talk about how I want to change the world, by getting us survivors to start talking about how we are survivors and proud. By getting us to stop hiding in the shadows, because we are not the ones who should feel ashamed. If we don't come forward and raise our voices, we won't ever change anything. That, and if I had seen a video like mine, I may have come forward sooner, and would have been out of a dangerous situation faster, and I hope that this will actually save someone. That, and I made a facebook page, facebook DOT com SLASH ordinaryisextraordinary. Here, I have an album of survivor photos and I post articles and inspirational quotes. It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives. I'm going to post this same update on all of my stories throughout the month of April because of the awareness, so I'm sorry if it bothers you.