Summary: Voldemort tells Snape about his plan to kill Harry. Early GoF. Heavily inspired by Evadne, who rocks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, it wouldn't end. Like, ever.
A/N: First HP fic, excuse the crapness. Also my first fic in ages, yay for getting off my ass and doing things! Anyway, so I was contemplating the plot of GoF, and it occurred to me how absolutely ridiculously complicated it was. So, I had to write this. All credit for girly Lucius goes entirely to Evadne and her amazing fic, Once Upon A Freakin' Time. Cookies for reviewers, and fudge for anyone who spots the tragically obvious Heroes reference!
Voldemort Decides To Kill Harry (Take 3)
"And then we'll do the spell, and I will be… … … reborn! Then we'll inspire fear into the hearts of innocent people. But I want a milkshake and brownies after that. We'll apparate to that American diner in Texas..."
Snape stared at He-Who-Shan't-Be-Named-Out-Of-Fear-Of-A-Normal-Length-Name. Severus was used to the hare-brained schemes and random cravings of Lord Voldemort, but this took evil idiot to new heights.
"So, let me get this straight. You're going to attack Mad Eye Moody, famous Auror, send in Barty Crouch's son Polyjuiced up as Moody right under Dumbledore's nose, Confound one of the most powerful magical objects in Britain, get Harry Potter, possibly the stupidest boy alive apart from Weasley, through the Triwizard Tournament despite the fact he's underage and Dumbledore's pet, get him to the centre of the maze first, before all the other much older, smarter and prettier champions, then disarm him, take his blood, kill him, and then get brownies, killing the waitress I'm sure, as Wormtail spent all the funds on RatSnax again."
He stared at The-One-With-Too-Many-Names.
Voldemort blinked.
"Err… yeah."
"Wouldn't it be easier to just snatch Harry Potter before he goes to school? Or steal a vial of his blood by Imperiusing Poppy?"
"Poppy?"
"Madam Pomfrey."
"Oooo, I spy a history…"
"Don't interrupt me, I'm ranting. Like I said, wouldn't it be easier to get his blood after he's dead? We could kill him in the Tournament. Or do we even have to involve the Tournament? Couldn't we get someone else's blood, and kill Potter when you're stronger? And what is with your brownie obsession?"
Voldemort stared at him.
"Well…"
"Why do you always have a need to come up with the most complicated and stupid plan? They never even work!"
"Ahhh, but… If I DIDN'T come up with complicated, drawn out stupid plans, I wouldn't be and evil GENIUS!!!! Muhahahahahahhahahahahahahaha… mwuhahahahahahahahhahah…. Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"
Snape leapt over the table, knocking chairs out the way as he ran for the door, screaming "MY EARS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! MYYYYY EAAAAAARRRRRRSSSS!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!"
He fell out the door and knocked over Lucius Malfoy who was listening in for some information. Wide-eyed, he said "Severus, did I hear…"
"Yeah, you did, he's started laughing again. Run! Run for your life!!"
As they ran screaming, Lucius screaming very high pitched, Voldemort's awful evil laugh echoed down the hall.
"So, Snape, how screwed are we this time?"
"Very, he's involved Portkeys and Polyjuice…"