** Disclaimer: Digimon not belong to Og. Og smash.
Also, a few notes: I "Americanized" this tale quite a lot. The Digidestined are Americans, because I didn't want to research Japanese law and discover that it states contrary to the story I wanted to tell. I'd rather get the tale out as is, with the original ideas behind it.
In addition, please note that this story is not meant to make a political statement. I do not believe that the issues presented within have one single, ultimate solution, like American lawmakers and political movements make it seem. This is just a story of one woman, and the choices that she makes. Because choice is a good thing. **
Turning out the light,
Press a flashlight up against the wall.
You say, "This is how we knew him, in a little egg.
It opened up, and this is Daddy now."
-- Toad the Wet Sprocket
Another wave of nausea passed over me as I held the indicator stick in my shaking hands. The instructions told me to wait five minutes, but the stick immediately began turning pink after I'd gone through the necessary steps. I closed my eyes tightly and felt the bile rising in my throat, and I just barely placed the indicator stick on the sink's cold porcelain before I fell to my knees at the toilet and vomited again.
I wiped my mouth with a wad of toilet paper, inwardly cringing. It wasn't the first time I'd thrown up this week, and I figured it wouldn't be the last time. If the pink-tipped plastic stick lying on the sink was any indication, I knew exactly what had been causing me to feel so nauseous all throughout the week.
"Jeez, Sora, are you going to be in there all day?" a male voice called through the locked door.
"Just a minute, Tai," I managed to choke out, and I began to gather up the materials of the test, throwing them haphazardly into the brown paper bag the clerk at the drugstore had given to me. He couldn't find out just yet, not until I was absolutely certain... I hid the contents underneath the sink, in the cabinet.
Tai gave me a light kiss on the cheek as I brushed past him on my way out of the bathroom. "If I'd known you were always going to take this long in the can, I'd have sprung for an apartment with two toilets," he joked.
I forced a smile to my lips and merely nodded as the brown-haired young man traded places with me in the bathroom, several comic books in hand.
**
Three days later, I approached him as he was watching television, his feet propped up on the coffeetable and remote in hand. He flipped from football to hockey, then back to football.
"Uh. Tai? I think we need to talk," I said, somewhat meekly, from where I stood behind him.
"Sure. What's up?" he asked, not even drawing his eyes from the TV.
I cleared my throat and replied, "You should turn off the television for this."
"Hunh?" he asked, starting up and immediately flicking the remote. The television went black. "Is something wrong, Sora?"
"There is, Tai. Sort-of. I mean, maybe it's wrong." I walked around the couch and sat beside him, crossing my fingers together and resting them between my knees.
Tai slipped an arm around my stiff shoulders. "Talk to me," he murmured, shifting his body closer to mine.
For a moment, I couldn't look up, but I drew a breath and gathered the courage to look him in the eye. "Tai, I'm pregnant. I went to the doctor's today, and he confirmed it."
Tai didn't speak for a minute, and the seconds ticked by like an eternity. He kept his arm around me the whole time, though, as he pondered over the situation and its implications. "You mean -- we're going to have a baby?" he asked after a time.
"That's generally what happens when one gets pregnant," I said, giving him a small, tentative smile.
He stared at me mutely, his face registering no emotion. But then it clicked. His lips opened in a wide, toothy smile, the smile I fell in love with ten years ago. "I'm going to be a father!" he cried out. "Oh, Sora, we're going to be parents!"
I felt him lift me up beneath the arms and spin me around, and I fought hard against the nausea. "So, you want to keep the baby?" I whispered in his ear.
Tai dropped me to the ground and stared at me with large eyes, his mirth dissolving quickly. "You ...want to get rid of it?" he whispered.
"I -- I don't know," I said, looking up at him, meeting my gaze with his expressive brown eyes. "I mean, neither of us is finished with college, and we're not married..."
"We both only have one more year to go," he said weakly. "And I can get another job to support us." It didn't escape my notice that he didn't address the issue of marriage.
"I'm afraid, Tai," I whispered. "It's a big responsibility. And I'm only twenty. Maybe it would be better for the child if it wasn't born."
Tai just stared at me with those wide, brown, sad eyes of his, and he rubbed my stomach warmly with a hand. "Sora, I know you're pro-choice, but that doesn't mean you have to end this baby's life. It's ours."
I frowned faintly. "This isn't a game, Tai."
"I know, Sora," he said, his brow furrowing. "Maybe you need to realize that, yourself. There is no 'off' switch if you want to quit."
Looking away, I murmured, "I don't want to have an abortion either, Tai. But I do want to do what's right."
"What does your heart tell you?" he whispered, tilting my chin back towards him with his gentle fingers.
As I gazed into his large, expressive, brown eyes, I realized I knew the answer all along.
**
"Hello, Mom? Hey, there, it's Tai. How are you doing, Mom -- or should I say, 'Grandmom'?"
"Matt! Buddy! You're never going to guess the news! No... No... Oh, come on, you're not even close! Sora and I are going to be parents!"
"How are you doing there, Kari? Hey, I've got some news for you. You're going to be an aunt! ... Huh? Marriage? Well, I suppose... I don't know just yet."
Tai was much more excited about the prospect of becoming a father than I was over becoming a mother. Already he was buying games and toys for our unborn child, on the thin budget that we kept. It worried me to no end; however, he was also spending his time pampering me, making sure I was comfortable, rubbing my feet after a long day at the university or holding back my hair when I threw up.
One day he came back to the apartment with a box full of things he'd brought from his parent's home, and he began to spread its contents out on the floor before me. I sat on the couch with my feet propped up and my hands laced over my belly, which was already starting to show signs of a swell.
"Look, Sora, it's my blanket. I never let this thing out of my sight when I was a baby. I cried so much on my first day of school and Mom made me leave it behind," he laughed. "And this was my favorite truck, and these -- oh, goodness! My first pair of goggles!" He pulled the small pair of round goggles, the lenses nearly opaque with age, from the box. "Every baby boy needs his own set of goggles!"
I gave Tai a gentle smile, amused at his childlike enthusiasm. "What if the baby is a girl, Tai?" I said accusingly.
"Then we'll get her a helmet, like that monstrosity you used to wear." He ducked as I tossed a pillow at his head.
"Sora," he whispered, his voice suddenly falling just short of breathless. He withdrew something small and white, fitting neatly in the palm of his hand. "I thought this was gone forever..."
I recognized it immediately. "Your Digivice."
"Do you think -- maybe our baby will get to go to the Digital World?" he murmured, eyes wide.
I furrowed my brow, feeling slightly disturbed at the idea. After all, I knew now how much worry we must have caused our parents when we first disappeared into the Digital World ten years ago. "Maybe, Tai. Maybe..." I trailed off, and Tai proceeded to show me all the other toys and baby items in the box, rediscovering a world lost long ago to him, an innocence that closed with the gate upon our return home from the Digital World.
**
"This may be a bit cold at first, Ms. Takenouchi," Dr. Edwards said as a nurse smeared my large belly with a clear, chilly goop. I was four months along, and this was my first ultrasound. I was alone, however, because Tai had to put in extra hours at the video store in order to have some money left over after rent. Life in Cambridge was never cheap.
I laughed as the doctor placed the paddle against my stomach. "Ack! That tickles!" I said, jumping slightly at the unexpected feel of the monitor.
"Just relax, Ms. Takenouchi, and watch the monitor," said the doctor with a pleasant smile.
The black and white monitor showed several unrecognizable blobs upon the screen, fuzzy white images with no borders. It was my baby. Despite the anxiousness my pregnancy instilled in me, I was still brimming with pride when I saw it on the monitor firsthand.
"There are the feet," said the doctor, pointing to each fuzzy blob while the nurse moved the ultrasound monitor around my belly. "There's the chest." His brow furrowed somewhat, however, when he murmured, "There's its head. Judy, might I take over for a moment?"
"Is something wrong?" I asked, blinking when the doctor took the ultrasound paddle from the nurse's hands and moved it to a certain spot outside my womb.
"It's likely nothing to be alarmed about, Ms. Takenouchi," said the doctor, staring at the screen before he resumed the routine ultrasound.
"Can you tell what sex my baby is? I -- I want to know."
The doctor glanced at me and gave me a nervous smile. "It's a boy."
"A boy. Tai will be so proud," I said, leaning my head back against the hospital bed's pillow, and the doctor finished pointing out every single recognizable body part on my perfect little baby.
**
I had just finished getting dressed when Dr. Edwards returned to the examining room at the hospital. I looked over at him, securing the last button on my shirt, and I gave him a light smile. It wasn't returned.
"Ms. Takenouchi, I'm afraid I have some... bad news to tell you."
My eyes widened, and a small gasp of panic rose in my throat. "Wh-what is it?" I stammered. "It's not my baby, is it?"
"I'm afraid so," he said, and he pulled a chair up beside my bed.
I sank down and stared wide-eyed at the old, balding doctor. His eyes were pained, but his voice held the calm of a man who had delivered The Bad News many times over in his career.
"Your ultrasound showed that your baby is not developing correctly. Specifically, the skull and the brain. Now, I want to perform a few extra tests just to be sure, but it appears as if your baby has a condition known as anencephaly."
"What's that?" I whispered.
"It's a neural tube defect, where the skull and the brain of the child don't form the way they should. The child is born with only an undeveloped brain stem, and in many cases, they're stillborn. The brain stem isn't advanced enough to control the baby's vital functions to survive."
"Is there anything you can do for my baby?" I murmured, feeling the blood drain from my face.
Dr. Edwards shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Ms. Takenouchi. Children born with anencephaly do not survive. Your baby will die."
I made a choked noise in the back of my throat, but I did not cry.
**
I walked from the hospital numbly, scheduling a followup set of examinations, amniocentesis and the like. Before I reached the sliding doors of the lobby, I heard a familiar voice calling my name.
"Sora! Hey, Sora, wait up!"
I turned to see Joe Kido, dressed in a long white coat and green, hospital-regulation pants, running towards me. His long, bluish-black hair was held back in a loose ponytail, and he tossed aside the clipboard he was carrying at the receptionist's desk.
"Joe," I murmured, forcing the faintest, most insincere smile to my lips. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm an intern here this semester. I'm in the psych ward for now, but next term I go to pediatrics. I'm really looking forward to that. Working with kids is the reason I stayed in this profession. I'm on a break now," he babbled as he caught up with me. His smile faded, though, as he caught the expression in my eyes. "Hey, is everything okay? You look like someone died..."
I opened my mouth to tell him I was okay, that I was only here for nothing more than a routine checkup, but instead I burst into tears. Without a word to him, I covered my face with both my hands and started sobbing.
Joe immediately hooked an arm around my shoulders and led me the rest of the way through the lobby and out into the cold November afternoon. We sat down on an outside bench, and he drew me to him, his fingers gently stroking my hair. He didn't say anything as my shoulders heaved with uncontrollable sobs.
Finally, I managed to bring myself back under control, and I ran a hand over Joe's white coat, stained with my tears. "I slobbered all over you, Joe. I'm sorry," I mumbled, chest shivering and a few tears still flowing.
"Ssh, don't worry about it. This coat has seen worse," he said gently. He kept his arm around me, although companionably. He knew I needed a friend. "Can you tell me what's the matter?" Then, as if the thought just crossed his mind, he reached into his opposite pocket and withdrew a small, portable package of tissues and handed it to me.
I took one of the tissues from the packet and blew my nose. "It's ... my baby," I murmured. Joe, as well as the other Digidestined, already knew of my state, thanks to Tai's exuberance. "The doctor's not totally certain, but he thinks my child this condition... Anencephaly."
"Sora, I'm sorry," Joe murmured. My heart sank as I realized that Joe was familiar with the affliction, and his tone didn't hold much hope. "Does Tai know?"
"No, not yet. He had to work."
"What are you going to do about it?"
"The doctor said I should terminate the pregnancy now and save myself the grief. I told him I'd have to talk it over with Tai." I sniffled, and took another tissue to dab at fresh tears.
"You have to do what's best for you," said Joe, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "That's not an easy decision to make."
"What do you think I should do, Joe?" I murmured, turning my teary eyes towards him.
Joe paled, his eyes going wide behind his oval-shaped glasses. "Like I said, it's not my decision to make. But... my recommendation would be to end the pregnancy. Just from a clinical standpoint, that's all."
"Oh, Joe," I mumbled, shaking my head. "My baby... My sweet, sweet baby..."
Joe could only hold me, awkwardly, as I fought hard to keep from breaking down completely.
**
That night, I paced until I thought I would wear out the carpet while I waited for Tai. He didn't come through the door until close to midnight, and although he was dead tired, he was eager to know what the results of today's ultrasound.
"Hey, sweetheart," he said, giving me a kiss on the lips as he passed through the door. "How did things go at the doctor's today?"
I twisted my hands nervously, and Tai's expression turned to one of concern. "There's a problem..." I murmured, and I proceeded to tell him everything. This time, I managed to keep from crying, like I had with Joe. With every word, his face got paler and paler, until I thought he might pass out from the shock.
"Our baby's going to ... die?" he whispered, staring down into my eyes.
"The doctor thinks I should end the pregnancy."
"Sora, no!" he cried out. "No, you can't!"
"What else am I supposed to do, Tai?"
"No. No, please, no," he begged.
Tai slipped to his knees and wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his head against my stomach helplessly.
**
Tai and I stood over Joe's shoulder in the hospital's computer lab while he typed in a few rapid search commands on the web site.
"I hope you realize that I charge extra for miracles," he said with a tentative smile, hoping to lighten the grim mood some.
Neither of us laughed, and Joe turned back to the screen with a gulp. Both of us knew he'd work as hard as he could to find a miracle, if there was one out there, despite his words to the contrary. The high-speed connection brought up a large number of sites, mostly support groups and memorials to deceased anencephalic children. Joe skipped past the hospital files on the topic, knowing that the autopsy photos would only disturb us further.
Finally, after an hour of poring over web sites, Joe sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I hate to say it, guys, but it doesn't look as if I'll be uncovering any miracle cures," he said matter-of-factly. The older boy never could gloss over the truth in euphemistic terms. "But you might want to consider the option of organ donation. There's information on the Internet about it. You might at least find solace that your child's organs can be used to help another child live."
"We'll think about it, Joe," I said quietly. "Thanks for giving us the information."
"I'm only sorry I couldn't find something more for you," he said, staring down at the keyboard.
Tai placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and tried to smile. "It's okay, Joe. You tried."
**
Tai held me that night, and we talked over our options in the darkness. He rested his chin against my bare shoulder, and I could feel his hot breath as he whispered in my ear.
"Do you think we should consider organ donation, Sora?" he murmured.
"I don't know, Tai. I didn't like what I read on those Internet sites Joe pulled up for us. They don't wait until the baby's dead -- it's the operation to remove the organs that kills the child. At least, according to those sites."
"But think about it, Sora," he murmured. "Some other child, a seriously ill child, could benefit! I hate to say it this way, but we know our baby's going to die anyway."
I started upright, and I glared down at him. "I don't believe you, Taichi Yagami!" I spat, feeling suddenly horrified at his words. "First you don't want me to get an abortion... But now you want my baby's organs to be harvested, like he's nothing more than... than... a vegetable!" In my anger, I couldn't come up with a better comparison.
"Look, ending a pregnancy and saving another's life are two different things!" he said, his brows furrowing angrily.
"That doesn't change the fact that an abortion and organ harvesting both kill an innocent child!"
"And what about helping others? Don't be so selfish, Sora!"
"You were the one that was so dead-set against me having an abortion in the first place."
"I can't believe I'm sitting here and listening to this," Tai grumbled, vaulting out of bed and wrapping his robe around his naked body.
"Where are you going?"
"To sleep on the couch."
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
It was such a lonely night. I wrapped my hands around my burgeoning belly as tears slipped down my cheeks.
**
"Make love to me, Sora?" Tai whispered, several weeks later. We'd made up two days after the initial argument, but things between us continued to be strained.
"I don't want to, Tai," I murmured, turning over onto my side with a sigh.
"Please? We haven't been intimate since... since, you know..." Since the doctor gave us the news, he meant.
"I know. I just haven't been in the mood."
"Sora, can't we just forget about this for one night? I miss you."
"I can't forget about it, Tai. Sometimes, I wish I'd never gotten pregnant in the first place. Sometimes, I wish I'd ended it earlier."
Tai's fingers trailed against my shoulder, and he stared at me for several long, silent moments. I couldn't bring myself to look back at him. I didn't want to meet his gaze. "Did you ever stop to think that it's hard on me too?"
"You can't feel him moving, Tai. You can't understand. He's a part of me, inside me, and the moment he leaves me, into this world, he's going to die. A part of me is going to die."
"That child is a part of me, too," he said, his voice growing steadily more angry. "I don't want him to die any more than you do. But we've got to face facts. And you have to start letting me in. I love you, Sora."
I blinked, not knowing how to answer him. Instead, I kept quiet... How could I tell him what I was feeling? Like my world was being torn apart? What if it was my fault our child was dying? What if I couldn't have any more children?
Tai glared at me, mistaking the true intent of my silence. He slid from the sheets and started putting on the pants he'd left in a sloppy pile at the foot of the bed.
"Goodbye, Sora."
**
Joe held my hand as another contraction gripped me, making me moan in pain. I felt the bones grind within his hand as I squeezed hard, but he didn't complain. "It's okay, Sora," he said behind the surgeon's mask. "You're doing fine. Remember your breathing."
"Argh! Joe, it hurts so much!"
"It'll be over soon, Sora. You're almost there." Joe had managed to take time off from the pediatric ward to be with me throughout my delivery. My mother joined me at my side, guiding me through the lamaze breathing -- being the coach that Tai should have been.
"Just one more," my mother said, her hands gently rubbing my shoulders. "One more push, darling."
I bore down, shrieking with the pain, and after twelve long hours, my baby boy emerged from my womb. I fell back against the hospital pillows, tears slipping down my cheeks when I heard my child's weak cries for the first time ever.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard Joe and my mother congratulating me. But it was mostly drowned out as my baby was examined -- I so longed to hold him, and I prayed that the doctors would not take him away and hook him up to a machine, locked behind the walls of an incubator where his mother's warm hands could not touch him.
Joe patted my hand and walked to the circlet of doctors, talking to them in low tones before turning back to me. "Sora," he said in a murmur. "Do you want a bonnet, to cover the baby's head? It's ... not pretty."
"No," I murmured weakly. "I want to see him as he is. Please." I smiled faintly.
Joe walked over to the hospital bed, cradling the child so very gingerly, and gently placed the squirming infant in my arms. His head appeared collapsed, and the brownish brain stem protruded obviously through a thin membrane in his skull. But his eyes were open, and his lips puckered with a suckling reflex.
He was beautiful, my baby boy. If only Tai had been here to see him...
**
That night, my child cradled within my arms, I awoke from a light doze to the sound of someone arguing, an angry voice in a one-sided conversation. Joe was on the other side of the room, the phone gripped in one hand, and speaking so much more harshly than I'd ever heard him before.
"Listen," he muttered, trying to keep his voice and his rage down, "your child was born earlier today. Your baby boy. And I was the one who was holding Sora's hand throughout the entire delivery, not you. Now, I don't care what sort of differences you and Sora have had in the past, right now, she needs you. Get over here. Now."
With a sigh of disgust, he snapped the phone back into its cradle loudly.
"Joe?"
He turned to me, and blushed. "I didn't mean to wake you, Sora. I -- I had to call him..."
"It's okay."
Walking over, he knelt beside my bed, touching my child's hand with one of his large fingers. "It just makes me angry that he wasn't -- you know... Anyway," he said, quickly changing the subject, "have you come up with a name for him yet?"
I smiled, gazing down at the baby in my arms, his oddly shaped head bandaged and covered with a small bonnet. Even with the bonnet, it did nothing to disguise the malformed shape of his skull. "He's named after his father," I said. "Taichi. Taichi Joseph Takenouchi."
"Taichi... Joseph?" he whispered, realizing the baby's middle name. He rose to his feet and stood by the window that overlooked the city of Boston. He took off his glasses, cradling them loosely in his hand, and I suspected he was crying.
"Thank you for being there for me, Joe."
"It's what friends are for, Sora," he whispered. "I'm... sorry that I suggested you abort the child all those months ago. It was wrong of me."
"How were you to know?"
"Taichi's a beautiful baby. I didn't realize he was going to be so ...human."
I sighed and stared down at my sleeping baby, watching him take the first and last breaths of his life. "I think we've all learned something from this experience, Joe."
**
Tai arrived two hours later, and by then, the baby's breathing was becoming labored, unable to continue on its own. Joe had left on my request, once the child had shown signs of deteriorating, so that he and I could spend time alone together. When Tai showed up at the door, he chewed nervously on his lower lip, uncertain as to whether or not he should even be here.
"Sora?" he murmured, twisting his hands nervously before him. "I -- know that I haven't been -- you know... the best--"
I cut him off quickly. "Don't speak, Tai. Just come over here and see your son."
"My son..." he whispered as he sank heavily into a chair beside me. He took the gasping baby from my arms, his fingers gingerly trailing across the bonnet that disguised his deformed head.
"He's named after his father," I whispered. "Taichi Takenouchi. Part you, part me."
"He's so lovely," Tai murmured, and I could see tears slipping down his cheeks. I reached my hand out to his free one, and clasped it gently. He picked it up and brought his lips to it, and then kissed our baby's cheek. "He doesn't sound well."
"I don't think he's going to survive the night, Tai. Please, stay here."
Tai turned his brimming eyes from the baby to me, and he murmured, "I miss you so much, Sora. I've made mistakes, I know I have..."
"Ssh," I said, silencing him. "There will be time enough later to talk things through. For now, just enjoy the moments of love with our child. While you can."
"I love you, Sora."
"I love you too, Tai."
Tai stayed by my side, right up until the end, when little Taichi Joseph Takenouchi drew his last, shuddering breath.
Are you shining bright as the sky?
Are you breathing now inside me?
There's no ending when we die.