Link, Hunter of Monsters
Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda or Monster Hunter Tri Ultimate, or any game or comic book I made reference to. (Look closely and you'll see a character from Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers, I can't say who or I may spoil everything!) I had lots of fun making this story, so I hope you guys out there (I know you're out there) enjoy this, Rail Road Crossing! Oops, wrong R&R.
This is a legend of a legendary hero found in other legends, but this is different, or so much as I am different than any others, but this is old yarn, I'll do my best to make a monkey suit without making a monkey of myself, though I'll likely wear this suit myself. Hmm, where to start? Should I just jump right to the amazing feats this hunter with his hunting companion accomplished or should I first go to the armor he wore? I think that's a good start, it was not the hunter gear we hear of, but of a better brand of armor, a Hero's Cap, Hero's Tunic, Hero's Gauntlets, Hero's Leggings, and Hero's Boots, for easy reference we'll call them the Hero's Garments. And now for the weapons he carried into battle, Great Fairy's sword was a great sword that was given to the Great Fairies which were split into shards, Biggoron's Blade, that one was a long sword that one must use two hands to wield, then we have the Master Sword and Hylian shield, though he had a mirror shield too, but which he walks out carrying doesn't matter, for reason's I'll get to promptly, but I'm not done yet, let's see, there was also weapon called the Megaton Hammer, and the Aeralfol's Lance, I want to talk about the lance he used, it was a perfect circle and it was red in the center and yellow everywhere else, and it had a golden brown frame. Many said that the shield was made of Ludroth materials, but there were no Ludroths where he came from, so let me have that matter cleared up before we get too deep in the legends of old. One to another weapon he had, the Sister Scissors, they were dual blades as you may have thought, but he said that he didn't acquire them until after he went to a desert far out from where we live. He also carried the Bulblin Axe, and the Poe Switch Axe, though those in the land he came from didn't know it could switch from axe to sword. This brave adventurer also had a bow called the Hero's Bow, few know why he called it this, but even fewer care. Then the one I will fondly recall as the Oocca Bow Gun, he seemed to see a specific monster, which he shot, giving his gun the power to use rapid shots though only a certain number of them, but no one could see this certain monster, which he claims was a green color and looked like the other monsters in that area.
Believe it or not, those are the only weapons that I can recall hearing him to have carried, but you still want me to tell you about why it isn't important which weapon you saw him march out to battle with, or so I should think I would if I was in your place. I tell you it didn't matter because he always returned victorious or I could tell you that he could put away the weapon he was using and switch out to a different one, right there in the field. Another reason why the weapon he left with didn't matter was that his partner was a fairy. "No," you say, "no, they thought Cha-Cha was a fairy, but he was a Shakalaka kid, and there was another to join him later." Well I say there was but one who helped him out in battle, and that it was a fairy and I can describe her from any point you want. Tell you what she looked like? Okay, she looked like a star or maybe a very miniature sun, only blue. How did she look like a star or the sun? Well I may have forgotten the part where she was the size of a baby's thumb nail, and I forgot to tell that she was spherical, like a marble, if you would. But she spoke and she could help this hero, this hunter named Link who had a blonde head of hair and eyes that matched the guardian fairy that hovered over him in the most literal fashion you can imagine. And when she helped, she helped in ways you can't ask a Shakalaka for help, or so the old legends say, I didn't translate them, I just read the translations and found the connection they shared, the link, if you will. So I told you his appearance, now for the battle that made him famous in the world he didn't come from—I'll tell it in first person so I can cram in all the details, try to bear with me.
Just so you know, I'm not from around here, I mean, sure, the woods are my favorite hunting grounds, but I grew up around trees, climbed them, found money on top of them, fell off them, didn't learn my lesson and do the same again the next day. That's me, Mister Try Again, always trying once more to accomplish whatever goal I have in mind, or whatever goal destiny had in mind. Whichever the two of us had more influence over me, if you say I got lucky it was destiny, if you say I acted stupid and could have gotten shredded then that was decidedly my bad, though the outcome was usually good enough. I'm telling you, there are a lot of strange goals out there; one included travelling to a land out in the desert, somewhere lost to time and space. I meant space as I had my head way above the clouds. I found myself looking around somewhere between Clock Town and the Moon, floating high above it when I saw that I wasn't in Hyrule anymore. Hyrule is my home, I found myself in Clock Town that fateful day. How did I end up so far from home? That's what I can't figure out, but as far as I can tell, the two are connected by, drumroll, please, the Lost Woods.
It was said that darkness had once enveloped the land, but who knows, the entire situation could have been a very vivid dream that someone thought would make a great story for the grandkids. That would explain the fact that the axe I had could turn into a very impressive sword, kind of tricky to handle, but no one told me I had to master it. But I did what I could. I'm not the kind of person who is lost on the situation for long, you can ask anyone in Moga or Hyrule, or Termina, or anywhere else you hear them say my name, though don't believe it was me right away, it could be someone twice the fighter I am who happens to share my name. Maybe a Goron who can quiet naturally match the Volvidon.
I'll just call the entire world I went to that this story revolves around Moga, unless I name something that isn't Hyrule, or Termina. But now that I think about the world I can't say if there is one world except Hyrule. I don't know, maybe Termina and the place where Moga was were my dreams. Maybe Hyrule was the dream. No, it had to have been Moga and maybe Termina that were dreams, because in Moga there was a quest issued by the Wise Princess who I never saw, she might just have it out for hunters though, because she said people have been over hunting some monsters, then I carry three eggs back to a camp while not getting roasted and toasted by the Rathian. But while there was the Wise Princess there in that world, in Hyrule there is a princess who is very wise. Perhaps the Wise Princess just says she was a wise princess because she didn't want to put her real name there, but I don't know how that works.
But maybe Hyrule is the dream to explain the people who issued the quests. But Termina must have been a dream, I mean; everyone looked the same as the people in Hyrule did. Or they're all real and I must come to terms with intelligent life elsewhere, I don't know, but if that's my goal then I'll do what I can to accomplish it. Anyway, the situation was strange, me, floating in the air, and then I was on the moon. Now, I would later learn that the land I was in was named Termina, discover that another hero had the same experience and his name was Link, but all the consolation the people of Termina offered made me believe it was a dream, because it's mere luck that another hero shared this experience, even more unlikely that his name was Link, but through it all I didn't lose hope. Until I learn of a Goron in Termina named Link, now that got to me, but I held on to what hope I had of returning home. But I hadn't even spoken with the people of Termina yet, I was only on the moon, which is good, because if I had learned all of that and then get dropped into some situation I had no idea could ever happen, yeah, I would have lost it. That was decidedly fate's goal.
I've since learned something that helped me to cope with the people of Moga, ahem, "When on Luna, do as the Lunarians do." This basically means that if you find yourself on the moon, and there are five kids who kind of remind you of a postman and they want to play hide and seek, you play hide and seek. Or suffer the boredom; I didn't want to be bored anymore. So I played hide and seek. And yes, I'm eighteen, so that's a pretty good example of how bored I was. So, yeah, I played hide and seek. Three times, the fourth time I fell off some race track and woke up upside down. I guess I was deemed unworthy by those who know better. Or at least they know how to not grow up. That alone is great knowledge that, in mortal hands, would be cool. They were wise beyond their years, or at least beyond my years, which means I'm not crazy for agreeing to play hide and seek at the age of eighteen, I mean, their old beyond old, older than the clock tower in Clock Town, they're legendary, older than Anju's grandma, and they may just be ignoring a few greats because she told them to.
Okay, back to me on my back, falling. It's not a good feeling, you're falling either way, but I don't know which is worse, upside down, or upside up think elevator, without the elevating and without the floor. If you fall backwards then you don't know what's about to hit you, or what you're about to hit, and I was kind of curious.
As they say in Moga, "Curiosity killed the Melynx."Or Felyne, but I have to say, if I was a Melynx I just lost all nine lives. Or I stole something from your item pouch. There was some large white thing that I don't know what you call it, so I draw my sword while in midair, don't try this at home—or ever, but I was desperate to feel the comfort of an old friend, old enough to be called legendary. I draw my sword, battle cry! Smack, smack, slam my fist in its face. Splash, takes me under water, I don't do die, buddy, so do sling, sling, slash, bash, I don't want to get mashed, no battle cry! Or I would have drowned. I stabbed my sword forward, but the monster has some tough hide, so the blade bounces off the monster's skin, of course, I was letting loose a pretty mad combo. Master Sword lost. Dive, dive, dive, oh, yeah, I had my Zora Armor on, so I don't need to worry about myself, I just need to focus on my sword and—whoa! As I barrel roll to get some speed there I end up being just in time to avoid some blue light that reminds me of how a beamos attacks. Now it's time to care about myself while trying to recover my weapon of choice. I must be dreaming, but in case I have to survive if I ever want to wake up or so I tell myself in case it is real, and I don't want to die here, not at this age, anyways, too much hasn't been done, to few monsters destroyed so I have no choice, I fight back, somehow I know where it is behind me, I see what it does, and it looks like it's taking a breath of—water? What else is there in the water but water, so yeah, it must be breathing in the water for some purpose I can't—whoa! Hold up my shield. "Um, Navi, what do you think I should do?" I ask the question in my mind, knowing full well my fairy partner can understand my mental inquiry, and then she lets ring a shrilly yell as she tries to escape my cap while my shield, gets hit by the beam of water, which in turn sends me back and that's where the scream comes from. She got into my cap during my free dive into the water, which was a perfect ten on the dive board. Now, even under water I can hear her crystal voice tell me that she doesn't know the answer, "Big Monster that We didn't Expect—I don't know its weak point!" Navi doesn't know the answer, as I've said, but suddenly hits me like Ganon with two steak knives and no sauce to his name—which would make anyone as angry as he was when he learned this and fell under my blade's power—that I want the Master Sword, and then another blast of icy blue beauty that could very well be my undoing. Scratch 'Want', I need the Master Sword. I need it now. Not that I didn't realize this already, but here's smething I just thought of, I could just sink to the bottom using my Hero's Boots powers, I love magical footwear. So I sink, and while in Lead—I mean Iron—Boot mode, I can hold up my shield and block any attacks that may or may not include getting water cannoned. I know this will sound pathetic, but I really miss the purple hilt of that great sword—well, in the Moga classing system it's really a sword and shield, but I think it's great—if I only had it back, but now I don't even see it. Searching, searching, the item I was searching for is—found it, found it, it's right here, and with my feet on the bottom of the sea I can pull up my blade, struggling to pull it out, making grunting sounds that mean that this sword is deep inside the rock—and now you can be Ganondorf playing the organ—and then I yank it out, air bubbles push me aside, just in time to miss the ray of blue light that of which type I'm not sure what it does, not that I'm curious enough to find out the hard way. Master Sword recovered! I'm really angry now, mostly because the thing is that big and I'm really small and it just seems to be floating in the air, I don't like that feeling, so I make my boots release the ground and soar up and slam the monster in the head, the monster seems to have forgotten it's powers now and swims swiftly up, if I'm not mistaken. I actually scared the monster out of this big, big cave, which—now that I look at it—has two mounted bow guns and some set of spikes which look like something from the Bottom of the Well of Kakariko cave. The monster is still running away, and I want to chase it, but who am I kidding, I'm beat. As it tired, not defeated, red potion, it's good for exhaustion. Made with all natural Chu-Chu ingredients—try not to think too hard about that, me, just keep drinking.
I found a camp as I barrel rolled out of the water, and rolled as I close in on the ground, this is one of the few perks of being the hero. Not long after finding the camp I find a town and not long after that I find out that I'm definitely not it Hyrule anymore. Everyone's impressed, they were about to send word for a hunter to stop the earthquakes that the Lagiacrus was causing. I figure I'm in way over my head and tell them that I don't know who Mister Lagiacrus is, but if he's the size of Jabu-Jabu then he won't be coming back, I ran him off. They can't believe I ran the monster off, too bad, they better believe it, it's either that or they can go swim after it with that fleet of hunters, but they do believe me, and they figure they should tell me something about a Duramboros, it's like a ram, only twice as tall as me, and twice as long, and you figure I must be six foot and some odd inches, so yeah, the thing's pretty up there. Oh well, it can't be anywhere near as long as the Lagiacrus, right? I mean, that thing was huge; in fact, it was five thousand, eight-hundred and thirty-seven cm, so says Chamberlyne, my Felyne house cat. House cat as in she or he—I never asked, Chamberlyne never said—is in charge of keeping everything tidy, I guess Chamberlyne just makes sure if I want a cat nap my bed will be bug free, which is nice, because I don't want to look like that woman in the silk blue dress in Castle Town, she's not dancing, you know.
Anyway, I accept the quest, it's issued by some woman who runs a village that I never got the chance to see, but she told me in the letter not to let the thing hit me. With its tail, of all things, now why on earth would I let it do a thing like that? Because its tail is huge, about half my height, up to my waist, if I remember correctly, as I made the outer shell of the tail fall of, then dug through the husk that fell off, but it still hit me anyways. Now, the tail—before I made the outside of it fall of the black center—has sharp yellow thorn like objects popping up to help increase the pain that will surely follow such an impact. I wanted no part of that, but I still had to help the poor person whose people were threatened, so I go out to the Flooded Forest and I find the monster. Yes, that was part of the same world, the same world as Moga.
The Duramboros did not disappoint my expectations; in fact, it's even uglier up close, so I may have failed to do justice to the animal when I told my travels to the Hyrulean people when I said it looked like Zant, but they'll read this and know better what I meant when I said it looked like Ganon with a makeover.
I draw my sword before it even sees me and I creep up behind it, then I hold my sword close to me with both hands, for this attack will be hard to control as I will put so much energy in the blade and then I must cut as large of an area as I can without my hand leaving a certain point where my blade is both powerful and in my hand. For this I need focus. I gather the power of the sword and add it to my own, then I leap up and swing my sword up, drawing cracks on the tail as though I was writing a letter, but as I bring my sword down the monster turns around. I must say, I'm glad I followed through on that part of the attack or it would have done something to get me back. When I land I slam my shield into its face and leap up and over its back, then swing myself in a vertical manner, slicing the hardened crust of the moss on its back to smithereens. As I land from that attack—the Helm Splitter, as it's called—I unleash a Great Spin, I didn't get hit by the thing yet, or else I would have unleashed a quick spin of blue light. As I cease spinning the monster smacked its tail against the ground, I lost my footing for a second, as I was still in the process of recovering my equilibrium, but Navi crashed against my head and I regained my sense of up and down and not falling to the ground, just in time to run under it as it smacked its tail down once more. I was learning that some monsters are smarter than they look, but it has been a while since I had a challenge of this sort. Anyways, I wait for it to act again, this time it lays its tail to the ground multiple times, but I waited until it smacked the ground once before I spun around, I really wanted to walk away from this battle, it's starting to look boring, let's play who doesn't fall asleep first, that's fun.
Okay, this is about to get interesting so watch closely. There I am, between two massive feet and the monster decides to dash forward, I was not expecting this, so I get myself launched, then it stares at me with those cold, unfeeling eyes and charges at me. Now, when I say cold and unfeeling I mean that this thing takes the utmost pleasure in the goal of its new plan, which is to put the ram in Duramboros and Duramboros right into me. So D. R. B. has feelings, but none of them add up to sympathy, in fact, I think it's always laughing at some perpetual joke.
That's kind of scary, if you imagine the thing grinning, it always looks like it's grinning, it's worse than a clown, at least that's just makeup, so you throw water at it right? Only when the levy breaks, otherwise someone with too much makeup and not enough perfume run away in their pajamas—okay, that's fun to think about, excuse me while I hit the ground laughing. Okay, I've recovered my sense of not stupidity. Anyways, back to it trying to into ram me, because we all enjoy that so much, thud, thud, thud, I get my boots to hold the ground and reach out with my Hero's Gloves, drawing power from them, the Gloves drawing off me, flowing through us and binding us together, but to fight this I won't need the Force, not just yet. As the memory of Gorons rushing at me on Death Mountain finishes flashing before my eyes I grab the two tusks on the side of its head and I throw it into the foliage. See there now, that wasn't so bad, so here I go, I cut off the power of the boots so they aren't holding me down anymore and soon I'm at my natural top speed, not as impressive as this monster's but good enough, and I leap into the air, stabbing the giant tail, I'm very happy for a moment, I mean, I just got my sword hung in the thing's tail, why shouldn't I be happy? Oh, that's right, because now the thing's back up and I feel like I'm holding onto the monkey bars in my dreams, you know the kind, the ones that keep moving in all kinds of impossible directions, and then we're flying, and by "we" I mean that the Duramboros started spinning and then flung itself up, my weapon of choice may be the Master Sword, but now I call it the Skyward Sword, due to the fact that I got launched thanks to it, it's more or less an insulting compliment, if you can imagine that's possible—I have since ceased calling the Sister Swords the S and S Double Blades. Now I call them Jolene's Wrath, or Linebeck's Bane, or Linebeck's Pain. So, with sword and shield in hand—because I don't want to relive the battle with what I think is the Lagiacrus—I charge forward, now, can anyone say, "Hulk smash!"? The Duramboros landed with the nastiest thud I was ever a part of—and I've had more than my fair share. As soon as I recover from the impact I yank my sword out and spin, and like a blender to a finger—hopefully none of us ever find out how true this analogy is—the tail is shredded, or where I was cutting anyways, but that's enough for it and the tail falls off, and just because I'm a pack rat I pick up a piece of the tail I shredded, just to take back with me, maybe I can sell this for something or form a story about today, pass it down with the other legends. Oh, I've done it this time, unless it was always angry and I just didn't notice it before now. Okay, this guy is angry, he's charging at me, so I grab his face by the two tusks and I send him going down, and now I jump up into the air, and because I'm not hopelessly stupid I go for the face, also, it's more convenient this time, you know, to go for the face. And what do you know; those two tusks can fall off. Well isn't that nice? I have never been more thankful to be able to say my teeth are on the inside of my mouth and not the outside. That looked like it had to hurt. "Link, the tusks aren't teeth!" she says as I whisper something about this guy not having brushed in a while and now I'm going to have an easy time knocking the teeth out of its head, "Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm still going to knock the teeth out of its head." She flutters around my head and says "Oh brother, the day I understand you is to be the day I'm a retired, eighty-year-old fairy." Ha, I didn't know these guys retired, oh well, I can still make a joke, "If you don't quit first!" and then it hits me that I hope she doesn't actually consider that last statement, "Just joking," I say quickly, before she has any time to comment on that last remark, "actually, I'm glad that you haven't quit already, or that Duramboros would have hit me earlier." I think she's surprised that I actually apologized for making a stupid joke, and even more so that I feel grateful to her, the first time I ever tried to make her feel better. She hates it when I make stupid jokes such as that, almost as much as she hated it when I insulted Ganon's tusks—hey, do you think—never mind, just watch, you'll get what I'm saying in a minute. I get back up and brace myself for almost anything, anything except easy victory, but what do you know, the monster decides to spin around and launch itself at me, I run out of the way and then find out where the head is. Mister I'm a Fur Real Live Battering Ram gets up, but not before I target it's forehead with all the Power of Wise Courage being used for good reasons! I find the forehead and slice a nice, clean 'x' into its head, then stab my blade into the head. That battle was oddly familiar. In fact, I could have mistaken the giant monster for—Ganon?! Is this about the time Zelda played the ocarina which she gave me after I did this attack the first time? Whatever, that was weird, but I was totally in the zone, "Link," Navi is very troubled by this and I think she has the same idea, "I have a bad feeling about this." "You always do." I say as calmly as I look, gazing at the monster I just Ganoned, then I bend myself backwards and spin around as I scan the sky for something to fall out of the sky, it doesn't. Whatever it was that I had been looking for wasn't here, I was relieved, to say the least, "Hey, Link, there's nothing left to do here, we should go back to Moga Woods and tell the chief what we've done." I smile and give my quiet agreement that we really don't have to stay here, because oral agreement would give away the fact that me, bearer of the Triforce of Courage—when I'm in Hyrule, that is, because I think the Lunarians have my Triforce, I know it glows brightly when I reappear in Hyrule, so I guess I don't have it at this time—is growing feathers and clucking. The only question now is who gets the last drumstick.
I get back to the woods and I discover I have another quest. This just keeps getting better and better. It's a Rathalos, but why wouldn't it be? King of the Skies! Instead of saying, "Hey, Link, hunt a Rathalos." We say, "Hey, Link, assassinate the King of the Skies." Or, because I love the people who gave me the bow gun of their name, we say, "Hey, Link, fight Argoroc, boss of the City in the Sky."
I have to hunt this dragon in a place that reminds me too much of Death Mountain—only colder. I'm just looking around; I travel all around the mountain and decide that I have to go to the top of the mountain. I mean, that's where I would make a nest if I was a bird of prey. And that's just what I do. There's nothing up here, but there is something down there, I see a red dragon and I know that Rathians are green. The only difference is that the Rathian is female and the Rathalos is male. And the Rathians have longer eyelashes and way too much perfume. That last sentence was a joke, you know, destroy the epic, climatic, "Oh my goodness, what a mighty battle!" air I had just set around my explanation. Oh, yeah, and before I forget, the Rathalos is a lot stronger, personally I had expected the Rathian to be the tougher of the two, but maybe that's just my "Gerudo woman are way tougher than any male opponent I've ever seen and Ganondorf had the Triforce of Power so he doesn't count and I'm a natural so I don't count either." mentality talking to me.
I don't know, but I was up against no less than a tough creature. It wasn't a level five like the Duramboros, but level four is high enough for any flying monster. Oh, yeah, a little recap here, this dragon is of the flying species, so watch out. I don't know why, but it seems to me that anything with wings is tougher than a level five, or a level six. Herald of Prosperity! Symbol of courage! Smash your tiny boat! Annoy you because it's trying to smash your big ship as well.
Maybe level five monsters get my adrenaline to the flight—ha, ha, flight, I made a pun about adrenaline and a death dealing flying monster—or fight level that I need to survive two or more level five monsters and level four monsters are so small that I can't get into flight or fight mode for anything. Or maybe it's the poisonous tails that can still stick you if you cut it off that make them so strong. Yeah, that's it! I heard once that someone cut a Rathian's tail off and he still got poisoned! Talk about tough breaks. Anyway, I look down and there it is, "Whoa," says Navi, "look at the wingspan on that thing! From wing tip to wing tip it has to be thirty feet!" I try to make my face scream, "Thank you, Captain Obvious!" but I cannot tell for certain if she her eyes are deaf to that language, or it hasn't been added to her vocabulary of things I say with my face, or if I used the wrong dialect. Or I may simply be rusty so I settle on her not getting the memo and ask a stupid question, "Do you think we can take it on?" okay, I don't know what the face of a fairy would look like right now, but I'm sure she's calling me Mister Obvious with her face, and I haven't seen anything of her but a blue blur all the time I've known her to prove she exists. It is a little weird how I know what she's about to say, but you've probably guessed this next one, so correct me if I'm wrong, "Are you kidding, we just got back from a level five with no trouble at all. Except the woman who issued the quest is writing love poems about how she feels so grateful and she wonders where her hero is, blah, blah, blibbity blah." I laugh, why, you ask? Because it's times like this I forget that I'm not in my homeland and that I'm not constantly bombarded by the people I've rescued, and that things can't get any worse, "What was that?" I spoke too soon, typical me. Navi heard something, and if Navi hears something it's going to be bad, about that much I am rarely wrong. I give her a fifty-fifty chance that she's wrong and things didn't just get—something shrieked, definitely not human, not on this mountain, did it see us? Oh, never mind, it's just the lizard things with ugly beaks, I guess I'll draw my sword and—Navi, why are you floating around my head like you have a plan that is probably going to end with me falling off the edge of a cliff? "Link," she says, "I wonder what the odds are that you'll land on the back of that dragon, I mean, if you timed it out right you might actually make it." I get done slaying one of those non-explosive dodongos and turn to give her my best "You just asked a stupid question." look and then immediately smile to make it mean, "Are you kidding, of course I'll make it!" she smiles, that is to say, the fierce humming sound lowers exponentially, "Alright, I'll just fly over to it so you'll land on the best seat in the back." I laugh, she frowns, what I mean by that is I'm just saying what I think she would have done if she had a face—I mean a face I could see. I mean, I'm sure she has a face somewhere—right? "The best seats are rarely in the back." I say, lightening the mood created by volcanic ash and purple sky and evil moon. Where have I seen an evil moon before? "Save it for a sailor's tale about the one that got away, right now you're facing death, do you really want to be distracted right now?" then the question hits me and I say it as I think it, "Do you think that if I'm distracted with some wit and humor then if I miss it will take me longer to realize the impending doom? Or at least take the edge of the splat?" okay, now I know she's frowning, "Are you asking me that for real?" I shake my head furiously, as furiously as she's buzzing furiously, that's furious! And I say, "I mean, just in case I miss." She looks down the cliff and I know she's measuring the fall with her mental yard stick, "No, you'll be fine if you miss—unless the dragon pops you out of the air." I throw caution to the wind and in that instant the words of Medli ring through my head and I sing them to the mountain that reminds me all too much of Dragon Roost Island, "Navi, don't hold back, throw me as hard as you can!" and I feel her tiny, marble like surface slam into me and I remember that bullets come in sizes smaller than Navi. Before I'm half way to point dragon the little-blue-air-bag-should-have-been is screaming about how the Rathalos looks hungry and she thinks I'm about to land in its face. Now the idea was to land as close to the head as possible—if possible, I thought that would work, and it would have, but I landed the blade in its jaw, through the snout, probably cutting t's tongue, which I figure looks like a snake's tongue, flicking through the air, being a scary dragon, it's parents are proud if they're watching. If they aren't near here first, that is.
So now I'm sure I've made a mistake. Both the dragon and I didn't like falling, but I got up first, so I let the Double S Duramboros slash Ganon's Bane take a rest and pull out my Sister Scissors and snap the tail. Just to say I did, and besides, you never know when you might actually want a sailor's tale about the tail you cut from a Rathalos. I don't want them to think I'm telling tall tales so that should be enough said. You just took out the tail of an ugly monster in less than three slices. Do you need a better reason?
Now to collect whatever I want, oh, that's a pretty color of red few have seen before, maybe I should give it to—we interrupt this thought of giving romantic gifts to your girlfriend that she'll probably get all upset about—because she's the daintiest diver to own a ranch and hold the throne, give Epona three meals of carrots, I mean, Epona is a horse, after all, isn't she? And she's won medals for horseback archery, sword fighting, horseback racing, rope swinging on a moving ship, archery, and finally the swimming contest—I must say, she's quite accomplished—to make you think twice before cutting the tail off a Rathalos. I hope you understood all that, because now I'm losing track, but I think I gave you the basic idea of what all I meant, if not, oh well, I tried, and don't tell me there is now try and only do, because that gets annoying! After a bit, I mean. Rathalos gives me the ugly eyes and shoots fire my way, now, yes, I was kind of occupied with carving this beautiful red scale, or plate or whatever it was, I knew I could have gotten torched, but you don't understand, I had to collect it, I'm the legendary romantic, it was impossible for me to not obtain something for a gift for my girlfriend, besides, I'm probably overdue back home and if I come back with nothing I'll seem a failure as a hero, so pretty red thing it is, but Rathalos doesn't take to kindly to me gathering something that I just severed from the rest of him. It's just a tail, buddy, it doesn't compare with what will concern you, and besides,I jump to the side and land clear of the danger. Big deal, oh, but as I get up I get trampled, "Oh, you didn't let the Duramboros do that to you, are you, maybe, losing your Hylian touch?" no, of course not—wait, what if I am, what if—what if I'm becoming less and less Hylian, then that means I'll probably get stuck here, which means I'll never see any of my friends again. I just risked my life to stop Ganondorf so I could be separated from those I fought him for. Okay, you do not get a hero worked up in the manner of worked up I'm in. I may have lost every chance of ever finding my way back. I mean, I have friends, girlfriend, house, horse, and life, back in Hyrule, back the way I came from. That's it, that was the last thing you do to a Hylian, I may have been raised Kokiri, but all kinds of Hylian when it comes to anger, stupidity, and any other thing the Gerudo people may fault us for, but one thing, I am still a hero. Plus I'm angry. I'm in Demon Blade mode. You should have not done that. Hulk smash. Now, look here, Navi can scream about how I'm reckless and I'll get us both killed all she wants, but do you want to hear a secret? I just gave her something new to worry about. They should make that an accomplishment. You got the 'Hey, Stop, Listen, and Hello Pearl' if you hold it close to your heart you can hear the many generations of fairies buzzing at you because you're just that stupid! Or brave, but Navi is scared, so humor to make her angry will rid her of fear, and me of thinking that this time she may be right, because if she doesn't stop going on about how I'm going to kill us both then we will die, or go crazy, no, I'll go crazy, she's going to be fine, she's Navi, after all.
"Don't scream your head off, Navi!" I know she'll scream even louder now, hey, she got Red Skull's attention, as not planned but who cares because now the heat's off me—I just made another pun about the location and the flamethrower on feet behind me, and by accident, cool. Hey, why are you looking at me like that? So what I named the Rathalos before I slay it, you didn't say anything about it when I did that to the Duramboros—he who puts the ram in Duramboros, yeah. And besides, Red Skull was such a great bad guy, he deserves the attention—and I did run through an entire fortress once armed with nothing but a shield, so there, Red Skull it is.
When Navi notices the monster that is now in her face she starts to fly back to me, it's her guardian fairy mentality kicking into overdrive. Or maybe that was overcompensation mode. Whatever you want to call it—but here's my explanation: She always flies back to me after analyzing a monster. And it just ran up to her. She was close enough she could have pierced into its mind through its eyes, so she'd better have information or I'll send her back out. Then she can tell me the last eight meals it has enjoyed, right of the bat. Then hover guardian fairy mode kicks back in. Actually, the medicinal term for the phenomenon in which she feels the need to protect her whatever I am to her (I don't know if they even have a name for my status) is called the Fairy Guardian Mentality (F.G.M), but the pros didn't even try to explain it anywhere, someone should try to explain it. Leave it to me, as Doctor of Insanity La Y. Lee would say before performing heart surgery in front of the Colonel General. But that's another story which to me is like a crystal; bear with me through this explanation, please. Ahem, do to her over protective nature added with the above mentioned, chronic state of mind, she may feel worried for me, in less technical terms. Or maybe she just feels better being next to me during a battle because she's not good with watching from the sidelines, she has to be in the action, even if she's helpless to help me be helpless while I'm being helplessly heroic, hopefully that tongue twister doesn't blow her fairly fairy mind when I tell her that joke—which will probably cause her to exclaim, "That's it, I'm telling your girlfriend that you can't go to Piper's kitchen later because he's too busy writing, 'I am sorry and will never tell another stupid joke' one thousand times!" at which point I'll say something she'll find pathetic and she'll let me off the hook. So, yeah, right know she's helpless to help me be helpless. Anyway, flying back to me causes the Rathalos to probably think somewhere along the lines of, "Oh, there she goes, I guess I'll spin around, maybe I can stop the fly before it gets out of range." And Navi's thinking, "I'm a fairy, not a fly! How dare you?" and it's thinking, "Hey, this little human is slicing at my ankles and he looks angry." And I'm thinking, "You bet I'm angry, you would be too if your guardian said something that causes you to maybe think a small bit that maybe you couldn't get home." And it just falls over because it's not able to do anything else. Nonplussed, if you would, shocked, befuddled. And I slice once more and the Rath falls over. Down with the Red Skull! If I am the Rathalos then the one to whom I will give this red, shiny scale from the Rathalos tail is the Queen of the Land.
The next mission may as well have been the King Dodongo. Wait, to understand that statement I have to ask if you remember the little monster things I called poor excuse for a dodongo? Well they have a much bigger version call the Agnaktor or something, I don't know why they didn't call it "Great Uroktor" or something, but maybe they discovered that little fact afterwards, then everyone who already knows what it really is don't bother adding any confusion, so it stuck. It is like saying that the King Dodongo is a poor excuse for an Agnaktor, not only is this thing humongous but it also barrels through rock like I barrel through water, and that's saying something for anything to barrel through rock. But I want to go home, and I hope this is the last monster I face. I mean, the last monster I have to face. Have to, by necessity. I will if I have to in order to get home. I don't think I can put a price on my house made in a tree. It's kind of like a nest, and I'm a mighty eagle—or, as I've mentioned before—a Rathalos. And this is an invading eagle—or Rathalos.
And the fight is on. I meet the creature on the mountain, like the last one. Like the Rathalos. I pull out a bomb and light the fuse. Flash now barrels through the rock. I regret lighting the bomb because now I realize it isn't the one I was after, I throw it in my fury, because that's what lone wolf hunters with lit fuses do when they get upset, besides, I didn't see how that could hurt, I mean, maybe it will hit the monster. Or maybe I could have put out the fire and out the bomb away. Hey, what do you know, the monster decided to show his head—wait; there's something familiar here too. "Link, I think the bomb made the monster come out of the ground and now it's stuck!" great, I have a game plan. I hereby change your name from Flash to Sir Volvagia, twice have you perished by my blade—and with my bow and arrows, so I'll use them too—twice slain, once in Death Mountain and once in a dream, time to play whack a mole!
The Megaton Hammer is so powerful that in one smack the monster jumps out of the ground like a carrot, after that we find out he isn't bullet proof, and by 'We' I mean the Oocca Bow Gun, him and I. I notice a green Uroktor—but how could I not; they are all supposed to be a pink, red, and orange hue. It's hard to say which one of the three; the natural lighting here is really a bit misleading. Navi seems quiet, I notice this also, during my fight, but I let her rest because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't know this one's weak point anyways, because she sure didn't know with Volvagia, so second verse is the same as the first and I battle on.
I don't normally shoot things that jump from the ground like carrots, but this time I feel like paying homage those who live in the city flying over Hyrule—and maybe even float Termina and possibly here. So I basically start emptying rounds into the carrot's back. Epona use to love those. And that's when I realized the lesson I had to learn. If I had to get back to Hyrule I would, but maybe they don't need me.
But wait, that would clam me, to know that I'm not needed in one place, though I do want to be there again, but I realize something that hurts worse that the fire beam this thing adores shooting at me. Maybe no one there wants me there. Maybe should stop thinking because now I'm just getting upset again. Word to the wise: Take a nap after every important event. Those who don't may become very lost. And by that I mean they lose courage, but when courage is lost, all is lost. Link gets lost in woods right now! Ah, Romania from the ranch in Termina must have messed up my vocabulary, repeat the last vowel sound of "Vocabulary" until your vocal cords snap.
Now to update you on my fight with the overgrown Uroktor, it's running around, scrambling like a headless cucco, which is a small bird like a chicken, but this one can actually help you glide pass the neighbors fence in the dead of night so you can throw toilet paper around their house. I feel so bad for myself—I mean my neighbor, because he had to clean the yard so his girlfriend wouldn't have to look at his house all covered in white, wasted toilet paper. Those rascals could have given that to triple question mark, he always needs more paper—even a deed to the owner ship of some flowers which spit business men of the Deku Kingdom into the air.
Now where was I? Agnaktor, that's right! I'm landing shot after incredible shot on the head of the monster and it dives back under, another sonic bomb and it's out in the open, another whack on the mole. Navi was actually quiet this entire quest, which I am concerned about, but only for that moment, for as I lay down the hammer on the head of the Agnaktor for the last time I feel a calm that I thought could only come from the Tidal Necklace.
I stand by the counter and remove my cap, Navi was asleep the entire quest. The thought of something so active being able to rest reminded me of Death Mountain and how it was resting before it exploded. I felt like that, I am so calm by the counter, I'm resting, but I want to explode on some random monster, and by random I mean I don't mind that it's not the Ceadeus, which at this I thought was called the Lagiacrus because the villagers of Moga framed the wrong monster. Never fear, for soon will come the hour of truth and the Ceadeus—I mean random monster—will be toast, with jelly, and coffee, coffee with cream, and sugar, and newspaper. Hmm, newspaper, will Garfield do this time?
But now I also wonder that Navi, the least likely person to nod off on me during a fight, does nod off. Incredible, but I have to believe it, "Do you remember when the thing started thrashing around like I had it by its tail or something?" she frowns thoughtfully, "No, I don't think so, how many strikes to the head did it take?" I wave off the matter, mostly because it doesn't matter, also, I had to do the Oocca Bow Gun justice, and I didn't remember how many shots it took, I'll battle it again in a dream for Navi to watch when I get back home, for now I inform her that a new quest is up and ready, "We're up against a Lagiacrus." I tell her, she pretends it's an interesting thing, the quest we're about to embark on, but I know that's not the case, "Dreaming about the old days of Hyrule Field? About the grass under Epona's hooves as she thundered down the old trails and I shot ghosts and you watched from the vantage point of my cap, tell me you couldn't forget the good old days." She sighed, I'm pretty sure of that anyways, I mean, it's a sound, right, so I should know, "Yes, Link, I was thinking of the good old days, except for the good part." Okay, now I'm confused, what part of the old days couldn't have been good? Everything, even the sad parts, built up our powers and our connection as guardian and whatever I was. Even her yelling at me from home to half the way to Death Mountain and back made us stronger. And every battle made me stronger, prepared me for the next. And it gave me insight to Navi's little oddities. The fact she likes peanut butter and jelly as long as the peanut butter has some chunks of the actual legume. I'm pretty sure it's not a nut. Those grow on trees. I should know, I was raised among trees. Also, I am one, feel free to play Ganondorf's Organ, it should still be in working condition, I mean, yeah, one of the keys are missing, but that's nothing a keyboard doctor can't fix, right?
Anyways, I learned my weak points and strong points and learned to build up the weak ones so they aren't so weak as soon as I had enough courage to say I was tough enough to face tougher monsters, thus adding their strength to my own, also, I never could have gotten the same kind of workout anywhere else. Same goes for her, I have learned a lot about the people I protected too. And now she wants to say that there's even half of a bad memory in her head from those years. I don't know what to say, but she fortunately explains before anyone could say I lost my words for a minute, "I know that we've stopped Ganondorf, but we've found our way here, a place that no one could think existed." I feel great relief, mostly because I was afraid she would have given me a rundown of every problem in Hyrule. Also, I was content that that was as bad as it got, but listen to what she says next, my relief is short lived, "Remember that time when you had to fight that Gerudo lady, and you had one arrow left? I was imagining what would have happened if you didn't have it. That time Ganondorf jumped up and away from the ground and then tried to slam you, he almost landed on you, I don't know why, but all of our greatest victories have been close calls, I don't know why, but every dream I've had since we got here has been about some mistake with tragic consequences, and I've been awful tired lately, so there's little I can do but try to forget every nightmare I've had since we got here." Well, I don't really know how to help her with this particular problem, though if this was about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich problem I'd be able to think of something. Or if it was a dragon or something and I could kill it. Or if I could go into her head and fight the source of the nightmares! Hey, that sounds stupid, but maybe it could work, I mean, I didn't even know this place existed. And maybe I can't inside her head, but if her dream world could spread out like the ocean then I could fight it for her. Maybe not take on the entire ocean, but just the giant monster in it, "Or if you tried to change your dreams, or if you thought about the times in Hyrule when there wasn't a fight going on, back to a time before I drew the Master Sword, if you thought about something happy, then maybe it would somehow make a good dream." I shrug to say "I don't know, but it's better than nothing." And I think for once that I know she smiled. I made myself sound like a ten-year-old and it just made her day. Wow, I held the cure the entire time. Forget offering my shoulder, I think maybe fairies live twice as long, so it takes them twice as long to grow up.
"That's nice of you, Link, but I've wondered that myself a lot, I can't even seem to realize it's a dream until I wake up." I shrug, it was worth the effort, but I should have taken a picture, it's not often that I have little to no doubt that she's smiling—and she thanked me! Getting a simple thank you for giving some advice feels better than being like Lucy and getting paid to give a psychological beat down, but I don't find that odd, unheard of from Navi, but I don't usually hear much from her than how to destroy something, I'm actually not even use to her smiling, or at least I get the feeling she's smiling. Usually I get the odd feeling that she's frowning disapprovingly at me. Like I broke a really expensive jar or something, and I'd never do that. Unless my life depended on it, and it usually does, "So, does this mean we can fight the Lagiacrus or what?" she nods and I return it. This is probably the most epic moment ever. Mainly because I know I'll probably fail and if I fail I never get home. This is pretty epic for me.
Why am I called "Hero of Time" and not "Dayshift Manager"? I mean, no complaints here, but I often find myself wondering that. Why am I so qualified? I'm not protecting something for all my life, just a couple of months. Anyways, their giving me so and so many zennies, so I guess I could maybe buy a ship and sail home. You know, that's the best idea I've had all day. A boat, and now a large grin steals the spotlight, "Hey, what if we bought a boat or something?" she doesn't seem too approving of that idea, "And who's going to sail it?" does she really want to know? I can't help but smile, "Me, I'm going to sail us home." I should have said, "Hey, the chief here said that there's a cat with a ferry that is a competent sailor, he can sail us back!" because, Navi is, of course, going to burst my bubble, "Or get us hopelessly lost." By the sad expression on my face she realizes her mistake, "I mean, neither of us know where home is, do we?" I sigh; it's the most defeated sigh I've ever sighed, few, I know, but aside from the brat boy that just lost a thumb wrestling match to his younger sister it's the only sad sigh I've ever sighed, "Well, we could try. It's better than just sitting here and waiting for us to go home without any effort." I guess she's agreeing, she's not saying anything, but logically speaking, not moving means never moving, an object in motion and all that Newton stuff, where's the Navi who would recite him like he was Shakespeare? I have to find out, "Look, Navi, let's fight Mister Lagiacrus, then go and get the boat if we can't think of anything else." She's thinking, thinking, thinking, thought complete, "I guess we can try, but the Lagiarus first, right?" yep, the Lagiacrus. The chief of this village calls him the Stinky Sea Devil. In my experience, if someone calls something stinky, and you've never smelled it, and you don't know how smell could hold you back or move you forward, then you should do yourself a favor and come to the conclusion that it is a term of contempt. And there's usually a good reason for that, too. Like 'Honey' is a term of endearment, someone was, well, a dear, unless there's actually honey in the equation, which basically means someone's talking about honey, or they're chatting with inanimate objects, that's me in some strange hour of the morning when Navi wakes me up to go to town to pick up some groceries, I mean, come on, that can wait, but if it can't, make breakfast.
But we're talking about the Lagiacrus, which has absolutely nothing to do with food, except one thing, but please hear me out on this one. Lagiacrus tails are used in this very village as supper. You what? Regret having taken the time to hear me out? Did I waste your time or do you not like the idea of Lagiacrus tails being presented on clay platters? Oh, both of those, well, sorry.
So here it is then, right in their backyard. Moga Village is all worked up about this, calling it the Final Battle and the Day of Death, the Moment of Truth, the Hour Reckoning. I like that last one the most. The Hour of Reckoning, that gives me the impression that the Lagiacrus is about to pay for his crimes against the village. Moment of Truth reminds me too much of home, the Lens of Truth and all that. Day of Death sounds kind of like the villain kills the hero. I'll pass on that, thank you very much. Final Battle sounds too used. The Hour of Reckoning it is. And what a force to reckon with!
How do I know I'm going to look back on this and somehow, someway, find something to laugh at, something, somehow, someway, I'll laugh. And Navi will come to realize that she's never going to figure me out. Some guardians never learn everything they need to learn in order to protect the one's they've been assigned to. The protected one doesn't always give all the information needed to help with that. And in my case you never know what will help, but I don't think of that is often enough to worry over the details of my life when Navi isn't watching, which would be whenever I wasn't out fighting some strange monster. She was always there for that.
Anyways, they got the Azure Lightning nickname cut out for the monster. There was lightning, I'll tell you that. Not only was there lightning, but there was roaring too. That thing has some kind of vocals. My ears are still ringing from the last time it tried to sing—tried, and failed, he couldn't sing, but he did.
Ah, and here's a lesson to all, kiddies, no electrical conveniences in or near the water, and I don't want to hear about how you turn off and unplug the hairdryer before introducing it to Senior Agua. Don't ask me why, let's just over prepare, okay? Thank you, now, we interrupt this kid's show about how safety comes first and blah, blah, blah to return you to your regularly scheduled violence. Thank you for your infinite patience.
I see the guy, he's right there in the water by the shore, the ruins of some ancient bridge arch over the water, as though a door to my foe, welcoming me to come and dance with the Lightning King—I made that one up myself—and no one can do anything but accept the invitation to the underwater ball. A ball that is thrown for the impending victory of either me or the Lagiacrus—may the better monster win. And in the words of Telma: And right now we need a beast, to keep the real ones at bay. And I realize that there's hope, perhaps it isn't that Hyrule doesn't need me, but Moga needs me more, and if I win, I get to go back home, because then it will need me most.
I jump in the water and right then and there I know just what it is I've done. I've made the first move, now Thor can choose which way to attack from there, I'll show you his options: Thor can barrel roll into me by calculating his distance and my trajectory (I've no doubt that monsters are all math experts, I mean, even the Duramboros had some skill!), it could also swim up to shore and build up some heavy volts to use on me while I get out of the water.
But it just floats there and roars at me, then it starts looking from me to the narrow passage behind it, back to me again, and then it starts swimming around me, and I swim closer to it, it keeps curving, I keep curving, so we're swimming in a circle, which I like as much as the next guy, but get real, I'm getting annoyed, if this thing can die from being dizzy then it will die before I even get close enough to give it a solid kick. It's just keeping its distance from me, I guess sensing my uncertainty letting me grow more uncertain, or hoping I will become more uncertain. It was either trying to get an angle open on my part, or it wanted to feel just what degree of uncertainty I felt, but soon it feels my anger, I'm impatient to get the first slice in, but it just keeps its steady gaze on me as I swim at an angle, away from the smaller—I was looking for the big white thing with two crooked horns—monster than I was expecting and soon I have the chance to dive forward and slice, but when I do it turns around back slaps me. With its tail slash fin, who knew, right? Yeah, sure, Navi, tell me what to do to defeat this guy, "Lagiacrus, Kills: 0 Captures: 0, I don't know it's weak point!" well, that certainly isn't encouraging!
Hey, wait, that's the Lagiacrus, which means that the other thing I ran off was not the monster making the earthquakes—was it? But wait, there's more, the villagers didn't think it was curious that the Lagiacrus had returned, meaning that the other thing I repelled may come back for personal vengeance on yours truly. The story of my life, things are getting better all the time, but now it's listen—it's the Ask Auntie Navi Power Hour, "Hey, listen!" she says out of the blue, I'm underwater, it's blue, and she's blue, I'm sorry if my shot at humor failed, but I knew she was about to say something—I kid thee not. Alright, shut up, I mean talk already, stop causing me to mess up on my words—I'm listening! "Maybe if you held your shield up before it turned around you could escape peril." Oh, yeah, I should have known, my shield can actually protect me. No time for snappy comebacks, she wins this round, but I'm going to find a way to top that. There, I have something to look forward to. Something to live for in case this is a dream and I start to believe that it is a dream a little too much and I wonder what it would look like to see something white, green, and read a lot about in the Moga news journal get electrocuted, so I'll just try to see how the dream ends. Okay, I'm chop-chopping this monster and then doggy paddling as it throws its head up to make fried chicken out of Navi—oh, and I'll be there too. Not that I'm chicken, I'm not scared of anything. Oh, who is Link kidding, he's terrified! Ah, and I'm shaka-talking like a Shakalaka! There's worse things, let's just try to survive, and remember, you can't see what dream you says to dream Navi to make up for not giving a smart remark earlier if you're dead in your dream.
News flash, Navi is flying around the head of this monster while I try to catch my breath. Okay, so that's not news, she's always so helpful when these monsters lose their mind to the insane fits of rage which they almost always fall into. Okay, Thor just turned into a high voltage live wire. It's not that he wasn't already a live wire, but now Navi can't even get an analysis done on Thor without getting fried, even the tail has lightning around it—I mean, the stub of the tail, I already got a shiny blue Lagiacrus plate from the tail, I'll have to show this to my girlfriend when I get back, she won't believe the adventures I've had here.
I float there, watching as Navi floats above the Lagiacrus, keeping him occupied. I must say, if you get Thor worked up enough he can really break out the thunder. I learned the hard way. I saw that face you made back there, the first time I called Lagiacrus "Thor", I guess I should keep my mouth zipped before I tell you the time I ran through an entire fortress with nothing but a shield, or you might start wondering why I called Rathalos the Red Skull. Stop staring! Okay, so I name every monster I fight, so what, I have to call it something while I'm fighting, right? I mean, how do you refer to a monster quickly without sounding like you're talking about Ganondorf? Seriously, Lagiacrus has danger written all over it, I don't want to fight something called Lagiacrus, that name is too aptly given. Call it something easy, quick, and friendly. Everyone loves a hero, or loves the villain who who trips on his shoe laces—I mean, the real life villain who trips on his shoe laces. That wouldn't make a very interesting movie.
But back to my fighting. It's not easy; to prevent losing my mind to Ganondorf I developed the habit of making fighting child's play. To do that you call the bad guy something childish. Ganondorf laughed when I called him Porky Pig. Everyone remembers him, right? Right, of course you do. That's all, folks.
Anyways, so with that last jolt of lightning he swam lazily out of the area. Now I follow it to the area that seems to have an underwater cave at the end. But I don't worry about that, time to finish this. It looks like a dragon I've met before, so I put my sword away and take the hammer to the mole. And I crash both his horns like I did the tusks of the Duramboros. He's none too pleased with this, to say the least, "Hey, Link, you're right, he does seem kind of like that dragon from Death Mountain; you know, the long, snaky, scaly way he glides through the water." As if I didn't glide through the water. Oh well, time to mention something else I've noticed, "Yeah, and how you don't know its weak point." She's fuming now, she can't tolerate the fact that she didn't remember when I played whack a mole and won all those tickets. The arcade guy threw a fit. He wondered if the ten-year-old wasn't twenty and somehow found a way to travel back in time. I'm eighteen and I'm at the peak of my mole whacking skills. I'll never be better. So if I wanted to go back in time and play that same arcade game, I'd do that now. But I'm a bit busy, so maybe later, but not at age twenty.
Okay, Thor is now spitting lightning at me. I guess he was the class bully as a child. Wadding up paper and spitting it through a straw. Only he's perfected the technique and added lightning. Pull out my shield! Bing! Bing! Bing-o! The shots hit my shield like the harmless wads of gooey paper we all know them to be. And yes, I put my hammer up before I got my shield up, otherwise I'd probably learn what wadded up, electric paper feels like. No, make that a definite. Anyway, I'm sure he's going to pull that again, so I get out Biggoron's Blade. It's the sharpest piece of steel to leave the hand of a Goron. And it doesn't break—even in a different world than where it was forged, how about that, a one hundred year warranty on a blade that won't break on my great-great-great-great grandchildren—way more than one hundred years!
Anyways, I'm chopping away at this monster when it spits out another wad. I told you he'd do that! But now you're asking why I have a blade that I can't use a shield with, you're a sharp one, let me tell you, and for all that sharpness I'm sure you'll have it figured out before I tell you, but I'll tell you anyways. When I was practicing my ocarina skills I had to use a skill that both the Master Sword and the Biggoron's Blade were good for. Does Dead Man's Volley ring a bell? Mean school girls, I thought they were nice, too.
I swim to the side and let it hit me, then swing the next right back into the thing's mouth. Now it's paralyzed. And I'm charging at it with all I've got, unleashing a deadly combo attack that I've always loved using. The Lagiacrus stretches itself to its full length—quiet intimidating, you can imagine. Especially when I feel the volts of lightning jolt through my body, I could have gone through that day without that. Fortunately this Zora Armor has high lightning resistance. Just don't go inside Death Mountain wearing this, or you'll learn the meaning of baked. Anyways, now I've had it. The monster just went to the place we just came from. I hit it once on Thor's way to shore. I cut its tail off and it goes back in the water and runs away, back to the other place, of course. It knows how to be aggravating, I'll give it that. Now that I'm back where it's at I manage to scare it off with by shooting it in the back with my arrows. I look at Navi and see an evil grin, "That thing's running away to get some shut eye, wait a minute and I'll be back." I wait for a little while and she comes swimming back my way, "He's asleep, he's asleep!" the wyvern sleeps, eh? Now is time to cut the head from the tyrant. I surface and see two Ludroths in the area, shot them both, they're dead, pull out my switch axe, raise it above the Lagiacrus' neck and wham! I guess that ends my quest, right? So back to Moga! Oh, first thing's first, I talk with Navi, "Hey, Link, your best time for this boss battle was 5: 13:09, that was one short Hour of Reckoning!" I laugh, just as I have promised, I found something to laugh about, "Yeah, but I guess wrecking almost got me killed!" she mock laughs because she doesn't think I'm that humorous, "Ha, ha, ha, I guess so, but seriously, we finished that monster off like any of the others, either you're just good at this or this is my dream." I wished then that I could tell her so, but then it would be my dream, anyways, now we can go back to Moga.
"So, you ready for a Ceadeus?" asks the Guild Sweetheart, I don't know why they call her that, I better find something to call her when I'm talking to the people of Hyrule, girlfriend included, "Yeah, sure, let me at him!" she laughs the laugh that I expected to hear and says, "That's the spirit of hunters!" I laugh as I realize something, I say it in my head, "That's the spirit of heroes! That's the spirit of the hero!" and that's what I am, a hero, maybe not even a Hylian hero, I don't know what I am but a hero. Wow, I feel kind of empty now, but in a heroic way. Ah, well, let's see this hideous—I mean the Ceadeus. Whatever it is, but first I'm handing Navi two thousand zennies so she can eat at that grill place in Tanzia. I need to think, but I don't want any help.
Okay, I'm in the one room place they gave me when I first ran that monster off. I guess I kind of got lost while I was combining some of the items I found on the many quests that I didn't tell you about because they're all boring anyway. Then I realize that each of these items came from one place to be combined with items from another. Pale extract from the coldest regions around, mixed with armor skin—made with immunizer foreign to those frozen realms—makes a drink that increases the effects of regular armor skin, and I realize that maybe I'm not just Hylian. Maybe some of Moga's been mixed in, I don't know, maybe I'm not thinking straight. Maybe the places I go let me discover how powerful I could be, maybe I'm just me. But this place has definitely rubbed off on me in more ways than one. No, I'm definitely Hylian, but I'm not in Hyrule. When in Luna do as the Lunarians do. Moon people, running around and playing hide and seek, asking strangers to their home questions about friends and what I mean to them. Time to ask myself a question they never did. These people, what are they to me? They always asked me what I was to other people, but I've never thought much about that myself. I realize that if I'm going to stay here I'm going to protect here. Wherever here is—where's Navi? Dinner time's over, she said she'd be here as late as sun down, some Guardian Fairy.
I know remember my first encounter with the Rathian, it was green and I used the hammer, which reminded me of another big bird whose name had something to do with a helm, but I'm staring at the Shadowed Edge so maybe I'm just prone to losing myself to thought at the moment. Call back later, when I know where I'm standing. Or walking, and now I throw myself backwards and land in the bed my cat servant made for me.
I'll never understand the thing about cat servants, but they seem so unlikely that if you're not careful you could tell them everything. Thankfully I only told the cat the parts up until now. What, I couldn't tell Navi, she wouldn't understand, she's my guardian, my protector, she'd get overly worried, I tell myself, then I ask where that would leave me. And if she didn't tell me to stop fighting then she might not trust me to handle myself against any of the monsters I've been around, and if she can't trust me then how well should I trust myself? She would even question my powers when I tell her I'm about to hunt something as weak as a Duramboros. Yeah, I like to think of things the way they are, but change is good. And the wind is blowing—the wind of change.
I'm at the camp and I don't feel anything exciting in the air at all, mostly because it's—guess what? Boing, boing, the time is three in the morning! (Say that with the most ridiculously happy expression ever.) And I didn't use to willingly wake up at such an hour. Usually one of the early risers got me up so I could show them how to handle a blade without causing them mortal harm in the process. That took a toll on my head more than once. Yeah, those kids polish those wooden sword handles so well, that if their hands are sweaty enough (show me the kid in my home village who doesn't get sweaty fingers when playing with a real life weapon) the wooden thing sideswiped me in the cranium and the cow jumped over the moon—or something to that effect. And I saw stars. Lots of pretty, colorful—oh, right, reality, yeah, Navi is giving me that "Are you ready for this battle or what?" look and I can only nod, why? Because I confided in someone who wasn't Navi; I hardly speak with anyone who doesn't buzz around my head. So I have no problem with Bnahabras or whatever those red backed insect things are. They spit at me. And sting me. And then I chop them up, a short lived friendship, oh well, Navi isn't happy with that nod, she looks like she suspects me of forgetting to turn off the oven and she's just waiting for me to admit it. So what can you do? Well, I know what I did, "Navi, look, if you're still tired then you can sit back on this one." She's a little on the shaken side of stirred by this, I mean, did Link just express concern, oh my goodness, someone call someone famous so they can hear about it and write it in their memoir. But at the same time she's actually kind of impressed that I'm not telling her what my problem is, she's congratulating me on my evasion skills the distance I've evaded her biting concern, and that I've been able to play monkey in the middle for this long, but she has wings, so she's bound to catch on, and I'm the two people throwing back and forth the object she so clearly sees. Usually she has this way of making me talk. Oh, that's when I'm being silent and she's staring at me, but I figured I should say something to keep myself from telling her my problems, so I talked about something completely irrelevant to what's on my mind, which means I did something different. Or maybe this is what always happens and I never noticed it until now because I've never tried to dodge the unasked question, and now I'm uncertain about myself, "Well, Link, before I forget, here's the money I didn't use." One thousand, two thousand, all two thousand zennies, great, a hundred percent of the money I gave her, right back here. How could she do this to me? She is telling me, "I spent absolutely nothing because I delight in eavesdropping on you." I guess she knows, "Well, in the event that I didn't upset you by not telling you this, I've got a pretty good excuse, I didn't tell you directly because I thought-" "That I would think you're weaker by hearing what makes you feel weak, and I wouldn't trust you to put yourself in harm's way, right?" I don't know how or why, but she's always right. Well, that means I can say less than I would have had to otherwise, "Yep, pretty much, so, if we're cool then I'll be hunting that whale that just jumped out of the water—that's the Ceadeus, right?" she tells me with that terribly silent smile that I'm right. I can't tolerate her being this silent, it makes me feel weak. Or something, I don't know, maybe I'm used to her telling me to listen while she thinks of some plan of attack, or maybe now would be the time where she tells me that she'll let me off the hook this time if I come back in one piece, which is a great motivator, when you think about it. So I dive and hope that this is the fight that'll send me home. But when I find the monster it's just gliding through the water lazily. I swim up to it and call out to Navi, "Hey, old lady, mind telling me what I'm supposed to be doing?" I call her old because she's hanging back and I'm not about to risk bad humor by calling her a chicken in water, not smart, "Weaken the monster somehow. I don't know, you're a smart kid, you'll think of something!" she just accused me of being a smart kid. Now, I'm about to question the aging of her fellow beings. Is she young, or old, or does it matter? Maybe she's trying to make me ask questions, "So, how old are you—in human years, I mean." She looks at me as if she doesn't know and I'm the one who was supposed to be keeping up with our ages to begin with, "I'm not sure what you mean." And then it hits her like a tsunami. And we're in the water, so that's a very apt analogy, "Yeah, I meant kid as in goat, goat as in, if I wasn't here you'd still be bashing heads with the Duramboros. Or looking for it, whichever would make you look more stupid." I can't help but laugh at the joke she made on the idea that if she wasn't there I'd forget my head isn't attached—oh, and I'm laughing in my head and communicating in my head, which is one of the great things about Zora Armor, "Just making sure you're still young enough to heal quickly from the battle wound's we're going to sustain. It hurts just to touch its fin!" she gives me one of those "Yeah, I know, stupid, isn't it?" shrugs, or at least she would shrug that shrug if she had shoulders, and as I've said we talk with our minds, sometimes she even has a tone in her mental voice.
Anyways, I follow it through the area, using my claw shots to get closer to it, "Don't let him escape!" she yells, then, as though I planned this battle, I hit it hard enough to upset him, "Yeah! Right in his furry mane! Now follow him to his lair!" I do so and find mounted bow guns in the lair; I gather a lot of ammunition for the guns, but I also hit him with my hammer and swords, so the battle here has been me alternating between chasing and evading, and getting hit with water, though more than a few times I have managed to dodge the water beams.
He swam away now, and I glide to the guns, he is swimming back slowly, I realize I shouldn't risk not being able to make him falter at the perfect time, if he stays still for only a minute where I need him it would be terrific, so I take no chances and get my light arrows ready, swim close to the large spiked weapon and wait. He is swimming up and the light arrow pierces his hide, and he gets a purple hue where the pale white was, "Hurry, hit him with the Dragonater before he comes back to his senses!" I swim to the button, he's right in line, and the large spiked weapon hits him, and it rolls onto its side with an agonized roar, white light shines from it, and we heard voices, "Link, Swordsman of Valor, Hero of Hylia, listen, Link, listen to our words! Link, Hunter of Monsters, you have survived this land thus long. Navi, brave adventurer and aid to Link on these many hardships that have befallen you both, you have endured the same hardships without failing in your duty to protect him, and he without failing the lands to which he travels. Go to your home now and be stronger than you were, and when you go back to Moga call us." I hear a tune which I play on my ocarina after I tell the people I've killed it but there's another, then I play the song I heard, but in the background I hear something like the Song of Time—only backwards! I didn't kill Ceadeus, you say? Then why is this I now hold a Deep Dragon Gem? Yeah, I don't know why I was allowed to keep it either.
Now we're on the moon, I would know that tree from anywhere, but what do these kids want? "You two have done well." one or all four of them say, it's impossible to tell because of their masks, but if they say I've done well then I must have. I don't know what I did, but I should definitely not change anything, "As a reward for your unselfishness even in a foreign land we will send you to Termina, from there you will find a secret path in the woods that lead up a mountain and around a river, find it and you will find the place you seek." I hesitate, "You mean Hyrule? I mean, I get to go back to Hyrule?" the only answer is: "You will find the place you seek." And as it turns out, they did mean Hyrule. Complete with Epona and Castle Town.
And that concludes the first person story line, now you know the legend about the Hero who hunted monsters and how he found the land from whence he came, how his fairy partner/guardian—who helped him in the adventures he undertook—helped him to stay alive during his quests, how the duo conquered the odds and the monsters and found their way home.
I hope that you enjoyed and that you make sure you stop, look, and, as Navi would say,"listen" before you decide to cross the tracks. You never know when you might step out in front of a Duramboros. Ouch.
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