If Only…
-Summary- If only I had stopped for a minute or two, I could have thought to tell you just how glad I really was to have you.
I do not own death note.
Warnings: Umm, character death I guess, and Matt's real name.
This is kind of a sequel to I Care. So yeah, enjoy. Constructive criticism welcome.
Mello pov
I wonder if instead of narrowing my vision to only see the end of Kira, if I had seen the things I had. Granted I don't have much, especially after that explosion. Only my chocolate, that little crappy apartment, a large sum of money, my awesome leather and motorbike. Is it too much to say I have you Matt?
Now when I think about the times that we spent together, I can easily imagine me hugging and kissing you. Was I really so blinded? Why did it take your death to make me realise how much I depended on you? How glad I was to have you just always there. You never asked for much or anything at all. Now I wish you did. If you had would I have realised early? Would things get to where they are now? Would you still be alive?
It's so, so easy to imagine what we would be like if we had been together. To hold or be held by you. It sounds so nice but of course I didn't even thing to look at something other than capturing Kira. I guess that's one of my biggest regrets now. Is that why I'm number two? Why did you always look at me like number one then?
Everyone thought that you were stupid despite being third. Even Roger. They thought that I told you what to do, as though you were my puppy or something but the truth is you never were. At first you were just there, then we ended up as roommates. We never really talked then, I would just eat chocolate and you'd just play that little handheld game you liked so much. I guess somewhere along the way, we became friends. Soon I could come to you about anything, I could trust you to tell me if I was going too far or was 'just being stupid' in your words. I'd always yell at you for saying that I was being stupid and then I would go do it anyway.
I feel so damm angry. I can't decide whether I'm angry at you or Kira or maybe I'm angry at myself. Why didn't you try to slow me down for a minute so I could see the things I had? Why did you go along with almost everything I did even when you knew I was being stupid? If there had been no Kira would L be alive? If Kira had not been as smart or as cautions would L have beaten him? Would I have beaten Near if Kira wasn't around and L was still alive? If I had of stopped studying for just an hour or even a half hour every now and then would I have realized just how important you were to me? If I had just done something different would I have realized?
Now that I think about it, you did love me didn't you? I can't believe I never noticed that you loved me. It was in the little things that you did like how you made sure I slept at least a little bit every day and made me eat something every day even when I yelled at you or told you that chocolate would be enough for me. How you put up with me at all.
Perhaps I loved you too. The way you'd take you're googles off when I was yelling at you because you knew I couldn't yell at you when I could see those bright and always filled with expression. The way you played your games, almost as though the world could end but you would finish that game. Yet you always listen to me when I spoke. Why is that?
The fact is that I didn't stop to see what I had. I didn't stop and take a break from the Kira case. Maybe that's why I was number two.
There are so many things I wish I had said to you and now I can't. You gave up your life to forward the plan I had. I will never forgive myself for that. I wish you had hated me so then at the very least, you would be alive but in the end your dead and I'm still alive because of you. You did everything you could to make sure I would still be alive. I guess that means I can't call you lazy anymore.
If only I had come up with a better plan, but there wasn't enough time. If only I had stayed at whammy's, but what good would that have done? Near would have left and would never have the chance to be first. If only I had taking Matt with me, then I would never have joined the Mafia because I would have tried to protected him. If only I had been first, then none of this would have happened!
But it did…
If only I had told you how much you meant to me then perhaps things could have worked out differently. Maybe we could have ended up together. s… Mail… I'm sorry… If only…
Ok, I'm not happy with Mello's character but I thought I'd post it anyway.