an interview with the drag devil
I had this thought a few days ago where I wanted to make Faba, Guzma, and Kukui (and Colress) drag queens, and then today I was feeling down. so i wanted to try second-person. Faba's always pretty fun to write.
Growing up, you didn't know the first thing beyond your giant, normal family. If you walked down the street, there was a good chance that in one of those brightly-painted houses, you were related to someone. And most of the family worked either on the farms, or if they were lucky, in the tourist district in the bigger cities. There was no such thing as depression or a gay in the countryside. If you were gay, and your friend was gay, you would never know about it unless you had one beer too many.
Over the years you've had a lot more leeway to change than your ancestors, and you changed along the times. You realized you were gay and you realized you were mentally ill, and you went to a fancy, four-year college for journalism. As you kept up with the latest news, you saw the trend for LGBTQ+ advocacy skyrocket as your fellow gays kept coming out of the closet. The past ten years for the community in Alola has been like the equivalent of some beefy frat boy party. Sure, there's been more homophobia and transphobia than you ever needed to see in seven lifetimes, and you hate a lot more people because of this than when you were a heterosexual, ignorant lad, but you'll celebrate the victories just as loud as how you mourn your defeats.
Luckily today's one of those victory times. Tonight Po Town is hosting its first-ever drag show, assisted by the former Team Skull members and the questionable cop, and you get to interview the trendiest drag queen for a cover piece in Ula'ula Cosmopolitan, Jade Caesar, real name Alfonso "Faba" Digiorno (whether his last name is even real is doubtful). Jade is a 35 year old spitfire originally from the Kalos region. She has a degree in economics and uses her knowledge on the stage by wearing a lot of watches and number jewelry. You figure you can't really do much with economics and drag, other than to pay your rent, so you don't question it. Hinted by her name, she is also known for her signature lima bean eyeshadow, green as nuclear waste.
You go to the skateboard park, where the drag show is being held, an hour early and flash your journalist's pass. Security waves you in, and you go into what constitutes as "backstage", which is actually the park's nearby bathroom facilities. It's not very big to do much of anything, especially getting prepared for a drag show, and there will be irate people who need to tinkle later, but it's not your fault. Po Town doesn't have much of a budget, ever since the Team Skull disaster. It's still recovering from all of those hooligans. You knock first, then step into the bathroom.
There are three stools lined up by the sinks, and the sinks have an assortment of makeup accessories, hair accessories, hair dryers, bobby pins, dresses, wigs, and everything else that make drag queens look extra fabulous. Sitting on the middle stool, smoking a cigarette, is Alfonso. He's pretty attractive even without being Jade Caesar. His giant, green goggles perfectly accent his messy, sandy-blond hair, and he has dark wine stains on the faded, gray t-shirt he's wearing. He looks annoyed, and for a few seconds you hesitate to venture in any further. Then, looking down at your boots, you gain your wits back and give a light smile. "Mr. Alfonso?" you start, trying your best to sound official. "I'm Josh from Ula'ula Cosmopolitan? I'm here to get the latest word from you."
You extend your hand for a handshake but he ignores it, waving it away. "Yes, yes, of course, darling. You're a half hour late, so you're going to have to wait while I get ready. Sit on that stool next to me. Colress never sits down when he's hopped up on his science highs."
You fail to resist the urge and double-check your watch. It reads 8:00 p.m. You're definitely on time; Alfonso is not. You guess that with liquor drag queens are not always punctual. Biting your lip you take the stool offered and sit down, trying again to shake hands, but Alfonso gives you a look of distaste. It feels as if you're a Durant or a Caterpie just waiting to get squashed by a human foot. He's probably had a long day. "I'm afraid I don't have time to make friendlies with you, Jacob," he finally says cheerfully. "I need to finish filing my nails, and if I waste time on you, I'd have to waste time on every diddly-darn employee in this park. Be a doll and hand me that filer there, will you?"
You quietly hand him the nail file, not bothering to correct your name, and take out your recorder and your writing utensils as he stares intently at manicured, pale green fingernails. "Ah, and don't call me Alfonso after this. Alfonso's for parents and legal documents. Call me Faba."
"Right. Sorry."
"How would you like to start, Jacob? I don't really like gossip, unless it's about my ex-boss, ohoho. What a bitch. Oh! Speaking of, you wanna see what she bought me for Christmas? She's trying to make up for being such a bitch, and a lot of people are mad at me for accepting it, but it's not like it was killed for its fur or anything."
He pulls out something from beneath his legs and wraps it around him. It's a Lycanroc cape, made from real Lycanroc fur, and you can't help your stomach from turning over your late lunch. In your grandparents' time, you heard that the Alolan people used to hunt pokemon and make use of their meat and fur during hard times, but that tradition has mostly fallen out of practice now, other than the Alolans in the more remote areas of the land. Besides, you're pretty sure your grandparents would never wear a fur so casually unless they had nothing else to wear, and even then they'd probably keel over in their birthday suits. It was a dishonor to the gods to vainly flaunt part of a corpse, regardless if it was killed or if it died from natural causes. Sometimes foreigners could be so careless.
Faba catches your eye, shrugs, and tosses the cape back into its bag. He's not completely ignorant. "I know, I know. Not everyone's taste," he says in a sing-song voice. "You must understand, Jake, that I have, hmmmm, a different set of morals and reactions to most people. I'm not very kind to sensitivity. You know, I used to be a branch chief at Aether before I was demoted. Thank my ex-boss for that."
"Aether? The Aether Foundation that's currently under investigation for implications of ethical mistreatment and pokemon abuse?"
"Ooo, so technical! Yes, yes, the very one." Faba glances at his left hand, satisfied with the way the nails are even, and starts working on his right hand. "I was a very short-sighted man back then, but I assure you, I'm a very changed person. I don't call every child a brat anymore. In fact, I've grown quite fond of a child or two. You could say like I'm a second father to them, but I'll never have kids. Too stinky. Oh! And I'm doing this show for 75% of my usual charge! Yes, yes, you should talk more about my career now instead of my career then, darling. Out with the old Faba and in with the new Jade Caesar, ha!"
You nod and pretend to scribble that down, actually scribbling a quick sketch of a gun. You dabbled in the arts while in college. "Of course, Jade. So, let's start with the basics. How long have you been in drag, and what made you interested in it?"
Jade shrugs again and, taking one good look at her right hand, sees that it's good enough and tosses it across the counter. She picks up a beauty blender and begins dabbing her face with foundation. "Believe it or not, even though I'm such a prodigy, I only started doing drag a year ago. Amazing, right? I was going through a divorce from my best friend - who I still live with, by the way, bless my heart - and I started watching these drag shows broadcast from the Unova region because thanks to some scandals, I was demoted from Aether.
"I kept laying on the couch, day after day, as my ex-wife kept yipping about all of the bills we still have to pay. And day after day, I kept having to see such a gruesome form hover over the table and feed me dry sandwiches. Don't get me wrong, Charlotte...you'd probably call her Wicke, most people do...she's a cute pudge. but she can be so disgusting sometimes. Why, tell me, does she have all of that pudge and breasts and everything else that God has given to her, and she does nothing with it? She always looks like a dejected librarian trying to give children her summer reading list!"
You get the gist of it, and before Jade can continue her tirade of her ex-wife, you decide to move on with the questions as she works on her concealer. You'd ask who her drag inspirations are, but somehow you have this feeling that she would just reply with herself, so you decide to change up the question a little bit. "So, have you made any friends in the drag community in the past year?" You decide to take a risk. "Any...enemies?"
"Of course! To both!" There are stars in Jade's eyes now, and you pinpoint her exact interest in gossip. "As you may or may not have guessed, Jake, my biggest inspiration is myself, since I've grown so much in this past year, and I've gained so many admirers and jealous rivals as a result. Let's see...hmmmm..." She taps on the counter and carefully hides her dark circles with the concealer cream. "I'm friends with Colress, who's Marie Manicure. Marie's in the same boat as me, although she's got her hands involved in much dirtier things. International scummy things. And what a snark! Marie's probably the snarkiest gal I now. Sometimes I can't even keep up with her.
"And then there's Guzma, who's Guzzie. In case you've lived under a rock these past couple of years, darling, she was Team Skull's boss. Honestly, she should be in jail right now, but she's been given a second chance like the rest of us. I like her attitude and the way I can get under her skin sometimes. She always shares her makeup with us, too. I don't like her friend, though, Professor Kukui, or Kukui Lilo. Don't ever listen to the press, Jake. Everyone gushes about how Kukui is so strong and nice and everything, but I know...that there's something fraudulent about them. And their wife. Burnet might make great makeup for Guzzie, but I know when bad makeup makes a pretty face break out. That's why I stopped borrowing her makeup."
Finished with her concealer, she grabs her eye makeup and begins to start, but after a couple of seconds she puts it back down and looks annoyed again. You're honestly at a loss of words until Jade starts again, "Anyway, I have about forty-five minutes to get ready, and you're slowing me down, hon. Come back after the show and we can do take two of this interview." She suddenly shoots you a sultry look, and you're bewildered. "I'll make it worth your while," she whispers.
You resist a shudder but nod. "Of course, Miss Caesar. Thanks for your time."
"Sure, sure. Shut the door on your way out, Jake. It's drafty out."
"Josh."
"Pardon, darling?"
You glare at her. "My name is Josh. I look forward to talking to you later."
You practically stomp out of the bathroom and bump into a drag queen with bright blue hair, who gushes over your own hair and talks a couple of minutes with you about the relationship between pokemon and climate change. It sounds pretty far-fetched, but you're too mentally exhausted to stop her, so you let her blabber on until Jade calls her over and you're free. You step out of the bathroom and notice a boy standing against the brick wall on another side. Since you still have a half hour, you decide why not shoot the breeze and join in his frustration. "What are you so testy for, kid?" you ask.
He looks up at you and grimaces. Those bright green eyes of his sure seem pretty cutthroat. "My parentals are supporting the drag show tonight," he says, grunting. One of them's one of the drag queens' ex-wives, and they're still friends, so I'm stuck going for entertainment. You know Jade Caesar?"
You say, a little too quickly, "I know her more than I wanted to."
"I hope she steps on a tack."
You're not a novice journalist, so it's not like you rubbed Jade's buttons the wrong way on accident, and you're not quite super-experienced, so you didn't rub her buttons on purpose. She just seems like an awful person, and this boy with the noodle-looking haircut is the first person to make sense all days. You nod and smile. "Me too."