Story: Dynasty Idiots Part 1: Silly Dynasty Warrior Shorts Remastered
Author: Master Jin Sonata
Written: January 2008
Remastered: July 2nd, 2016
Genre: Humor
Rating: T (Language and Violence)
Disclaimer: I do not own Koei or its kooky cast of Chinese Warriors.
Dong Zhuo In: Another Brick In The Wall
It was a warm summer evening in Dong Zhuo's territory. Dong Zhuo, who was out shopping, was on his way back toward his castle, when he encounters a rather annoying obstacle.
TRIP…CRASH!
Dong Zhuo was now flat on his fat face, his groceries sprawled all around him. He slowly gets up and turns around to see who had tripped him.
"Alright! Who's the wise-guy who made me fall?" he demands looking about the area before finally looking down at the dirt.
It was a lone brick.
"What?! How dare this clump of building material bring me down! You shall pay for this, evil brick!" Dong Zhuo warns, getting up and kicking the brick with his foot.
CRACK!
"OOOW!" the tyrant yells now that he broke his foot trying to kick away the red clump of building material. "Why you little…I'll show you whose boss!"
Dong Zhuo then leaves the area, only to return driving a giant wrecking ball machine.
"Prepare to feel my wrath, you stupid brick! Muahahahahaha!" Dong Zhuo laughs evilly as proceeds to pull the lever, causing the giant ball and chain to begin swinging around wildly.
Unfortunately for Dong Zhuo though, he ultimately misses smashing the brick on the ground, and instead witnesses the giant wrecking ball to swing back around toward him.
CRASH!
The wrecking ball collides into Dong Zhuo, sending the entire machine flying into the distance with the tyrant screaming like a girl all the way.
Seconds later, Xu Zhu, wearing a construction outfit, walks into the scene where the brick laid and picks it up.
"Now that break is over, time for me to finish building this wall!" Xu Zhu says as he walks toward a nearby building and fits the brick into an open whole and sealing it afterwards.
"All done!" he says, before leaving to go home.
Xiao Qiao In: The Adventures of Sailor Wu
In the Wu Kingdom there lives a young girl named Xiao Qiao. An average girl if you will, who gets below than average grades in school.
"Here's your test back, Miss Qiao," says Xiao Qiao's homeroom teacher.
"What?! 32?! Dammit! This is the millionth test I've failed this month!" Xiao Qiao says, softly banging her head on her desk in frustration.
However, despite her not so impressive academic record, Xiao Qiao finds plenty of excitement during the night hours.
Xiao Qiao was merrily skipping down the street on her way home, when she notices something suspicious happening down a dark alley. She goes to investigate. Upon arriving at the dark alley, she sees a couple of thugs harassing a young girl.
"Gimmie your purse, little girl!" says one of the thugs.
"Yeah, hand it over before you get hurt! Hahahaha!" says the other thug.
"Somebody help!" the little girl weeps as the thugs begin to take off with her purse.
"Looks like this is a job for Sailor Wu!" Xiao Qiao proclaims as she runs to the nearest phone booth to change her clothes, but was kicked out of it upon entering.
"Get your own damn booth, kiddo," says Superman as he slams the phone booth shut.
"Meanie!" Xiao Qiao says as she tries to find another place to change into her magic Sailor outfit.
Twenty Minutes Later
Xiao Qiao emerges from an abandoned car dressed in her red and white magic sailor outfit and hurries back to the alley.
"Beware evil-doers! Sailor Wu is here! In the name of the Wu, I shall punish y-hey! Where did those thugs go?" she asks, looking around to see that everyone was gone.
"Oh for the love of…! I need to find a much faster method to change into my outfit! I'm going home!" she says in a huff, turning to leave the area.
Dian Wei In: Coffee Crisis
Dian Wei was sitting on Cao Cao's throne while his leader was at a convention. During that time all problems and concerns were to be taken up with Dian Wei.
"Ah, this is such an easy job. All I have to do is sit around and act all leader-ish and stuff," he says as he sips on a cup of coffee.
He continues to sip on his coffee as one of the castle guards came running to him.
"Dian Wei, Dian Wei! The Shu Kingdom is threatening to invade us!" says the panicky castle guard.
"I'll deal with it later. Go away," Dian Wei says, caring more about his coffee then the report of the castle guard.
After the guard leaves, the castle chef storms in and confronted the acting leader of Wei.
"Dian Wei, Dian Wei! We do not have enough food to feed everyone tonight!" the nervous chef pleaded to him.
"Not my problem. Now scram!" Dain Wei says to him.
The castle chef leaves, and as usual, Dain Wei was savoring his coffee like there was no tomorrow.
"Ah…its great to act as the king…" he says with much delight.
Dian Wei then sets his coffee down on the ground next to the throne as another castle official approaches him.
"Dian Wei, Dian Wei! Come quick! The castles on fire…" the castle official as he approaches Dian Wei…
Tip…SPLOOSH!
…kicking over Dian Wei's cup of coffee in the process.
"…You spilled my coffee…" Dian Wei says, shocked at what he was seeing.
"Forget the coffee sir, the castle is going to burn down if…" the castle official tries to explain, but was cut off.
"I paid six-freakin' dollars for this cup of coffee at Starbucks this morning, and you come trotting along and spill it!" Dain Wei says, starting to sound really pissed.
"But sir! This is more pressing then…" the castle official continues, now sounding very nervous.
Dian Wei took out his battle-axe and began drawing near the official.
"Look dweeb, you better buy me another cup of coffee before I swing this axe where the sun don't shine!" Dain Wei threatens him.
"Waaah! I'm sorry!" the official yells as he turns and begins fleeing the area.
"Get back here!" Dian Wei yells as he proceeds to pursue the fleeing official, waving his axe around wildly as he gave chase.
Continue on to the next chapter!