I'm Grumpy Dude, this is my first story.
Background info:Sara and Eclipse are two friends that have been sucked into Tales of Symphonia.
. . . Just read the story.
It started out rather harmlessly. After defeating monsters, again, I watched Kratos thrust a thick stubby dagger into his very long thin scabbard. I kept wondering, 'I know he's evil and all, but how does he do that?' So, while Eclipse and the others were talking, I asked him. "Kratos, how do you do that?"
"Do what?" he asked.
"You know . . . stuff that dagger quickly into your scabbard." I said, mimicking the way he did it.
A smirk crept across his face. "Foolish pupil. You will never master my technique."
"Just tell me." I was starting to get annoyed.
"Fine." He sounded surly. "But in private." He started to walk back toward the others.
"Fine," I called, while thinking. "Why in private? How odd. Hmm... Wait! What? Private? That perv! How old is he anyways!"
My M-rated thoughts were interrupted by something clonking me on the head.
"Why would I care about something that stupid!" Kratos screeched.
Oops. Guess I was thinking out loud. "Ow. That hurt," I said reproachfully. Kratos glared at me.
"Do you want to learn it or not?!"
Yes, please."
"Then we'll meet in this clearing after dinner so no one notices."
"Wha- that has to be the dumbest, oldest cliches-"
He had already left. How dare he leave during my tirade! When we met again I would give him a piece of my mind!
Later
It was after lunch, and I was waited for Kratos in the clearing. I waited . . . . . and waited . . . . . . . and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.
I started to pace. "What's taking him so long? I'm beginning to wonder if he's even coming."
"I'm already here."
I turned. "Oh, thank goodness! You're here! Wait, you're here? What took you so long! I've been waiting for hours!" I exclaimed.
"It was only two minutes."
"Wha- You were here the whole time? You jerk."
He ignored me. "Now, the question that you asked me before, about my scabbard."
I waved my hand in the air. "Um-"
"Quiet! I'm not finished."
"Um, Kratos?" I said more urgently.
"I said I'm not finished! And it's 'sir'."
I continued to frantically wave my hand. "Um, sir?"
"Yes?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"What?!"
Thinking he hadn't heard me, I took a deep breath. "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SIR!"
I heard you before!" he snapped with his hands over his ears.. "Can't it wait?"
"No!" I was practically dancing in agitation by now.
"Fine," he sighed. "But make it quick."
I smiled and hurried away.
Five Seconds Later
"I'm back!" I sang.
"What?! But you were gone for f-five seconds!" spluttered Kratos.
"Oh, that. You bought it? And you're the smarty in the game . . . "
"Are you saying you faked it?!"
"Well, yeah. Hey, don't blame me, blame the makers of the game. They're the one's who didn't program outhouses or toilets," I said.
That threw him for a loop. "What . . . . ?" he finally said, "A . . . a game?"
"Never mind. Will you show me the technique now? Pretty please?"
"Oh . . . fine. Are you ready?" he said, getting into a comfortable fighting stance.
"I'm ready!" I said while muttering, "Wow, who else says that? Ooo, I know! Spongebob!" And so, I marched around Kratos, imitating the noble sponge, chanting, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm r-"
Whack! Pow! Smack! Bam! Whonk!
Kratos rubbed his knuckles while I rubbed my poor, injured, abused body. "You're cold," I muttered.
"Shut it. Now, are you prepared?" he said, once again settling into a comfortable fighting stance.
"I-" I started. Kratos shot me a glare that made five birds and a wyvern drop out of the sky, dead.
"-am prepared, sir." I finished meekly.
"Good. Now hold the scabbard in one hand and the sword-"
"Dagger," I corrected.
"Weapon," he said testily, "in the other hand."
"Right," I said, pantomiming his acttions.
"Hold tightly."
"Right."
"And press the magic button."
"Ri- huh?"
But sure enough, Kratos pushed a button on the scabbard. With a click and a whooooooosh that sounded like a vacuum cleaner, the dagger was stuck tight in the scabbard.
"And that," Kratos said proudly, "is how it's done."
"Gimme that!" I yanked the scabbard away from him.
"Hey! That's mine!" Kratos whined.
I held it reverently in my hands. The aura of the scabbard seemed to glow with an other worldly power. "This . . . scabbard," I wispered, "is an all powerful vacuum cleaner! It's so . . . beautiful!" I started sobbing.
"Vacoom cwea-nah?" Kratos mused aloud. "Whuzat?"
"And the power . . . ahhh, I could drown in it!" I said, rubbing my face on the scabbard.
"Eww!" Kratos weenie-whined. "I don't want it now!"
"Now," I continued, rubbing the scabbard under my arms, "with you by my side, world domination is no idle fantasy!"
"Huh?" Kratos said.
"Mwa,hwah,hwah,hwah!" And with my evil signature laugh, I went about sucking up wildlife, flora, and fauna. Sucking up Bambi, Flower, Thumper, a stream, 20 trees, 15 boulders, and various other things was not a problem. Sub-consciously, I was aware of two things. One, Kratos screaming in a high-pitched girl's voice, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" Secondly, I was vaguely aware of the bag at the end of the scabbard swelling rapidly. Hmmm . . . maybe this could pose a problem. Oh, well.
Meanwhile at Camp
Everyone was gathered around a fire, eating Genis' delicious home cooked (sorry, out-door cooked) meal of laborious love. Genis finally said, "So Lloyd, what did you think of my casserole of love?"
"Well," Lloyd said, his mouth dripping with saliva, "I thought it was a little crunchy, but its munchy and crunchy interior was sublime."
A long pause filled the air. Then, "No, Lloyd. I'm not talking about what Noishe made, I meant my food!" ("munchy, crunchy, chewy, and-")
Before anyone could reply to that statement, explosions were heard in the distance. Knowing Sara was being stupid ,again, Eclipse excused herself and headed off to the clearing, thinking, "What awaits me just ahead?"
Find out next on the next chapter of ToS: Tales of Spoof-alot!