To Whom it May Concern:
It has been about a year and a month since I started writing fanfiction in the Detective Conan/Magic Kaito section. My, how time has flown. Looking back on all the works I have completed during this year long foray, I am both pleased and amused at the strange twists and turns my words have taken. The characters themselves have been through quite an interesting ride with me, and I am not quite so sure they have enjoyed the journey as thoroughly as myself. Thus, I would like to issue apologies to the following:
To Kisaki Eri:
Since I have yet to fully expound upon your character, I feel that I have nothing to apologize for…except perhaps for not writing you.
…Okay, there was a slight allusion to you and an unhealthy obsession with Agasa-hakase, leading to an estrangement on your part with your husband, but in my defense, I feel that this is inconsequential considering the fact that no words were spoken on your part, just a drunken Kogoro's startling insight. And even if I expound upon this idea (the plunnies do have an idea or two whining in the wings), you would really only enter into the story after Kogoro has fried the Kaitou Kid's brain. Granted, you would utterly destroy Kaito's sanity with one well-timed comment ("Devil's Threesome, anyone?"), but since this scene exists only in my mind, and not on paper, I feel justified in withholding an apology. I should not have to apologize for what has yet to happen (and may never happen), and as a lawyer, you should concur that without any physical evidence, there can be no conviction. Without a conviction, there is no case.
So, I would apologize for not expounding upon your character, but I rather think you are happier I have not.
To Hattori Heiji:
This has been plaguing my conscience for almost a year, ever since I stuck you in a bet with one Kudo Shinichi, so let me state this before everything else:
Hattori Heiji, I am sorry I consider you a plot device.
Before a detective, before a bishie, before a brash Osakajin with a hot-blooded temper, I have always considered you a means of moving a story forward. I know you are more than this, that you have your redeeming qualities, your deeper insights and lovable quirks, but you first jumped into my life right as I was about to give up hope of ever getting Kudo into Kid's suit. The wondrous image of Kudo legitimately cosplaying as Kid against his will was almost left to rot in the inner crevices of my gray matter when you plopped down on the scene like a missive from God, banging about left and right with that katana, carving a means and motive into light and thus saving this image from a premature death. Watching your work, the inner cogs and gears whirring with ideas and snarky commentary, all I could think was "Thank you Heiji. Thank you for being my plot device."
So while this is slightly degrading to both you and me, I have yet to convince my subconscious mind otherwise. I am afraid that we will both have to live with this conclusion. So thank you Hattori Heiji for being a plot device (Would you be offended if I referred to you as my plot device?) and I offer my deepest condolences on the fact that my mind refuses to grasp onto any higher facet of your wonderful personality.
But I am afraid there is another slight misgiving of which I am guilty. I tend to stick your character in some rather embarrassing situations that nine times out of ten bite you in the ass. You really do not deserve to be the butt of my jokes. I would write you some legitimate romance if you would stop being so dense. One corpse is fine, three I can handle. But when it gets to being around fifty and you still have yet to figure out the clichéd situation going on, you really are asking for it.
I would also like to apologize in advance for your imminent demise whenever I get around to finishing my sequel to Bets. Kudo is going to kill you, and he will have just cause. (Ah, but what a way to go. He will never live this prank down.) I would suggest you work on your long distance running skills. But that is merely a suggestion.
To Toyama Kazuha:
Would you like for me to apologize for writing you as kick-ass? Because I will if you want me too. But between you and me, I would just say no. There is something to be said for being kick-ass.
To Tsubaraya Mitsuhiko:
I am sorry that I always tend to write your character with connections to the Black Organization. I am not quite sure what it is about your personality, but I seem to always find myself playing with you and the bad guys. You are the one character no one would see coming, but at the same time, one of the few characters of whom the readers can consider the possibility. (I apologize to Kojima-kun, but he is not exactly the brightest tool in the shed.) You, on the other hand, have oddles and oddles of potential. And the freckles do not hurt. Intelligent little boy + freckles = cuteness for the win. Just take the fact that I mangle your life as a sign of affection.
I would also like to deeply apologize for killing off your family. I did not mean to this to occur...
...Okay, that is a blatant lie, but sometimes these things just happen, you dig?
…Bad excuse, I know. Does not mean it is not true though.
But one thing I will not apologize for is the shipping of you and Haibara Ai. Nope, nada, zip, zilch, zero, not gonna happen. You two make too cute of a couple in my mind for me to feel guilty about. You are too good for Ayumi, and Haibara needs someone who is not as sarcastic and emo as she. (No offense Kudo.) Plus, I think you are the one who would best make her smile. You still have a bit of innocence and naivety about you that she has not experienced for far too long. If that does not satisfy you, I guess I can say I am sorry. (But I will not mean it.)
To Nakamori Aoko:
I have recently noticed I have this tendency to hold you at gunpoint on rooftops by Snake then throwing you off while Kid tries to save you. This is terribly remiss of me and I shall suffer to make your interactions in my stories more varied and diverse in nature. (The plunnies are suggesting death by a speeding subway car.) You are too fiery a soul to be trapped in a linear plot line.
I also pledge to attempt to portray you in happier circumstances. I make no promises because why make promises you do not intend to keep, but I shall try to write you in a more joyful limelight. (Try being the key word here.) If that fails to satisfy you, I promise to at least let you whack Kaito some more with a mop. Heaven knows he needs it.
To Hakuba Saguru:
Can I offer you apologies in advance? Because I feel like I should, the plunnies have a lot of ideas in store for you. (Like the crossovers with Danny Phantom and Inspector Gadget.) But perhaps before I extrapolate upon those, I should focus on current events. I shall try to go in order of severity.
I apologize for the shameless ogling I take of you behind closed eyes. You are the one character I feel marginally less guilty playing to my romantic whims since there is no real love interest waiting in the wings. (No offense Koizumi.) I so hate to break up possible relationships. And you are a blonde. I have this distressing tendency to fall head over heels for blondes. These factors, coupled with your rapier wit and British accent, make you bishie #1 in my daydreams.
I should also apologize for my blatant lack of formality with your person. To the rest of the world, you might be Hakuba Saguru, but to me you have always been my Guru. I realize we have yet to be properly introduced, and I have no right to be on such familiar terms, but you always pop up as Guru in my head. ('My Guru,' if you wish to be technical.) It is a good name for you, and it feels intimate. What with my slight romantic obsession with you, I cannot help myself. If we ever do meet face to face, please forgive me if I tie you up and whisk you away to my apartment for keeps. I promise there will be scones and tea. I am a mean baker with a vast tea collection and four tea sets as of November 26th. You will be properly taken care of.
I also apologize if this makes me sound like a stalker or deranged fan. This is merely an imaginary crush by a hopeful engineer with no love life but whom her family thinks has a top-secret job with the Navy. (...O.o...Still trying to figure out how that came about.) Please, do not feel frightened. You get these dark circles under your eyes when you get scared, and it really clashes with your complexion. Not that I would know or anything...
And if I ever stick you in Lyserg Diethel's short shorts, it will be because the Voices Made Me Do It. The images and parallels between your two characters in my mind are too funny to let go. But blame Icka if I ever write HaHa. That warped little idea is all hers.
To Mouri Kogoro:
I made you smarter than ninety percent of the fandom gives you credit for. I gave you a brain, acting skills, and the ability to deceive even meitanteis like Hattori Heiji and Kudo Shinichi. I wrote your love life with more bitterness and angst than your character deserves. I made you infinitely more interesting than the standard gambling drunk.
Sorry for writing you out of character.
To Mouri Ran:
...Um, sorry I killed you? Twice? Please refrain from violence. I do not think my health insurance would cover the damage you are capable of inflicting upon my person.
But other than that, I do not believe I have anything else to apologize for. Well, except for the not writing you in a greater context, but I am still waiting for the plunnies to pop out with ideas. They seem to have an obsession with Guru at this time. I apologize for the delay this affords your character. (But then again, considering the ideas my plunnies pounce upon me, this might be a good thing...)
To Kudo Shinichi:
Where should I begin? Like Hattori Heiji, I tend to make you the butt of my jokes. I apologize. You do not deserve that embarrassment, and certainly do not need any more be-little-ing comments. It must be hard enough going through life when the doorknob is taller than you. You really should not have to endure my warped sense of humor.
I seem to write you in one of two moods: insane crack or tragic angst. While that amounts to about 70% of all my writings, (the other 30% being poetry) I should try to branch out into other aspects of your character. There are many facets to a person, and you deserve to be portrayed in more than two hues. Be that as it may, I do no foresee any change in this aspect of my writing talents in the near future. The current Kudo plunnie is gnawing on the image of still terminally short you standing on the railing of a bridge, staring into the water as you speak to someone behind you about the physics of a suicide jump. (The backstory is still a bit fuzzy and convoluted, but I think it all stems from Ran throwing you out of her life after you confess. Things snowball from there.)
And on a personal side note:
I did not mean to kill Ran. I am terribly sorry about killing her twice, and shall strive to kill you instead in the future. It was a horrid mistake on my part, one which I shall never make again. Really. Honestly.
...So could you please stop showing up on my doorstep? I am afraid that one of these days my luck will not hold out and one of my neighbors or myself will drop dead. You do have a tendency to attract the homicidal element. Or at the very least, if you must stalk my apartment building, could you hang out at the apartment located right underneath mine? That is where the evil landlord lives, and it would be nice to not have to pay rent every month. Just a thought.
(O.O Back off plunnie! Shinichi cannot defeat the Black Organization by standing outside their hideout and waiting for everyone to fall down dead. No, he cannot. Cannot. Plunnie, you are not listening to me!)
To Kuroba Kaito:
I would like to apologize for killing you. It was not intentional...well, it was, but what is that phrase? You only hurt the ones you love? Killing you, and killing Kudo's girlfriend just goes to show how much I care about you two boys. (Hmm, guess this means I am only terribly fond of Heiji. Will have to change that in the future...)
But anyhoo, I am sorry that you kicked the bucket before you could pop the Question. I blame it all on the caterpillars and Brad Paisley. (That is my story, and I am sticking to it!) I promise you, you will not die in my next marriage proposal scene. As for Aoko....the plunnies make no promises. (What can I say? They are evil...) Please do not hold this against me.
As for the non-death related stories involving yourself, I would apologize for writing you out of character, but you are the Kaitou Kid. Nothing is too out of character for you! Think about it. If you had the chance to dye Guru's clothes yellow, would you? If you had the means to steal into people's computers and torment them, would you? If someone got the idea that Conan was the Kid's kid, would you do everything in your power to make the world believe this, if only to drive Tantei-kun nuts? Let me answer that: Yes, Yes, and Hell Yes. I feel infinitely less guilty about my crack writings of your character when I consider the answers to these questions.
So while I apologize for stretching the limits of your character, I do not wholly apologize for the actions themselves. Remember, nothing is impossible for the Kaitou Kid. (And yes, while I may have written that line, it does not make it any less true.)
As for the Humpty Dumpty Horror, I apologize for turning you psychotic, maybe. I am actually not quite sure what your state of mind is in that piece. Whatever it is, I know it is not sunshine and rainbows. I think the best summarization would involve curse words, but since this is a professional letter of apology, I shall refrain, much like I am refraining from contractions. Informal slang and writing styles have no business here at this point in time. As for any other literary piece...well, that is a completely different story.
Now where was I...?
Oh yes, my apology. Kuroba Kaito, aka Kaitou Kid, I hereby ask forgiveness for any liberties taken with your character. End apology.
...What? You expected more?
...Poor, deluded fool...
To Haibara Ai:
I am scouring my brain as to what I should rightly atone for in your regards. There is the pairing of you and Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko, but I make no apologies for this. If you would like a reason why, direct yourself to his apology fourth from the top.
As to the one-sided love affair with Kudo, I guess I could apologize for him not falling for you, but I have to say in my defense, that I am not the most heartfelt fan of the Shinichi/Shiho pairing. I always tend to feel guilty and sorry for Ran when I even glance of this pairing, and I think some of that belief came through in my little bit of prose. If it is any consolation, at least you were able to exact revenge. That must surely count for something.
You are one of the most difficult characters I have ever had the pleasure of writing. You would not believe how many times I have rewritten a scene because I did not feel that I had truly captured your character. Even now, I wonder if my pieces accurately reflect your persona. If I have let you down, and I think I have at times, I would like to offer my regrets. It was not my intention to do so. Your character is just so convoluted that I have trouble pinning it down in black and blue ink. Please forgive me.
But if you could make it easier on me to understand your character, that would be greatly appreciated.
To Yoshida Ayumi:
I apologize in advance for the day I stick you in a field of corpses playing tea party with the dessicated remains of the Shounen Tantei-dan's murder cases. I have not written this story yet, but the image haunts my nights and makes me giggle. It will come about one day, so I warn you in advance and hope you forgive me.
To Kojima Genta:
See Yoshida Ayumi's apology above, except replace "playing tea party with the dessicated remains of the Shounen Tantei-dan's murder cases" with "playing soccer with Mitsuhiko with Megure's decapitated smiling head".
To Sato Miwako and Takagi Wataru:
…Wait, why am I apologizing to you? I do not have any plans or plunnies involving the two of you. I have yet to even write you in passing. There is nothing for me to apologize for. So shoo, go away. This is not meant for you.
To Anyone Whom I Have Forgotten But Offended:
I apologize for [insert complaint here]. Please forgive me, and I shall strive to ensure that [insert complaint here] never happens again. (But being that I do not know the nature of [insert complaint here], you may have to suffer some repeat offenses until [insert complaint here] comes to my attention. Terribly sorry for any possible delay.)
In conclusion, I would like to offer my heartfelt regrets to all the Detective Conan/Magic Kaito characters for my antics this last year, and let them know that I plan to reflect upon my actions and strive to create less fretful situations for all above. Be that as it may, I would also like to ask for forgiveness in advance for this upcoming year because I realize as a writer, I will fall and I will make mistakes. I will more than likely kill Aoko or stick Heiji in a chicken suit. Some situations I will not be able to help myself, and mischief and mayhem will abound for all. Please find it in your hearts to put up with my deranged mutterings, and take every plotline with a grain of salt. Always remember, it could be worse. I could not be writing you at all.
Thank you for a wonderful year and here is to many happy returns.
Sincerely,
DireSphinx