(A/N: YAYUMS! Kk, this is my first one-shot of hopefully quiet a few depending how well it goes, right this one-shot contains: mindless stupidity, pointless comedy, and OOC-ness that defies the natural laws of physics, so viewer disgression is advised. Read with absolute caution at all times or prepare to depart with the land of the sane… if you haven't already left that is! )
(A/N: I do not own Naruto or anything else you read in this fic that is in fact owned by someone else.)
(A/N: Yeh mam!)
Jump In My Car
Road trips… oh joy! Usually full of hi-jinx, police pullovers followed swiftly by senseless violence, and rest stop antics that could scare away the A-Team! However they usually didn't involve Kakashi Hatake and the only three ninja to ever pass his hard-ass genin entry exam; a schizophrenic Sakura Haruno, a Narcissistic Naruto Uzumaki, and a arrogant, cocky, wise-assed, ungrateful, douching, mentally disturbed, secretly gay, Sasuke Uchiha. Yep, this damned thing was going to be one extremely uneventful journey. (A/N: OR WAS IT?!?!?!?!? –cue sketchy backing away tune-)
All four ninja were currently inside a vintage, 32nd hand, 'retro', literally one of a kind, Ford Capri, that clearly should have been written off well over a decade ago, since it had plants growing inside the rust holes, and the minor glitch of not having wind mirrors, gauges, or tail lights. They were driving along a stretch of road that would have made the Romans back off, it looked like a cross between Route: 66 and the Spaghetti Junction. Naruto (sat behind Kakashi, the driver) whom had a 6th sense for imminent danger, as it always seemed to come his way 24/7, had a incline that something wasn't quiet right. The fact that it was raining cow's dancing the maceraina, and the fields of grass turned into acres upon acres of 'Ichiraku Ramen Noodles', might have had something to do with it but the fishcake bo couldn't quiet place it. (A/N: For anyone whom just gotten confused, 'Naruto' in Japanese, is a fishcake you put on noodle meals. That is all)
"Naruto, get your hand off my thigh. NOW!" Yelled an enraged Sakura who just got the shock of her life when she felt Naruto's cold hand grace itself upon her lap. She reacted immediately and punched the Kyuubi carrier in the left cheek causing his head to bounce off the window like a tennis ball on wooden planks, waking him up with an extreme start. As his luck would have it, he was hallucinating plus the boy was not too keen on smashing his head across things, so he too decided to raise his voice an epitome.
"Oww, hey what the hell was that for, huh Sakura?" Naruto bellowed back, while massaging the newly formed, lump on his head, Sakura prepared for another round of this shouting match as Sasuke's hand covered her mouth.
"Why don't you both just shut up, you're both really getting on my nerves. I'm getting a headache," Ordered the Uchiha with his Sharingan in full flare, glaring menacingly at his teammates. Sakura nodded silently and Naruto soon went into a huff about it.
"Damn that Sasuke. It drives me insane when he acts all high and mighty like that, thinks he's soooo cool and thinks that he owns us. God damn it I want to punch him square in the face so freakin' hard. I wish Kakashi sensei would serve the car to the side so I could reach over and 'accidentally' break his freakin' jaw!" The Blonde schemed, getting his own back on the Uchiha. He looked out the window to see fields upon fields of grass gnawing sheep, eating the mid-autumn weeds that popped up around that time… bloody dandelions. The he glanced back at Sakura, the goddess herself whom had put her feet up on the drivers seat arm rest thingy to get a little sleep from this ridiculously long drive.
"Speaking of Kakashi sensei" Naruto perked while standing up slightly (as much as you can stand up in a Ford Capri). "Hey sensei, just where the hell are we heading anyway? You haven't said a word all the way and it's been over half an hour" There came no answer, Naruto then decided to prod his sensei in the shoulder repeatedly until he could hear muffled snores escaping from his mask covered mouth, the blonde came to his conclusion.
"He's asleep, awww bless. I'll bet he's drooling" He exclaimed having slits for eyes and neatly folded arms, nodding up and down over, and over again. After listening to Naruto's remark both Sasuke and Sakura went pale.
"HE'S ASLEEP?!?!?!?!" Sasuke yelled
"BUT HE'S DRIVING THE FREAKIN' CAR!?!!?!?!?!!?!" Sakura screamed, both giving Naruto panicked expressions who couldn't figure out, for the life of him, the urgency in this problem. After a few moments of careful deliberation he too, went pale. All three teens thundered:
"KAKASHI SENSEI! WAKE UP!" Kicking his chair with all there might.
Kakashi reacted (as all ninja's do) immediately by launching his head up from it's previous resting place of the steering wheel, and formed some quiet familiar hands seals.
"WHAA!? HUH, OBITO! NOOOOOO, I'LL SAVE JOUUU! LIGHTNING BLADE!" He bellowed to some random imaginary people, he obviously was having a dream, launching his only own jutsu at through the windshield of the Capri, shattering it into thousands of pieces in a almighty electrical blitz, the jutsu was passed through the air and carried up to the car ahead of them; a car with parents and three children occupying it where it promptly blew the hell up with the sheer overload of energy passing into the engine of the sedan. The sedan in question, burst into flames along the side of the road. As the Capri passed the burning pile of aluminium, all the backseat ninja went Oo at their sensei for seriously over-reacting like that, Kakashi regaining his composure, trying to maintain what ounces of dignity the situation had left him with, coughed and turned round to face his students.
"Hi!" He said, energetically, giving off his patented wave, Sasuke with his hands gripping his hair panicked like he never panicked before.
"THE ROAD SENSEI! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOD DAMNED ROAD!" He screamed cowering in fear on the left most seat, pointing at the tarmac/asphalt compound in front of them.
"Easy Sasuke, it's not like I don't know what I'm doing" Kakashi reassured the Uchiha, lazily
"Yeah well, you could have fooled me" Naruto commented
"Who can't, Naruto?" The Sharingan warrior shot back, as he swerved the car into the side barriers causing sparks to fly off the right panel doors, Naruto's face was inches away from the glass felt that 6th sense coming back again. Sakura's eyes twitched as she finally snapped.
"Hi?.. Hi?.. HI! YOU JUST KILLED FIVE PEOPLE AND ALLS YOU CAN SAY IS HI?" Sakura roared
"Umm… Hi, Sakura?" All three teens fell over anime style.
So after two rude awakenings, and a near death experience, things were finally uneventful, in fact half an hour passed without a hitch, one very long, horribly boring half hour. Naruto resorted to his MP3 where he had, Black Sabbath's 'Children Of The Grave' blasting into his ears, flinging his arms around in air guitar motions as the solo came on (A/N: Yes, I admit. I influenced Naruto's preference towards music. SO SUE ME BITCHEZZZ. Please don't sue, k? ) Sakura had been twiddling her thumbs for the best half of 30 minuets, when she finally broke her silence.
"Sensei, where exactly are we going?" The pink haired, kunoichi-in-training asked as Sasuke started snoring (yes, snoring)
"Sakura, I honestly don't know! The voices in my head said to do this otherwise they'll never tell me where they hid my skittles again," He stated in a matter-o-fact tone. "Ahh, well. Might as well put the radio on to pass the time" He suggested lazily while flicking the station guide around until he found something good… and good he bloody well did find.
"BLAA FLAGGER WHEELECOME TO KGB11.92 FM'S FLAGGA, ROCK A SCALOPPINI HOUR, WITH YOUR HOST DON VITO, FLAGAA DAMNIT BAM!" (Yes, don Vito) Bellowed a deep blabbering voice that echoed through out the car passing through the non-existent windshield. The radio host yammered on about some random crap as Naruto turned to Sakura, having his song finishing just in time to listen to Don Vito scream insensibly at them.
"Just, what the hell are we doing in Philadelphia anyway? Aren't we supposed to be living in The Land Of Fire?" Sakura 'meh'ed' and glanced over at Sasuke who was surprising still asleep, snoring away peacefully
"Wow, Sasuke even looks hot when he's asleep. I wonder if he's dreaming, about me, going out with him, making out with him, having s-" She was stopped halfway through thoughts by the author of this fic smacking her with a rolled up newspaper.
"Oi! This is a T-rated fic I'll have you know Sakura. No sex dream thoughts, OR ELSE!" The Jar Head randomly appeared in a cloud of smoke sat in the front passenger seat, with the daily mail in his hand. Shaking it violently at the kunoichi. Naruto rubbed his eyes, not believing what was happening.
"Damn it, I need to lay off that sherbert!" He spoke out loud
"Hey, if you think this is fucked up, your gonna have one hell of a fic to sit through boy" The Jar Head warned before 'poofing' out of the car again.
"Well, that was interesting?" Kakashi blinked as Anthrax's 'Mad House' boomed overhead in a serious overload of heavy metal riffs.
"IT'S A MAD HOUSE, OR SO THEY CLAIM. IT'S A MAD HOUSE, I'M INSANE" Screamed Joey Belladonna (of Anthrax, duh) thought the cars speakers, louder than any jumbo jet taking off, and Sasuke shot up from his sleep foaming at the mouth from the scary music, grabbing Sakura for dear life, shaking like a shitting dog. Kakashi turned round to apologise for the loudness as the car crossed three lanes at a sever 90 degree angle with Naruto's face plastered against his window.
The next song to play was Black Sabbath's 'Wheels Of Confusion'. As the bar chord riffs churned over, and over, and over again accompanying it's depressing lyrics which gave Naruto and his innocently, assuming mind that hell was on it's way. At the end of each verse, Kakashi shouted:
"WAS AN ILLUSION!" Matching Ozzy's vocal pattern quiet nicely, and swerving the car from side to side in rapid succession along with the entry of the legato progression fill after said verses. Sakura after the 3rd set of legato swerving felt extremely nauseous.
"Kakashi sensei, please can we stop? I really feel like I'm gonna throw up" Kakashi spun around immediately, jerking the car to somehow perform at 360 degree flip crushing some random guy on a motorbike on landing.
"NEVA!! I SHALL RRRRIDE TO ZE END OF ZE UNIVERSE. BWAAHAHAHA YOU CANNOT STOP ME YOU DAMNED HORSE, NEVA!!" The now psychotic Kakashi Hatake screamed wildly at the pink haired ninja, punching the nitro button. The exhausts of the Capri whirred into action letting out blue flame, projecting the car forward at a shocking pace. As the car reached 166mph, all 4 ninja's were embedded into their seats. Kakashi in particular seemed to be enjoying this fiasco, screaming 'Run To The Hill's' lyric's By Iron Maiden, Naruto was doubling over in side-splitting laughter and Sasuke was shouting:
"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, PLEASE KAKASHI! I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!" Kakashi slammed on the handbrake, causing the tyres to completely shred away exposing Kakashi's 'pimped-out rims, yo!' (Yes, on a motorway, or freeway, or what ever the hell you call it where your living)
After things seemed to calm down, and a lot of nerves not to mention bowels finally began relaxing. The 4 ninja continued on their road trip quiet peacefully considering Don Vito was still yelling pointless comments down his radio station microphone.
"Just what the hell is going on here?" Sasuke whispered to his teammates while biting into a KitKat Chunky
"How should I know, I've been completely lost from the start!" Naruto exclaimed
"Since when did Kakashi even own a Capri, and since when did Don Vito host a radio station, and how is Philadelphia existing since were supposed to be living in a parallel dimensional universe, and since when has Kakashi sensei listened to heavy metal?" Sakura asked
"SINCE NOW BITCHEZZZZ" The white haired nin shot at them donning his Mr. T foam Mohawk. (A/N: Don't ask… No really, don't)
"AND NOW SKALLO-FLABBGER TIME FOR DAVID HASSELHOFF'S: JUMP IN MY CAR! FLAGGABLAWR, BAM!" Vito screamed as the opening riffs blared out of the speakers.
"OMFUCKINGOD! MY FAVOURITE SONG!" Kakashi declared turning the volume up to full whack bursting all the windows out of their frames in one hellacious sound wave. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke all went Oo… again.
"Jump in my car, I wanna ta-ake you home. Mmm, jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your ow-own" Kakashi sung along with along with the radio while dancing along to the beat. Sasuke clawed at his belt buckle trying desperately to un-clip the damned thing, as Sakura screamed at the top of her voice, cupping her ears with her hands, trying to drown out the awful music.
"No thank you sir-ir" The copycat ninja sung his a high-pitched girly voice
"Ah, c'mon I'm a trustworthy guy" He shot back at him self, switching his looking position as if to imitate two people having a conversation
"No thank you sir-ir"
"Oh little girl I wouldn't tell you no lie" Naruto foamed at the mouth as Sasuke kicked the living hell out of his door in hopes that it would break
"I know your ga-ame" Kakashi sung while spinning his finger around letting the car spin wildly out of control, mowing down several pedestrians
"Your all the sa-ame"
"Ooh, she's got me there, but I'll get her yet" Sakura, panicking wildly, went to grab one of her kunai's from her pouch. Hell, even suicide had to be better than this, and Sasuke went all crazy eyed.
"AHHHHH, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN, AARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH" He screamed
"THE PAIN! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP" Naruto added, pleading for the tune to end prematurely
"And you'll arrive home nice and dry, Jump in my car, I wanna ta-ake you home. Mmm, jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your ow-own" Naruto launched his Rasengan at Sasuke's door now only to have it bounce off and smack him in the face, and Sakura used her insane strength to punch Naruto's door, her attempts in vain. Sasuke huddled up in his seat and started to cry.
As the painfully shite guitar solo began, Kakashi made air guitar motions and started having orgasms as the Capri rear ended another motor vehicle at 91 mph sending the 4 ninja high into the air. Naruto tried summoning the boss frog again in an attempt to burst the car into pieces; only to have the car expand as the frog was summoned, taking boss frog's exact shape. Until the amphibian 'poofed' back to where he came from. Sakura was slapping Sasuke across the face begging him to snap out of it. As Kakashi climaxed his orgasm, the Capri tore off again down the motorway again accompanied by 8 police cars, and a film chopper.
When the new verse was about ready to start, David Hasselhoff used his almighty 'Hoff powers' to randomly poof out of nowhere, with a leaf ninja headband tied to his forehead, and ripped the Capri's front passenger seat door completely off it's hinges. The Hoff climbed in singing the new verse along with Kakashi.
"Well maybe I will" Kakashi proclaimed in his girly voice
"Ahh that's better now, your talkin' sense" David Hasselhoff bellowed in an opera voice
"But you better keep still" Kakashi pointed at the Hoff
"Well if you like I'll just put up a fence" The Hoff countered, Sakura began randomly slitting her wrists with her handy-dandy razor blade and Naruto started beating himself to death with his sandal's, seeing no other way of escaping this hell, but to top it off Sasuke broke out screaming.
"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I ADMIT, I'M OROCHIMARU'S LITTLE SWEET THING! I GIVE IN, I'M HIS BITCH, I'M HIS BITCH!" Sasuke was pulling his cockatoo shape raven black hair out of his head in sheer panic and witness to chaos at the scene before him. Kakashi yanked the steering wheel violently to the side, lifting the car onto it's to right wheels carving a significantly deep slice out of the road. The Hoff and Kakashi went all 'Gai sensei and Lee moment' and began hugging each other went Naruto began eating bars of soap.
"Oh, no I'm not" Kakashi screamed down David ears along with the lyrics
"Well, if your not there's only one thing to say" Hoff bellowed
"And what's that?" Kakashi asked while giving The Hoff a lap dance (yes, a lap dance)
"Get out of the car, get on your way" And with that David punched Kakashi square in the face, where Kakashi kicked The Hoff in the groin but thanks to his mega 'Hoff powers' he was completely unharmed, a full scale war broke out in the front two seats leaving the car to duck and dive across both sides of the motorway, loosing what little control that Kakashi had of the Capri, colliding with an oil truck which hurled the truck into the air where it met the helicopter causing a mass explosion propelling the Capri several junctions ahead of schedule. Sasuke grabbed his teddy bear and began sucking his thumb, rocking himself gently in his seat. Sakura was screaming wildly as she couldn't take the G-force of being hurled through the air in a 5… well 4-door car at 140mph. Naruto threw up violently from the serious shift in speed. This truly was, one hell of a Ford Capri.
"But you look a mess" David shouting, noting Kakashi's 'new' hairstyle and his three black eyes (yes, three)
"But look who's talkin', you've got no right to speak" Kakashi pointed out that The Hoff had a broken nose and kunai slashes all down his right arm.
"Well I aint, Get out of my car, Get out, Get out of my car" Bellowed David Hasselhoff, kicking Kakashi's ass out of the passenger side doorframe.
As the Capri speed off at a decelerated speed with 9 police cruisers and 2 new choppers in pursuit: Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all gave out an extended
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" All three genin smashed their fists against the rear window in desperation for their sensei whom rolled out into a ditch. David Hasselhoff, who somehow just successfully completed the abduction of three ninjas, fixed up his hair, took control of his new car, and rammed a cassette into the 8track, playing 'Jump In My Car' over again, turning the volume onto full, David began screaming the lyrics like a egomaniac should.
Kakashi stood up from the grass verge in which he was left in, dusted himself off and coughed slightly.
"Damn it, that's the 3rd time I've been car jacked this month. Well, I guess the only thing left to do is." He said lazily while sticking his thumb out onto the overpass entrance hoping someone would give him a lift back to the ninja village hidden in the leaves.
(A/N: Boy howdy, that took a lot longer to type up than I expected, thanks to certain people who shall remain nameless. Kellie! Okay then. Oh wait, let me assure you this fic was not created to degrade David Hasselhoff in anyway shape or form. I think he's a complete wanker who needs to put his ego in check but it shall remain at that level. Reviews please, this is my first shot at being completely stupid and random, and reviews are greatly appreciated. Thank you people's you've been something special!)
The Jar Head