I'm Sorry
How many times did it end up this way?
Sasuke was gone, and she was left alone in the rundown apartment at the edge of the village. The walls were falling apart and the floorboards were coming up in her room. It was also close to midnight.
The only reason she was here was because she knew that it made him happy. But he was always gone. Something had changed over the past few years of their complicated marriage, and Sakura Haruno didn't like it one bit.
She was very aware that their relationship had been nothing more than an impulsive decision. She had just been so excited about it that she hadn't considered the real reason behind Sasuke's proposal. She knew of his desire to restore his clan. She just hadn't truly believed that he would have used her for that reason, taking advantage of her feelings for him like that.
But it was too late by the time she realized his true intentions.
She blamed herself. She should have known that he wasn't the same Sasuke that she grew up with after he came back to the village. Naruto had brought him back, as he promised he would, but Sakura knew that Naruto could never bring back the Sasuke she wanted. She sometimes wished that she hadn't been such a foolish child, dancing around her own feelings after he returned. She loved him forever, even when he refused to look at her, talk to her, and when he called her annoying every other day, just to remind her that she could never be good enough for him.
She stayed in the dump that she and her raven-haired husband had bought with their low pay. It wasn't that Sasuke cared about her enough to force her not to go away on missions. That wasn't the reason at all. He just told her that he would leave and she would stay at home, and that was just how their life went. The only problem was that when he didn't feel like going on missions, like he had for the past couple of weeks, they didn't have money to spend on food or their apartment, and they had to move to the poorer part of Konoha, and this rickety apartment complex.
Sakura wished that she had the courage to just leave and take a mission. She was sure that Naruto wouldn't mind, seeing as he was the Hokage now. But Sasuke would surely throw a fit if he found out that she didn't do as he asked of her. And it was more like a command anyway. She knew his demand wasn't intended to let her have a choice on the subject matter. He expected her to do what he told her, and to follow him obediently without talking back or disobeying him.
But that wasn't even the worst part of their relationship. The worst part of it was how he treated her when it came to making love. She knew it was more like casual sex, since he obviously didn't love her, but the concept was the same.
She gazed out the window at the full moon that lit up the streets and the blocks down below as she sat upright on the small bed. She couldn't go to sleep. Not when she knew that Sasuke, the man she still loved, was out on an S-rank mission. She thought that he would have been back earlier in the night, but he was late, and she was worried about him, against her better judgment.
After Itachi died, Sasuke's main purpose had ben to restore his clan, but he never brought it up, even though she knew about it. He was no longer haunted by his unquenchable desire to get revenge for his fallen clan. Nevertheless, he had chosen her to marry. She didn't know if it was because she was the only girl he'd ever been somewhat close with or because he was well aware that she was in love with him, and would do anything for him. She would die for him, but he would never share her intensity of emotions. It was obvious by the way he always kept his distance when they spoke, when they ate, when they were out with friends, and when they slept together. And she would always fake a smile for his benefit. And she would always love him, no matter what he did to her.
And she sacrificed her body to him. She laughed so that he wouldn't see her pain. She would smile so that he wouldn't know how much he was upsetting her. And it was all for his sake. Because he was the Sasuke she first fell in love with.
She wondered if he sometimes realized what he was putting her through. She hoped that one day he would talk to her, confide in her, open up to her. They were almost twenty four years old, and they'd never held a personal conversation before. Sakura had just stopped trying after noticing how he always changed the subject, or just walked away from her in annoyance.
Sakura understood how hard it was for him to attempt to live a normal life after his turbulent past, but she had hoped that in time, he would open up to her slowly. But she never realized just how much the barriers he put between them would affect her in every way… She loved him, God help her how she loved him so…She knew him and understood him more than he knew…
A knock at the door snapped her out of her thoughts and she jumped, preparing to hide how happy she was. She knew it had to be him, back from his mission at last. No one else would be knocking on her door in the middle of the night. She raced to stand behind it before flattening out her silk nightgown at her hips and stood up straight, sucking in her stomach and pushing back her shoulders. She wanted to look presentable for her stoic husband. She ruffled her hair and ran her pointer fingers under her eyes to remove any smudged make-up, and then turned the doorknob and opened the door.
As expected, Sasuke Uchiha stood before her. His shirt was torn to a few loosely hanging ribbons, and there was a long slash running diagonally across his chest. It looked like he'd gotten it a couple of days ago, but it was obvious that he didn't stop anywhere to have it cleaned and healed. She felt a stab in her heart to see him wounded, and knowing that she hadn't been there to heal him. Although she knew he probably wouldn't let her help him, even if she had been there.
He used to be kinder, but it seemed as if being married to her had only made him colder and more closed-off from the rest of the village. She used to think that she could help him because they were together, but now she knew better than that. She no longer had those childish fantasies anymore. Sasuke wasn't going to change for her, or for anyone. Maybe he'd change for himself, but she couldn't see that happening anytime in the future.
"Sasuke," she breathed, looking him up and down. Sometimes she just couldn't hide her feelings, and now was one of those times. She couldn't hide how worried she had been, or her happiness at seeing him safely back at home. "What happened to you?"
"Just an ambush," he said calmly, "Nothing I couldn't handle."
He walked into the room and made his way to the bed, kicking off his shoes and ripping the torn clothing from his upper body. Sakura noticed that one of his pants legs had a tear up the side. Sasuke pulled them off as well and headed for the dresser, pulling out a new pair and sliding them on.
"Let me heal you," Sakura said, walking over to him on the bed. She guessed that his reason for not immediately refusing was the time of the night, and the way his expression drooped, she could tell that he was tired. It looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep when he was away on his mission. She felt a pang of guilt shoot through her, and once again thought that she should be going on missions as well. She was skilled at medical ninjutsu, and could handle herself in a fight. She didn't even need anyone to assist her on missions anymore, and she'd already trained a team of new Genin a couple years back. They were now Chunin and Jônin, out of her care.
She let her green chakra flow down her arms and gather at her hands, emitting some of it at a steady rate. Sasuke, seeing her intentions, leaned back to lie down on his back as she placed her palms over the slash across his bare chest. Sakura saw his eyes close at her touch. Her chakra made her skin warm, so her fingers were never cold on any of her patients, and the level of chakra that she used was always soothing, as well as having the proper healing abilities. She wouldn't have been surprised in the slightest if Sasuke fell asleep right in front of her.
But she completed her handiwork a few minutes later, and the slash was only a pale line, which would be gone in a few days, and Sasuke's eyes opened. His onyx orbs looked up at her and he nodded his appreciation before flipping onto his side and turning away from her.
"Do you want me to get you anything?" Sakura asked, knowing that he was still awake. She saw him shake his head and she frowned. She wondered how long it'd been since he got something to eat. She doubted he had a decent meal over the past few days away from the village.
She glanced down at the only bed in the entire apartment room and noticed that Sasuke was right in the middle of it, leaving her no room to lie down and get some rest before the sun came up.
She sighed and grabbed an extra blanket off the end of the bed, laying it out on the floor beside the bed and quickly lying down to get some sleep.
"What are you doing?" Sasuke said, rolling over, and Sakura opened her eyes and looked up at him, rolled over to look at her on the floor. She was surprised, seeing as she didn't think he'd care if she slept on the floor.
"I just thought that you might want the whole bed tonight. It's kind of small anyway, and you've been on a mission for quite a few days…" She trailed off when he looked at her accusingly.
"I never said that," he stated modestly, "Get off the floor, Sakura."
So she stood, folding up the blanket again and placing it at the end of the bed. Sasuke had moved over a bit, but he was on his side, his back to her once more. There was enough room for her to squeeze in now, so she gently lifted the blanket and crawled under it, instantly feeling the Uchiha's warmth and welcoming it to protect her from the cold.
She fidgeted to get comfortable and, almost falling off, reflexively grabbed onto Sasuke's shoulder to keep herself steady. But he only grunted and moved a bit more, giving her extra room on the small bed. It creaked in detest under both of their weights moving at the same time.
"Are you alright?" she dared to ask him, wondering why he wasn't as pushy as usual.
"What?" he said with exasperation, turning his head to just barely look at her over his shoulder. And she knew he heard her question, so she decided not to repeat herself. After a second or two of silence, he continued. "I'm fine," he answered, turning his head back to its resting place on the pillow and quietly grumbling about something, probably her. Sakura mentally sighed and closed her eyes.
She reopened them when Sasuke said something else. "Why wouldn't I be?" he asked her, not turning his head this time. Sakura lifted an eyebrow and stared at the back of his head of silky jet-black hair. She knew she couldn't tell him that she thought he was usually a bit angrier than he was now. That would defeat the purpose.
"I don't know," she said, buying herself some thinking time, "You're not usually this… quiet."
That was a lie. Although he was always annoyed at something, he was never very loud or talkative. Actually, the more annoyed he was, the less he spoke with her. And to be honest, this was the longest conversation they'd had in quite a while. And that was pathetic.
He grunted a low noise and then the room fell into silence again. Sakura closed her eyes once more and found herself drifting into a peaceful sleep, just happy that Sasuke was finally home from his mission, and safely in her experienced care.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
"Sakura…"
The pink-haired kunoichi squinted in the daylight. She felt hazy, and everything was a different color. The sky was white and the buildings out the window were blue. They were smaller than they were when she went to sleep, but that didn't bother her for some reason. Sasuke stood at the foot of the bed, smiling at her. She smiled back.
This was the way it was supposed to be.
"Sakura," he said her name again, and the way he said it and the way he smiled at her made her know in her heart that he loved her as much as she loved him. But something felt wrong. Something she couldn't quite grasp or understand. Something about the whole atmosphere seemed wrong somehow. She wondered how being in love could possibly feel so wrong, but it did. Something about Sasuke was off and something about the atmosphere felt like she was… dreaming.
Her eyes snapped open. Of course it was a dream. Sasuke would never smile at her like that in reality.
But it felt so real when she was there, in her dream, and she desperately closed her eyes, wanting to go back and stay there for a little while longer. All she wanted was to see Sasuke smile at her like that, and hear the sound of her name caress his perfect lips one last time before she had to wake up.
But when she knew that sleep wasn't coming to her again, she opened her eyes and sighed, staring up at the ceiling, with its white, peeling paint and moldy splotches.
"Sakura."
Maybe she was still dreaming. Maybe she never woke up. The thought made her happy. She never wanted to wake up from that place.
"Sakura, get up. I have to leave."
She turned her head in surprise to find that Sasuke was sitting up next to her, glaring at her with those deep onyx pools that looked so sad and so familiar. Sakura blinked and then quickly got out of the bed. Sasuke followed and headed for the dresser and, having his clothes in his one hand, walked towards the bathroom. Sakura followed after him to brush her teeth and wash her face.
She didn't bother to close the door. No one could get in and the door was locked. Sasuke tossed his clothes onto the counter next to the sink before turning on the shower water and pulling off his remaining clothes. Sakura faced the mirror and noticed that her hair was disheveled and her make-up was smeared. She looked a lot older than she was with the lightly darkened circles around her eyes.
They didn't speak a single word. Sasuke stepped into the shower and closed the thin curtain and Sakura brushed her teeth, washed her face, and combed her hair. She was careful not to run the water too much, knowing that the apartment was low on warm water, and Sasuke would probably be upset if he was suddenly standing under a shower of ice water.
"Could you hand me a towel?" she heard him ask, and then the water shut off. Sakura opened the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a big towel, throwing it over the top of the shower curtain for him. When he pulled the piece of material aside, the towel was around his waist and his hair was matted down with water. Sakura noticed a patch of white bubbles were still in his hair.
"You missed a spot," she said, pointing to it. But he just pulled the towel off around his waist, ruffled it through his hair, and then put it back on. Sakura pursed her lips together. The soapy spot was no longer visible, but that didn't mean it was gone. "What's wrong?" she asked him, flattening out what she knew would become a bad hair day later on in the afternoon.
"Nothing," he replied, grabbing his clothes off the counter and walking back into the main room to put them on.
She wanted to ask him why he hated to talk to her so much, but she kept her mouth shut. She knew he wouldn't like that question. She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to keep everything from her. She wouldn't have agreed to marry him if she couldn't handle hearing the truth or listening to him when he just had something on his mind. But she remained silent because she knew Sasuke, and she knew that he wouldn't say anything to her unless he decided to do it on his own.
As she stared at her sloppy reflection in the mirror, she thought about when this all started. When Sasuke came back after the Great Ninja War was over. She remembered the first time they kissed. She couldn't help herself on the third day after his return. She ran through the rain to get to him and then she found herself losing all control. But he didn't kiss her back that day.
About three months later, they had their first affair, simply because Sakura felt the need to visit him at least twice a week, seeing as no one else but Naruto wanted to see him. She found herself drawn to go back each and every time she left his home at the Uchiha compound in the village. Soon, their meetings became regular, always at the same time on the same days of the week. They expected it, and at that time, they both needed the other and the company.
But now that a few years had gone by, the need for her in Sasuke had obviously diminished, but her need for him never faltered. She still needed him as much as she had when they were still just Squad Seven, under Kakashi Hatake. Nothing had ever changed about her feeling for the Uchiha.
When she used to approach him with her desires, he would always take her, but after time went by, he began to push her away when she made her weekly advances. And when he denied her for over a month, Sakura just stopped trying, and decided that he would be the one to decide when they would be with each other in that way. It didn't happen often, and that clearly put another strain on their relationship. But she would always accept him when he was the one to come to her with his needs. She made that promise a long time ago.
He was like her drug, and there was just no way to stop the addiction. Or withdrawals, but she never let him see her like that, and she never would, for as long as she lived. She would never show him how desperate she was when he denied her for weeks at a time, or even when he was gone on missions, and she was deprived of his company. It was never much, but she enjoyed having him beside her, even if the silence was awkward at times. It was better than facing silence alone.
Usually, she kept track of the pattern, and it was now about time for him to approach her with sexual intentions. But he had just been on a mission for three days, and she wondered if it might have thrown the pattern off. She knew he never went to anyone but her, so she knew how long he'd been deprived, and she couldn't understand how he could live in such a way. She was there, and she was there if he needed her. It was even part of the wedding vows, and yet she knew he held himself back when he could. She just didn't know the reasons why he did such a thing.
"Don't we have any food?" she heard him call to her, rummaging through the cabinets and the refrigerator. She heard him slam a drawer and she flinched, upset with herself for doing it in front of the mirror, where she could see her own weakness.
"There are a few eggs in the refrigerator," she said, poking her head out of the bathroom to look around the corner at him when she spoke. It didn't matter though, because he didn't look at her when she answered him. "I can make them for you if you want them," she added hopefully.
"No," he said, and she lowered her head. "I have to leave now anyway. I'll pick something up later."
But as he headed for the exit, Sakura felt a wave of depression crash over her. She quickly jogged out of the bathroom and came up behind him before he reached for the doorknob.
"Please," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder and slightly turning him towards her, "You don't have to leave right now. Let me make you breakfast. I wanted to check your wound anyway, so you might as well stay for a bit longer. The eggs won't take long at all, I promise. They'll be ready in five minutes."
He turned to her and frowned, but Sakura kept her expression soft so as not to push him away. Finally, he blinked as his expression changed to one of yielding. Sakura forced a smile and took his arm by the elbow, leading him back to the bed, seeing as there were no chairs in the cheap apartment room.
"You don't have to do that," he said emotionlessly.
"But I want to," Sakura replied. "You've been gone for three days, and I barely got to see you, and now you have to leave again. It's the least I can do, and if it'll keep you here for a little while longer, then I'd love to do it all the more…" She trailed off, realizing that she had said too much in that statement. She lowered her head, expecting him to leave at her stupid outburst, but she ended up standing there for a few seconds before he replied.
"I almost died two days ago," he said, almost casually. "The ambushes weren't as easy as I said they were, and I was hit with poisoned weaponry…" He paused for a moment before continuing, and Sakura looked up at him in surprise. Where was this coming from? "I thought I was going to die, but when Orochimaru prepared my body with tolerance for certain poisons, apparently this one was on the list, and I managed to fight it off and survive… But I truly believed that I was about to die at one point…"
Sakura didn't know how to respond. She didn't know what to say to something like that. He never spoke in such a way before, especially to her.
"Sakura…," he said quietly, "I don't know why, but I thought about the village. I thought about losing my home, my life… you. And now that I know that my chances of actually dying were fairly slim… I can't help but recall those thoughts."
He looked up at her and for once in a long time, their eyes locked with each other's, and it stayed that way. Sakura found herself freezing up. Was she still in her dream?
"I feel… like I've been… improper to you," he said, and Sakura had to force herself to blink before her eyes went dry.
"W-What?" she involuntarily stammered.
It was a shock to hear him speak like this. He never spoke like this, even when they were lowly Genin. The only thing she could remember that was like this was his final words to her, the night he left the village all those years ago. She felt her stomach tighten into a firm knot and stay that way, making her want to fidget where she stood.
"Sasuke, you don't have to say any of this," she said, feeling the pull to embrace him, but fighting against it. "You're important to me. I would never trade you for anything in the world."
"I know that," he said, almost reprimanding. "And that's what's wrong. I know that. I always knew that. And it took me to believe that I was about to die to realize what I've been doing. I've been… inadequate."
And then he stood, walking towards her. Sakura could tell just by the way he took the few steps between them that he wanted to satisfy his corporeal needs. And, as she always did and always would, she slid her hands past his sides and rested her hands on either side of him, waiting for him to begin.
As soon as her assumptions were confirmed when he pulled off the shirt he'd just put on, and tossed it to the floor, she began to do the same, stripping her bedtime clothing. She felt as if this time would be different. She felt like, if she did this correctly, whatever that meant, then her dream might become a reality. And she was desperate to have that happen.
She quickly tightened her grip on him after her clothes were all on the floor, pulling him as close to her as they could physically be. She expected him to lean down and kiss her, but instead, he only removed the rest of his own clothing and lifted her off the ground a few inches, tossing her onto the bed behind them, and then placing his body on top of hers. Instantly, the skin-on-skin contact made both their bodies physically react. It was simply inevitable.
She wanted him. It was true enough that it had been too long, but she always wanted him. She had an image flash through her mind of waking up later in the day and finding his face in front of hers, maybe even wearing a slight smile for her. She wanted so badly to be happy, and she felt as if she could only be happy if she was with him this time.
Sakura brought her hand up to skim the side of his cheek as she smiled up at him. She looked closely at his face before leaning her head forward, almost straining her neck, and kissing him gently on the lips. Her skin felt chilled where he wasn't touching her, and she continued to lightly push her lips into a small smile as he remained void of expression.
"Sasuke…" she breathed. His name felt right on her tongue, just as his hands felt right on her sides. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. And after a moment, he lowered his head down to kiss her in return. Sakura felt her own surprise at his generous action. He never kissed her when they did this. What in the world happened to him on his mission? Was it truly possible that he had some kind of a realization? Did he care for her now as she cared for him for all these years? Was this even reality?
"Sakura," he said softly, breaking their lips' connection for a moment to speak to her. Just his voice could send a rush of chills up and down her spine. "I… I don't want you to be… unhappy."
Sakura let out an almost hysterical laugh, but the volume was thankfully quite low. "Sasuke, I am happy," she said, taking his face in both of her small hands. "I've always been happy with you. You are everything to me. Don't you know that? I couldn't possibly be anything but happy when I'm with you."
"But you've wanted this," he replied, "And I never gave it to you."
"Wanted what, Sasuke?"
"This," he said, nuzzling her for a second before delicately kissing her again. "And this," he repeated, placing his hands on her waist and gently roaming up and down her sides with his calloused fingers. "And this," he said again, rolling them onto their sides and wrapping his arms around her. He played with her pink locks as he gently pulled her closer. Sakura almost cried at how tightly he was holding her, as if he never wanted to let her go. And if he was showing her a hidden desire that he had kept from her all these years, just like she had done to him, out of fear for the unknown.
His mouth moved down to her collarbone as he flipped them back over, taking his position on top of her. Sakura sucked in a breath, closing her eyes and just enjoying the feeling of his bare skin moving against hers. His weight on her chest made butterflies gather in her stomach, doing nothing but increasing her desire for him.
"Sasuke…" Sakura breathed again, but he cut off her next words with a whisper.
"I need you now," he said softly, and Sakura nearly cried once more.
"I'm here," she replied with a gently kiss on his cheek, his head lowered down on her shoulder. "I'm always here. I've always been here for you, Sasuke. You never have to ask. I promise."
Sakura froze for a moment when she felt him shaking. It wasn't cold in the apartment, but she wrapped her body around him to shield him from whatever was afflicting him. She felt her heart hammer in her chest. She desperately wanted whatever was making him shake to go away. She wanted to scream at the wind to leave him alone because the wind could never understand. But she held him close, wondering how this could have happened. He seemed so fragile, when she was normally the one that felt weak and vulnerable. She stroked his hair and felt him shudder, as if silently weeping.
But when he lifted his head, there were no tears. No indication of emotion, as usual. Sakura felt the need to hide back in her shell when his usual uncaring expression took its place on his face. It made her feel like nothing was different, and nothing would ever be different. It made her want to sob, but she fought it away. This had to be different. This time had to be the one that would make everything she did in her life worthwhile. She gave her life for this man already, and she so desperately wanted him to love her in return, but his unfathomable expression made her want to hide, just as she had for all these years and every moment before this one.
When they joined, it was not only a moment of physical need being fulfilled, but of more emotional closeness than she imagined was possible. They moved as one person, one mind, feeling each other's pace and rhythm. He was surprisingly and strangely gentle, pushing into her slowly at first. The friction between her thighs was causing all sorts of feelings of ecstasy to swell up inside of her. She felt as if all her years of pain could fade as long as he was in her arms.
As she became more comfortable as he quickened his pace. She could feel herself getting closer and closer to her breaking point, raking at his back with her fingernails and feeling his soft, inky black hair under her opposite hand. She gave her body to the only man that she would ever love for the umpteenth time.
They came to their climaxes together, and she thought she heard him sigh out her name, but couldn't hear over her own heavy breathing. She knew that she mouthed his name with every breath, but she hoped that he hadn't noticed.
They lay there together for a few minutes before she found her voice. "Sasuke…I love you. And I always have."
The silvery light of the dull morning coming in through the window made the room grey and dim. She watched him roll off of her and get out of the bed.
"I love you so much," she nearly cried, as he headed for the bathroom, scooping up his clothes on the floor as he walked. Something didn't feel right about the way he turned his back to her.
The bed was cold and empty without him, but he went to the bathroom and didn't come back. Sakura found herself quietly crying for a while before she got up and put on her clothes. She felt strangely betrayed, as if he had played her for a fool. But those words he spoke… Weren't they true?
Sasuke came out of the bathroom and didn't look at her. "I have to leave," he said, loudly and clearly. The sound made Sakura jump, as if the atmosphere called for silence. Clearly, the raven-haired man didn't feel the same atmosphere as she did in that moment. She had no idea how he felt, but it wasn't what she felt at all.
"Sasuke, I—!" Sakura stammered, trying to find the words to express how badly she wanted him to stay. How badly she wanted him to love her as he had only a little while ago. But she knew Sasuke Uchiha, and she knew that, however badly he wanted to, and even if he didn't, he could never love her the way she loved him.
But he was still the man that she loved. No matter how many times he hurt her, or how many times he used her and walked away, she would always be there for him. She would always stand by his side and defend him with her life. And Sakura Haruno had committed her existence to a man that could never return the amount of love she always held for him.
"I'm sorry," he said simply, reaching for the bedroom door and walking out into the kitchen, heading for the exit.
He did not come back to bid her goodbye.