10 simple things
Summary: Deeks goes undercover for LAPD one last time before becoming an agent. However, he leaves a list of tips of how to deal with Kensi in case someone comes to take his place during his time away.
1. Don't ever, under any circumstances, imply that she hits like a girl. If you do that she will proceed to prove you that that statement is only true if the girl you're referring to is a professional wrestler who can kick your butt in less than five minutes and without any kind of warning.
Very important note: This can also make you earn a very embarrassing trip to the emergency room where you'll have to explain your doctor that the person who did this much damage to your body was not a drunk guy you got into a fight with in a bar but your female partner.
2. Never use the word cute to describe how she looks. Most girls would appreciate being described like that but Kensi Blye is not most girls. Using her name and the word cute in any sentence will make you earn some kind of revenge from her and trust me when I say this; you do not want to know what her revenge feels like. Read note above for more details.
3. Never stare at her for more than one minute with a smile on your face. It doesn't make her see that you are thinking about her. It makes her think you're creepy and that you're picturing her naked. Please keep in mind that she as a loaded gun with her at all times and a very good aim. Just thinking about the place where she would probably shoot at gives me stomachaches. Also, staring at her through a mirror just makes it even creepier and will grant you a well-deserved slap in the face. And after that happens, don't imply that it didn't hurt or that she hits like a girl (re-read number 1 for more detailed explanation for that one).
4. Don't tell her she looks hot. It's better if you simply imply it by sending her a small smile or even a smirk if you're feeling extra-daring. Actually saying that she looks hot will make her mad at you. Well, not made because people don't get made. Dogs get made. People get angry. One way or another, if you do call her hot you can't say that she hit you with no reason whatsoever. That will only intensify her angriness and that will lead to that very embarrassing trip to the emergency room I told you about earlier on.
5. Avoid at all costs showing up at her place without calling ahead. She doesn't like to receive visitors in the middle of the night, something that I've learned the hardest way possible. If you can't sleep and it's 3 in the morning do not, and I repeat because you really need to understand this one for your own safety, do not drive to her house expecting her to be awake at that hour. Go for a walk in the beach, watch TV, listen to music…do anything but don't show up at her doorstep in the middle of the night without warning her first. She keeps a baseball bat near her bed and is not afraid to use it with unwanted visitors.
6. Never call her in the middle of the night. Kensi is not Callen. She needs to sleep and gets very irritably if she doesn't. If you call her in the middle of the night and wake her up for no good reason there will be hell to pay for that stunt. If you slip and call her after midnight and before 7 and she sounds sleepy when she answers the phone, you're best option is to stay in complete silence. Don't make a sound and try to make her believe your phone dialed her number by mistake. Fake snoring if you have to. Of course, the real challenge comes the day after when she asks you. That's when you need to have the balls to look her in the eye and lie to her.
7. Don't lie to her. No matter what you do, don't lie to her. Even if the situation looks bad don't resort to lying. She is a very well trained federal agent and can see a lie a mile away. If you don't want to upset her tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I can't stress this point enough because this is something she really hates. It makes her think you either don't trust her or you did something really bad. Either way, you're screwed. If she sees you're lying, run but run fast.
8. Don't run away from her. Seriously, running away from her can only make your already bad situation even worse. She will eventually catch you. Kensi is a fast runner and hiding doesn't work either because she knows every hiding spot inside this building. The only thing you are doing when you run away from her is delaying your inevitable and probably painfully punishment. It's best for you to stay very still and embrace your fate.
9. Don't ever talk about her eating habits. Kensi eats burritos for breakfast and donuts are one of her favorite things ever. She never goes a day without coffee nor without some sort of candy. Don't talk about it because the truth is that better people than you tried but none succeeded. Just accept it and give her some chocolate once in a while. Don't do it too often or she'll think you're trying to tell her she's gaining weight or something like that. Also, don't ask her for some of her candies. That only works with some people. Well, it works with two people and that's Callen and I. Anyone else who dares to touch any candy that belongs to her will suffer the consequences that inevitable come with said action.
10. Don't ever do anything that might hurt her in any way. I will explain this one a little better because I believe it's one of the most important ones. Kensi is not the kind of girl who needs protection but here's the deal. Hurt her in any way or contribute to get her hurt in any way and there will be hell to pay. If you do this, the very embarrassing trip to the hospital room is not going to be your main concern. Sam is as strong as he seems to be and is not afraid to use all that strength to cause you severe pain if you do anything to her but keeping her safe. Callen is even more over-protective than what you might think. Lay a finger on Kensi and Callen will make sure that you never have children, if you know what I mean. Now, read this part very carefully. You don't know me but I'm stronger than what I look like and I'm more over-protective when it comes to Kensi than what it looks like. If she's not exactly the way I left her when I last saw her, I'll make sure no one ever finds your body.
Well, I hope we're clear when it comes to all the rules. Just keep her safe until I get back and keep this list in mind. You should be fine for just a couple of months. Don't even think about the fact that she managed to scare away 7 partners before I came along. That will only give you awful nightmares.
Good luck, buddy…you'll need it.
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This is just something I wrote during a slightly boring afternoon. What do you think?
I'm thinking about writing Kensi's reaction to that list but only if you like this one.
Reviews are highly appreciated,
Sarah