This is just an idea I thought of after I heard the song 'Hurt' by Christina Aguilera. It's sort of a song fic but you'll understand once you've read it ;-)!

It does contain some spoilers for season 5 of 24, so be warned. All the rest are just made up by me! ;-). Hope you like it...

Kim entered her flat and threw her car keys on the table. Working at CTU again was taking its toll on her body. She turned on the lights and the clock on her microwave caught her eye… 02:30. It had been a crazy day at the office.

She sighed as she put on the kettle and turned on the television "The terrorists has been caught and we assure you that they will be brought to justice for what they've done" Kim turned the volume down and only President Wayne Palmer's picture was moving in the screen now. He looked satisfied and relieved. Kim smiled as she took off her shoes and unhooked the clip which was holding her hair together, then fell onto the couch. She figured that this was the reason she went back there. The feeling that they rid America of enemies and the innocent was protected… and she was a part of that. Yes, that was the only reason… she looked at the roof… and perhaps the fact that you get addicted to the feeling that you can make a difference in this country, definitely something that was passed on to her by her father- Jack Bauer.

She sighed again… or was she back at CTU because she felt the closest to him there? Even though there were bad memories, there were many good ones too, from when they had worked together. She sat up as the kettle went off. She forced herself to stop making excuses, "I miss him" she said. She walked to the kettle as she thought about the last time she had seen him; 8 months ago, what she had said to him "Goodbye, Dad". Was that it? Will she ever see him again? "Ow… damn it" she said out loud. She had spilled a bit of the hot water on her hand. She quickly dried it and continued to make her coffee.

She remembered how she wanted to call him the next day, to find out if she hadn't been dreaming and wanted to apologize to him but CTU beat her to it, calling to tell her that he had disappeared, possibly kidnapped by terrorists. She felt the world shatter around her like the day that Tony and Michelle showed up to tell her that he had died. She had her chance to see him again… 'back from the dead' and she wasted it. He was gone from her life again.

She took the cup and went to sit at the kitchen table. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now. She couldn't stop thinking about him… how guilty she felt. What if that WAS it? She could never forgive herself, why did she have to be so selfish?

Her phone rang. "What the-?" she asked, wondering who could be calling at this hour. "Hello?" she answered "Kim. It's Chloe. Sorry to bother you, but you won't forget the letter that you need to write for me, will you? For the file on Gary Davis. I won't be able to get to it" came Chloe's voice. Kim rolled her eyes "No, Chloe. You've asked me a hundred times and I've said I'll do it. Don't worry" Kim replied. She heard Chloe let out a breath of relief and couldn't help but smile. "Okay, thanks. Good work today" said Chloe "You don't need to compliment me, Chloe. I assure you that it will be the best letter 'you've' ever written" Kim said and took a sip of her coffee. Chloe smiled "No. I know you're a good writer, that's why I asked you. I mean it, though; you did great in today's crisis. It's good to have you back" she said "Thanks, Chloe" "See you on Wednesday?" "Yeah, see you" said Kim and they hung up. She looked at the phone and smiled. Chloe hadn't changed one bit… well, she was a little friendlier than she used to be.

Talking about writing a letter made her think of something Barry once told her. She realized thought that he was a little too serious about life and she didn't really feel anything for him… at the time she just needed a good friend and she had to admit that he wasn't her type at all. But at least their relationship didn't end up in shattered glass when she broke it off and she still called him once and again if she needed to talk. But she couldn't talk about this. She had to deal with this on her own. Barry told her that if she wanted to deal with her feelings she should try writing it on paper. He instructed her to write a letter to Chase after the break-up in which she should write down everything that she wanted him to know, even though he'd never read it. She didn't do it, because she already told Barry everything that she wanted Chase to know. But who will she tell now? She took another sip of her coffee as she stood up to get a piece of paper and a pen.

She sat down at the table again and put her cup aside. She closed her eyes as she took the pen, opened it and wrote; Dad. She sat back in the chair "This is stupid" she said as she covered her face with her hands. Then she crossed her arms, looking at the paper. She knew that she had to face her feelings somehow. She sat up again pulling the paper closer. She thought about what she was feeling right now and started to write again…

Seems like it was yesterday, when I saw your face.

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away.

She looked up. So he didn't say it out loud but she could see it in his eyes, she knew the look when he'd tell her that he was proud and she could see that he still loved her, she knew it, but she just couldn't admit to it or give him a chance to say it. At the time she felt betrayed because it felt like everyone had know that he was still alive except for her- his daughter. She was stubborn and felt angry and didn't want him to think that saying he loved her will just fix everything- so he shouldn't say it at all… how stupid she was for thinking that, because he did do it to protect her, as everyone who knew ended up dead, except for Chloe. And she never thought about how HE must've felt, out there on his own and away from all his friends and… Audrey. Surely he didn't CHOOSE for that to happen. But she wasn't thinking rationally.

She'll never forget the look on his face after they talked for the first time in 18 months and she asked him to leave. It wasn't her intention to hurt him. She just wanted him out of the room because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep all her feelings in tact any longer and she didn't want him to see her cry.

She was biting the back of her pen as the memories of that day flushed back, she continued writing…

If only I knew, what I know today. I would hold you in my arms. I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes. There's nothing I wouldn't do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won't be there.

Kim felt sad as she wrote the last sentence, 'Where could he be?' She drifted from the letter as she thought about the crazy time in her life after he 'died'. It had been a tough year for her. She and Chase broke up, she felt like she had no-one left and even thought of committing suicide, though she could never bring herself to do it. She couldn't find a job because she never felt in the mood to work anyway- for what? Until finally Miriam Henderson realized that Kim was falling into a depression and gave her Barry's number. It helped but she still felt lost and like she didn't have the courage to doing anything, because she was afraid she'd fail. It all started when Jack died. So seeing him –alive- made her angry at first because all the pain and doubt she went through could've been prevented if he just told her that he was alive- maybe then, Chase wouldn't have blamed her for not opening up to him and they wouldn't have fought so much.

But it wasn't Jack's fault. She, unfortunately, had the habit for shutting people out when she was going through a hard time, especially when it came to losing a loved one. Chase was right; she didn't open up to him, because she didn't WANT to. Talking about it would've made Jack's death so… official… and she didn't have the strength to deal with that. She wrote again…

I'm sorry for, blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, by hurting you

Kim remembered the day she first went back to CTU, she tried to forget the fact that her father used to work there and she wanted to put her feelings aside but… she couldn't, she couldn't help to feel guilty every time she glanced at the field opts. office, and working there made her miss Chase too, even though she didn't want to admit it. She was reminded every day of what she lost, but found a way to live with her mistakes. 'Would he forgive my mistakes?' she thought as she looked out the window onto the city lights.

Some days I feel broke inside, but I won't admit.

Kim sat up straight again, taking the last sip of her coffee. She couldn't admit it. She was fine, she had to be. She wanted to be stronger because she didn't want to have to go to a shrink to tell her that 'she's worth it' and how to get back on her feet. She needed to be dependable on herself. But would he think less of her if she did break down? Would he love her less if she told him how she really felt, if she was scared? Kim didn't know. She just wrote, wishing she could somehow hear a reply…

Sometimes I just wanne hide, cause it's you I miss.

And it's so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this?

Kim looked at the television again. Wayne was leaving the press now and heading back to the white house. WAS it goodbye? She won't be able to say goodbye again, not yet. 'He has to be all right. Wherever he is' she thought. She was so angry when it was revealed that President Logan was a traitor and Chloe told her that he forced Jack to fake his death while it wasn't even necessary.

Again, it was never Jack's fault. Why wouldn't she just listen? He tried to explain it to her, that he did it to protect her… but she refused to believe that. He did it to prevent her from getting hurt, but in her eyes, she still got hurt because she had thought that he was gone forever, she never tried looking past the hurt and betrayal to just hear him out. But he didn't get angry. He didn't try to convince her other wise… probably because she barely gave him a chance to. Kim bit her lip, remembering when he said that the most painful thing for him had been to walk away from her… she almost gave in to that, but was it true?

Would you tell me I was wrong. Would you help me understand. Are you looking down upon me, are you proud of who I am

Kim stopped as she slammed the pen on the table. "No, he can't be dead. He's fine, he just has to be alive" she said. She rubbed her eyes. The feelings she was suppose to write was turning into her fears… "Suppose it doesn't matter, it's just a letter" she said "Which he'll never read anyway" she added pulling her one leg up to her chest as she tried to hold back the tears that was threatening to fall. Oh how she wished that she could see him just one more time, to explain, talk… spend that one day that he requested. She swallowed as she took the pen.

There's nothing I wouldn't do. To have just one more chance. To look into your eyes, and see you looking back

Kim felt a tear trickling down her cheek and she couldn't hold back any more, she let the tears fall freely. She felt completely helpless and she needed him to know that she loved him and that she didn't blame him anymore.

I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself

A tear dropped onto the paper and distracted Kim. Her eyes felt heavy as she dried them as much as she can. Maybe if she talked to Audrey. Would she understand, was she missing him just as much? "I have to believe that he's okay and that I'll get a chance to tell him everything" Kim encouraged herself.

If I had just one more day. I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away. It's dangerous, so out of line… to try and turn back time

Kim finally dried all her tears. If only she could turn back the time, but she knew it was impossible. She took out her diary, and looked for a picture of the two of them which was taken when they both worked at CTU. She found it as she reached for a tissue too. "We actually looked happy" she said. She never thought that they would recover from losing her mom, but they did, the best they could "And now I've messed it up again" she said and glanced towards the paper. She came to the conclusion that there was nothing more she could say except… that she was sorry, and she prayed for him to be okay so that she could get the chance to tell HIM…

I'm sorry for blaming you. For everything, I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself, by hurting you

R&R pls