I DO NOT OWN DGM OR PROJECT ZERO!

Desiderium - Latin for Longing (for the dead)

AU, based on Project Zero III: the tormented

Memories are wearing thin with time

I'm like an earring without its needle

I forget, it all fades

Your voice vanishes amidst the noise of a crowd

~x~

It falls apart, I lose my grip

I'm like an earring without its needle

I forget, without a trace

Your voice becomes static

Was it... my fault?

She couldn't focus her gaze on anything, everything around her was blurry but she could almost make out the forms of people around her. Her thoughts were all just as jumbled up as they had been ever since the accident but for the first time, she was trying to sort them out... but it was hard. She didn't even hear what the people around were saying, even though everyone was trying their hardest to get her attention.

I was the only one... who survived.

The sound of earth hitting the hard surface of the wooden coffin seemed louder than any sound she had heard during her lifetime. She knew what was happening, but couldn't bring herself to react to that sound.

She hated the fact that the sun was shining brightly. It should be raining. The sky should be crying the tears that she seemed to have lost somewhere. It should be screaming, for she was unable to do so.

How long has it been?

She wasn't sure, since the last few days had all been fused together in a blurry mess in her mind. During those days she had been like a ghost, and had only spoken when she had no choice but to talk. She wasn't even sure, if she was able to form words, anymore. She wasn't sure, if she even wanted to.

... I don't want to remember. Don't make me remember...

"Lenalee..."

The voice was soft, softer than the others so far, and it pulled her out of the thoughts that were threatening to make her mad. As she looked up at Lou Fa, her and her brother's good friend who came all the way from China to Japan to meet her, she was mildly aware of something missing; her head felt lighter than it was supposed to. It was short and choppy now, because of the accident in which her long ponytails got burnt. She still wasn't used to the feeling.

Lou Fa had a soft smile on her face, as she took the other girl's hand in hers.

"Let's go inside, too."

Lenalee allowed Lou Fa to lead her inside, after she took one final glance at the newly made graves that bathed in the sunlight. She read the dates of death that were the same in all graves in that row... the date of the accident.

She tore her weary eyes from them and looked ahead of her, seeing more familiar faces smiling at her from the church's doorway, but couldn't manage a smile herself. She saw things clearly now. Too clearly.

It's all my fault.

I don't want to remember.

The drive back home from the funeral was quiet. Lou Fa was watching over her friend very closely, but didn't feel the need to bother Lenalee, who was leaning her head against the backseat, watching how the scenery changed outside. It had suddenly started raining lightly, and she found the sound of it very calming. The sun had been too bright for her and the light drizzle fit her mood perfectly and she hoped that she could cry away the pain she felt clutching at her chest.

The taxi driver hadn't uttered a word, but when he finally stopped the car near a small apartment that Lenalee immediately recognised as the one where she had been living in with her brother, he announced the amount of money they'd have to pay.

"Let's go, Lena," Lou Fa said as she paid for the taxi and proceeded to help her friend outside. Lenalee scanned the yard - it looked exactly the same, and the last time she had seen it was on the morning before the accident. Everything was left in the places she had last seen them - a shovel was leaning against the wall, where her brother had left it when he had dug a flowerbed last autumn...

She saw everything so clearly that it hurt, so she turned to look down at her feet, while following Lou Fa who was walking towards the front door. She rung the bell, making Lenalee look up again. Why did she ring the bell, while she should have a key?

"I-is someone there?" she croaked, having not used her voice in a while. Lou Fa smiled just as the door opened to reveal Bak Chan - Komui's friend from the branch where he had been working before moving to Japan - who looked worried as he glanced down at her. Nevertheless, he attempted to form a smile.

"Bak..?" Lenalee said and then managed a small smile as well - her first in what felt like years. Bak's cheeks seemed to gain a pink tint to them, but he composed himself very quickly.

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral..." he trailed off as he didn't know what else there was to say. They all fell silent, until Lou Fa gently pulled her inside the house. She then quickly took off Lenalee's wet jacket, and lead her to the living room, where Lenalee sat down on the familiar sofa, looking around. It all looked familiar, but something was missing.

Welcome home, Lenalee!

There was no one to welcome her back. She didn't hear the usual clatter that was normally constant in the house, when her brother was making more of those weird robots of his. She didn't smell the burned up food her brother would cook- and she knew that she didn't have to order a pizza, when Komui's food turned out to be unedible.

"I... I'm going to make some tea," Lou Fa said, feeling unsure for the first time as she watched Lenalee's expression gradually change. When she was about to leave the room, she turned around one last time. "Oh... welcome home, Lenalee," she said.

Lenalee looked up at her, tears welling up in her eyes, but she masked them as tears of happiness and nodded. Lou Fa disappeared, and Bak took a seat on an armchair opposite of her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm... fine," she answered, looking outside from the window, just as the doorbell rang again. Bak frowned, muttering something before he walked to the door. Lenalee listened to the door opening, and heard the rain again. The rain wasn't enough to drown Bak's surprised gasp, though.

"May I come in?" The voice was unfamiliar, but before Bak could refuse, the door was closed and Lenalee heard someone walking across the hallway behind her. The person stopped next to the sofa she was sitting on and Lenalee turned her head slightly, her eyes widening when she recognised the uniform. The rose cross on the man's chest brought in many memories that she'd gladly forget. Lou Fa peeked in from the kitchen, and the cup she had been holding almost fell to the ground.

"I am Inspector Howard Link, Miss Lee. I work for the Black Order Inc." the person said, staring down at Lenalee with an indifferent expression. Lenalee only nodded, she could tell all that with just one look. Bak returned to her side, now sitting down next to her and glaring at the younger man.

"What does Leverrier want? He's the one who sent you, isn't he?" he asked, and Link turned to face him before nodding curtly. Lenalee's body stiffened visibly, and she tried to shake off the feeling that the name Leverrier caused her.

"We have questions about the accident that happened on April the 2nd. As you are the only one who made it out that night -", Link started, but was cut off by a angry Lou Fa, who stomped the ground with her foot.

"Can't you see that this is not the time? Leave her alone, she's already told the police everything she knows," the girl said, her glasses glinting when the light reflected off of them. Lenalee felt grateful, but Link had turned to face the girl in the doorway completely.

"It's better for Miss Lee to get it over with as soon as possible. If we leave it for another day, it'll only be more painful for her," he said and Lou Fa's anger subsided visibly. "We have to know what happened."

"But... she already told everything she knows," she muttered. Lenalee looked up at her firend and shook her head with a smile. She hadn't told everything. The last time she had talked about it, she had been too hysterical, only managing a few words.

"It's okay, Lou. Better to get this over with," she said in Chinese, and with a apprehensive look towards Link, Lou Fa disappeared back into the kitchen. Link sat down on the seat that Bak had occupied before, and looked at the Chinese girl who tried to face him with her head held up high. It was harder than she thought.

"Your brother was working late that Friday, am I right?"

"Yes. He and the others... Reever, Johnny and Tapp were doing paperwork and I was there because I didn't want to be home alone... I always went to my brother's workplace after school," Lenalee answered, recalling the night of the accident, despite the fact that her brain was doing its best to stop the memories.

"Brother?"

The table was practically sagging from the amount of paper that was piled on top of it, hiding the scientist from her view. Puckering her nose indignantly, she rose from her chair and walked up to them, giving her brother and Reever a stern look.

"Yes, Lena?"

She placed her hands on the papers, so that her brother couldn't read them. "You're doing to work yourselves to death. You should rest."

Komui tugged at her ponytails gently, smiling. "I'm just about done."

Lenalee brought her hands up, touching her hair. It felt weird without the ponytails.

"They said that it wouldn't take much longer, and I went downstairs to get some coffee. I didn't have anything better to do and I wanted to help."

"Are you bored? I think Anita is still here, somewhere..."

"Johnny... he asked me to take a look at a generator that was malfunctioning and to turn it off. The maintenance hadn't checked up on it, yet and he wasn't sure if he had remembered to shut it down."

She took a short break just as Lou Fa came with the tea. She gave a cup to everyone and then sat down next to Lenalee.

"There were... a lot of people still working..."

"Did you check up on the generator?"

Lenalee cocked her head to the side, trying to remember. "I... put the coffee machine on, made a few sandwiches and... "

'...Did I check up on it? I... can't remember...'

Lenalee clutched both sides of her head, and Bak glared at the Inspector, who didn't seem to care.

"Miss Lee, did you check up on it?"

"I don't... remember. I took the coffee upstairs... But..."

She was humming to herself as she entered the kitchen again, but abruptly stopped when a cup suddenly fell from the table, crashing onto the floor and for a while she was sure that she saw a dark figure moving in the corner of the room. She looked around frantically, to see who had dropped it, but there was no one inside, and the room was rather small so there weren't a lot of hiding places - the darkness in the corner was gone, too. Sighing, she started to pick up the fragments of glass, when she thought she heard the door slamming shut behind her. Suddenly afraid, she poured the coffee into four mugs, took the sandwiches and left the kitchen. She didn't stop, until she was safely back with her brother.

Was there someone else?

"But?" It was Bak, now interested. Lenalee shook her head and said: "It's all a blur. I was hurrying upstairs for some reason..." Her voice cracked. She had talked a lot more than she had in a while and apparently her voice didn't want to work any longer. Lou Fa took a cup of tea from the table, and gave it to her.

Lenalee sipped her tea, and continued: "I didn't leave the room after that. Anita-" tears threatened to well up in her eyes again, but she swallowed them back. "-A-Anita came about an hour later and told that there was fire everywhere and... and.."

She gulped the rest of her tea in one go, as to hide her trembling voice and to give herself some time to recompose herself. Lou Fa stood up suddenly, and stomped back into the kitchen, but Lenalee saw that tears were flowing down her cheeks. Even Bak was looking away from the rest of them, his mouth in a thin line.

"That's all you remember?" Link asked softly, when Lenalee put the cup down. She looked up at him and nodded, glad that she didn't have to go over the details after that. She could remember the flames and how badly it hurt... people yelling when they realised that the escape routes had been blocked by fire and rubble, and the sight of her brother trying to reach her hand as the floor gave out underneath her... that was what eventually saved her from the explosion that killed everyone else. However, she didn't want to share it with anyone.

That pain was for her alone.

Everyone else lost their lives. She only lost her hair...

If only I'd died, too...

Howard Link stood up. "Thank you for the tea," he said, directing his words at Lou Fa, who was standing at the doorway. Her eyes were red from the crying and tears were still falling down her cheeks. Then he faced Lenalee again. "And thank you for your time, Miss Lee. I'm sorry to have bothered you for so long," he said, tilting his head slightly, but Lenalee shook her head.

"I'm sorry I wasn't of any help..."

"I couldn't have asked for more. By the way, Mr. Chan," Link said, and turned to face Bak, who looked suspicious all of a sudden. "Why are you here?"

Bak's expression didn't change as he replied: "I left Fo in charge of things for a couple of days. I have already informed the Central branch about it."

Link only nodded and soon Lenalee followed him to the door to see him off. After opening the door and taking a few steps outside, he spoke again.

" You shouldn't blame yourself, Miss Lee. It's classified, so I cannot give you any information, but you are in no way responsible for what happened."

Shocked, Lenalee watched him walk into the pouring rain, and then ran after him without bothering to put on her shoes, feeling the water soaking her socks but she didn't care. She grabbed the man's arm before he could step into the black car that was waiting for him outside the gates. He looked surprised, and had the slightest pink tint on his cheeks when the girl clung to his arm so tightly.

"I... if you should... find something out... please tell me..." she said, looking down at the ground while biting back the sobs.

A short silence, and she didn't dare to look up, until he answered with the same indifferent expression. "I will."

Later that night, after sitting in the living room with Lou Fa and Bak in silence for a few hours, Lenalee decided that it was time for her to go to bed. Lou Fa had volunteered to sleep on the floor of her room, but Lenalee insisted on her having the guest room. She should be fine for the night, and she felt like she was already troubling Lou Fa a lot. Because Lou Fa had wanted to help Lenalee, she had quit going to school and got a job, in order to maintain a steady income. The good thing was, that Lou Fa would be working while Lenalee was at school, meaning that she didn't have to spent any moment alone.

Still, she felt like se was very much alone, even though she heard Lou Fa moving in the next room while she herself was lying on her bed, staring at the roof. Alone with the pain and the guilt that was filling her every thought. She felt detached from the rest of the world...

It was not her world. Her world was gone with her brother and this time her brother would not come back.

She let out a quiet weep and buried her face into her pillow, before slowly starting to drift off to sleep... it was as if the rain was singing a lullaby.

I don't want to remember...

In her dream, it was snowing...

So, the thing is that I'm fed up with my OC story for the moment, and I really felt like writing something. Don't expect a lot of updates, though, because my original plan of writing throughout the summer was ruined when I got a summer job... I intend to continue this, though, as well as Ride The Lightning and The Terror as well.

I love Project Zero 3... And I adore Tsukiko Amano's 'Koe'.

This story will have several main characters, but I think the main three will be Allen, Lenalee and Lou Fa. I try to keep that pairings to a minimum, because I know that a lot of people don't ship Allen x Lou Fa like I do. So worry not.

Anygays, review if you really like this. Reading your reviews always make me feel more motivated. 3

See you gaiz!

~Hevimankeli (formerly 0Infinity0)

Team Infinity