Author's note:

This was written on a challenge. I have fulfilled all of the requirements. I find it hilarious, and I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. 

--Two Extra Turnblads--

Link checked his watch for the millionth time. He didn't want to be too early, but he didn't want to offend Tracy by being late. He paced and calculated the time it would take to drive to her house. About three minutes? Maybe four? It was five minutes to noon now. He decided that the combined time of walking and driving would have him on the Turnblads' doorstep at noon sharp. After one last quick look in the mirror, he trotted downstairs.

When he pulled up beside the house, he again checked his reflection and watch; 12:01. He sighed and hopped out of the car, making his way to the door. He knocked and placed his hands in his pockets. He was surprised when Tracy's mother Edna opened the door.

Oh, hello Mrs. Turnblad. I'm here to pick up Tracy? He said uncertainly, running a nervous hand over his smoothly gelled hair.

She and Wilbur will be right down. She smiled as Link blinked confusedly.

Uh-- he started, but he was interrupted by Tracy dancing down the steps behind Edna, Wilbur close behind. He smiled at the sight of his girlfriend.

Hey baby doll he said, and she kissed his cheek in greeting.

Well come on, let's not dilly dally around here too long! Mister Turnblad laughed.

Oh, uh… Link gave Tracy a confused glance.

Mom and dad are coming with us. Didn't you get my message? She raised her eyebrows in question.

Oh, no…I uh, must have missed it. Link said awkwardly. Okay, if you'll just give me a second... He dashed to his car and began to cram the fodder of his back seat into the trunk. He had only been planning on Tracy, not the whole Turnblad family. He wished Tracy had given him a little more heads up. Finally he finished, and opened the passenger side door for Tracy. When she was settled, he opened the back door.

Mrs. Turnblad he said, bowing gawkily. The suspension squeaked ominously as Edna Turnblad settled into the car behind her daughter. He snapped the door shut and scrambled around to let Mr. Turnblad in. When finally everyone was seated, Link put his seatbelt on.

So, where to? He said, trying to ignore the tilt of the car.

Oh, there's a nice little café about ten minutes from here. Tracy said helpfully.



They have outside tables, too Mister Turnblad contributed.

And they have great sandwiches Edna chimed in.

Okay, here we go than! Link started the engine, praying that the car bottom wouldn't scrape cement as he pulled away from the curb.

Link parked a ways down the street where the café sat between a bookstore and a Laundromat.

Does anyone mind a little walking? He asked. There was a chorus of no's, and Link got out to open the doors for the family. On the way Wilbur stopped at a newspaper stand to buy The Sun. They chose a table and sat, and Link tried not to stare as Edna shimmied her ample bottom into the dangerously tiny chair. A waitress with red pigtails brought them menus. Every Turnblad already knew what they wanted, and Link was left to stare at the menu for several uncomfortable moments before saying he'd have what Tracy was having.

So tell me young man, Wilbur said, turning to Link. How long have you been going with our daughter? Link thought for a moment, not quite sure.

Um, I guess about a month and a half? He looked to Tracy for confirmation.

One month, eleven days, eighteen hours. Link stared open mouthed at her.

Uh, yeah he mumbled. The waitress brought their drinks. Link sipped his soda pop, glad to have something to do while he was being interrogated.

Do you plan to spend your life with her? Link adjusted his collar.

Yes I do, sir he said after a quick glance at Tracy.

You're planning to get married?

Sure, someday Tracy answered for him.

How many kids? Link choked as he inhaled his sip of soda, and a spray of iced tea from Edna's mouth showered the table.

Wilbur she spluttered isn't it a bit soon to be talking about that? I mean, they're only teenagers after all! Internally Link agreed, but outwardly he only gawked stupidly at Tracy. Her look reminded him of the time she had slapped her booty in the detention room and turned to find him watching her.

Mr. and Mrs Turnblad--

Well why don't just call us mom and dad? Edna said sarcastically seeing as how my husband has already got you married with children!

Edna, I was just asking Wilbur said nonchalantly. Link was relieved when the waitress arrived with their sandwiches. Link stuffed the turkey sandwich roughly into his mouth, almost spitting it out again when he realized it contained onions, his least favorite thing. His arduous chewing was interrupted by a cry of disgust from Mrs. Turnblad.

Danged Democrats…What? Wilbur looked up from his paper and sat his pastrami down. Edna lifted her plate.

There's bubble gum on it! She tilted the plate and sure enough, under the edge, was stuck a large glob of pink chewing gum. Excuse me? She beckoned the waitress; the poor girl's eyes grew wide at the angry look on Edna's face. There is gum on this plate Edna offered it to miss pigtails.

I am so sorry ma'am; I'll get you a fresh plat. She trotted off into the café, Edna shaking her head. Wilbur and Tracy returned to their sandwiches, and Link took off the top piece of bread from his and began the removal of the onions. He had almost finished when the waitress returned with a gum-free plate.

Here you go ma'am she placed it on the table and turned to leave.

Wait-is this the same sandwich? The girl looked at the sandwich and nodded.

Yes, it is. Edna glared incredulously at the poor girl.

You expect me to eat a sandwich that was on the same plate with a piece of gum that someone else chewed? Do you have any idea how unsanitary that is?

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry ma'am. I'll get you a fresh sandwich made. Is there anything else you would like?

Yes, a new wife for myself. Edna gave Wilbur a hearty whack on the shoulder as the girl scampered off. Link finished his onion picking and recommenced the stuffing of his face.

I think I feel a migraine coming on… Mrs. Turnblad declared, rubbing her temples.

I don't think I've ever gotten a migraine before Link said thoughtfully through a mouthful of turkey and cheese. Edna did not look amused, and Link hid behind his napkin. The girl returned with the new sandwich.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

You have done quite enough, thank you. Miss pigtails retreated as Edna dug in.

Link's mind drifted back to the questions that Mrs. Turnblad had asked him; marriage and kids? He supposed that was what he wanted, but not for awhile. He imagined what it would be like to get married in high school. He imagined carrying his pregnant wife's books as he walked her to class. His stomach twisted uncomfortably.

Got a little gas there, son? Link hadn't realized that he had been making a face to go along with the stomach lurching. As Link opened his mouth to respond, a mayonnaise and mustard covered lettuce leaf fell from his sandwich, leaving a streak of condiments on his shirt before landing resolutely in his lap.

Aw, damn! He grabbed his napkin as he stood abruptly, bumping the table and by extension causing his and everyone else's drinks to spill. They all scrambled to get away from the wave of iced tea and soda that flowed over the surface of the table. In the midst of the hullabaloo, Edna Turnblad screamed as her spindly chair bent, sending her spread eagled to the ground. Link stumbled around the table to help Tracy and Wilbur lift Missus Turnblad from the cement. Mrs. Turnblad was red with embarrassment as her husband and daughter hauled her to her feet. She stood tall, although quite flustered. Link beckoned the waitress again, requesting towels and to-go containers for the remainder of their sandwiches. Sticky and ruffled, Link Larkin and the Turnblads walked with their containers to the car.

Outside the Turnblad residence, Wilbur let himself out of the car and opened Edna's door for her. After closing it, he poked his head into the passenger side window.

Thank you for the wonderful lunch; very entertaining. He gave Link a goofy grin.

Yes, thank you very much, Link. Mrs. Turnblad sounded somewhat less grateful. Link noticed she was rubbing her backside, grimacing as she did so.

I'm really sorry about that, missus Turnblad. Link said sincerely. After all, he had been the one to bump the table and make everyone flail away from the liquid torrent. He peered hopefully past Tracy at Edna. To his relief she gave him a smile.

It's fine. I'll just…put some ice on it. Thank you. She turned and entered the house.

Hey kiddo, why don't you take this one out for dessert? Wilbur said to Link, patting his daughter's head. Tracy turned to Link, and he smiled broadly.

If you wouldn't mind, sir.

Nah, you go ahead. Just have her home before midnight. He laughed and followed his wife into the house. Link sighed deeply.

Well, that was an adventure! Link unbuttoned his condiment stained shirt, pulling it off and throwing it in the back seat. Now in his t-shirt, he turned to Tracy.

Ice cream? He asked, grinning goofily.

I thought you'd never ask. She leaned over and kissed him.

I want to write a separate Trink fic to continue this