Get to Know Him
By Keiko Hidaka
He's going to yell at me when I walk in the door. I know what words he'll say. I know his actions. I know I will say I'm sorry for going out and drinking again. He'll turn his back on me and say nothing. And I will feel like a jerk. And I will want to make it better. I will hug him and tell him it will never happen again and that I love him... but I know that tomorrow I'll go out and drink again. And he knows I will too.
I walk along the corridors of Ju oh cho until I find our apartment. I raise my hand to knock on the door, but an odd noise makes me stop and listen. It sounds like... like... moaning? Wait. It's Hisoka's moaning.
I slowly twist the knob. Making sure not to make a noise. I only open the door a slight crack, enough to see what's happening. Watari is on top of Hisoka. Hisoka's legs are wrapped around Watari's waist and his hands are in his hair. Hisoka's eyes are closed in passion and his lips are on Watari's. I watch them move together, like they are dancing as one. Their naked bodies glistening with sweat, making seductive moans into each other's ears. I bite my lip and feel my eyes fill with tears.
I close the door. I cant bear to see them... having sex. No, they aren't just having sex. They are making love. I never had sex with Hisoka. But he'd rather do it with my best friend. And what's worse is... they are on my bed.
I walk down the hallway. I feel so confused and hurt. I need to talk to somebody. My two best friends are banging each other in the other room, so I can't talk about it to them. And I don't want to bring up romantic affairs with the Gushoshin, which would just be too weird. So I guess I'll go to Tatsumi. Sure I feel uncomfortable around him sometimes because of his... attraction to me, but I really want to talk right now.
I knock on Tatsumi's bedroom door but nobody is in there. So I go down to his office. Sometimes he stays there to research on cases late at night. I hope I'm not bothering him.
When I enter the office he looks up over the rims of his glasses and smiles.
"What's the matter, Tsuzuki?"
I'm not really sure what to say. What will he think? Will he think I was not good enough for Hisoka or Watari... that I'm not good enough for anybody? I guess that's right. Maybe I should just say I came up to talk... to keep him company. Or maybe I got hungry.
"Oh, nothing... really."
Tatsumi smiles like he believes me, but his deep blue eyes show he doesn't. "Want to sit down?" He says offering me a chair. I sit, and smile. But it all feels so fake. He looks really happy that I came to visit. I feel bad that I never really got to know him.
"Tsuzuki," he says, looking into my eyes with concern, "I know there is something your not telling me."
I use my best "I have no idea what you're talking about" smile.
"C'mon Tsuzuki, I know there is something wrong because you would never come to me to talk. You would go to Hisoka or Watari." He seems a little hurt. Now I really feel bad for not getting to know him better.
I look down. "But I can't go to them tonight."
"Why not?"
I want to scream. My whole insides are being ripped apart. Hisoka's moaning rings through my ears. This isn't fair! It's not fucking fair!
But I don't scream. I don't say anything. I just start crying.
Tatsumi gets up and wraps his arms around me. I bury my face into his blue Armani suit and sob. His arms tighten lovingly and rub my back, I wonder if he's wanted to hold me like this for a long time. I feel like such an idiot. Nobody wants me, and now I feel crummy because I came to Tatsumi as a last resort.
I suddenly feel very ackward when he snuggles against my cheek. I hope he doesn't notice my blushing...
"Tsuzuki?"
"Hm?" I mumble into his shirt. It smells like clean laundry and cigars; I didn't even know Tatsumi smoked.
"I heard you come in tonight, it's pretty late and I know Hisoka gets upset when you come home from drinking."
I just sit there. Still in his arms, I feel safe here. I wonder why Hisoka would rather sleep with Watari over me. I wonder why Watari, my best friend, would sleep with Hisoka. I wonder if Tatsumi ever wanted to sleep with me. WAIT! What did I just think? Tatsumi sleeping with ME?
Yeah right. Now he thinks I'm a jerk AND an alcoholic. "Yeah, he does get pretty upset. He says that I shouldn't drink so much because it makes me emotional when I'm drunk."
I close my eyes. I don't want to think of all the nights I came home late crying. I was so fed up with life... no... the after life. I just couldn't deal with it on my own. So I turned to drinking. But it only made things worse. Hisoka and I would get into fights. In the morning I would say sorry, but we'd be fighting all over again at night. It was a cynical cycle.
Tatsumi cups my chin in one of his hands.
Oh shit. He is NOT going to kiss me.
...
and he doesn't.
I almost want to sigh in relief when instead of kissing me he wipes the tears away with his thumb. "Know what, Tsuzuki?" I shake my head waiting for him to go on. "I always thought it was sweet when you cried. And I was jelouse that Hisoka was the one who got to comfort you when you were upset."
"Why?" I squeak out, knowing the answer.
"Because I like-" he shakes his head, "love you."
My heart clenches. I wasn't sure the attraction was THAT big. I had only suspected he had a crush on me. But then again, I didn't get to know him that well.
He looks uncomfortable because of my silence to his confession. What am I supposed to say???
I watch as he pulls away. Great. Now he's hurt and it's my entire fault because I don't know what to say!
"So, what was the problem anyway, Tsuzuki?" This is terrific. He changes the subject from his love life to my sorry ass romantic problems.
Oh well, I came here to tell him anyways, didn't I?
"When I came home I found Hisoka and Watari together, on my bed, making love." I make sure not to say "having sex" because that would just seem like it was about lust. I saw the way they were holding each other. And that was love.
Tatsumi looks sad for me. I hope he doesn't worry about me. "Don't worry, they love each other so it's okay. I'm happy for them." I smile but it feels like my face is splitting in half.
"If you're so happy, then why do you cry about it?"
"...Because I was in love with Hisoka, and now it turns out he never loved me."
"I know how you feel."
I am at a total loss of words. He DOES feel the same way I do. While I loved Hisoka but found out he never loved me, Tatsumi loved me but now he thinks I don't love him. I want to change that. I don't want him to feel the same way I do. I want to make him happy. I want to get to know him.
So I lean over the desk,
Close my eyes,
Part my lips slightly,
And kiss Tatsumi.
His mouth is soft as he kisses back. His lips open a little as his tongue slips softly into my mouth. My mind goes blank, the only thought I have is to try to change things for the better. Which means to make Tatsumi happy. I know he wants to love me. He wants to make me feel better. He wants to get rid of my loneliness.
He wants me.
My arms wrap around his neck and pull him as close as I can. It's not very close because of the desk between us so I climb on top of it and onto Tatsumi's lap. Good thing this chair can support both our weight. His tongue teases at mine as they play hide and seek in our mouths. My hands drift down over his chest where I can feel his heart racing. I break the kiss to nibble on his earlobe. I can feel him breathing onto my neck. His breath is hot and steamy and it's making me quite... excited.
I want to make him excited too.
I feel him unbuttoning my shirt and rubbing his hands over my exposed chest. I purr at him suck on his bottom lip. I can tell he likes that because I feel something hard, poking my ass from inside his pants. My hands slip down from his chest to his lower abs, then his hips. I slowly unbutton his pants and zip them down before conveniently reaching my hand inside his pants. He groans loudly as I rub and squeeze his ache.
He pulls me to the floor and suddenly it is all like a dream. Everything is moving so slowly, yet so fast. Before I know it we are naked and he is kissing me all over. I feel him inside of me. He is devirginizing me. He's taking something I wanted to save for Hisoka, but now I know it was meant for him.
As we make love he looks in my eyes. I still feel bad about Hisoka and Watari. But now I think I've received a second chance. A chance to start all over again:
With Tatsumi.
By Keiko Hidaka
He's going to yell at me when I walk in the door. I know what words he'll say. I know his actions. I know I will say I'm sorry for going out and drinking again. He'll turn his back on me and say nothing. And I will feel like a jerk. And I will want to make it better. I will hug him and tell him it will never happen again and that I love him... but I know that tomorrow I'll go out and drink again. And he knows I will too.
I walk along the corridors of Ju oh cho until I find our apartment. I raise my hand to knock on the door, but an odd noise makes me stop and listen. It sounds like... like... moaning? Wait. It's Hisoka's moaning.
I slowly twist the knob. Making sure not to make a noise. I only open the door a slight crack, enough to see what's happening. Watari is on top of Hisoka. Hisoka's legs are wrapped around Watari's waist and his hands are in his hair. Hisoka's eyes are closed in passion and his lips are on Watari's. I watch them move together, like they are dancing as one. Their naked bodies glistening with sweat, making seductive moans into each other's ears. I bite my lip and feel my eyes fill with tears.
I close the door. I cant bear to see them... having sex. No, they aren't just having sex. They are making love. I never had sex with Hisoka. But he'd rather do it with my best friend. And what's worse is... they are on my bed.
I walk down the hallway. I feel so confused and hurt. I need to talk to somebody. My two best friends are banging each other in the other room, so I can't talk about it to them. And I don't want to bring up romantic affairs with the Gushoshin, which would just be too weird. So I guess I'll go to Tatsumi. Sure I feel uncomfortable around him sometimes because of his... attraction to me, but I really want to talk right now.
I knock on Tatsumi's bedroom door but nobody is in there. So I go down to his office. Sometimes he stays there to research on cases late at night. I hope I'm not bothering him.
When I enter the office he looks up over the rims of his glasses and smiles.
"What's the matter, Tsuzuki?"
I'm not really sure what to say. What will he think? Will he think I was not good enough for Hisoka or Watari... that I'm not good enough for anybody? I guess that's right. Maybe I should just say I came up to talk... to keep him company. Or maybe I got hungry.
"Oh, nothing... really."
Tatsumi smiles like he believes me, but his deep blue eyes show he doesn't. "Want to sit down?" He says offering me a chair. I sit, and smile. But it all feels so fake. He looks really happy that I came to visit. I feel bad that I never really got to know him.
"Tsuzuki," he says, looking into my eyes with concern, "I know there is something your not telling me."
I use my best "I have no idea what you're talking about" smile.
"C'mon Tsuzuki, I know there is something wrong because you would never come to me to talk. You would go to Hisoka or Watari." He seems a little hurt. Now I really feel bad for not getting to know him better.
I look down. "But I can't go to them tonight."
"Why not?"
I want to scream. My whole insides are being ripped apart. Hisoka's moaning rings through my ears. This isn't fair! It's not fucking fair!
But I don't scream. I don't say anything. I just start crying.
Tatsumi gets up and wraps his arms around me. I bury my face into his blue Armani suit and sob. His arms tighten lovingly and rub my back, I wonder if he's wanted to hold me like this for a long time. I feel like such an idiot. Nobody wants me, and now I feel crummy because I came to Tatsumi as a last resort.
I suddenly feel very ackward when he snuggles against my cheek. I hope he doesn't notice my blushing...
"Tsuzuki?"
"Hm?" I mumble into his shirt. It smells like clean laundry and cigars; I didn't even know Tatsumi smoked.
"I heard you come in tonight, it's pretty late and I know Hisoka gets upset when you come home from drinking."
I just sit there. Still in his arms, I feel safe here. I wonder why Hisoka would rather sleep with Watari over me. I wonder why Watari, my best friend, would sleep with Hisoka. I wonder if Tatsumi ever wanted to sleep with me. WAIT! What did I just think? Tatsumi sleeping with ME?
Yeah right. Now he thinks I'm a jerk AND an alcoholic. "Yeah, he does get pretty upset. He says that I shouldn't drink so much because it makes me emotional when I'm drunk."
I close my eyes. I don't want to think of all the nights I came home late crying. I was so fed up with life... no... the after life. I just couldn't deal with it on my own. So I turned to drinking. But it only made things worse. Hisoka and I would get into fights. In the morning I would say sorry, but we'd be fighting all over again at night. It was a cynical cycle.
Tatsumi cups my chin in one of his hands.
Oh shit. He is NOT going to kiss me.
...
and he doesn't.
I almost want to sigh in relief when instead of kissing me he wipes the tears away with his thumb. "Know what, Tsuzuki?" I shake my head waiting for him to go on. "I always thought it was sweet when you cried. And I was jelouse that Hisoka was the one who got to comfort you when you were upset."
"Why?" I squeak out, knowing the answer.
"Because I like-" he shakes his head, "love you."
My heart clenches. I wasn't sure the attraction was THAT big. I had only suspected he had a crush on me. But then again, I didn't get to know him that well.
He looks uncomfortable because of my silence to his confession. What am I supposed to say???
I watch as he pulls away. Great. Now he's hurt and it's my entire fault because I don't know what to say!
"So, what was the problem anyway, Tsuzuki?" This is terrific. He changes the subject from his love life to my sorry ass romantic problems.
Oh well, I came here to tell him anyways, didn't I?
"When I came home I found Hisoka and Watari together, on my bed, making love." I make sure not to say "having sex" because that would just seem like it was about lust. I saw the way they were holding each other. And that was love.
Tatsumi looks sad for me. I hope he doesn't worry about me. "Don't worry, they love each other so it's okay. I'm happy for them." I smile but it feels like my face is splitting in half.
"If you're so happy, then why do you cry about it?"
"...Because I was in love with Hisoka, and now it turns out he never loved me."
"I know how you feel."
I am at a total loss of words. He DOES feel the same way I do. While I loved Hisoka but found out he never loved me, Tatsumi loved me but now he thinks I don't love him. I want to change that. I don't want him to feel the same way I do. I want to make him happy. I want to get to know him.
So I lean over the desk,
Close my eyes,
Part my lips slightly,
And kiss Tatsumi.
His mouth is soft as he kisses back. His lips open a little as his tongue slips softly into my mouth. My mind goes blank, the only thought I have is to try to change things for the better. Which means to make Tatsumi happy. I know he wants to love me. He wants to make me feel better. He wants to get rid of my loneliness.
He wants me.
My arms wrap around his neck and pull him as close as I can. It's not very close because of the desk between us so I climb on top of it and onto Tatsumi's lap. Good thing this chair can support both our weight. His tongue teases at mine as they play hide and seek in our mouths. My hands drift down over his chest where I can feel his heart racing. I break the kiss to nibble on his earlobe. I can feel him breathing onto my neck. His breath is hot and steamy and it's making me quite... excited.
I want to make him excited too.
I feel him unbuttoning my shirt and rubbing his hands over my exposed chest. I purr at him suck on his bottom lip. I can tell he likes that because I feel something hard, poking my ass from inside his pants. My hands slip down from his chest to his lower abs, then his hips. I slowly unbutton his pants and zip them down before conveniently reaching my hand inside his pants. He groans loudly as I rub and squeeze his ache.
He pulls me to the floor and suddenly it is all like a dream. Everything is moving so slowly, yet so fast. Before I know it we are naked and he is kissing me all over. I feel him inside of me. He is devirginizing me. He's taking something I wanted to save for Hisoka, but now I know it was meant for him.
As we make love he looks in my eyes. I still feel bad about Hisoka and Watari. But now I think I've received a second chance. A chance to start all over again:
With Tatsumi.