Hey there! I've been in the Naruto fandom for a while, but this is my first fic for it! It's an idea I've had for a while now~ This is based pretty early in the Shippuden, back then Pein is still 'leader' and Tobi is still, well…Tobi-ish. So no real spoilers! (Unless of course you haven't read/watched Shippuden, in which case I ask you why you're reading a fic about the Akatsuki. Do you WANT spoilers or something? XD)
Those waiting on my Bleach Espada camp story, fear not! Chapter 11 is on the way :) My Bleach & One Piece xover, GETSUTide, will be updated soon as well.
Warning: Crack and OOCness.
Also, I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. Naruto owns me.
The Recycling Incident.
The topic was taboo. The memory was one that lurked as a silent reminder at the back of each Akatsuki's mind every second Sunday. It was the memory of the disastrous Recycling Incident, an event of which each of them would rather release every Jinchuriki caught to date and proceed to marry Orochimaru than relive.
And it affected the best of them.
If the subject was bought up around Itachi, he's turn a nasty pale colour and request to be excused from the room, before sprinting out of the vicinity as fast as his speedy ninja legs would take him. He would be gone for a long, long time, before one of the other Akatsuki (usually Kisame) would be sent in search of him, usually finding him somewhere inappropriate, drunk of his face on sake and singing (very off-key) songs from his childhood in hopes to return to happier, pre-recycling incident times.
When mentioned around Kisame, the shark-man would crouch down incredibly low in attempt to come off as small and scarce. This was a real feat for him, yet somehow he managed to do it whenever occasion (i.e. the topic) arose.
As for Hidan and Kakuzu, well such things rarely fazed that pair. However under the circumstances, things became quite different. The former would cower in fear whilst whispering a string of prayers and promised sacrifices for Jashin-sama, while the later would be prepared to trade all the wealth he owned just to be void of the memory.
Zetsu's response to the incident was as unique as the rest of him, though perfectly plausible. The plant man would submerge into the sanctuary of the fly-eating flora that adorned his upper half and wouldn't reappear until at least the next day. As such, he was restricted to carrying out basic tasks from within his plant-like enclosure. It was, to say the least, an odd sight.
Upon mentioning the incident around Deidara, the ex stone-nin would confine himself to his quarters, where he would conjure up angry, explosive new artworks, which accompanied various plans to stop the incident from occurring ever again. As such, he held monthly meetings with other Akatsuki in which they would discuss how to prevent lightning from striking the same place twice. It was in these meetings that cooperation between the Akatsuki reached its paramount.
The seemingly simple Tobi would hide under Deidara's bed in response to the incident, and Sasori could be heard shuddering from his grave.
The one who suffered most was Pein, though it may not have been all too apparent for reasons he liked to keep to himself. However, these reasons were no secret to the rest Akatsuki; after all, they'd all been present during said incident and seen first hand how it had affected their leader. Poor guy.
And Konan, well…all she needed to do was simply look at any of the others and they would be immediately sent cowering into the nearest corner, fearing for their lives. Especially if it happened to be a certain partner of hers, as mentioned above. After all, it was between her and her dear partner that the incident had occurred…
It had begun just like any other Sunday evening in the Akatsuki lair.
"Alright everyone, tonight is recycling night!" Pein announced to the host of Akatsuki members whom were gathered before him. "I want each of you to retrieve anything from your quarters that needs to be recycled, as I have done." He indicated to a bright blue roller bin beside him, which was partially filled with old paperwork and folded cardboard boxes. It also had the signature Akatsuki cloud insignia imprinted on the lid, courtesy of his own brilliance. "Is that clear?"
The rest of the Akatsuki mumbled in affirmative and dispersed to retrieve their varying loads of recycling as Pein waited to take out the trash once it was all accumulated.
The first one back was Deidara.
"I have recycling," the young blonde man announced as he dumped a few piles of old sketches and sculptures into the bin.
Pein eyed tem oddly. "Are you sure that's recycling?"
Deidara shrugged as he wandered back to his quarters, "Either way it needs to be thrown out."
Next was Itachi, who disposed of a few sheets of old files and crumpled piece of cardboard. After this, Pein had to convince Kisame and Tobi that the later was, in fact, not a piece of recycling and therefore had no place in the recycling bin. As the two sulked off, Pein was confronted with another problem.
"Zetsu, old plants belong in the green waste. You'll need to wait until next Sunday for that."
Zetsu murmured something Pein couldn't quite catch before dumping a few empty cans of some mystery drink into the bin and disappearing to wherever it is he spends his time. After Hidan and Kakuzu deposited their versions of recycling (one of the things now in the bin seemed to be alive, but Pein wasn't game enough to check), Pein closed the lid on the now full recycling bin and proceeded to roll it outside, when he realised he had forgotten a very important member of the organisation.
"Konan," he muttered to himself, releasing his hold on the bin and heading over to his partners quarters. It didn't take long to reach; he'd been there enough times not to lose his way.
Knocking on the door he met no response, so slowly he opened it. No one was there, so Pein deduced after a quick look around the room.
She must be out, he thought to himself. Oh well. May as well do her recycling for her while I'm here.
Crossing the room, he gathered a discarded pile of paper from near the small bin before exiting his partner's quarters and disposing of her recycling in the communal Akatsuki recycling bin.
"And that's that," he said to himself as he pushed the bin out of the lair and onto the street, where he dusted his hands together and watched—a job well done—as the garbage collection came by and disposed of the Akatsuki's recycling.
…
But no. That wasn't that. Not that Pein knew. Yet at least…
It was raining outside in the night. Storming as well, should the frequent flashes, rumbles and claps of thunder and lightning suggest.
"Has anyone seen Konan?" Pein asked at around suppertime to a half listening group of Akatsuki whilst they gorged themselves on Hidan's best homemade apple pie.
"I wawun sheem 'er," Deidara said through about five and a half mouthfuls of pie.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," Hidan snapped from the kitchen, where he wore a frilly apron as he served up pie.
Deidara quickly swallowed in one magnificent gulp before repeating himself much clearer. "I haven't seen her."
"Not since breakfast, now that I think about it…" Kisame pondered.
"Maybe she's had enough of you all," Itachi suggested.
"Crap! What if she's gone missing?" panicked Kakuzu, "She's the Akatsuki's only source of boobies! Without her, our apparent gayness goes up by nearly 45%!"
However, before anyone else could panic or respond to this, a blinding flash of light erupted in the night sky, accompanied by a ground-shaking explosion of thunder. But this was nowhere near as frightening as the figure that had slammed open the front door right on cue and was now standing there, their silhouette illuminated with each lightning strike, eyes full of fury glinting in the otherwise darkness.
"Kyaaa!" a number of the Akatsuki retreated to the confinements of behind the kitchen bench.
"Alright guys…" Itachi turned to them hurriedly, "Who conjured the demon?"
Before anyone could respond, a huge gust of wind entered the house, upsetting any piece of loose, flimsy material. The 'demon' took one step into the house and then another.
"Oooh, look at all this paper!" said Tobi, seemingly unfazed by the strangers sudden arrival, but far more interested in the masses of flying paper that came along with it. "A paper demon!"
By now however, the 'demon' was halfway to the kitchen bench. It stopped suddenly, and let loose what might have been a mild war cry.
"PEEEEEEEEEEEIN!" it's shrill voice filled the hair, almost like electrified ice.
The eyes of the other Akatsuki quickly turned to said man.
"Leader…" began Kisame, "It's calling for you!"
Zetsu stood from his hiding spot and approached the stranger.
"A friend of leader?" he enquired.
Another strong gust and Zetsu went flying out a window.
"Leader…what?"
But Pein had already stood and was hurrying over to the figure.
"Konan?" he asked dumbly.
A hand quickly snapped up and slapped him in the face, sending him across the room.
"Yes. Nagato," she said dangerously quiet, the wind whipping at her soaking wet hair and swirling the slips of paper almost tornado-like around her body.
"Where have you been?"
Konan's frown deepened and the slips of paper funnelled even faster around her body. "Funny question coming from you."
"Huh? Did I do something wrong?"
If looks could kill, Pein would be a dead man if given even a fraction of the intense glare he received right now.
"'Did you do something wrong?'" Konan quoted, her apparent calmness threatening to diminish at any given moment. "Why not at all. Only THROW ME OUT WITH THE GARBAGE."
A sudden realisation dawned on Pein. "Wait…You-you mean that stack of paper was you?"
The kitchen table was suddenly sent flying. "OF COURSE IT WAS ME!"
Pein yelped and dodged a vase that was pelted his way. "How was I meant to know that, Konan? And what were you being paper for?"
"I WAS MEDITATING!"
It was now even more difficult to see in the dark room, due to slips and shreds of paper all becoming a blur as they whipped around mercilessly. Pein began to resort to desperate measures.
"W-well…at least I put you in the recycling and not the actual garbage!"
This did not help matters at all.
"IS THAT ALL I AM TO YOU, NAGATO?"
By this point, poor little Pein had practically wet his pants.
"Umm...n-no, its-"
But Pein didn't get to finish what he was saying before the apocalypse of paper struck.
It was nearly the break of dawn before the horrendous storm ended. When all ended and Konan finally retreated back to her quarters, all that seemed to exist was paper. Paper everywhere. Paper up and down the hallways, in the kitchen sink, in all the bathrooms, in the plumbing systems and more. Paper in the hair, paper in the clothing, paper in places they didn't even know they had.
When later asked, Itachi could tell you that he could find excess paper grains through his hair for weeks afterwards. And just when he thought he was free of them, more would make themselves known whenever he went to wash his hair. Deidara's hand-mouths were seemed to cough up an endless supply of paperballs, making eating difficult and sleeping infuriating.
As for Pein, he was not found until a full week later, rolled up in 564 layers of paper. He learnt a valuable lesson on that stormy dark night; that it was safer not to collect any recycling from Konan's room at all. Next time, fate may not be quite so kind.
Kris: Thanks for reading! Please leave a review. Once again, this is my first Naruto fic xD