Movie night by Lar-lar.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of its' characters.
Author's notes: I wrote this a while back, it's up over on DA but since I'm having something of a writing slump right now and Halloween is coming up? I wanted to post SOMETHING for you here so here, have a little two-parter! Movie's suggested by Dumb and Dumber or as they prefer to be called; Nick and Vicki. CRAIG TUCKER! XDD
xox
Friday night was movie night for Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak and had been for a long time now. Not that this made the whole thing any less of an ordeal every time...
"Okay Blondie," Craig began once said friend made his way back into the room with a bowl of popcorn, watching his friend carefully as he spoke, "I bought a ton of movies from work so I'm sure we can find something we both wanna watch, cool?" He continued to watch the other, a look of complete seriousness on his face masking an underlined feeling of dread – he already knew this was not going to go down well...
"S-sure, alright." Tweek replied somewhat nervously from his position on the sofa. He did not enjoy this any more than the other did, in all honesty, but there really was not much else for a couple of sixteen year olds to do on a Friday night in South Park. "What have you got?" He asked.
Craig took a deep breath that sounded almost like a sigh as he delved into the bag, unable not to smile at the first title he happened upon.
"How about the Blair Witch project?" He offered, holding up the movie to Tweek who yelped and shook his head so hard Craig thought it might actually fall off.
"Christ, no!" He exclaimed. "I heard all about that movie from Token, man! No. Way."
Craig put that on the 'maybe' pile.
Just because he could.
"I don't suppose you'd be interested in Texas chainsaw massacre either then, huh?" He held up that title next, Tweek's eyes widening in panic and causing Craig to roll his own and toss that movie aside as well.
Only one more horror film to try now, he thought, might as well
"Saw?" He asked, not even bothering to show his friend the case this time, barely even looking up, placing it straight on the 'no way' pile. There goes my last chance for some gratuitous violence...
"Please tell me you have something that isn't a horror film in there, Craig?" He asked, nervously pulling at the tassels of the sofa cushion he was hugging to his chest.
Craig could not help but smile at that.
"Sure I do." He reassured his friend, rifling through his bag again. "How about Batman?" The blonde shook his head immediately.
"The villains in those movies are worse than horror film characters," he said, frowning, "and they make no sense. I mean, why would a penguin have a top hat? It's crazy!" The brunette blinked, not sure what to say to that – he supposed that was a little odd...
"Okay, Spiderman?" He offered, Tweek shaking his head again.
"Getting bitten by radio-active spiders? Swinging through cities from near-invisible strands of silk? Wearing tights?" He made a face. "Next." Craig shrugged and tried again.
"X-men?" This did not even earn a shake of the head. "Tights again, right?" He asked, only half joking.
"That and the battle of life and death and all those weird powers that could kill you in the blink of an eye..." Craig said nothing.
If the actual choosing of a movie was an ordeal that made the watching of whatever happened to win round one of the evening's proceedings far from enjoyable, at least Tweek made it amusing with his reasons why certain movies were just not suitable.
"Fine, what about a classic..." He dug through his bag once more, knowing he had some good, if slightly dated, titles in there someplace. "Clash of the Titans?" The blonde's eyes went wide again.
"Gods fighting Gods? Statues coming to life and trying to EAT people?! What are you, crazy?!" Craig frowned, those were some of the biggest reasons why he liked the film but...
"That's a no then..." He muttered, before holding up next title, "the Goonies?" A confused frown greeted him this time when he looked up.
"That's that one where those kids are looking for the treasure without telling their parents where they're going in those under-ground caves with no escape and those mafia-type bad guys chasing them and they nearly drown, right?"
Craig put the movie aside with the others.
"Jaws?" He asked, stifling a laugh because if Tweek hated one thing more than 'scary movies' it was sharks.
"No." Was all he said but that was more than Craig really needed as he tossed that one aside too.
He was starting to find a new found reason for liking his job at the video store – this would cost him a fortune otherwise
"Die hard 2?" He offered up next, Tweek folding his arms, cushion now abandoned with the threat of horror films removed, and frowned at the slightly older teen who still sat on the floor.
"You know how I feel about sequels, man." Craig pointed at him, finally an argument he might be able to win!
"Raiders of the lost ark was a sequel to Temple of doom." He pointed out smugly, that expression faulting slightly, however, at the slight smile forming on the other's lips.
"Yeah, and a prequel to the last crusade." He informed the other. "Trilogies don't count." Craig narrowed his eyes, tossed the movie aside and flipped the blonde off.
In that order.
"Nerd." He muttered, causing the slight smile to become a chuckle at what was, in effect, an admission that the blonde had won this round.
"You can talk." Tweek countered, getting flipped off a second time for his troubles.
"Alright, trilogies then." Craig spoke out-loud as he returned to his steadily emptying bag. "I have trilogies How about... Lord of the Rings?" Not even he was sure he wanted to watch those movies but if it would keep Tweek happy he was willing to put up with it.
Just this once.
"Got anything less..." He frowned again, trying to thing of the right words, "...long?" Craig sniggered.
"We have Star wars?" The blonde shook his head again.
"All those laser give me a head ache, they can't be good for you, man."
Craig did not even dignify that reason with a response.
"Pirates of the Caribbean?" He tried next, the last of his trilogies, the reaction that got him both surprising him and not.
"They have even weirder... things in it than the Batman films! I swear these film makers all take drugs or something, man! There is no WAY a healthy mind could come up with these things!"
Craig threw those aside, too.
"Christ! This is impossible..." He half-muttered, half snapped as he pulled out his next offering, wincing a little himself at the idea of watching any of those particular movies but holding it up for the other anyway. "Harry Potter?" Tweek made a face.
"All that black magic and stuff – way too dangerous." Craig blinked.
"It's not real, you know that, right?" He asked, this time the blonde was the one who simply blinked and Craig shook his head, tossing the movie aside with a sigh. "Never mind... Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy?" The next title offered up straight away, maybe that way Tweek would not have time to think up a reason for...
"Any movies that have the Earth destroyed in the first ten minutes should not be seen by anyone. Ever."
So much for that plan...
"You know Tweek," Craig began, a thought hitting him suddenly, "for someone who hates almost every single movie for one reason or another, you seem to know a hell of a lot about what happens in 'em all." Tweek looked over to his friend.
"I read the reviews in the papers," he explained, as if that was something everyone did, "all of them. Every day. Just in case."
Craig thought about asking 'just in case of what?' but decided he did not want to know.
"Ah, this one isn't scary at all!" He announced triumphantly, clutching the second to last title in both hands for a moment. "E.T.?" Again, a wide-eyed look of near horror met him.
"Not scary?! Are you crazy?!" He asked, as if he was truly starting to believe 'crazy' was exactly what the other was.
"What?" The other asked, on the verge of giving up at this point. If E.T. was scary, what hope was there for anything anymore...
"Aliens, man! Government conspiracies and messed up families and... And the frogs! They were gonna cut up those frogs! That's so wrong." Craig sighed.
"You have serious issues, Blondie. SERIOUS issues." Tweek blinked.
"I-I do?" He asked, as if this was news to him.
Craig wished there was a near-by wall for him to bash his head against – he thought that might cause less of a headache...
"Last one, man." He held up the final title, not daring to look up himself this time, simply calling out the name. "Spirited away?"
Prepare to be rejected in three...two...one...
"No way, that movie? It's like a bad acid trip." He paused for a moment, then added; "I'd imagine, anyways."
"Good Tweek, it's an ANIMATION! It's FINE!"
"That means nothing! Animation can be scary!" He protested. "Your parents ever make you watch Alice in Wonderland when you were a kid?!"
"God, you are fucking hopeless..."
"Fine then," he snapped, pulling himself up from the sofa, "maybe we can try some of my movies now?" Craig narrowed his eyes again, pulling himself up too, leaving the pile of rejected movies where they were because, quite honestly, he would be happy if he never saw another movie as long as he lived, despite his so-called 'best friends' newly announced plan of action.
"I am NOT watching Goldmember again, man." He warned, falling into the sofa with a sigh. "That movie sucked the first time. And the second time and however many times you've made me watch it since so just... no." Tweek made a face at the other.
"Aw, but I like it, it's funny!" This time, it was Craig gaping wide-eyed at his friend.
"They totally ripped off Bond, man!" He exclaimed loudly. "Some things are sacred! You just do inot/i laugh at them. It is NOT. COOL. End of story." Tweek rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest and attempting to look annoyed.
"And you think I'm difficult..." Craig cut him off.
"You ARE difficult." He informed, some-what smugly.
"I am not! I just don't like being reminded of murders and rapists and witches and diseases and killer THINGS when I watch a movie, that's all!"
Every week, the same argument, what was the point...
"But what else IS there?!" Craig yelled, frustrated beyond words now, the two of them simply glaring at each other for a moment before both sighed; Craig slumping back into the sofa and Tweek moving to join him at the opposite end, reaching for the remote and flipping through the TV channels before stopping and turning to his friend who, bowl of popcorn safely in his lap, turned to meet the blonde's gaze.
"Discovery channel?" He asked, trying to hide a smile at the pointlessness of the previous almost hour's worth of arguing.
"Fine," the brunette relented, smiling ever so slightly himself for a second before stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth to hide the fact, "whatever."
Every week...