A/N: Yes, I got distracted yet again by the latest episode so my other fic is on hold for this little one shot diversion. This one is for MioneAlterEgo, who, when I put forth the idea of a pre "The Debt" fic encouraged me with: "WRITE IT. MEL. DO THIS." I couldn't ask for a better partner in crime. That grew to a scene after the episode as well and then she also beta read for me too! And my writing is much better thanks to her! This takes place before and after 3x10 and assumes that the episode's events happened the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, which was when the episode (conveniently) aired. Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear what you thought!
Late on Friday afternoon Deeks was surprised to return to OSP to find the bullpen empty. After lunch he'd been downtown turning in paperwork and completing the arduous monthly check-in LAPD required. After enduring thirty minutes of thinly veiled contempt from his boss he'd left the downtown office, not able to ignore how just departing the building he used to think of as home made him feel lighter. He didn't really want to admit what that meant, that putting distance between himself and the LAPD was actually a relief. Not wanting to think about it further he returned to NCIS and a vacant set of desks. He remembered quickly that Kensi was running an errand for Hetty since she'd texted him an hour earlier after he'd checked in with her as he left LAPD.
Curious, Deeks glanced up at Ops, seeing the doors closed and the shutters slanted shut. He climbed the stairs to the second floor and breezed through the doors, slightly confused to see what looked like a mission briefing underway. Thinking it might be something he shouldn't be involved in he began to back away until Callen motioned him forward.
"No, come on in, Deeks. This concerns you."
Knitting his eyebrows together, Deeks looked around the room. It was an instinctive thing, to look for Kensi. It was an unconscious response for him to find her even though he tried to tell himself if was just because they were partners. It was more efficient if they stood together during briefings so they could make decisions quickly. At least that was what he told himself.
Still a little puzzled, Deeks thought for a moment, then grinned. "Is this about Kensi's birthday? Because I already have this great idea. I know she's not a fan of Disneyland but I think that's a gross injustice that needs to be fixed-"
"This isn't about Kensi's birthday, Deeks."
Deeks looked from person to person, seeing the serious set of Callen's eyes, the tension in Sam's shoulders and the uncomfortable glance Eric and Nell shared. He left his final glance for Hetty, finding their supervisor looking typically in control, relaxed, and giving away nothing.
"Ok, then what's this about? And why isn't Kensi here to hear about it?"
"Mr. Deeks, there is a mole in the LAPD."
He wished that his first response was moral outrage. A few years ago it might have been exactly that. But he'd been burned enough times and too deeply to muster up a defense. And being on the other side, working with NCIS, it had separated him and he'd started to see things different. He'd started to see the LAPD different. Things he wouldn't have been able to believe were things he was reluctantly able to accept. He nodded tiredly at Hetty's statement, gesturing for her to continue. Hetty glanced at Nell, who took over.
"A month ago a crate of twenty bricks of RDX-10 explosives was stolen while on a transport from China Lake. The responsible party was unknown until a week ago when LAPD got wind that Clarence Fisk is trying to sell RDX explosives to a white supremacist group."
Deeks watched as Nell continued, pulling up pictures of the explosives, the mangled transport the RDX had been stolen from, and photos of Clarence Fisk. Recognition dawned instantly at the face on the screen.
"Mr. Deeks, you are familiar with Clarence Fisk?" Hetty asked, taking a step closer to him. He rubbed a hand over his jaw and nodded.
"Yeah, he's a South Central gang banger, wanted for over a dozen murders. My boss, Lieutenant Bates, has been after him for years. He's the head of a task force at LAPD concerned with hunting him down. They haven't been able to make anything stick." Deeks glanced back at Hetty, his eyes narrowing as he connected the dots. "And you think that's because there's a mole at the LAPD."
Hetty nodded at his statement and he took a deep breath, shoving his hands in his front pockets and wishing he could offer up a defense for his fellow officers. Truth was, he had been separate for them for so long that he was no longer certain that loyalty was unquestionably deserved.
"So we're getting involved because of the stolen military weapons. But what does this have to do with catching the LAPD mole? Isn't that their problem?"
Deeks was well aware that he was resolutely separating himself from the LAPD and associating his loyalties with NCIS. But every day it was becoming harder and harder to pretend his place was anywhere but NCIS. Knowing where and with whom his loyalties were, he frowned and pushed on.
"And I still don't see why this doesn't involve Kensi."
"We need to get the RDX back and figuring out who the mole is will be the fastest way to do that. LAPD had been ineffective at catching their mole so we're going to do it for them. We need LAPD to take you back so you can investigate from the inside," Callen said, turning to face Deeks. Deeks shrugged.
"Why don't I just spend a couple days there and do some poking around?"
Callen shook his head. "It needs to look more permanent than that. They need to believe your loyalties aren't with us anymore."
Impatient to know the endgame, Deeks turned to Hetty. "Ok, how are we going to do that?"
"The LAPD task force hunting Clarence Fisk has gotten word about a sale planned for next Tuesday. I just got off the phone with Lieutenant Bates and we will be assisting with the surveillance," Hetty replied, gesturing to the screens where Eric brought up aerial views and photographs of Dodger Stadium.
"I'm sure Bates was thrilled about that," Deeks grinned, thinking of his caustic boss.
"Technically we have jurisdiction. It's a gift that we're even allowing LAPD to be involved." Sam pointed out. Deeks nodded, still knowing how the interference would have rubbed Bates the wrong way.
Callen took over, gesturing to points on the screens in turn. "Sam and I will be stationed here to photograph the exchange. You and Kensi will be here. We'll have an undercover NCIS agent portraying one of the Aryan group members here. Another undercover NCIS agent will be jogging by and they'll get into an altercation. Deeks, that will be your cue to break it up. The Aryan undercover agent will look as though he's reaching for a gun and you'll shoot him. It'll turn out he was unarmed."
Deeks nodded slowly, finally understanding. "And LAPD will have to follow procedure and investigate me, probably pulling me back in the meantime."
"Your gunshots will probably also result in spooking Fisk and the Aryans, compromising the sale, which should further piss off Lieutenant Bates," Sam observed. Deeks chuckled wryly, shaking his head.
"That's just great. The guy already hates me. This should push him over the edge."
"Under normal circumstance I would fight to keep you at NCIS during the internal affairs investigation that will inevitably follow. But in order to give you the opportunity to find the mole I will meet with Lieutenant Bates but not object to his inevitable demand to cut ties with us."
Deeks meet Hetty's knowing eyes with his, recognizing the undercurrent of her words. She didn't want him to feel abandoned and while he appreciated the sentiment, surviving the rejection, while it would be a ruse, was something he was used to. He smiled at Hetty in understanding and she nodded once in silent communication.
"What happens after LAPD takes me back?"
"You'll ask to be put on the Clarence Fisk case. Lieutenant Bates will probably deny your request, at least until he knows your ties with NCIS are severed."
Puzzled, Deeks cocked his head to the side, wondering how Bates would be convinced of where his loyalties were. "Bates doesn't trust me on a good day. Never has. How do you expect him to suddenly believe I can work on his team?"
As he looked around the room Deeks read the discomfort in Nell's and Eric's faces and the resolved glance Sam and Callen exchanged. But it was Hetty's voice, always measured with careful words, that really caught his attention. It was weighted with a tinge of regret he wasn't used to hearing from her.
"I expect that Lieutenant Bates will verify your break with NCIS with your partner. Ms. Blye will need to convince him that you have indeed cut all ties. In order to do that-"
"She needs to think it's happened for real," Deeks finished, his voice tired as a hollow feeling settled in his chest. Hetty wanted them all to keep Kensi in the dark. She wanted him to lie to Kensi.
Ops was silent as Deeks met Hetty's silent stare with his own steady gaze. He knew he should object on operational grounds but it was the moral and personal objections that he had to work to suppress. More than anything lying to Kensi was something he'd never wanted to do.
He knew he was good at lying. Occasionally that worked in his favor and when it meant he could catch criminals it was something he was proud of. But being good at lying and lying to Kensi were two things he'd never wanted associated.
Sighing, Deeks ran a hand through already disheveled hair. "I think she should know. Kensi can play this part. I don't think you're giving her enough credit."
Deeks didn't miss the skeptical look Callen and Sam exchanged. Hetty looked over her shoulder at Callen, who immediately straightened and gestured for the others to leave the room, leaving Deeks alone with Hetty.
The room was quiet for a few moments while Deeks waited for Hetty to speak. He respected her opinion, but he didn't want to lie to his partner purely as the easiest solution to the problem. It needed to be the only solution that would work. And he wasn't convinced that it was.
"Ms. Blye is a skilled undercover operative. But Lieutenant Bates was an Army Intelligence Officer and he is well versed in interrogation techniques. I doubt I will even be able to convince him completely, which is why he will check with your partner. Losing you as her partner will affect Ms. Blye deeply. She won't be able to hide her feelings about this and she will convincingly back up your cover story."
He tried not to be distracted by how Hetty might have concluded losing him would cause Kensi distress. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask, to have confirmation of what he could only hope for. But that desire was outweighed by the almost desperate fear that followed at what manipulating Kensi during this undercover assignment could do to damage their tenuous connection.
"Only because she'll think it's real. Hetty, I don't want to lie to my partner," Deeks insisted.
"You have before."
"I've held things back. I haven't told her the truth about everything. I've even misdirected her. But since we became partners I've never lied to her. And I don't want to start now," Deeks replied, unable to keep the unhappiness from his voice. A part of him knew it was a fine line between trust and mistrust, that the undercover made operational sense, and that he shouldn't be objecting based on not wanting to lie to his partner. But Deeks also knew it wasn't as simple as that. Kensi was his friend, a person he respected, and a woman he admired. He didn't want to cheapen the carefully fought-for trust they'd formed.
"She will understand why you did what you had to," Hetty replied, her voice measured. Deeks sighed again, knowing he really didn't have a choice. And he shook his head regretfully, knowing he had to give in.
"She may understand. Doesn't mean she'll forgive me."
Deeks wasn't comforted by the silence that followed his quiet words. He didn't have to lift his head to look at Hetty to know she wouldn't offer up an easy but empty retort. There was a good chance that while Kensi might understand his lying to her that this undercover assignment could break something much more fundamental between them.
Even thought Deeks had never been in the military, in the last year and a half working with NCIS he'd learned something about loyalty. It had come from watching the easy and trusting camaraderie between Callen and Sam, and how one always knew where the other was. It had come with knowing that while Hetty didn't always tell them everything she knew, she did tell them what they needed to know and protected them from the rest. It had come with seeing the quick and easy interplay between Nell and Eric and how they vacillated between friendly competition and seamless efficiency as if they were one person. And it had come with knowing he would look over his shoulder at any time and always find Kensi there, and how when he entered a room where she was it was her face and her eyes that he first sought out.
A part of loyalty was knowing where his duty was. And Deeks had come to realize that while he still had duty and loyalty to the LAPD, the pull of Kensi and NCIS had become stronger. And this assignment was twofold. He had a duty to do what Hetty asked because it was for something that constituted a benefit to the greater good. Catching dangerous criminals who were selling military weapons to a domestic terrorist group was logically more important than not betraying Kensi's trust. But his instinctive loyalty to Kensi objected strenuously. He thought it was a mark of his time spent with NCIS that he didn't reject Hetty's plan and outright refuse to play his part.
Just a few years ago he would have done just that, allowed his emotions to dictate a mission. It had gotten him into plenty of trouble with his bosses and fellow police officers and had made him something of an outcast. Being the wild card made it easy not to fit in, to not make the connections that made people count on you. But in the last few years he'd become more focused on what needed to be done and the sacrifices that had to be made in order to complete a mission successfully. It was the influence of working with NCIS and understanding how loyalty and duty were at times hand-in-hand and uneasy enemies that made him slowly nod, agreeing even though there was a worried part of him that feared the reaction of his mercurial partner.
"I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I was protecting you."
"You were protecting me?"
"Us."
"Us?"
"Our thing-"
"Whoa. So there is a thing?"
The day after his "firing" and subsequent re-hiring Deeks entered OSP nervously, carrying a box of donuts for the team, a bag specifically filled with the two kinds of donuts he knew Kensi preferred, and a carrier bearing coffee he knew Kensi had a soft spot for.
He frowned as he passed Kensi's desk, seeing it empty of her bag or any sign of her presence. Callen and Sam threw him general morning greetings as he passed around the box of donuts. Checking his watch, Deeks was puzzled that Kensi hadn't arrived. He was known for being late. But Kensi arriving late was not at all a usual occurrence. Pulling his phone from his bag, Deeks was scrolling to Kensi's name to call her when Hetty's voice behind him stopped him.
"Ms. Blye won't be in today, Mr. Deeks."
Trying to ignore the fearful beating of his heart, Deeks turned to Hetty and tried to keep his voice even. "Is she okay? She didn't text me and she does if she isn't going to come in."
Deeks didn't add that she almost never texted him that she wasn't coming in because Kensi never missed work. She was never sick and taking vacation days was a foreign concept to her.
Hetty paused before answering and Deeks knew with disappointed certainty that while Kensi might be perfectly safe, their boss couldn't assure him that she was perfectly okay.
"She is fine. Ms. Blye asked to take the day off and with the Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow and paperwork backlog today I saw no reason she shouldn't take the time."
Deeks could only nod, even as his stomach swirled with regret. He knew Kensi wasn't fine. Every fear he'd had about breaking her trust had been confirmed in the course of the ruse that had played out the previous day. Even at the end of the day when Kensi welcomed him back and he tripped all over his own words in an attempt not to answer her pointed questions about his refusal to work with another female partner, even then he'd sensed things were different between them.
The game had changed. The playing field was different and the pieces were unexpectedly reshuffled. Even though it had been for a good cause, had resulted in a successful mission, and even though he knew Kensi could understand he'd been an unwilling participant in the larger scheme, he'd sensed the widening chasm forming between them. Crossing that chasm had seemed like an impossible task the previous day. And he'd taken the easy out, pushing it off to the next day and thinking he could placate Kensi with coffee and charm her into submission. But without her there, all he could think was that the separation between them was growing and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
The day passed slowly as Deeks worked through paperwork and tried his hardest not to be distracted by Kensi's empty chair. But the previous day came back to haunt him in half thoughts and fits of uncomfortable memories. Late in the afternoon when Hetty announced they could leave early to celebrate Thanksgiving he'd packed up and left as quickly as possible, turning down the invitation of drinks from Callen and Sam and trying to ignore the concern in their eyes.
Even though it was cold and rainy he went to the beach, letting the cold water shock his system as he fought the rough waves of the tide. An hour of surfing left him exhausted and feeling wrung out. Returning home, his gut churned with worry over Kensi. He was selfish enough to acknowledge that his worry was in part about how she was dealing with the fallout of the previous day's mission, but it was in larger part about how she was feeling about him. Although they didn't have the easiest of friendships and partnerships it terrified him to think about what he might have lost.
Even knowing that, he wasn't strong enough to come out and face that conversation with Kensi. Instead he texted her, asking her to check in and just let him know she was okay. Her two word response-I'm fine-told him everything he needed to know and what he most feared. She wasn't and they weren't.
Deeks knew he should be patient, should allow Kensi the space to deal with whatever she was feeling. But he wasn't a patient man. And he certainly couldn't be patient when it came to Kensi.
After showering he got in his car, driving to Kensi's apartment to find it dark and quiet. Frustrated at being shut out-he couldn't even attempt to make amends while she avoided him-Deeks returned to his apartment and spent a fitful night's sleep thinking about the day before and the barely contained naked hurt he'd seen in Kensi's eyes locked on his in his rearview mirror.
Thanksgiving morning Deeks checked his phone and found no messages or calls from Kensi. Needing a distraction he surfed for a few hours, then headed to the homeless shelter and soup kitchen where he spent most of his holidays giving a hand and serving food.
He was greeted with friendly waves and welcoming hugs and for a few hours it was almost possible to forget about Kensi. But then it was too easy to remember how he'd brought her there the previous Christmas when she'd been emotionally raw after the Talbot case and how she'd smiled through her painful memories. The sadness had gradually left her eyes and by the end of the night her smile hadn't been forced. And that soft light in her eyes as she'd thanked him for bringing her with him had made his heart skip an irregular beat.
The previous week before Tuesday's mission they'd talked about serving Thanksgiving dinner together at the homeless shelter. He'd been awed that Kensi wanted to come. Not that she wanted to help, but that she was enthusiastic about sharing her holiday, even if it was under the guise of doing volunteer work, with him. They'd made tentative plans for that day but Deeks wasn't at all surprised that Kensi had decided not to show.
So when he returned to the serving table after a short break to find Kensi serving mashed potatoes and yams, he couldn't quite hide his startled surprise as he came to an abrupt stop. She ignored him as he regrouped and approached her side and he couldn't quite push down the twin feelings of guilt and anger. Kensi had a right to be angry, he knew that. But even though he'd gone along with Hetty's plan, it hadn't been because he wanted to. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Kensi he was protecting her and protecting them.
She refused to turn and look at him and Deeks watched her quietly as he tied an apron on, donning gloves to serve vegetables and stuffing. They worked side-by-side for almost an hour as Deeks tried to get a read on Kensi. She was open and friendly as she served food, trading smiles and greetings with people. But her refusal to spare him a glance told him she was still upset with him.
During a lull in the flow of people in line Deeks finally couldn't take it anymore and he turned to face Kensi. "Where were you yesterday?"
The words came out a little more hurt and accusatory than he'd been aiming for. Neither he nor Kensi were used to being beholden to anyone. And he hadn't really thought he was. But he couldn't ignore the bruising ache that had settled over his heart in the past day over how Kensi was shutting him out. It was becoming impossible to deny that he felt beholden to Kensi and that he expected the same from her, whether or not she'd willingly given him that rightful possession of her.
Kensi took a deep breath before she turned to face him, her eyes a blank mask as she looked him square in the eye. And it angered him, seeing that careful control dominating her dark eyes. He wanted her sad, angry, hurt, happy, or whatever emotions she was really feeling. Those he could deal with, they could deal with. But near indifference was a much more difficult obstacle.
"I was out of town."
"Out of town. Where?"
Deeks pressed further, not wanting to allow Kensi to ignore him. She paused for a moment, apprehension tightening her mouth. Something in his eyes seemed to sway her and she closed her eyes briefly for a second, that mask pulled firmly back into place.
"San Diego. My father is buried there."
That threw him. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. Maybe that she'd gone somewhere to be alone and think. Maybe that she'd gone hiking in the mountains, found a quiet spot in the desert, spent her day fixing a motorcycle or even holed up at a day spa to relax. But Deeks knew enough, even though it was very little, to know that Kensi's father meant everything to her.
Feeling a little lost as he tried to understand what Kensi was going through, what his undercover mission and his lying to Kensi had done to make her retreat to a painful loss from her teenage years, Deeks immediately grew more concerned.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Deeks reached out to lay a comforting hand on Kensi's shoulder, feeling the delicate collarbone under his palm, feeling the quick straightening and tightening of her shoulder as she reared back from him. Her eyes narrowed and full with anger that almost made him wince, she lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Are you seriously asking me if I'm okay?" she hissed. Feeling unsettled and out of his element in handling an angry and possibly emotionally distraught Kensi Blye, he tried to backpedal.
"No, I'm course not. Wait, yes, I am." Deeks paused, lost at the unhappy furrow of Kensi's eyebrows and wanting nothing more than to have never gotten involved in the ruse that had caused him to lie to his partner.
"I can't believe you're asking me that," Kensi muttered, rolling her eyes as she angrily scrapped the last bit of mashed potatoes from her serving dish onto a waiting plate. Before he could respond one of the other volunteers approached and asked if Kensi could help with beginning to wash dishes in the kitchen.
Deeks watched her go, his frustration mounting with each step she took away from him. He couldn't find the right words to try and reach her and each attempt felt like failure. Catching the attention of one of the other volunteers Deeks asked him to take over serving food and then he purposefully headed towards the kitchen. He found Kensi alone in the kitchen, filling the industrial sized sink with hot water and soap.
Kensi spared him a withering glance as he stood at her side, unwilling to be ignored. She shook her head tiredly as she began to drop dishes and utensils into the steaming water.
"It's just so ironically fitting that you don't get it. You didn't want to talk about us when you were 'fired'," Kensi emphasized the word with an exaggerated emphasis of tone. "And now all you want to do is talk about it."
Kensi turned away from him, beginning to scrub at a large serving tray in the soapy water, her movements jerky and her hair falling from her ponytail in loose tendrils.
"I don't even really get to be mad at you! I tried being mad at Hetty but that isn't even completely fair because she made the right call. Someone needed to be kept in the dark and I was the logical choice. I can't fault her decisions because they were right," Kensi spat out, keeping her gaze on the stubbornly stained serving dish.
"But you are mad at me."
Deeks spoke quietly, trying to coax Kensi out. Even if she was angry at him, as much as her fury might scare him, it was something. She whirled to face him, sloshing soapy water over the edge of the sink.
"Yes, I'm mad at you! You lied to me. You misled me, you let me feel abandoned and alone. And when I tried to talk to you, you shut me down and couldn't get away fast enough." Kensi's voice started out angry and full of outraged fire and trailed off to something quietly hurt and a little broken. He tried to swallow past the thick lump in his throat, wishing there was a way to make it better.
He remembered standing opposite Kensi in the bullpen, seeing her dark eyes filled with shock and pain she failed to tuck away and hide. Her slightly desperate attempts to come up with ways for him to stay, while they'd been pointless, had made him feel wanted in a way he had never felt before. No one had ever even put up the pretense of wanting him around. But she'd stood her ground, trying to fight for him to stay. Her quiet admission that she had something she wanted to say, the thrill he felt at somehow knowing it was something he longed to hear immediately followed by the crushing realization that he couldn't allow her to tell him.
He'd picked up the box of his belongings and had held it like a shield in front of his body just so he wouldn't reach for her. And he'd had to cast his glance everywhere but at her, letting his eyes never settle on one spot too long otherwise he might have broken his precarious hold on control. The words that almost made him groan, never had they sounded more weak and clichéd-I'll call you-followed by her incredulous gaze.
Kensi looked at him sadly, shaking her head. "And the funny part is that even while I want to be mad about all that, I know you didn't have a choice. And I know, even without Hetty explaining it to me, that you didn't want to do it. You probably even argued against it. It leaves me with this anger that I don't know what to do with."
She turned back to the sink then, shaking her head in weary frustration. Deeks stood at her side, watching quietly as Kensi washed dishes, her movements methodical as she went back to ignoring him. He didn't want her to be angry with him; a part of him even felt he didn't fully deserve it. But there was the much larger part, haunted by the shine of tears in her dark eyes, that felt he deserved every painful word or glance she might direct towards him.
"Be mad at me." Deeks insisted quietly, earning him a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head. Catching her elbow with his hand he turned her towards him slightly, increasing the insistence in his voice. "Really. If you need to be mad at someone, be mad at me."
Kensi studied him curiously, her eyebrows lifting with surprise at his earnest expression. The hurt anger that had colored her eyes and had seemed to permeate her every movement melted into a softening of her mouth as she shook her head.
"No, it's okay, Deeks. I can be mad at the situation but it's not your fault, not really."
Worried that she might return to the casual indifference he couldn't bear he pressed on. "But we used you. Hetty used what she knew about us, about our partnership, to manipulate you. And I went along with it. I didn't want to. But if you need to take your anger out on someone, take it out on me."
Kensi turned away from him, facing the sink again and he watched her cautiously, waiting for whatever physical blow she might direct his way. He watched her carefully, seeing her lips quirk up just slightly in a smile that instantly worried him as he wondered what she might have planned for him. He tensed and looked for the sign of a muscle moving to telegraph where he might expect her to hit since a physical blow was what he anticipated. Which was why he was surprised when she turned and hit him square in the chest with a stream of warm water from the nozzle hose of the kitchen sink.
She turned the water off after a few seconds but the gush was long enough to soak through his shirt and cascade down to his jeans, soaking through both layers. Deeks was shocked for a second until he lifted his eyes to Kensi's, finding her eyes dancing with barely contained laughter.
It was the expression on her face, the anger gone and replaced with gentle affection and teasing, that lifted the weight from his chest. They couldn't talk about a lot of things. But they could get past this.
"Consider that me taking my anger out on you. We're even."
He knew he should leave it at that, simply nod and accept the gift of her acceptance. But he was suddenly reluctant to let the matter drop. For reasons he couldn't name he wanted to push further, wanted to nudge at that line that Kensi had so cautiously been skirting up against two days ago. It probably wasn't his smartest move but no one had ever accused him of being all that smart. Especially when it came to his partner.
And there was a juvenile part of him that couldn't help but enjoy the outrage that filled Kensi's eyes and how her jaw dropped in surprise as he quickly reached for the faucet nozzle, turning the water on and soaking her front, the water splashing up to douse her hair.
At his chuckling she turned narrowed eyes to him and Deeks felt momentarily concerned that perhaps he'd gone too far. As she reached again for the nozzle he caught her wrist in his hand, forcing the direction of the spray away from him. The movement pulled her against him and her responding forceful yank brought the nozzle between their bodies, the warm water streaming down and covering both of them.
The struggle was full of the kind of playful push and pull they didn't usually indulge in. They occasionally trained together in the gym. But he'd shied away from playful wrestling with Kensi just based on the possibility that feeling her warm curves under his hands when he tackled her or she struggled against him might make him react uncontrollably. But this time Kensi wasn't really trying to physically fight him and she allowed him to circle her with his arms, pinning her in place against him. Her laughter rang loudly and unforced in his ear and he grinned in response, hugging her tight and lifting her from the ground easily.
She rubbed against him, testing the binding of his arms around her, her movements causing her wet clothing to scrape and catch on his. He tightened his arms, feeling where Kensi's hands were trapped against his chest, the nozzle hose held between them though the flow of water had stopped. Gentling his movements, Kensi stilled in response, her breaths fast and quiet next to his ear. He listened to the sound for a minute and closed his eyes to take in the symphony of her breathing and the pounding of his heart.
Deeks turned his head towards her, letting his lips brush against her ear, her quick intake of breath causing an unbidden smirk to lift his lips. "Truce?"
Kensi nodded quickly, her head bobbing and her chin hitting his shoulder. He loosened his hold on her only minutely, letting his hands drift to her waist and then lifting her to sit on the counter next to the sink. She held up her hands as a kind of surrender and she replaced the nozzle back in the faucet of the sink.
His smile turned from mischievous to heated as Kensi surveyed the dampness of her clothes, pulling her long v-neck shirt away from her chest with a slight suctioning noise. She shook her head, water falling in heavy drops from her hair and all he could do was stare at how her shirt fell back and formed a perfect outline of every curve and line of her body.
Kensi finally raised her eyes to his, a rueful smile on her face. The playful expression shifted quickly at whatever she saw in his eyes and she blushed, the color flashing over her cheeks. She studied him quietly and he didn't bother trying to hide whatever his blatant stare was probably telling her. It felt too good to have her close to him, to have her not furious at him.
"Was it easy to lie to me?"
Kensi's quiet question didn't really surprise him. He knew it was one of the first things he would wonder, had their positions been reversed. But he was careful in responding, wanting to be truthful with her and knowing that every movement and touch had to be something she would believe.
"It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And the last thing I ever wanted to do."
Kensi seemed confused by this, her head tilted to the side as she studied him. "Why?"
Deeks thought for a moment, reasoning that he could give her an easy answer that while true, wouldn't really communicate why lying to her was so difficult for him. The truthful answer was more than he really wanted to reveal, and wasn't even truth he could completely acknowledge himself. But after everything they'd been through the crazy part of him that occasionally leapt without thinking reacted before he had a chance to think twice.
Shifting a step over towards her Deeks stepped between Kensi's legs, keeping a respectable distance while also crowding her with his arms on either side of her hips on the counter. He leaned close to her, his eyes following the slow slide of a drop of water as it ran down her neck to disappear into the collar of her wet shirt.
He kept his head bowed a little and rubbed his cheek against hers, smiling at how her hands automatically went to his biceps, her long fingers squeezing gently. The straightening of her spine told him that her response startled even her but instead of drifting away her hands stayed there, fingers rubbing against the wet cotton of his shirt. Without lifting his head he raised his eyes to hers and drank in her wide pupils.
"Because of this."
Before Kensi could question him further he ignored the cautious whispering in the back of his mind and eliminated the last few inches of space between their lips. His instinct had been to pour all the emotions and the things he couldn't verbalize into the kiss. But Kensi's surprised gasp, the tightening of one hand on his arm while the other went to his waist and squeezed, and the supple bend of her lithe body against him scattered every organized thought he might have had.
There was something about mice and men and best laid plans teasing the back of his mind but Deeks pushed the thoughts away, concentrating solely on the feel of Kensi's warmth against him. Her lips slid languidly over his, her breath hot as she exhaled shakily before she pressed forward again, claiming his mouth with hers. He couldn't control his racing and disbelieving heart as he kissed her back, unable to quite comprehend that kissing his beautiful partner and friend was even better than anything his overactive imagination had ever conjured up.
Questing fingers seemed to act of their own accord as his hand stole up and under her shirt to caress the smooth expanse of her spine. She arched under his touch and his name, whispered in a low and needy voice against his lips seemingly broke the spell between them. As if both realizing what they were doing and how many different lines of propriety, friendship, and partnership they might be crossing they froze, still in a tight and intimate embrace.
Deeks was at a loss about what to do. He'd wanted to communicate to Kensi the warring struggle of his emotions for her. He should have known kissing her would only complicate things further. And it was impossible to deny how good and right it felt to hold her close and kiss her. His only real regret was that it couldn't continue.
With that that he pulled back slowly, Kensi's hands dropping from him. It would have been easier to just retreat all the way, turn and walk away from her. Easier but infinitely more damaging.
Kensi finally looked at him, her lips lifting to a cautious smile. "You know, I heard Lieutenant Bates when he said he thought you had a place at NCIS."
Deeks nodded. "I think he was right. It's where I belong."
"He also said you're still one of his," Kensi replied worriedly, biting her lower lip between her teeth. Deeks smiled softly, recognizing her worry for what it was. She didn't want a repeat of what had happened two days before. She was worried about losing him.
"Well, he was wrong about that. I might still be LAPD but there's only one place my loyalties are and only one person I belong to."
Deeks kept his voice soft, a convincing murmur she could only barely hear. Kensi's face relaxed and her pleased smile was genuine and bright, the sparkling in her eyes telling him she understood. They couldn't give each other more than that, not right then.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
He couldn't really say the words, couldn't even really physically express to her what he was feeling even though he'd come close. But he did belong to her. And there wasn't anything the LAPD, or NCIS for that matter, could do about it. Some things just were.
And that was enough. For now.
END