Ray Kowalski tucked the tiny hand under the fold in the pale yellow blanket dotted with baby giraffes and waddling ducklings. The baby opened her mouth in a quiet yawn and Ray brushed a thumb pad tenderly down her small face. He had the most precious thing in the world cuddled securely in a warm embrace. She was so small, having arrived eight weeks early, and came into the world weighing just over four pounds. A miniscule tube ran into the petite infant's nose, providing necessary nutrients enabling her survival. Her small head was covered with a creamy yellow and pastel pink hand-knitted stocking cap, hiding the few wisps of sandy colored hair. Ray's conflicting emotions played on his face as his smile was replaced with a frown only to be tugged into a smile again as the baby yawned and squirmed.
Ray tried not to look at the other occupant of the room. He wanted to, but the terrible stillness, the corpse-like pallor… Ray blinked, and focused on the baby.
"It's okay, sweetheart," he whispered and tucked her hand back under the blanket. A tear slipped down his cheek as the baby wrapped her tiny fingers around his pinky. She held on tight, so tight… God, she was fierce. 'A daughter. My daughter. Jesus.' Ray shifted in the wooden rocking chair, careful of the many tubes and monitors connected to the infant he held so carefully in his arms. He settled back in the chair and began rocking back and forth, soothing not only the baby, but trying to settle his own frazzled nerves. A tiny squeak interrupted his thoughts before they could linger too far. He soothed his baby girl, running a fingertip gently over her brow.
There was a soft rap on the hospital door. Ray glared across the room, furious. He had asked the nurses… no, pleaded… for no visitors until he was ready. What were they doing here already? Yeah, he knew it was almost time for the nurses to take his baby back to the NICU but he wasn't ready to let her go, even knowing it's what she needed in order to survive.
When he saw the ghost standing in the doorway, he went cold with fear.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he hissed.
Bob smiled, wanly, and tapped the door with a look of concentration. "Look? I've been practicing."
"Practicing what?" Ray ground out.
"Knocking. I came to see my family."
"You're not getting them." Ray swallowed and pulled his daughter protectively towards his chest. His mouth went dry with fright. He glanced at the occupant of the bed, then back to his daughter. "I know you don't mean any harm," he said, his voice tight, almost pleading, "but go away."
The old man remained in the doorway, fiddling with his Stetson and looking dejected. Ray bit his lower lip. Despite his anger, despite his fear, his heart ached for the man who would never get to hold his granddaughter.
"May I see her?" Bob's request was so quiet that Ray had to strain to make out the words. The ghost edged into the room, as if unsure what to expect from the blond rocking slowly in the chair.
"You can't take her."
"I just want to see her."
Ray shuddered, it's not like he could stop him if he wanted. "Alright." It wasn't Bob's fault he was dead, after all. And it wasn't Bob's fault that Ray was scared of ghosts. 'He's her Grandfather. Of course he can see her.' Ray tried to give him a warm smile, but it froze on his face. He peeled back the yellow flannel blanket with the giraffes and ducklings to reveal his daughter's tiny face. Her forehead wrinkled and she closed her eyes closed tightly against the intruding light, letting out a small squeak in protest. Ray couldn't help but smile.
Bob knelt down beside the wooden rocker to get a closer view of the baby in Ray's arms. "She's so small. Is she…" Bob seemed afraid to finish his sentence. He hesitated and continued, "Will she be okay?" His voice was full of emotion as he choked on the escaping words.
Ray tucked the blanket back under his daughter's chin and rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "She's perfect. Absolutely perfect. Just needs a little extra help right now because she's so tiny."
Bob nodded wordlessly, relief momentarily washing over his features. He inhaled sharply and glanced at the occupied bed in the room. "And Benton?"
Benton. 'God. Ben.' Ray looked at him, and felt a surge of fear well up in him again. Despite the regularity of the machineries' noises, the hiss and blip and drip, Ben seemed… well… dead. Even deader than the ghost in the room, if he told the truth.
Jesus. If he'd only move, Ray wouldn't feel so sick with fear. He felt like he was sitting in the morgue.
"He's struggling," Ray forced the words past the lump in his throat. "The doctors can't…" He stumbled over his words, and scrubbed a hand down his tired face. His voice cracked as he continued. "They can't get his pain under control." Or his blood pressure. Or his breathing. He glanced at his daughter, cradled securely in his arms. "The uh… the surgery was hard on him. They thought they were going to lose him." He blinked hard and whispered, "they still might." Ray scratched his stubbled jaw and sobbed out a small laugh. "But you know Ben… so stubborn."
"Have faith, Benton's strong. And yes, quite stubborn." Bob ghosted a finger down the baby's tiny cheek. "Has he held her yet?"
Had he held her? God, Ben hadn't even seen her yet. Ray closed his eyes tightly against the memories of the last thirty hours. "He uh…" Ray stopped to compose himself. "No," was his quiet reply. "I know it's really selfish of me, but I don't want anyone else to hold her before Ben can." Ray shrugged and pulled the baby closer to his chest. "Sure the nurses have all held her, but I won't let anyone else. My mom's gonna be flying in from Arizona and she keeps telling me, 'I can't wait to scoop up that bundle of joy' and I know it's going to break her heart but… I." Ray fought back the emotions. "Not until Ben holds her. And I… I don't know when that's going to be."
"She's a mother, she will understand." Bob stood up and gave Ray a warm smile. "I need to go let Caroline know we have a granddaughter. Look after them both for me, won't you? I just needed to make sure they both made it back."
"I'm sorry I… you know… reacted like I did when you got here." He looked down, abashed. "I thought you had come to, you know… help them… uh… " Ray didn't want to say it. "Pass on to the other side.
"No, my dear boy. Quite the contrary."
Ray nodded, slightly confused. "You'll be back, right? She's gonna want to get to know her Grandpa."
Bob smiled proudly. "You can count on it."
Ray leaned his head against the cushioned back of the rocking chair and closed his eyes wearily. The baby squirmed in his arms and he pulled her closer to his chest.
"Mister Kowalski," the young night nurse touched his shoulder lightly, so not to startle the new father. "I need take your baby girl back to the NICU nursery for a short time. You are welcome to sit with her if you like."
Ray was torn. He didn't want to leave either Ben or his daughter. "Um, would it okay if I stay here with Ben? I don't want him to wake up and be alone. But, you'll get me right away if she needs me?" Ray asked wearily.
"Absolutely, in a heartbeat," she assured him before she held her hands out for the baby. "Do we have a name yet?"
Ray carefully handed his daughter over to the young nurse and helped arrange the monitors for transporting before answering. "Chloe. Ben wanted to name her Chloe."
"Well, I will bring Miss Chloe back to you in about an hour." She gave Ray's arm a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sure it will be no time at all before we can move her in here with the two of you. But until we get Mister Fraser out of the woods and more stable, we need to keep his room open and clear in case of an emergency." Ray nodded in understanding. "Ben's nurse will be stopping by in a few minutes to check him over." She looked Ray over quickly. "Can I get you anything? Some food, coffee?"
"No. I'm okay, but thank you." Ray moved to the side of Ben's bed and turned quickly towards the nurse. "Actually, I would like some coffee. And is there a vending machine where I can get some M&M's?"
"How about I get little Chloe here settled and I will bring you both myself."
Relieved he didn't have to leave Ben, Ray thanked the young nurse.
True to her word, the nurse returned shortly with a large steaming cup of the best coffee Ray had smelled in a long time. He was eternally grateful for her kindness. He pulled the rocking chair close to Ben's bed and sank into its soft cushions. The constant blips on the heart monitor and the drips from the multiple IV bags of antibiotics, pain medications and fluids lulled Ray into a restless sleep. His dreams took him back to that fateful day when Ben broke the news to him and then threatened to kill him with his bare hands.
Fraser sat on the edge of the exam table feeling exposed in the paper hospital gown. He hid his annoyance when the nurse told him it would be necessary to switch exam rooms after he had already been waiting for twenty minutes in the previous one. This room was larger and held more equipment. He twirled his thumbs together nervously as he waited impatiently for his doctor to arrive. As if recent events hadn't been humiliating enough, Fraser was never sick and yet, he had been feeling run down and under the weather for the better part of three weeks. Uncharacteristically, Fraser had fallen asleep on the couch four nights in a row. On the last occasion, Ray raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "What's going on with you, Ben?" he asked, tucking a blanket from the back of the couch around his shoulders.
"Nothing," Fraser muttered, stifling a yawn, before falling back asleep.
Ray had finally convinced him after he threw up yet another meal that seeing a doctor wasn't such a bad idea. Fraser tried to tell him that it was just a bug, that he would be fine. And then the simple task of brushing his teeth that evening had him bent over the toilet, gripping the seat so tight he thought he might crack his knuckles.
Ray entered the bathroom and leaned against the sink as he handed his partner a washcloth and a cup of water. "I told you that sushi roll was a bad idea," he joked. His tone was light-hearted, but his eyes betrayed his concern. "Look, Ben," Ray rubbed his partner's shoulders and neck. "You never get sick. Go get checked out tomorrow, even if you think it's nothing. Something isn't right."
So here Fraser was, on a Wednesday afternoon, waiting for the doctor to return. He felt like he had been poked and prodded like a voodoo doll. The last time he had this many blood tests was after the whole Victoria debacle. Maybe that was why he was feeling so vulnerable.
He was staring vacantly at a spot on the floor when the door swung open. "Benton," Doctor Logan burst in looking excited, or maybe alarmed. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting so long. Your results have left me… intrigued." Fraser blinked at him, surprised. 'What does 'intrigued' mean?' he wondered. Logan smiled at him, then coughed and smoothed his beard, pulling Fraser's medical file out from under his arm. He flipped it open, stared, half-smiled, then frowned, then shut it again.
"Is it serious?" Fraser questioned, suddenly concerned.
"Well," Logan paused. "It is quite unique." The doctor opened Fraser's file again and read to himself, as though to reassure himself of the contents, before addressing the nervous man on the exam table. "I believe I will need to call in an expert that specializes in your condition."
"What is it?" Fraser questioned again. "What condition?" Creases appeared on his forehead as he became increasingly alarmed. "Should I call Ray?"
The doctor closed his file and frowned. "Perhaps not yet. We should... well. Wait and see exactly what the long term prognosis is." Fraser stared at the man, completely bewildered.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not being very clear. Of course, you can tell him if you choose to when you get home."
"What?" Fraser felt like shouting. "What can I tell him?"
Logan grimaced, and cleared his throat. "Okay," he started cautiously, "just so you know. I went over your results several times, went down to the lab and ran the tests again myself just to be sure. I've never seen it before, heard about a few cases but have never come across one myself. Truly amazing, really."
"Doctor Logan, if you would please," Fraser bit back the rest of the sentence. If Ray was here he would have shouted at Logan to 'just spit it out already,' and if the older man didn't hurry up and explain himself, Fraser might say just that. That would never do. 'Breathe,'he told himself. 'Relax.' "Just tell me what we are dealing with here." Despite his best efforts to be calm though, Fraser rubbed his ankles together and fidgeted with his hands while he awaited an answer.
Looking up from his notes, the doctor smiled. "You, my friend, are pregnant."
'What?'
For a long moment the whole world went quiet. Then Fraser heard himself laughing. 'Oh dear,' he thought feeling he had gone insane, or Doctor Logan had.
By the time he had stopped laughing, he was feeling sick… again. Doctor Logan had put a reassuring hand on his elbow. Fraser caught his breath, then shook his head. Pregnant? Did the man say 'pregnant'? Before he could break into hysterical laughter again he blurted out, "Excuse me?"
"Pregnant," the doctor repeated, looking at him with some concern.
"No," Fraser declared, bluntly. He didn't care how rude he sounded. "You obviously have my results mixed with those of another patient, a female patient if I might add. I realize, of course, that I don't have the advantage of a medical degree, however," he glared at the doctor witheringly. "As I am sure they will have covered at some point during your studies, men can't get pregnant. It's impossible."
Doctor Logan looked at him sympathetically, despite Fraser's snippy attitude. "I realize this is a shock, Benton. Normally, of course, I would agree with you, but according to my test results," he gestured at the folder, "you are in fact pregnant." Fraser opened his mouth to object, but the doctor affected a brisk and cheerful attitude, interrupting his protests. "So. I would like to do a physical exam and an ultrasound to see exactly what we are dealing with and check how far along you are." The doctor closed his file again and pulled a pair of latex gloves out of a box on the wall, slipping them onto his hands one at a time.
Fraser just stared at him then scanned the room. That's why the nurses switched him to another room, an obstetrics room. Fraser felt sick again. "You're kidding me, right? This is a joke." Fraser let out a shaky breath. "There's no need for a physical exam, I'm not pregnant." He scooted back on the table as the doctor stepped to the end of the exam table, pulling an ultrasound monitor away from the wall and turning it on. "You can't be serious?"
Logan lifted his hands in a non-threatening gesture at Fraser and took two steps back. "I know it is a shock," he reiterated, in gentle tones. "Please, I would like to at least do an ultrasound to see how far along you are. I was an OBGYN for many years before I switched practices. I assure you, you are in very capable hands. But even I have limitations when it comes to male pregnancies. I have an expert in male pregnancies on his way to my office to meet with you. Would you feel more comfortable waiting until he arrives?"
'Expert in male pregnancies? There are experts?' Fraser's mouth hung open for a moment while he tried to gather his thoughts.
"Ray put you up to this, didn't he?" The shock hit him again and he giggled breathlessly. "Well, yes, of course he did. Because, it's impossible." He felt ridiculous, sitting here stating the absolute obvious. "I don't have the necessary organs or parts." He glared at the doctor again. Really, the man should be ashamed to be party to such a mean trick. "I'm a man. There's no way I could possibly carry a... a... it to term, let alone deliver it." He swallowed a bubble of nausea and concluded fiercely. "Because in case you haven't noticed... I am a man, not a woman."
"Well, in fact, you would be classified biologically as intersex… "
"What?"
Logan shook his head, backing off. "Of course you're a man. And there have been cases where men with your… kind of condition, have delivered healthy babies. Not many, it's very rare, but it has happened."
"Seriously?" Fraser was alarmed at how his voice squeaked.
"Seriously."
Fraser shook his head, dazed. For a layman he was extremely well educated on medical matters. He would have thought he'd have at least heard rumors if men were walking around pregnant.
Logan was still talking. "You have apparently been blessed… or cursed however you choose to look at the situation… with a female set of internal organs."
"You're saying I could deliver a healthy baby?" Fraser was confused as he looked down at his body. Everything looked the same. "I don't have an... well there's no..." Fraser paused. "How the hell could this even happen?"
"How about you lay back and let me do a quick exam and maybe by the time we are done, our expert will be here and he can explain the physics of it." The doctor placed a gentle hand on Fraser's shoulder encouraging him to lie back. "Your symptoms all make sense if you think about it."
"If I think about it, I would like to think you would have told me I have the flu or food poisoning, not that I'm…" Fraser couldn't get the words to come out past his lips. How the hell was the thing going to get out of him? And... he threw an arm over his eyes. "Oh my God, how am I going to tell Ray?"
"Ben," the doctor spoke softly as he readied the machine. "How long have we known each other? You're not in this alone. Ray is a very understanding person and I can guarantee that he and I will be with you through this whole journey." He squeezed Fraser's shoulder again before applying to jelly to his abdomen. Fraser gasped in shock at the intrusive cold. "Sorry, I should have warned you. Next time, I will warm it up."
"Next time?"
"Yes, your next visit." Logan frowned. "Normally, we would do an exam every month, but your case is obviously uniquely challenging, so we will want to keep a closer eye on it. Your blood pressure is a little low, and you are hypoglycemic… not unusual at this stage of a pregnancy. I think I would suggest coming in once a week for at least the next month, just to make sure everything is progressing nicely."
"Every... week? Progressing... what?" Fraser's voice was faint. Logan frowned again.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I've been making assumptions. Haven't you and Ray been talking about adoption for a couple of years? You do want this, right?"
"What I wanted was for you to tell me I had food poisoning." Fraser stared at the poster on the ceiling above the exam table as the doctor rolled the probe across his abdomen.
"Well, if you decide to tell Ray, I think you need to do it soon because according to the measurements here, I'd say you are about ten weeks." The doctor fiddled with a few buttons on the machine and a whooshing noise filled Fraser's ears. "Too early to tell sex yet, but it sure has a strong heartbeat."
Fraser fought hard not to turn his head and look at the screen, but the whooshing noise was constant and so loud it seemed to echo off the walls. There on the black and white screen was a tiny life growing inside of him. He abruptly pushed the doctor's hand off his abdomen and the whooshing subsided as the baby disappeared from the screen. Fraser sat up sharply. His head spun. "I need…" he gasped for air. "I need to talk to Ray, before anything else."
"Very well," the doctor placed a photo in his hand of the life growing inside of him. "Go home, talk this through with your partner and call me as soon as you can."
Fraser sat on the bed and bounced his feet nervously on the floor. He heard Ray's key in the lock but was glued to his spot. What would Ray think? What would Ray want to do? And how the hell would he even tell him? All these questions and about a thousand more raced through Fraser's head the second he stepped out of the doctor's office and started walking home.
Ray raced into the bedroom and slid to a stop in front of his dresser, opening a drawer and pulling out a fresh pair of jeans and a clean shirt. "I swear I will only be a few minutes," he called over his shoulder as he bolted for the bathroom to brush his teeth, throw some gel in his hair and take a quick piss. "Stupid Duck Boys thought they would be funny and saran wrapped the Goat. I told them we had plans to catch an early movie. Dumb asses." The toilet flushed and then the sink turned on and off. Ray hopped back into the bedroom with one leg in his jeans and the other trying to find the opposite leg hole. He stopped and pulled his t-shirt over his head. "Hey come on, we're going to be late." Ray turned to the dresser and pulled out a pair of socks. "Oh, what did the doctor say? You went to your appointment this afternoon, right?"
Fraser nodded as his feet bounced on the floor. He found himself twiddling his fingers and avoiding eye contact with Ray. The ultrasound photo was burning a hole in his pocket. His face flushed and he felt the nausea rise up his throat.
"So," Ray encouraged as he tried to slip his foot into his sock standing up. "How'd it go? They run any tests or anything?" Ray was met with silence. "Ben? Is everything okay?"
Fraser stood up from the bed, slid past Ray bouncing on one foot, still struggling with his socks and went to the refrigerator and retrieved two beer bottles. He pulled the magnetic bottle opener off the freezer door and popped the two tops. He turned to head back towards the bedroom and almost ran into a perplexed Ray, splashing beer over the rim of one the bottles onto his hand.
"What's going on?" Ray questioned, motioning to the two bottles.
"You might need these," Fraser handed Ray the two bottles and then reached into his flannel shirt pocket, pulling out the ultrasound photo his doctor had taken just a little over two hours ago. He breathed in deeply, brushed his thumb over the photo, exhaled and handed the photo to Ray with nervous fingers.
Ray set the beer bottles on the counter and took the photo. He brought it closer to his face. His head snapped up, eyes dark and angry. "What the fuck? You knocked someone up?"
"What?" Fraser shook his head profusely. "No, Ray… this is…" Fraser shook his head again. "How could you think that?"
"Well… whose ultra-scanny thingy is this then… huh?" Ray waved the photo in front of Fraser's face.
Fraser grabbed Ray's hand gently as he took a tentative step forward. "Would you believe… mine?"
"No… no, I would not." Ray stepped backward, picking up a beer bottle and bringing it to his lips, tipping it up quickly.
"Ray, I know this makes absolutely no sense and I don't even know how to go about explaining it..." Ben ran a knuckle over his eyebrow and took another step towards his partner. "Actually, we need to make a decision."
"This is all a joke, right? The Duck Boys put the doctor up to it? I told them you were going to see him today." Ray ran his hands down his face thoughtfully. "Yeah, maybe the Duck Boys are pranking you… they've been doing a lot of that lately. Probably a payback for me filling their car with water balloons last week."
"I don't think so. I heard it." Fraser settled his tired body onto a bar stool. "Besides… no doctor would be party to such a prank. It would be contrary to the Hippocratic oath."
Ray shook his head and rolled his eyes. "What do hippos have to do with it? I still don't get it."
Fraser let out a small laugh. "Oh, believe me, that makes two of us." Fraser reached for Ray's hand again, taking the empty beer bottle from him. "But apparently, you had something to do with it."
"You can't be serious. But how?" Ray looked Fraser's body up and down. A crooked grin appeared on his face. "I always knew…" Fraser cut him off with a stern look.
"You say the word freak anywhere in that sentence and I promise I will break my oath as a Mountie and kill you with my bare hands," Fraser warned.
Fraser's words echoed in Ray's ears. His eyes flashed open as his head snapped up. Darkness surrounded him and someone had covered him with a blanket. He glanced around the dim room and realized he was in a hospital room. Ben's room. Apparently, he had fallen asleep in the rocking chair next to Ben's bed. The heart rate monitor and the IV drips all kept time with one another. Ray pushed the blanket down to his waist and sat forward, taking Ben's frail hand into his own. It was chilly. Careful of the IV lines, Ray tried to rub some warmth into it. He glanced at his watch for the time, realizing he had been asleep for a few hours.
Ben moaned softly in his sleep and Ray quietly begged him to wake up. Fraser hadn't moved at all since they brought him back from emergency surgery. Ray wondered how long it would be before he saw the blue eyes that he loved so much. He hung his head and sighed, settling back into his chair. He pulled the blanket up around his neck and breathed deeply, trying to control his emotions. Closing his eyes, he was back in the kitchen with Fraser, two empty beer bottles and an ultrasound photo of… their baby.
"Wait a second, what do you mean you heard it? Heard what?" he asked Fraser, not sure he wanted or was ready to hear the answer.
"I heard the heartbeat," Ben replied, calmer than he was feeling inside.
"So, this isn't a lame attempt to get out of going to the movies? This is real? You're serious?"
"I would never pull a prank like this on anyone, Ray, especially you. As crazy and irrational as it sounds, I'm pregnant, and we are apparently going to have a baby, if…" Fraser's face went pinched and pale. "If…" Fraser almost couldn't verbalize the remainder of his thought. He took a calming breath and continued. "Ifthat's what we want."
"If... what?" Ray didn't know if he felt angry or confused. In less than a minute Fraser had sprung a pregnancy on him, and now he was hinting at… what? Abortion? He shook his head, unsure how to respond. "You're not yanking my chain or pulling my leg or…? This is real… like hormones and cravings real."
"It would appear so, yes." Fraser confirmed with a nod.
"And you're okay with it? You're not freaked out? Because I gotta be honest, I'm heading in that direction real quick."
"I did my freaking out at the doctor's office and on the way home."
"But how?" Ray asked confused. "We're both guys."
"I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I didn't stick around long enough for the expert to arrive and explain it to me." Ben blushed slightly. "I told Doctor Logan I needed to talk with you first and then I'm… we're… supposed to call him in a few days and tell him what we have decided."
Ray stared at his partner, still clearly confused by Fraser's condition. "So, he said you could actually have a baby and it would be healthy?"
"Yes." Fraser blew out a deep breath, and nodded, a little too enthusiastically. "I'm sure, just like with women, there are risks involved and I wouldn't be able to deliver it like a regular birth, but he seemed confident that we could have a healthy baby." He coughed and cleared his throat. "We've talked about a child of our own for two years, Ray. Now, we have the most bizarre opportunity of that idea becoming a reality for us."
"How hard is it going to be on you, physically?" Ray fidgeted, peeling the label off his empty beer bottle. "I don't want to risk your life, just so we can have a baby that I'm going to end up raising myself if something happens to you." Ray flinched when Fraser's face pinched tight with tension. "God, I can't believe I just said that. I'm sorry. I mean... how dangerous is this? What kind of symptoms are you going to have?"
"Well, I think we already know about the nausea and being overly tired." Fraser frowned at Ray. "How are we going to tell people?"
Ray held up both hands. "I am not telling Vecchio."
"You tell your people and I'll tell mine." Fraser smiled wide. He sat back against the counter, resting his elbows on the solid surface.
Ray rolled his eyes. "Ben, apart from Vecchio, all your people are dead. Well, except for Maggie, but she doesn't seem too interested in keeping in touch since she found out about us."
"Can't say that I blame her really." Fraser looked suddenly sad. "She really liked you and then well, we know how that turned out. I think she is a little bitter you chose me over her." He sighed. "Maybe I'd have been the same if it had been the other way round."
"I can't imagine it the other way round." Ray's eyes went soft with affection and he gave Ben a shy smile.
"Thank God for that," Fraser replied, and kissed him. "But hey, you know what this means?"
"What?"
"With the exception of Maggie, my job's done," Fraser stated triumphantly. Ray couldn't help it. He cracked up.
"Okay," he managed, when he had stopped choking on his beer. "All joking aside," Ray grew serious as he placed his empty bottle on the counter beside Fraser's elbow. "A baby changes everything, Ben."
"I do, in fact, know that, Ray," Ben snapped. Relenting a little, he took Ray's hand in his own and squeezed it tightly. "With the exception of me actually having the baby, this isn't any different than us wanting to adopt a child of our own. We've talked about that a lot and all the changes that would bring."
"But this is different." Ray sighed, squeezing Fraser's hand in return. "Not everybody's going to be understanding and supportive. What about your job?"
Fraser's brows drew together, confused. "What about my job?"
"Think about it for a minute, would ya? You work with me probably eighty percent of your time."
"Not quite eighty, but a lot, yes." Fraser smiled warmly at his partner.
"So, things are gonna have to change." Ray let go of Ben's hand. He went around the counter and started a pot of coffee. Ben swiveled on the chair, his eyes following him into the kitchen. "I'm serious about this too. You gotta stop taking all these crazy risks of yours."
"Such as?" Fraser raised an eyebrow.
"You're kidding, right? Scaling ladders to roof tops, jumping onto speeding cars, running after a suspect who is shooting at you. Any of that sound the least bit dangerous?" Ray prepped his coffee cup with chocolates as he ran down his list. "It's gotta stop. It's gotta stop regardless of us having a kid or not. God, I worry about you."
"I will make sure I keep my actions in check," Fraser said dryly. Ray tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. He knew that tone of voice... Fraser was pissed.
"What?" he asked, suspiciously.
"What 'what'?'" Fraser replied, confusingly.
"What do you mean you will 'keep your actions in check'?"
"I mean..." Fraser gave a nervous smile. "I will be more cautious with my actions regarding my personal well-being. I will wait for back-up and follow your lead. So, that means… this is all a go?"
Ray looked up from his coffee cup, returning the smile. "Yeah, it's all a go." He stepped up to the breakfast bar and leaned across. Fraser met him halfway for a kiss. Their lips met and Ray snuck his tongue into Ben's mouth, finding that crooked tooth. He broke the kiss, pulling his head back a few inches. "I'm still not telling Vecchio."
Shaking his head back and forth, Fraser relented. "No, I will tell him. But I want to wait until after we see this other doctor before we tell anyone." Fraser settled himself back on the bar stool.
"When is that again?" Ray stirred his coffee with a spoon before taking a long sip. "You want a cup?"
"Yes, that would be nice." Ray filled a mug and slid it across the counter. Fraser took the offered cup. After taking a swallow of his coffee, he rolled his shoulders to loosen the built up tension. "We are supposed to call Doctor Logan and he will set up an appointment."
Ray glanced at his watch and then Fraser. "Looks like we're gonna miss that movie after all."
Fraser suddenly looked stricken.
"Hey," Ray teased. "I don't mind all that much about missing the movie."
"No… it's not that."
"What is it?"
"Caffeine."
Ray looked puzzled for a moment, then smiled. "Hey, don't worry. One cup of coffee ain't gonna hurt anybody."
"Yes, but…"
"I'll make you some of that moose-gut tea you like so much instead."
Fraser's shoulders slumped, and he sighed with relief. "Thank you."
Ray made the tea, then took the opportunity to kiss Ben on his way past the counter. Looked like Fraser needed all the reassurance in the world.
Picking up his cup of tea, Fraser motioned for Ray to follow. "I am sorry about the movie though." He looked embarrassed. "To be honest, I think I would have fallen asleep anyway. I don't seem to have any energy left today. Come sit with me on the couch. I will tell you the rest of what I know."
"Yeah," Ray said gently. "Let's just sit together."
Fraser sank onto the couch. With a weary sigh, he removed his shoes and placed them under the coffee table. Ray sat next to him, propping his sock clad feet up on the end table. Fraser took his hand and laced their fingers together, dropping his head against Ray's shoulder. Ray took one leg and draped it across Fraser's knee. Fraser sighed at the touch.
Ray motioned to Fraser's abdomen. "Can I feel it?"
Ben gave a pinched smile. "There's nothing to feel yet. It's still much too small." He looked down at his stomach. His face was tight and unreadable. "Doctor Logan says I'm about ten weeks along."
"And how many weeks is a normal pregnancy?" Tentatively, Ray settled his hand on Ben's stomach. Ben was right, it felt no different than the last time he had placed his hands on Ben's stomach.
"I believe it is 40 weeks." Fraser rested his hand on top of Ray's. "We have a ways to go yet. He set my due date for right before the new year."
A small huff left Ray's mouth. Fraser lifted his head and stared at his lover. "What's wrong?"
Ray pursed his lips. "I'm no good at waiting… you know that. New year's is a long way away."
"I imagine that with all that we will have to prepare, the weeks will go by rather quickly." 'Too quickly,' Fraser thought, and panic fluttered in his chest. This thing still didn't feel real. Trying to anchor himself to reality, he scanned the small living room of the apartment. "We will have to turn the office into a bedroom." If he could stay practical, perhaps the ever present fear would recede a little…
Ray kissed the top of Fraser's head. "What if…" he hesitated, then smiled shyly. "What if we started to look for a house?" Fraser sat up and looked at his lover. "I mean," Ray continued, "the apartment is fine for now, but it would be nice to be settled into a house of our own before…" he stuttered, "before it gets here. That way…"
Fraser didn't give Ray time to finish his sentence before his lips were planted firmly atop Ray's. He pushed his tongue into Ray's warm mouth; it tasted of chocolates and coffee. Ray laced his hands around the back of Fraser's neck, pulling him closer. He turned on the couch and straddled Fraser's thighs. Fraser blinked, his eyes bright with unshed tears.
"This okay?" Ray asked between kisses.
Fraser closed his eyes, breathing heavily as he pushed his hips into Ray's growing erection. "God, yes…" Words failed him. This was more than okay… this was amazing. Despite his… condition… Ray desired him. Ray loved him…
Ray stood abruptly and Fraser read his mind, stretching out down the length of the couch. He parted his legs slightly and Ray settled himself between his partner's legs. Fraser wrapped his feet over the backs of Ray's ankles, as though he could anchor him there forever, while his hands worked the t-shirt up and over Ray's head. Fraser ran his strong hands up and down the length of Ray's back, massaging muscles and occasionally groping his ass. Slender fingers worked their way up Fraser's torso, tweaking hardened nipples and caressing Ben's chest. Ray's eyes were half closed, his lips parted. Ben's heart clenched with longing. 'God, he's beautiful…'
Ray latched onto the side of his neck and began sucking and kissing. Heat, passion. The brief sting of teeth and suction, lapped by a soothing tongue… Ben gasped. "Ray…" Desperately he groped, and found the zipper to Ray's jeans. Yes! He took a steadying breath. 'Don't rush this. Make it good for him.' "Ray," he moaned again. He focused on working the zipper down, teasingly slow. He felt a smile break on his face as Ray's lips assaulted his neck. Within his hand, Ray was hard, and warm, and slick.
"God, Ben…" Ray grunted against Ben's throat, then carried on greedily suckling, moaning hot against Ben's skin. Ben closed his eyes, feeling the sound trembling through his body. He clutched Ray's cock hard… almost too hard, he thought, but couldn't stop himself. Ray's hips were moving urgently, and Ben thrust back against him, his own cock growing more heated with each push. He was dizzy with lust, his fear and confusion forgotten as he ground himself against his lover's body.
"Slow down," Ray gasped, pulling his mouth away from Ben's neck.
"Don't stop," Ben pleaded, his body and soul wanting more of Ray's touch. "Please, don't stop…"
"Not stopping, Benton-Buddy." Ray flashed a wicked smile, then slid down Ben's body. "Want it to last. You're not even out of your pants."
"Oh." Unexpectedly Ben laughed, for the first time in weeks. Ray tugged his jeans, and Ben lifted his hips. Ray's head moved between Ben's legs, then he was mouthing him through the fabric of his boxers. Ben's whole body flinched, jerking out of control. He was helpless against it. "Don't stop, don't stop…" 'Don't ever stop…'He reached out blindly, trying to reach Ray's hard-on, but it was too far away.
"Don't worry, Ben," Ray said, voice muffled. Ben managed to open his eyes… he couldn't remember closing them… and saw Ray working his own cock with one hand, as he pulled down the boxers with the other. Again, Ben's eyes fell shut. His whole body writhed as Ray's mouth descended on him. Ray hummed against his cock-head, then grasped the root. Ben was totally engulfed in a hard hand, a soft pliant mouth… he pushed and moaned, his head tossing from side to side… he wanted to come, but Ray was squeezing hard, low down, just there, at the base of his shaft. Ben heard himself whimpering pitifully, felt his balls harden and rise, his cock engorge, harder and hotter… but he still couldn't come. He was burning. Ray kept control, sweeping his tongue across the slit of Ben's cock, then swooped round and round the head. Ben was so hard he hurt.
"Please, please, please…"
Ray shuddered suddenly… 'coming, Ray's coming, let me come with you'… and his rhythm stuttered. Ben flung his arm across his face, and bit down hard. Ray started working him again, harder and faster. His hand moved, releasing Ben's cock; he sucked Ben deeper into his mouth.
"Oh god, godgodgod…"
On the cusp of orgasm, Ben felt a long finger tracing circles around the sensitive skin of his anus. Wet. A wet fingertip pushed its way inside. Ben grasped Ray's hair, and tugged, forgetting courtesy, and fucked his mouth as hard and fast as he could. Ray's finger moved to the same swift rhythm, then curled, touching his sweet spot.
Ben cried out, and came, and came, and came.
"Happy?" Ray murmured, as they both came down from it.
"Happy," Ben replied, drifting in Ray's secure embrace.
And for a while, in the warm aftermath of love, he forgot to be afraid.