About a bazillion years ago, somewhere on Earth, a bunch of primitive apes were searching for food in the desert. They were very hungry, and they needed to fill their bellies with nourishment. They had tried eating worms earlier, but that just didn't seem to fill them up.
One of the apes was scratching on the ground, hoping to find some buried food. Some of the other members of the tribe stared at him, feeling sorry for him and his lack of common sense. It's a good thing they were smarterer than Bobby, which was his unofficial name.
A female member of the tribe walked up to Bobby, and tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted, and looked up from his work, only to be slapped by the female.
Earlier that day, Bobby had accidentally kissed her on the cheek. Afterwards, however, he had shoved her away, also accidentally. She had made the ugliest noises, so he had run off while covering his ears. Angered, the female had apparently followed him.
A bunch of the primates gathered around, raising their fists in the air, hoping to see some blood. It would be very entertaining to see the female emasculate Bobby!
Bobby tried to dash around her, but she tripped him up. He fell on the ground, and due to his terrible co-ordination, couldn't get up. Not that it mattered, because then the female sat on him. Bobby sobbed manly tears, but the female gave him a look of disgust, as if his tears were the opposite of manly.
Before they could continue to do whatever they had previously been doing, a loud growl pierced the heated air. Bobby and the female embraced each other in fear, as if one was a cowardly human holding his equally cowardly dog.
A leopard jumped out of the bushes. It was freaked out because another leopard had asked if it was possible to become a cheetah.
The leopard all too soon realized that the bush he had been in contained poison ivy. Eyes wide, the leopard thought back to the lessons it had been taught by the leopard elders.
"Young ones, listen. Our gods have told us that the only way to cure a case of the itchy scratchies is to eat a primate," one of the white-furred elders yowled at the pack. One young leopard timidly raised a paw, like he had been taught.
"Yes, young one? What is it that you wish to say?" The shy cub blinked innocently.
"What is a primate?" The elders shook their heads in disbelief. One of them coughed up a hairball, and removed a large paper from the mess. Unfolding it, a hairy, bipedal beast could be seen.
"Never mind, I've seen those around, LOL!" The cub purred. The elders sighed at these young whippersnappers.
The leopard remembered what he had to do. Seeing some of the primates trying to climb trees was funny; he would show them how it was really done!
Yowling like a demon, the leopard climbed five trees in the time it took one of those primates to get a foothold! Getting bored, the leopard grabbed some poor sap by his leg, and dashed off.
The remaining apes all felt pleased that it hadn't been them, but Bobby felt some remorse; instead of helping, he had cowered in raw fear. Also, he had maaaaybe begun crying again, but he refused to believe it.
Getting thirsty, Bobby ran to his favorite water hole. With nothing better to do, the rest of the tribe followed. Unfortunately, when they arrived, a rival gang was already there. They wore gold chains around their necks and arms! It was awful!
Bobby whimpered, his way of telling the other gang to back off, or else! The leader of the rival gang turned towards Bobby and roared. Bobby stepped back, but his older brother moved in front of him. Bobby's eyes sparkled; his brother was his idol.
Bobby's brother shoved his face into the rival leader's personal space. The leader bared his teeth, but the brother did as well. Bobby grinned; his brother was amazing, the best primate in the world! He'd beat up this lame-o, and get them their water hole back!
The rival leader clubbed the brother on the head, killing him. Bobby was stunned. When the leader turned to face him, Bobby blacked out.
When he awoke, he was in a cave. Sitting up, he heard a buzzing noise. He jumped up when a crash followed. Running outside, flanked by his fellow roommates, he saw a strange sight; a giant black machine had fallen from the clouds. Bobby feared that it leaked radiation, but everyone else was starting to crowd around.
Trying to assert himself, in honor of his big bro, Bobby ran up the thing and touched it. Nothing really happened, and he soon lost interest. He fell asleep, not even bothering to move back in the cave.
The next morning, Bobby felt different. Trying to grunt, it came out sounding like, "I feel terrible." Bobby clamped his hands to his mouth, before whispering, "What the heck?" He now knew what words were, and it felt so good and exciting. He was a word virgin!
His roommates all looked at him ignorantly, and he knew that he had to teach them the ways of talking and words and syllables. But first, he had to avenge his brother.
Running to the water hole, he was enraged to see the guy who killed his bro spitting in the clear liquid. The leader smirked at Bobby, who yelled, "Stop! Dude, that's gross!" The leader stuck his tongue out, so Bobby pinched it. The leader cried like a female.
"You killed my brother. Prepare to die!" Bobby yelled as he clocked the leader on the head with some random cactus he found lying around. The leader fell down like a rock. Bobby called to the sky, "Brother, I hope you're watching! I went hardcore on this fool's head!"
His roommates peered at him curiously, not understanding his words of wisdom. In anger, Bobby flung his cactus into the air, thinking to himself that his new name should be Moonwatcher. The cactus fell back down and hit Moonwatcher on the head, knocking him out.
But little did Moonwatcher know that he would be completely irrelevant for the rest of the fic! As the cactus mysteriously flew off, it transformed into a spaceship!
Next Time:
A doctor who is scared of space and air travel decides to travel to space for job reasons. And demons walk the Earth or something. Tune in!
Author's Notes:
The opening segment of 2001 was my least favorite part of the film, so I kinda zoomed through it. The rest of the film won't travel by so fast.