TWISTED- and yes, it is sadly a crossover. It's like a disease…
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am most certainly not George Lucas or J.K.Rowling. I am making zip money. I don't even own the t-shirt slogan. The characters belong to their creators. The twisted plot sadly is mine.
Spoilers: Um, well, not a lot. But if they bother you, don't read. Pertains to HP book one and SW episode…something. When Ani goes evil, anyway. Not canon. Crossover fic.
Rating: This always confuses me. It's safe to read, I think. Brief mention of child neglect and so on. Er, M?
Warnings: Extreme lack of sanity ahead. Abandon canon. The ship is sinking.
A.N: This is a completely random and somewhat parody of sw/hp. I had a sudden image out of nowhere of Obi-Wan running into Petunia Dursley and 'lo- this fic was born. This is probably as much of it as you are going to get. It's not to be taken seriously. I practically cackled when I wrote their meeting, however. I think it was very late at night when I had the idea and I really have no excuse. I lack a far bit of knowledge about the SW universe- it's so massive! So if there are mistakes- live with them. I don't think anybody really cares. Go read a serious fic if you want perfection. I have a teeny bit more written if anybody actually wants it.
Prologue- Starlit Arrival
In a very secluded corner of the galaxy, on a world separate from any of the old alliances, a man was disembarking from a very odd looking ship.
He was very tired.
Slung across his chest was a crude sling made from what appeared to be a strip of his simple brown robes. Sleeping inside the sling were two very small infants. So small, in fact, that they could only have been days old. The two tiny faces were currently calm and still in sleep. This was good, because their guardian was exhausted and the two tended to wake and fuss as one.
The man was in his mid-thirties, but somehow contrived to look both much older and much younger. He had red-gold hair that fell with a slight wave just past his shoulders, and was touched faintly with threads of silver. A slightly scruffy beard covered his jaw, and he ran one slim hand over his face with a sigh as he leaped lightly the last meter to the ground, before enabling the cloaking device on his wrist. Instantly, the ship seemed to shimmer and vanish as if it never been.
"So this is Earth." The man's voice was soft and cultured, touched with a deep wariness and sorrow. Inside the sling, the little boy began to stir, one tiny hand clasping and unclasping the soft weave of his make-shift blanket. His sister slumbered on.
The babies were called Luke and Leia, and the careworn man holding them close to his heart was called Obi-Wan.
It was a brave new world. The exiled Jedi sighed and lifted his eyes towards the heavens, seeking out stars in the unfamiliar night sky in which to get his bearings. A cool night-wind picked up, and the man tightened his grip on his young charges, feeling woefully inadequate to the task that lay before him.
Not only did he have to successfully evade the Emperor and his minions- and Him- he was also to raise two infants?
What by the Force did he know of raising children?
Just love them, Padawan-mine…Obi-Wan jerked in surprise, head whipping to the side although he knew nothing would be there.
Master…He sighed again. Love them? How could he not? For whenever the two little ones opened their eyes Obi-Wan stared into endless blue that reminded him sharply of another pair of eyes that he had known- and loved- so well.
Love them? Of course! No problem! But raise them?
Yoda must be getting senile in his old age.
But these were all questions that could wait for another day. For now, Obi-Wan needed to find shelter for the night, before creating a new identity and getting a job underneath the radar of the Emperor that would still supply enough money for two growing children.
He was, he believed, fairly safe here. This planet, from what he knew, was unexplored by any of the major powers. Its people were not yet capable of space-travel, let alone warp speed. Absently, the newly Exiled Jedi Master, one of the last of his kind, checked his shielding before he began to make his way into the night, breathing in the fresh air as he fought back memories to new and painful to yet be accepted.
Oh, Anakin…
He would make this work. Not because he deserved it, but because the two tiny, trusting lives within his arms did. And so it was that Obi-Wan Kenobi and the newborn children of Anakin Skywalker came to Earth.
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Obi-Wan blessed the Force yet again as he wiped any memory of his or the twins existence from the local man's mind. Without it, he would have had no chance.
It was a very different man that walked through the crowded town of London than the exhausted man that had staggered off of the little transport many miles away. For one, his beloved robes simply did not fit in, and he was forced to fold them up neatly to be carried in his bag. They held too many memories for him to abandon them so cheaply.
Besides, Luke and Leia seemed to adore sleeping in its folds, and anything that kept the two from trying to scream their tiny but in no way undeveloped lungs out could only be good.
Now, Obi-Wan was dressed in dark, well fitting clothes that enabled movement. The kind but somewhat ferocious sales lady had tried to sell him something called jeans, but Obi-Wan was a veteran of far too many battles to be forced into wearing clothes that would restrict him in battle. Instead, he wore close-fitting but stretchy material in an odd pattern referred to on the planet as khaki. Whatever that was. Shirts at least had been simple to choose from. Although he had to admit buying a shirt for no other reason than the rather amusing slogan on the front.
"Shhh…I'm hiding from the voices." He had kept his old boots, which still had many years left in them, but topped off his outfit with an extremely comfortable ankle-length jacket made of soft leather that reminded him somewhat of his beloved cloak.
Well, there was also a simple black belt with a plain metal buckle, on which he hung his lightsaber out of sight. The presence of his old weapon, was, as ever, a comfort. That didn't mean he abandoned his beloved knife collection, not at all! After all, a lightsaber was the last weapon you fell back on when you were undercover and hiding from extremely powerful enemies. Obi-Wan was taking as many precautions as possible. When he had sold a large quantity of his unneeded supplies from his 'cruiser, he had adopted the far simpler name of Ben with a soft twinge of regret. Gone, too, was his beard, without which he appeared years younger, and he sincerely hoped, altered his facial features significantly. Locks of red-gold hair fell into his shifting, blue-green eyes and he brushed them absently behind one ear as he bent over the twins again, mouth and eyes softening as they gurgled trustingly up at him. He tucked them into their little carriers snugly, smiling as Leia curled her tiny fists around her brand new stuffed toy, something known somewhat affectionately as a 'teddy-bear.' His expression lost a little of its luminance as he recalled the utter Sith cursed hell that had been baby shopping.
The Obi-Wan Kenobi rule of baby shopping had been pretty simple, considering he'd never had to do it before.
That was until he'd entered…that shop, and met that woman…
She'd immediately been enamored of the two tiny twins with their fuzzy little blonde heads, which Obi-Wan could hardly blame her for. However, her somewhat excessive adoration had turned to horror as she took in their makeshift carrier and the obvious and complete lack of any baby implements.
The next hour had been utter hell.
He had to have diapers. He had to have bottles, dummies, blankets and safe, approved baby carriers, of which, she had pointed out, his sling was most certainly not.
He'd been somewhat indignant. It had been just fine for the week before she'd even met them, and he would never have allowed the two precious children to have been hurt under his care! Plus, he had the Force on his side.
Unfortunately, he couldn't say this, and his protestations that he would allow nothing to happen to the twins fell on somewhat deaf ears as the lady- known as Jenna- berated him firmly, tugging him towards the approved baby carriers, her voice and manner righteous.
It occurred to Obi-Wan the only real difference between his carrier and the others, besides a difference in materials, was the massive leaps in price the approved versions carried.
But he wanted to fit in, so Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, or Ben Hikari as he was currently known as, great General of the Clone Wars, stood still, head bowed, as the terrifying beast- er, lady- bullied him into buying a whole load of things he was positive he could have done without. Except the teddy-bears, which were adorably soft and safe and brought back beautiful but painful memories of rows of tiny cradles with even tinier occupants chewing on a stuffed Bantha's ear, or slobbering over one soft, inaccurate representation of wildlife or another. Blinking back tears, Obi-Wan had smiled his thanks at Jenna and gave her his thanks along with quite a bit of money. She had stared dazedly after him as he left, a silly smile on her lips, remembering the exquisite loveliness of his eyes and smile for quite some time.
Gratefulness or not, Obi-Wan had avoided that sector of the city from them on. And that wasn't only because he was avoiding leaving a trail. She had been quite an unnerving creature.
He had the clothes, the look, and was working on the manners. But he had been known as the Negotiator. Obi-Wan was going to get by all right. All he needed now was some sort of stable job in this technologically deficient world. He had always been rather good with computers, it was true…He'd find something.
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Do you believe in fate? Really? Fate, if it exists, is an odd creature, don't you think? And not particularly nice, either. Look at poor Anakin's fate. But was it all pre-determined? Could Anakin have chosen a new path?
More importantly, could he still choose a new path? As they say, what is not yet written…but that is in the future. For now, Obi-Wan Kenobi, guardian and mother/father to two very powerful Force-sensitive infants, was staring at the eerie perfection that was Privet Drive and calculating prices in his head. Blissfully unaware of what many could reasonably argue was a Fate driven destiny as he signed a simple contract for the rent of number six Privet Drive, Surrey London…
It had only been a week and Obi-Wan was already about ready to scream and do something drastic. What on earth did the obnoxious woman mean his roses were not correctly pruned? He'd hardly been aware of the roses existence, his strength being in the Unifying Force, let alone that they were apparently not correctly pruned.
There was a correct way to prune domestic flowers?
And somebody was bored or simple enough to care?
Obi-Wan Kenobi had been a negotiator without peer. He had settled seemingly insurmountable problems stretching for generations with his unique blend of gentle kindness, sharp wit, and terrifying resolve. He had been the best of the best.
And he was near ready to Force suggest the woman just so she would go away. What was her name again, anyway? Petunia? Maybe her name had something to do with her unnatural obsession with flowers. Might explain her oddly long neck, too.
Obi-Wan snapped back to awareness as he realized the irritating humanoid was still talking.
"…my son, Dudley, you know," her voice was dripping with pride and practically thrust an astoundingly fat infant in Obi-Wan's face, her chest thrust out with pride.
"…" Obi-Wan honestly couldn't think of a single thing positive to say about the overly round little child with small, piggy eyes. Eyeing the stretched material of the boy's jumpsuit, he wondered vaguely if he would bounce if dropped. He suddenly realized he should be saying something, and opened his mouth, but the woman continued on, as if such speechlessness over her son was normal- it probably was- and only to be expected with people seeing his overwhelming potential for the first time.
Obi-Wan regarded her with something like awe. That kind of blind, self-serving obsession…a Sith would have been impressed.
His eyes began to glaze over as the woman prattled on about her son, who would no doubt be someday as important as his father, and behind his empty smile and blank eyes several escape plans bloomed and died. He finally opened his mouth to remind the woman of his own two little wards- who undoubtedly needed him- when the last thing she had said registered.
"Play date? My children...with yours? Er, madam, that is very kind, but no doubt you will be far too busy…"
She was evil, she had to be. This was some sort of twisted, diabolical Sith plot. This harridan was surely some sort of inane alien life form, and her 'son' some unnatural Sith experiment between humanoids and animal life forms…yes, some sort of evil plot.
Obi-Wan was just making his excuses when from somewhere within the twins burst into synchronized shrieks, demanding the centre of their universes presence- pronto.
Before he could stop her, the harridan- sorry, Petunia- was off back down the street with her son tucked to her breast, smugly pronouncing that she would bring her 'darling little diddydinkums' back the following day, and have a look at his mysterious little twins, as he so clearly needed her expert help.
He resisted the almost overpowering urge to Force- choke her and fled inside, where Luke and Leia were trying to scream down the block- didn't he know they needed changing, feeding, and their normal allotted time of being adored?
He didn't know it, but Fate was about to bring the plight of one young Harry Potter to his attention. He was far too busy worrying that the woman had been checking him out to do more than vaguely register the stir in the Force that suggested another change.
He was going to need serious meditation for this.
Little Harry was very confused. The poor little boy was very confused. This was to be expected, he was only a year old, after all, and his world had changed dramatically. Mommy and Daddy were gone, their soft voices full of love and laughter had disappeared, and instead their was the harsh shrieking and booming voices of these odd new people, and only the darkness and dankness of the cupboard instead of his comfy bed with the shiny glittering ball with wings flittering by overhead. Life had indeed changed dramatically for the infant, now savior of the Wizarding World, and not particularly in a good way. He was tired, he was hungry, and he needed changing. He hadn't been allowed to play with the other boy or any of his toys, and no matter how much he cried or screamed, he was left in the darkness alone.
He sniffled, his poor little throat strained from all his crying, and fell silent.
He had learnt his first new lesson in his new home.
Mommy and Daddy weren't coming back, and crying would get him nothing.
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Two houses down, a very odd, intergalactic refugee rolled over in his sleep uneasily, brow furrowing. His hand reached out, fingers brushing over the sheets as if searching for something. The call in the Force strengthened, became loud and insistent, then fell away into nothing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi woke with a gasp, and as if on cue, Luke and Leia did as well, raising their voices in unison. Drawing on the Force, the ex-general slipped out of the bed and called two bottles towards himself with a twitch of the Force, before padding into the kitchen to heat them.
Desolate voices followed him, and as the bottles heated and he soothed the two infants with a touch of the Force, he reached out to the disturbance, his trained mind sliding briefly over a surge of pain and loneliness before it slipped away again.
Ah, a mind then, young and unfocused, radiating pain unknowingly out for those who had the skill to 'hear'.
As stubborn little Luke finally succumbed to sleep, Obi-Wan brushed out with his own mind, radiating warmth and love. The othermind slipped into gentle slumber, as the Jedi promised the new little soul that he would find out the truth of things with the new days light. He knew the mind was young, male, and close by. He also knew whoever it was, was desperately unhappy. There was a faint taint of darkness that lodged the breath in his throat and brought his senses painfully alive. His mind snapped out again, his probe powerfully shielded, but the darkness was faint, a trace only. His heart calmed slightly, and curiosity swept through his as he juggled the babies back into their shared cradle.
He let his mind return fully into his body, standing watch over Luke and Leia as the slept innocently on. The touch of darkness had brought back painful memories, and as he brushed Luke's gently curling blonde hair back his fingers trembled slightly at the incredible surge of pain and all consuming love swept through him.
"Sleep now, dear ones. I will look after you."
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The incident in the night had almost managed to wipe the unpleasant impending meeting with Petunia Dursley from Obi-Wan's mind. Almost. It was with reluctance that he answered the doorbell, debating pretending to be absent, but then Leia began to cry, and he sighed in defeat.
"Traitor," he whispered to the little girl as he picked her up, and steeling himself, started towards the door. A touch of the Force verified that it was, indeed, the one he feared.
Listen to him, as if it was a lord of the Sith outside his door. But at least he would have known what to do then. He wasn't allowed to try to hack Petunia into pieces with his lightsaber, however. No matter how worryingly appealing that thought was.
"Mrs. Dursley!" He exclaimed with surprise and faked pleasure as the door swept open with a dramatic creak.
He could do this. He had fooled diplomats before, the best the planets had to offer. He could put up with one irritating woman and her child for a few hours, certainly?
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Why couldn't Anakin have just killed him? Why couldn't Yoda have taken the twins in? Why couldn't lightning strike him down? Or better yet, strike her down. And her little brat too. Obi-Wan released his frustration into the Force yet again and threw back a glass of cold water, wishing it was something a little stronger.
He had dealt with the spoiled sons and daughters of diplomats before, and absolutely none of them were as terrible as this one little chubby terror. He was clearly used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted, as soon as he wanted it. Petunia doted on her child alarmingly and excessively to the detriment of all else. As the chubby little boy reached over once more to pinch Luke, Leia finally took objection to the treatment of her brother, whom only she could torment. Her tiny fingers reached out and snagged one fat hand and squeezed with inspiring strength. It's debatable whether or not she cheated, using the Force or not, but Dudley's age advantage did even the odds slightly. Obi-Wan swept in to separate them, soothing Luke and Leia with a gentle touch to their minds, before unceremoniously sending 'darling Dudley' to sleep with an unsubtle mental command.
The child was much nicer asleep. Serenely Obi-Wan turned to face his unwanted guest, smiling gently.
"Oh, what a shame, your son seems to have fallen asleep. Tired himself out, I expect."
As expected, this distracted the she-terror, as she swept over to pluck her child from his grasp.
"Oh! My poor widdle Dudders! Nap time for mommy's little angel…" As the nauseating babble continued, Obi-Wan subtly began to herd her towards the door, picking up her bag as she went. He was just breathing a sigh of relief as she passed his threshold when she turned back, absently rocking her son.
"A pleasure, Mr. Hikari! And I just know you and your children are looking forward to meeting Dudders again!"
He cursed the Sith and their dastardly plots to the Underworld and back.
And so it was that Obi-Wan Kenobi became the sometime babysitter of Dudley Dursley. But it was only after some subtle digging and a sudden turn of events that introduced him to young Harry Potter, unwilling resident of number four Privet Drive.