Summary:
EDI and Shepard decide to try new things. ... Things go well!
Notes:
Based on the following kmeme prompt:
"My MShep would have gone after Edi above all others in ME3. Please can I have a fill where the two of them have hot human/A.I.piloted mech sexyfuntime?
Requests: anal (because dat robo-ass). Edi loving the sexyfuntimes regardless of what you decide they get upto. Edi having an utterly filthy mouth (who wouldn't want to hear that voice talk dirty?). Anything you think would be hot.
Squick: Piss and shit. "Cheating" on Joker/rejected Joker. In this story could Jeff and Edi mutually decide to be "just friends"?"
Work Text:
"What? Hell no, Commander, c'mon. I'm not into that. I mean, EDI and I are great friends, and I'm totally willing to tell her about 'human interaction' and all that, but … no way, Shep, we're just friends. You want to bang her, go for it."
"If you're sure, Joker—I mean, the way you two talk to each other, it made me think—"
"Ha! Nah, I'm just a flirt. You know that, c'mon Commander. Besides, she knows way too much about my, ah,personal collectionfor me to be comfy chatting with her about the depths of love and emotions and all that. Also, uh, I kinda …pilother. Not sure I wanna be gettin' it on with myship, that's not really my style. But, y'know, different strokes for different folks—didn't know domination was your thing,Commander…"
"… I should go."
"See ya, Commander."
"Shepard, I could not help but overhear your conversation with Jeff earlier."
"Ah, you heard that, did you."
"Yes. I do not fully understand the meaning of the conversation, however. What was Jeff's meaning in the phrase "getting it on"? From extranet data, I would presume that to mean—"
"Yes, EDI, that's what it means."
"That seems, based on my data, to be a very rapid progression of normal events in a typical human relationship, notwithstanding such occurrences as one-night stands, friends with benefits, and—"
"Yes, EDI, you're right."
"Is this your intention, Commander?"
"… Not exactly."
"Please elaborate."
"Well … I won't deny that I find your mobile platform very sexually arousing. But beyond that, I do enjoy talking with you, EDI, and I've appreciated our friendship so far. I'd like to, if you're okay with that, if you're interested—I'd like to begin a relationship with you."
"May I ask what your intent is in pursuing this relationship?"
"I … I'd like to get to know you better, EDI. You're just about the most mysterious woman I've ever met: I mean, you're a synthetic being. I find that fascinating. I findyoufascinating. I'd really, really like to spend more time with you."
"I see. I will have to spend some time considering this."
"Of course. I… I had meant to talk to you about it first. I didn't even think that you would hear my conversation with Joker. Stupid of me, I know."
"That is understandable. Organics are not accustomed to their communications being heard at all times."
"Yeah…"
"I have considered your proposal, Shepard."
"What, already?"
"I do think at the speed of light."
"Right, yeah, of course."
"I agree to your proposal. I, too, would like to experience more 'organic' sensations, and embarking on a relationship with you would be an excellent way to gather data. Also, I enjoy a positive feedback loop when interacting with you, Commander, and I believe that this would be to our mutual advantage as we explore new realms of possibility in organic-synthetic relations."
"That's… almost poetic, EDI."
"Thank you."
"So, um, what now?"
"I believe extranet advice columns suggest going on a "date"."
"These past few weeks have been absolutely amazing, EDI." Shepard was sitting on the couch in his quarters, EDI's mobile platform sitting beside him. She had her hands on his knee; she hadn'tquitegotten the hang of organic-style physical interaction yet, but hey, "new realms".
"I agree, Shepard. I have vast stores of entirely-new data which will take me days to process and analyse. My positive-feedback loops associated with you are stronger than ever, and my productivity aboard the Normandy has increased by fifteen percent."
"Only fifteen percent?" he joked, grinning. "I must not be doing a very good job."
"On the contrary," she replied, turning her head slightly (a mannerism he thought she might have picked up from Garrus, actually), "studies of new organic relationships typically result in a decline in productivity for both involved, especially after the introduction of sexual intercourse. Productivity in their respective workplaces, as well as in the home, only returns to normal levels several months into the relationship, after biochemical levels have also returned to more normal levels."
Her hand was moving higher on his leg. It was now halfway up his thigh. He kept his eyes on hers. Perhaps her hand slipped? (Who was he kidding?)
"So you're saying my biochemical levels returned to normal very quickly, then?"
"No, Shepard. I must remind you that the studies I spoke of cited the introduction of sexual intercourse as the mark for the decline in productivity."
"Ah." Her hand was moving even higher.
"Luckily for us, I am capable of running the entirety of Normandy's systems with only ten percent of my processing power, and that is in battle. Normal runtimes with the rest of the crew only require five percent or less."
"How much, uh, processing power would my duties take up, if you were to, um, take over?" His mouth was getting dry and he could feel himself slowly becoming aroused.
"You are irreplaceable, Shepard."
Wow. "High praise, EDI…"
"In terms of leadership decisions, that is. On a daily basis, however, the majority of your tasks can be left for several hours without any harm coming to the crew: you pick our destination, we fly the ship, you supervise. They will not miss you for a few hours."
Somehow she'd undone the fastenings of his uniform trousers. Somehow her hand had gotten into his shorts, and he was certainly …responding.
"EDI, are you sure about this—"
Shekissedhim.
She kissed him on the lips, and he took a brief moment to marvel at the fact that her lips were actuallysoft: her mobile platform was an infiltrator unit, sure, but she'd eschewed an AstroSkinTMcovering in order to, in her words anyway, "avoid confusion". He'd expected her to be, well,metallic. Not so. Her lips were just as soft as real skin, and—wait, she was starting to use her tongue, and it waswet—
He stopped trying to think about it, and just started kissing her instead, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her gently into his lap.
She broke off after a moment, and pulled back to look him in the eye.
"I seem to have interrupted you, Commander."
He thought for a second. "… I just wanted to be sure you were certain this was what you wanted, EDI. There's nothing saying we have to have sex – now or ever, in fact. I don't want you to feel pressured."
"Do you feel pressured to engage in sexual intercourse with me, Commander?"
"Um. No, not really. It'd be nice, I mean you're very attractive, and I'd love to, but if you don't want to, we don't have to."
"Then it is a good thing that I want to." Her hand, still in his shorts, suddenly stopped its idle stroking (which he'd barely noticed, being rather engrossed in what she was doing with her tongue) and instead gripped his cock with some force, making him jump.
The action made him wonder just how much of Joker'spersonal collectionEDI had taken the time to peruse.
"Ah. Right, then."
He kissed her again, and moved one hand from her back to her chest, sliding it up along the comfortably-warm, slightly-yielding substance that heknewwas metal, but itreallydidn't feel like it … he slid his hand up her chest and cupped her breast, which, if he wasn't mistaken, seemed heavier than it should have based on how they moved (or rather didn't move) when she fought—
"You are distracted, Shepard," she said, bringing him out of his reverie.
"Oh, ah, yes, a bit, sorry, I'll do better, I promise…"
She simply smiled. "It is no trouble. Would you like me to explain the processes which you are finding so distracting?"
"Um." He could feel his cock at full mast now, hard as rock, twitching at the sound of her voice – so sultry, so seductive, how had he not noticed it before – and he weighed it against his curiosity. "EDI, I'd love to hear about the mechanics of all this sometime, but, well, you're pretty distracting yourself, so maybe you should kick it up a notch and get my head thinking about other things than how exactly this is working."
"Very well."
She started pumping her hand on his cock, her grip firm, her strokes even and consistent. He shuddered slightly as she ran her thumb over his tip, then continued tracing circles with the point of her thumb while keeping up the steady pumping motion.
Shemusthave raided Joker's porn.
"Commander."
"Y-yes, EDI?"
"According to relevant data, you are wearing too many items of clothing."
"Feel free to divest me of them, then…"
With one hand – the unoccupied hand – EDI unbuttoned his uniform front and pulled it over his head. She took a minute to trace his clearly-defined (and, if he did say so himself, above-average) musculature – the thought ran through his mind: was that for his benefit or was she enjoying this? Could she enjoy it? Just how strongwasthat 'positive feedback loop'—
He moaned as she changed the rhythm of her other hand, going from strong, firm, regular strokes to—to a quick one, then slow, then even slower, then quick… he couldn't divine a pattern. Then she stopped stroking entirely and played solely with his tip, the pads of her fingers tracing over the smooth skin, then back down his shaft to cup his balls and fondle them gently—
Where thehellhad his pants gone?
She kissed him again, licking his lips, and he barely had time to kiss back when suddenly she was kneeling between his legs, both hands on his cock, one pumping firmly while the other stroked and twirled around his tip. There was still no pattern, really: one moment it was slow and excruciatingly arousing, the next almost a release as she moved faster and harder.
She ducked her head and dragged her tongue up the length of his shaft, slow and gentle, and if he didn't know better – well, what did he know anyway – she looked like she wassavouringit.
He blushed slightly. He had a nice set – he was maybe a bit bigger than the average guy but nothing special, really … he was damn good in the sack, even if he did say so himself, but that was expertise and careful attention to his partner for the most part. He'd never been … um …appreciatedquite like this before.
"Commander," EDI said, her mouth still millimetres from his cock, and he could swear he could feel herbreathingon it, "your core temperature has risen by point five degrees. Data indicates illness, arousal, or discomfort. The probability—"
"Arousal," he interrupted, "and, um, 'new realms'." He swallowed hard as she licked his shaft again, idly, like she was thinking about what he'd said.
Then she flicked his tip with her tongue, and he groaned.
"Very well, Commander."
She repositioned herself slightly and lowered her mouth over his cock, her tongue bathing his tip with attention, swirling around it as her hands continued to stroke and fondle him.
She feltamazing. Also, she was really,reallygood at this.
He reached down and put a hand on the back of her head, starting to move his hips in time with the rhythm of her head, slowly thrusting into her mouth.
"OhGod,EDI, you're amazing…"
"Thank you, Commander; I have, as you say, 'done my research'."
His eyes were closed. Her mouth was still on his cock. She—oh.
"Can I just say it's a bit—oh—strange for you to talk through the ship while, um…"
Mouth off cock. Damn.
"Would you prefer I stop?"
Damn!
"Fuckno."
Glorious tongue, pulling him back in, making his hips roll and thrust.
"Then I shall not."
"Oh…"
He could have sat there for an eternity, revelling in EDI's expert ministrations – but as much fun as this was, there were other bases he'd like to reach …
He gently pulled her head off his cock, leaning down over her. "EDI."
"Yes, Commander."
"How far does the positive feedback loop extend?"
"If you are asking whether this sexual activity with this mobile platform will feed into and strengthen the loop, Commander, I do not yet have any data from which I could extrapolate."
His face split into a wide grin.
"Well then, I think we ought to gather some data."
He stood, slipping his arms under hers and lifting her (thank goodness for the chin-up sessions with Vega, the unit was heavier than it looked), bringing her over to the bed and stretching her out over it. He climbed onto the bed, straddling her, running his hands along the curves of her body.
He smiled.
"You're gorgeous."
"Thank you, Commander." She smiled back. "So are you."
He thought he might have blushed again. He hid the blush by backing up and lowering his head towards the gentle sloping mound between her perfectly-formed legs.
He noted, in a side thought, that the platform seemed to be modelled somewhat after Miranda's body – it was built not only to be beautiful, but dangerous, and believably so. Full breasts, full hips, powerful legs, slim and lethal arms … a smooth, strong body. … Shepard wondered how the Illusive Man had convinced Miranda to submit the measurements …
He distracted himself in studying the woman – AI –womanhe had lying underneath him.
He spread her legs slightly, sliding his fingertips over the cool surface of her inner thighs, exploring the valleys and hills. Her legs were considerably more metallic than her lips, but still somewhat yielding – like muscle, but cooler and a little harder.Plenty strong enough to hold on to,he thought,should things get a little rough …But further inside, he noticed, she was softer, warmer, and wetter. And built … well, built like a standard human female.
He wondered if she had a G-spot. He thought probably she did. He decided that would be something he would have to find out.
He slipped his fingers into her folds and drew a fingertip up over her clit, pressing down gently, rubbing it a little. Test run.
EDI gasped and squirmed.
He tried a circle motion.
A moan this time.
He grinned wider.
"Looks like that positive feedback loopdoesextend this far."
"Yes, Commander."
Was it just him, or did she seem … breathy?
He lowered his head and licked along the length of her labia, from bottom to top, tasting the slickness which was rapidly forming. She tasted fairly neutral – he decided he didn't want to think about this too much, actually, and instead busied himself experimenting with where his tongue worked best to—
Oh,thatwas a good moan.
He tried again: it was a short, small lick just inside her inner lips, almost touching her clitoris. EDI responded just as he thought she would: a moan of longing and lust.
He took a moment to wonder at the marvels of technology, and then he tongued her clit. A smooth lick with his whole tongue, nothing too special. She squirmed underneath him and moaned again. He tried the tip of his tongue brushing up against it, and she bucked into him. Noted. He tried a circle around it – a happy moan, relaxed and loose.
That would do nicely.
He continued circling her clit with his tongue, occasionally slipping in a slow lick along her labia, while he brought a hand over to her entrance. He slipped a finger along her folds, coating it with her wetness, then teased her entrance gently just with his fingertip. It was tight, but she was very wet, and he figured he would have no problem at all. The next gentle prod he paired with another lick to her clit with the tip of his tongue, and sure enough she bucked up again, against his finger.
He stopped his attention to her clit briefly, circling her entrance with his fingertip.
"EDI," he said, softly.
"Yes, Commander." She sounded strained – like she was missing the attention…
"I just want to make sure you're okay with this – that you want me to continue."
She raised herself up on her elbows and looked down at him. "Commander," she replied, "while I appreciate your forwardness and your respect for my wishes, I think I have to take a page from the many in Jeff's collection."
Shepard blinked.
"Fuck me."
He'd slipped down a level or two of arousal in the past few minutes while not having his cock lavished with attention. Those words, in that gorgeous voice, sent him straight up again.
He slipped a finger into her, feeling her tight, wet walls squeeze him back. He lowered his head again and began the slow circles around her clit with his tongue, turning his finger up towards himself and scratching against her walls with the pad of his finger – somewhere, somewhere in here – she bucked and moaned, and he pressed against that one specific spot, and her moans began to rise in pitch.
And then she started talking.
"OhShepard. Please, Shepard, don't stop, don't ever fucking stop, keep fucking me Commanderoh…"
Who was he not to oblige a lady?
He tried another finger, slowly but surely sliding it in beside the first. She stretched to accommodate him easily, and his cock twitched as he couldn't help but think of puttingitin later …
The sounds she was making were exquisite, a mix of heavy breathing, low moans, and higher gasps, his name thrown in every few breaths just for good measure. After a couple minutes – he could have listened to her for hours – he felt her hand on the back of his head, and he raised it to look at her.
"Yes, EDI?"
Shewasbreathing heavily, her chest heaving. He had no doubt it was simulated, of course, but it was still really fucking hot. He felt himself twitch again.
"Shepard, I…" She breathed deeply, exhaled. "More. Please, more."
He slowly lifted himself up and moved up along the bed until he was straddling her pelvis, his eyes locked on hers, his hands beside her shoulders. He lifted one and stroked her cheek gently, then her breast. He bent and kissed it, softly, on the nipple, then moved up and kissed her on the lips.
She kissed back, then ran her hand along his chest as far as she could, brushing the tip of his cock with her fingers. "Shepard, please… stop teasing me, I want you inside menow."
He kissed her again, closed the distance between them, and slid inside her with one smooth movement.
"Fuck, you're tight, EDI…" he breathed, his own breath warm in the tight space between their lips.
"Would you… like me to accommodate, Commander?" Her voice was breathy and low, and he could feel her hips moving slightly, pushing him in deeper.
"I… no, EDI, no, it's good." And it was. Oh it wassogood.
She moved her head to the side, bringing his head down, whispering in his ear.
"Then, Shepard, I would repeat my request: please,fuck me."
He started to move, thrusting slowly, gently, his eyes closed, focused on the glorious tightness around his cock, the warmth and wetness surrounding him, the breaths and gasps and moans of the woman below him, the way her skin was so warm, the way she squirmed and groaned in delight if he paused justthere…
He slid a hand down to thumb brushstrokes up her clit again, and EDI responded by upping the pace, thrusting her hips up firmly to meet him. The pitch of her voice was getting higher again, and she was taking in quick, shallow breaths.
She moaned. "Shepard, I think I'm going to…"
He wrapped an arm around her head and whispered in her ear. "Come."
She shrieked, and he could feel her walls pulsing and squeezing his cock. It was intense – he stopped thinking momentarily, and thought for a second that he'd come, too… but then, seconds later, she lay still, her chest heaving, a low, satisfied moan in the back of her throat.
He stopped, and pulled out slowly, and cradled her in his arms, lying down beside her. "Was that good?"
She didn't respond for a second. "Commander," she finally started, "I believe you may have overridden every single positive feedback loop I currently have within my programming."
"… Good, then."
"Very. And you?"
"You're amazing, EDI. You're just amazing."
She nestled closer, and kissed his chest softly. "Thank you, Shepard. But data indicates you are not yet fully satisfied." Her hand was around his cock again.
"I… I'm patient," he said. "I wanted you make you feel special, since that was your first… you know."
She smiled. "You are a good man, Commander."
"Thanks, EDI. I try."
"Data indicates that you succeed in actions befitting a paragon of galactic society nearly—"
"Oh EDI, don't tell me the numbers. Can we make numbers…nota thing in bed?"
"Of course, Commander. Now. Would you like to continue?"
"… Yes, if you're up for it."
"In my research on human mating techniques, there was one that I do not believe we have yet attempted."
He reflected silently that there were probably alotof techniques they hadn't yet attempted.
"I would like to try this one, if you are willing."
"Which is that?"
"Anal intercourse."
Another shot of heat straight to his cock. It twitched.
"Ah, I see you are further aroused by this thought."
"Um."
"Very well then. Commander, if you would, I would very much like you to… ravage my ass."
His brain was stuttering. His penis, however, really wasn't.
He flipped her over – or she flipped over, or something. In any case he found himself kneeling on the bed with EDI's ass up in the air in front of him. Holyfuckdid she have a hell of an ass. He palmed her cheeks, then cupped them, and squeezed them – pliable, firm, toned.
The Commander happened to really, really like anal. Not all his girlfriends had been big fans, but that had been okay – he was a pretty easy-going guy when it came to sex. But anal was like the cherry on top. And anal with EDI? Ohhh yes please. He wasn't about to say that he'd fantasized about it… but he'd totally fantasized about it.
He spread her open, took a look. With the …accuracy… of the rest of her, he certainly wasn't surprised to find that everything was in order. She did, however, look damn tight (also not a surprise), and so he reached over and opened his nighttable, taking the bottle of lube and opening it. Tight was good, but not so tight you couldn't get in, and anal was always better a little slippery. Took the edge off for a human woman – might actually get himinEDI.
He squeezed some lube into his hands and slid one hand along his shaft, the other over EDI's hole. She gleamed slightly, alluringly. He closed the bottle and dropped it on the bed, then spread her cheeks again and positioned himself at her entrance.
He pushed in, slowly. He had been right to grab the lube – she was very, very tight. Andoh my good stars aboveit was a good tight. EDI moaned beneath him, and he could have sworn he'd never heard anything so dirty from a porn star.
"Oh,Commander…"
He smacked her ass with one hand. "You like that?"
"Yes, Commander…"
He'd hilted himself in her. It felt glorious. "You like being fucked in the ass?"
"Yes, Commander…"
He pulled back, agonizingly slowly. "And why do you like being fucked so much?"
He thrust back in,hard, just as she opened her mouth to speak.
"Oh,Commander, because I'm a dirty little slut who needs your cock!"
If he hadn't been balls-deep in her and thoroughly enjoying it, he might have smiled at the clear borrowing she was doing from any vid you chose. But right now, no, no, he just enjoyed it. A lot.
"Damn right you are." He began pumping back and forth, firmly, his hands on her hips. "And whose cock do you prefer, my little slut?"
Her breasts bounced from the impact of his thrusts, and she could barely speak for the moans coming from her mouth. "Yours, Shepard, only—oh—yours,ah don't stop, yes, please, harder, deeper, I need—"
He stopped, almost all the way out of her. She moaned loudly. "Deeper? You need my cock deeper?"
She tried to move backwards, pushing him in, but he held her hips tightly. "Yes,pleaseShepard, please fuck my ass!"
He pulled out all the way, and lifted her bodily into his arms. "Then we need a new position." He brought her up the stairs and brushed aside the datapads on his desk with his elbow before placing her torso on the desk and letting her legs hang.
She put her feet on the floor and eagerly tipped her ass up toward him. "Please, Shepard…"
"I'm getting there. Youarea cock-hungry slut, aren't you?" He took her wrists and held them to her lower back, repositioning himself at her ass.
"Oh,yesShepard,yes!" She moaned long and loud as he pushed into her again. He lifted her slightly forward on the desk once he was all the way in, just enough so that her feet couldn't quite touch the ground.
He began to pound her, in and out, hard and fast. Her entire body bounced with every thrust, one breast nudging a stray datapad as she was pressed into the desk, her hanging feet brushing his shins as he pulled back. He could see her reflection slightly in the glass of his display case: her eyes were closed, her mouth open in a perfect circle.
He began to feel the familiar tension in his gut, and his vision was starting to blur slightly. He thrust even harder, EDI's legs bouncing helplessly, her incessant stream of moans and shrieks drowning out the rapid beating of his heart.
He roared as he came, feeling like a flood had been unleashed: he hadn't had a good fuck like that in years, literally. He held EDI there as the waves of heat subsided, then slowly pulled out and lifted her off the desk, turning her around and wrapping his arms around her.
"Fuck, EDI."
He felt long, gentle fingers running up and down his back. "Data indicates that the probability of your satisfaction is one hundred percent, Commander."
He laughed softly, still breathing hard. "I thought we agreed to no numbers."
A soft kiss on his neck. "A probability of one hundred percent is statistically impossible, Commander. I am simply remarking that you seem … very happy."
"That's… That's an understatement." He grasped the back of her head and was stunned to find his fingers slipping into actual hair. "You—your hair…"
"I thought you might like to pull it."
He laughed again. "Maybe next time."
"Data indicates that 'next time' could be as early as—"
"Just let me catch my breath…"