The first step forward is always the most difficult. I don't think anyone really understands this as well as I do as I attempt to take mine again. They lead me to where I know you'll be waiting for me, probably wondering what took me so long. You were always patient with me, Dom, so I hope this time isn't the exception to that rule.

I find myself praying you'll forgive me as I move toward you for the first time. It's not that I've forgotten about you, Dom; believe me when I say you never left my mind. I just couldn't make myself do it, couldn't make myself break the daydream of a world I've been living in. Everything falls back into its chosen place of normality when I don't have to think, Dom. You always made me think, always made me question everything, so I know that coming here will break the shell I've tried so hard to build around myself to block out the world.

The snow crunching beneath each of my footsteps is from the same storm you watched fall out your window. It's lasted that long, can you believe it? It's just been sitting around all this time, sitting and waiting, just like me. I still don't really understand why you were so excited about the snow. Maybe you thought it would cover our mistakes, like the layer of white it leaves to wait on the ground until the fresh new spring breaks through.

My eyes are still fixed on the worn toes of my shoes as I keep myself walking toward you. They're your shoes I'm looking at actually, the ones I took ages ago. I never told you I took them; hopefully you weren't angry with me. I'm almost sorry I was so angry with you.

I make myself sit in front of you once I've reached the place they promised you would be. The chill of the snow beneath me creeps through my jeans and onto my skin, leaving a dull ache in its path. I don't mind though, it's nice to feel something for once, this constant, unshakeable numb you cursed me with beginning to grow old.

"Hey." I honestly don't know why I'm here, Dom. I've managed to stay away until now, what was so special about today? What was so different about today that I thought I could finally do this? "I uhh-" I'm stuttering Dom, what do I say after all this time?

"It's been a month." I'm fidgeting in front of you, not sure how you're supposed to look while doing this. I take a deep breath, my mind running through the list of things I've been dying to tell you, deciding what to say first.

"I just want you to know I'm not here for you," I look up from where I'm sitting to make sure no one's around, though I know no one would be this early in the day, the sky just beginning to turn milky gray with the first rays of light. "I'm here for myself." For the first time I look up from the ground, my eyes meeting the rigid gray in front of me. I stare at it coldly for a few seconds, imagining you watching me from above, or below, or wherever the hell people go. "I'm here to remember."

I reach into my pocket, my hands fumbling not to rip the worn, faded paper folded inside. "I wrote down what I wanted to say, so that I wouldn't forget once I got here." I knew you understood, but I told you anyway, just glad to be saying anything. I was so afraid I wouldn't know how to start, Dom.

I can't stop my hands from shaking slightly as I unfold the paper, my barely-legible handwriting scribbled throughout the page. I don't remember how long ago I wrote this for you. I kept telling myself I would go see you the next day. But Tomorrows stacked up on top of each other until the day I really would really go seemed far out of reach. But, here I am Dom, I finally got over that hill.

I looked back down at my letter, my jaw locking as I remembered the night I had been tossing and turning in bed, thinking of you, always you, Dominic. My mind had reeled until I'd finally got out of bed and wrote everything I was thinking down. I wrote until my hand ached, and my head throbbed, but it was for you, Dominic, so I kept going long after I finished telling the story that was consuming my mind.

"Do you remember the first party of our senior year, out on the edge of John Falconer's land, when we got together for probably the fourth or fifth time?" My eyes scanned over what I had written, the words practically memorized from each time I read over it in my head, imagining I was reading it to you. I was immediately able to imagine the blush creeping up on your face as I read my own words. You hated when I talked about us out loud, like it was some kind of huge secret, though I'm sure everyone knew we were together long before we knew it ourselves. "I remember I was dancing, but all I really wanted to do was find you-"

The low throbbing beat blasting from someone's car radio seemed to fill my mind. It was only background noise at first, blocking out unwanted conversations, but then it was in me, synchronizing with my heart, so that its beat and my own were flowing, pulsing, beating as one. I had assumed it was the buzz from the two or three drinks that someone had handed to me in the crowd, saying "Try this," or "Here, have some of that." I didn't know until the music clung to my body, forcing me to feel its beat, why my mind was fixating on it. Why, with each beat, my own pulse grew louder, stronger.

It was you.

I saw you looking at me. I watched the look in your eye as you watched my body sway with countless others to the beat. I knew I needed you then, so I stepped out from the swarm of bodies, keeping the beat stored in my head, filing it away for later as I walked toward where you were sitting at the edge of the party.

"Dominic." You stood up from the musty log you had chosen when you first arrived, a few silent others sitting by you, some warming themselves with the dwindling campfire, others lighting up. You were doing neither one of these things. You were just watching, waiting for something no one but yourself could understand. You were never one for parties though, were you? Always staying to the background of things, never joining in until invited to.

"Matthew," It always started this way with you. We had done this countless times before, but you always felt the need to act civil. "How are things?"

Why did you play these games? We both knew what you wanted, what you craved while you were all alone under your sheets. So I smiled at you, and you couldn't help but laugh. I pulled you into a quick, tight hug, greeting you first as a longtime friend before moving on to bigger, better things.

"How long's it been? Two, three days?" You watched my lips as I spoke, probably trying to understand me over the dominating music

"Four, tops." You answered, both of us knowing I had just seen you earlier today.

That's how it had been since the beginning with me and you though; friends since before I can remember, though, our 'friends with benefits' arrangement was a relatively new thing. I never knew what to expect with you, Dominic, who were we tonight? How would I see you in the morning? Friends, or something more?

You stepped closer to me, our bodies nearly touching. Our eyes locked seconds before you closed the small gap between us, your hands pulling me closer to you as you whispered something in my ear.

"I can't remember what you said, Dom," I said, the alcohol making the memory fuzzy, "But it must have been pretty fucking hot." I was giggling softly, my hand quickly covering my mouth in attempt to muffle it as I remembered where I was. I didn't really care though, now that I was here with you I felt like I could go on for hours, thinking of all the things we had done in the beginning, before things got hard, before everything changed. I couldn't help but let a small smile creep through my fingers as I thought about you Dom. I cranked my head around to make sure I was still alone before continuing.

I was laying on top of you once we finished, the windows of your car covered with a thick layer of fog. We had done this before; we knew each other's bodies by now. We each knew the other's secret spots that would leave us both screaming in the end, waves of ecstasy shared between us.

That's why, at first, I was so confused why you weren't doing these things. Why you were holding on to me, pulling me closer when I slid into you. You were saying my name, looking into my eyes when you did it. I didn't tell you, but I wanted this more, needed this more than any quick fuck.

We had held each kiss longer, made each thrust deeper, sang out each moan louder. I don't know how, but I seemed to feel you as we did this. Not just feel your body, pressed up against mine, but, somehow, I felt as though I could feel your soul, holding onto me, begging not to let go.

And that was why, as we laid together in the backseat of your car, a thin layer of sweat still clinging to our naked bodies, that I pulled you closer to me, placing a soft kiss on your forehead. Had it been any other night you probably would have laughed and shoved me away, but you smiled then, your head resting in the crevice of my neck.

I pulled my sweatshirt tighter around myself, the air cooling as clouds covered the lightening sky. I found myself bringing the familiar piece of clothing to my nose, breathing in to catch any of your lingering scent, knowing the more I wore it the more it would smell like me, and less like you. But I couldn't help myself, Dominic, I hope you understand.

I realized just how quiet it was as I breathed in the scent I had been missing. The scent I chased in my dreams, my breath hitching occasionally, breaking the promise we had made together.

"I miss you so much." I closed my eyes tightly, fighting myself as reality began crawling into my mind, filling my head until there was no safe haven to retreat to. This was real. It wasn't some daydream I could open my eyes from with you on the other side, everything restored to the routine I had grown too comfortable in.

My family had kept telling me it was okay to be sad, that it was okay to cry, but I couldn't, Dom, It just wasn't real. I didn't understand why they wanted me to break, why they watched me each second of the day, waiting for my entire life to shatter. Nothing was wrong. I could just open my eyes and make everything go back to normal. Couldn't I?

"Coming here, talking to you makes it so real, Dominic, and it scares me." What I wanted more than anything else was to hold you, even though I was the one tearing at the seams now.

"I'd even take back the shitty days, when all I did was watch as you walked to the edge, testing it, seeing how far out you could go without falling off." I closed my eyes again, afraid to look at you now, you and your grey entirety. "Do you remember how bad it got?"

I held onto you, your body almost completely still while your dull, blank eyes looked over me and out the window that was just over my head. I knew you couldn't see anything through the thick blackness surrounding the night air, but you continued looking, waiting.

The room was silent except for each unsteady time you took a breath. I felt myself straining to hear each one, to make sure you were still there, though I still felt my arms solidly wrapped around your shoulders.

"Dominic?" Your eyes blinked slowly as you came back from wherever your mind had wandered to. You hummed in response, the broken noise the only thing you had said for hours.

"Maybe it's time to go to sleep." I found myself whispering, as if I would startle you if my words were too quick, if they were too loud. Fearing if I spoke in slightly the wrong tone you would jump up and run away, leaving me alone to my thoughts.

Normally I would make you get up, make you move. I hated sitting like this in your room Dominic, watching you slowly submit to the endless waves of darkness crashing over your mind like there was no other option. You looked so fragile beneath me Dominic. You looked so tired.

You shook your head no, but wrapped your arms tighter around me as your body finally hit the wall of fatigue your mind caved into days ago. I looked down at you then, watching as you crumbled from the inside out. As I held you one of my hands moved down to intertwine with yours, your fingers falling loosely between mine. I wanted to help you Dominic, if only there was something I could do.

I tightened my grip around your hand, my head resting just on top of yours. I found myself picking out each blond hair woven into your head, counting them as I know they will soon be gone. That was the first thing you asked me when they told you that you would have to start treatment. You asked me if I would still love you if you were ugly. If I would still love you when you were bald and sick and dying. Of course I said yes, Dominic, how could I not?

You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, Dominic, damaged or not, broken or not. I want to tell you this, whisper it in your ear as you fall asleep so that it follows you in your dreams, but I don't. I tell you "I'm here," instead- I hope you understand why- as you close your eyes for the first time in a week. I watch the rise and fall of your chest find a familiar pattern as you finally allow yourself to rest. I'm tired too, Dominic. Hell, I'm exhausted, but I don't tell you that. I never will because there's just not enough time.

I tried to ignore the first shrill bark breaking the silence that had consumed your room, allowing you to sleep. I found myself praying as the second, third, and fourth started breaking the wall we had managed to build, blocking the world out. I was begging as I lost count, pleading, bargaining my soul when others joined in, a mix of high and low howls the beginning of your somber song.

You opened your eyes slowly, your whole body obviously screaming for you to go back to sleep. I told you to, Dominic, but I knew once you had woken up that your mind would start racing again, crawling into all the dark possibilities that plagued your head, and then you wouldn't be able to go back to the freedom of your dreams. You were a slave to yourself, Dominic. I would do anything to take your place. Anything.

Your eyes met mine seconds before it started, and we both knew what was wrong. I saw how scared you were. It scared me too, Dom. I grabbed you your washcloth and handed it to you as you started hacking, coughing, choking. I rubbed your back, trying to calm you down as you started wheezing between each cough. You were so sick, Dominic, I was so sorry.

The pause between each fit grew smaller until I thought you would suffocate, your body giving in to the disease, but it stopped then, the cancer giving you a break for once.

Your shaking hands dropped the clock away from your mouth, as you attempted to breathe again. Each breath sounding more ragged that the last.

I ignored the path of blood staining your chin as I pulled you closer to me, your sobs thick and broken between your wheezy breaths. I held you like that, Dom; held you until your chest heaving, nose leaking, repetitive cries calmed down to quiet whimpers. I sat you in front of me once you had calmed down enough to sit up. My face stayed straight. I had to be calm for you, Dominic. If I was strong you would have someone to fall on.

My eyes met your red puffy ones; your cheeks splotched purple, a patch of blood dried from your mouth to your chin. I parted your thinning hair so that it wasn't covering your eyes, your face completely exposed then. I grabbed a tissue from your bedside table, using it to clean up the blood and snot that had dried on your rosy, swollen face.

You fell back into my arms then, your breath choppy in aftershock. I held you closer as I laid you back down in bed, your body beginning to shake, either from fatigue or fear, I wasn't sure. I closed my eyes, trying to stay calm as my mind raced. We stayed like that, neither of us speaking, your less than rhythmic breathing filling the room.

I wondered what you were thinking then, as we held each other in the tangible silence. My mind was blank as I clung to you, frozen in shock, or something else I didn't understand. I could tell you were thinking though, you were always thinking, the soft pattern of your damp eyelashes fluttering against my shoulder was what gave your secret away.

"Do you remember when we were ten, and you dared me to ask out Juliana?" Your voice was raw as you spoke, and I could practically hear you wincing with each word. I opened my tightly sealed eyes at your words and looked at your beautiful red face, your eyes focused on me, a path of tears dried under them. I wasn't sure why you were asking me, but I nodded, attempting to concentrate on you instead of the memory of how you were minutes ago as it rose up to plague my mind. "And how she told me no because her dad said she couldn't date boys until she was married." I couldn't help but smile despite our situation, your eyes meeting mine in a wordless promise.

Here you were Dominic, laying with me as you cried, laying here with me as you danced with death. Yet somehow, you were comforting me. You were the one making jokes though you could barely talk, though you could barely breathe.

I pressed a soft kiss to your lips then, your salty tears mixing in with mine. "I love you, Dominic." You intertwined your fingers with my own, our sweaty foreheads pressed together so that gray met blue.

Nothing else seemed to matter then, the world we knew fading into the background as I held you in my arms. It didn't matter that your clock was slowly running out, it didn't matter that everything was crashing down on top of us. Nothing seemed to make any sense in that moment except for us. Who we were and who we wanted to be.

"I love you too." And I knew everything would be okay, as long as you loved me, I knew the world would keep turning.

"I'm here because I kept a promise, Dom." I force myself to stand up from the ground, an imprint left behind from the spot I had chosen beside you. "You made me promise I'd never do the things you did to yourself, never punish myself like you did, but I'm here to tell you at this point my promise is the only thing stopping me." I kept my eyes on the ground, unable to look at you as I spoke. "I'm just so mad, Dominic. Mad at the world, mad at you." I hated talking to you this way Dominic. I wish I didn't have to. "Everything just feels so numb, like time's frozen without you here, and I think maybe if I can make myself feel something again, maybe, things will thaw out and the clock can start ticking again." I kept my eyes on the ground as I spoke, knowing you would curse the words leaving me mouth, punish me for days because I said them as if you were still here. I turned my back on you then, the silence of the world around me a dull roar in my ears as I started following the footsteps I took to meet you here.

I made my way quickly to my car, the world seeming to shift as I walked. Reality hitting me hard as I realized I couldn't go back, and that you really were gone. And no amount of screaming, or yelling, or crying could change that. No amount of pretending could be turned into reality.

It was so strange, Dominic. I hadn't shed a single tear since you died, I hadn't been able to, not even when everyone had been watching, when I should have. But, once I sat down in my car, once no one could see me, I felt myself shatter just like everyone had been waiting for me to do, just like I knew I would. I'm broken Dominic, I've ripped myself in two trying to decide how to take the next step, and I don't know how to put myself back together without you here.