I wanna be your lover.
I don't wanna be your friend.
You don't know what you got til it's gone my dear... so tell me that you love me again.
I wanna be your lover.
Baby, I'll hold my breath.
You don't know what you got til it's gone my dear... so tell me that you love me again.
A vibration buzzing on the table next to her, like an annoyed rattlesnake, awoke Elena from her slumber. Her eyelids fluttered open in surprise at the noise next to her and as her memory of the night before came flooding back into her mind, she realized she was in Damon's room and the events that took place hours before happened and not a hot dream she dreamt up from deep within her subconscious.
Her hand reached out and grabbed the phone still ringing on the wood table next to her, hoping the movement wouldn't wake up the blue-eyed vampire next to her. The one thing she didn't need was for Damon, her ex, wake up so they could have the awkward post break up sex talk. She definitely wasn't looking forward to that. She squinted her eyes, staring at the screen, quietly sighing in frustration when it was a reminder for Jeremy's parent teacher conference. Yet another thing she didn't have time for, nor wanted to go do at the moment.
Her hands clenched around the phone in her hands; mentally screaming in anger before she laid the phone back down on the table, taking a breath.
She slightly turned her head, telling herself it was just to make sure Damon was still sound asleep and not because she loved staring at him while he was sleeping. He was just so innocent being completely oblivious to the outside world, nothing like the Damon he shows off on the daily.
His back was turned, the toned muscles of his back showing from the morning sunlight. Her eyes traveled down his spine, her memories of the night before coming back in hot flashes until her hazel orbs reached the expensive, white sheet covering his waist and everything below it.
She silently cursed herself for staring at him and reminded herself how wrong it was, as much as it still felt so right. And, she couldn't stay in his bed, continuing to look over everything she already memorized and act like the world didn't exist. She couldn't do that anymore. And, she didn't want too. Not to mention she had to get to her old high school to see Jeremy's teachers. It wasn't in any way a good idea to stay here, especially when he woke up. It didn't matter that they had sex. She had a moment of weakness, that she often had when he was around. She didn't dare say she couldn't help it because it wouldn't be true. She let these distractions and moments of weakness happen.
But, she refused to let it happen anymore. They were bad for each other. Damon was right.
With each thought her mind became clearer and more resolute, as if the growing physical distance between them had now become an emotional chasm. As the nascent sunlight caressed her skin, promising a new dawn, a new beginning, she tried to entombed her memories of him in thick walled ice.
She had invented every excuse for staying. She must admit, she got pretty creative overtime making excuses for his behavior when he only kept giving her more reason to leave. And she still tried to ignore them, like a lovesick fool; like a drug addict dying from an overdose. His thoughts were always a strange ocean to her, even when she thought she had understood. Should she speak of them and see the wandering begin in his eyes; his desire to flee the conversation written on his face? His thoughts were guarded, hardly ever letting an unconsidered word escape his lips - and this he thinks of as self-control.
In a way it is, but the effect is to leave her on the outside, rarely granting a glimpse of where his emotions really lie and the depth behind them. She knew the reason why he held that door closed for so long, even to her, but she needed more and not just his expressed affections for her. He needed to hold that door open more often and not always slam it shut and kill when they started to get somewhere or when he was hurt. That was the only way she could think to ever resolve this, if it could be. Nothing he had done could ever be reversed. All the lives he had taken out of anger, pain and heartbreak could never be given back or restored to those innocents he took in vain.
He needed to grow and learn. Without her.
But, a part of her didn't care if they were toxic together or not. A part of her loved that she had changed because of him, even if it wasn't for the better. Something shifted inside whenever he was around. It excited her. Just as it always had. Only now, she couldn't keep those growing feelings down any longer and for a while, she didn't want too anymore.
But, it was complicated, messy and toxic. And those were only the icing on the cake.
It was real, though.
It's unconditional and life changing. He had spoken to her in a way no one else could ever do. As much as she didn't want to believe it, a love as deep and real that they have, could win and fight against everything. She once thought that was what she had with the younger Salvatore. But, in all seriousness, what she had with Stefan couldn't compare to what she had with Damon. And, she couldn't make a past and present to one another, especially when they were so different in every aspect. She knew what she had with Stefan was what people would call puppy love but to them it was love, not matter what it was called. Pure, romantic and stable love. Exactly everything she needed and hoped for after her parents died. But, deep down it wasn't anything she had wanted, even though she had fooled herself into believing it for so long. She had never wanted a relationship like that as a child. She wanted exactly everything she had with the elder Salvatore, just never knew about. She had watched on screen couples from movies have electricity, passion, unconditional love and off the walls chemistry. Everything she had with Damon. But, when the cruel reality snatched the two people she loved since birth right in front of her eyes, she had only ever wanted normalcy. Especially since no one else had known what it felt like to lose your parents at the same time, let alone even one at once. It was too much. So, she settled. A broken promise she made to herself as a teenager.
Stefan would always hold a place in her heart, no matter what happened. At the time, she was looking for a fresh start and just wanted to feel again and he gave her that. He wasn't just her first love or an epic love as Caroline liked to say, it was more than that. He had taught her what love had felt like and what love was supposed to feel like, nothing she had ever experienced with her childhood best friend. And, she not only craved that but adored it. She wanted to keep it close to her heart and lock it away forever, until reality set in once again and she had turned into a monster. Then, the world had shifted before her eyes. She could feel the love for Stefan vanish with each passing day as the love she hide for Damon grew.
They were rushed and jumped into a relationship before they knew what happened. She knew that was part of the problem. But, just as Stefan had, Damon gave her a new light on her start as creature of the night. When she had felt everyone turn their backs on her, she only leaned on him further and finally pushed those feelings out onto the surface. Damon didn't just make her feel alive but okay. Something that Stefan hadn't been able to do in months.
But, even though there were plenty of pros that came with loving Damon and being loved by him, she couldn't continue to ignore the cons. Did she want to hang onto a relationship that continuously hurt both of them and turned the both of them into worse versions of themselves? No. Did she want to always worry about what he would do next or if he would snap and kill someone again? No. She couldn't live like that. She had thought he left that behind when they started dating, but she had been proved wrong time and time again and she chose to ignore the signs.
She loved him enough to let him go. And, that's exactly what she was going to do. He had no other choice but to accept that. What they felt for each other no longer mattered, it wasn't healthy and it wasn't carefree like it once was. The sex was heavenly, hot and everything she loved but she couldn't live on it nor did she want too. And, she couldn't let it control her any longer.
She didn't know whether she was completely closing any type of relationship out besides friendship, but it was what she needed to do for the moment. She wasn't worrying about the future right now. Right now, she needed to do what's best for her.
She finally turned her head away after what it seemed lime hours, and sat up, biting her lip, hoping the action wouldn't wake him and froze when a deep, raspy voice filled the room.
"Morning, sunshine."
His voice sent shivers down her spine, licking her lips subconsciously when she felt his eyes on her naked back. Those two words were enough to make her want to do it all over again and continue making mistakes.
She turned her head, finally gathering the courage to face him. "Oh, um, did I wake you?"
She had hoped it had just woken up randomly and not because she might have slipped out a few words that was roaming inside her head. That would be a disaster in itself.
"Nope. I've been up or three hours."
Three hours? He has been lying there for three hours? Doing what? Listening to her breathe?
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion before grabbing her bra and slipping it on her arms. "Really? You haven't said a word." she stated, trying to make small talk as long she could before she could leave. She honestly didn't care to know why Damon had been awake for three hours and hasn't moved an inch since she'd been awake. She couldn't start asking questions and getting involved again. It would only make it harder for the both of them.
She heard him flip on his side, completely facing her back from the shifted weight on the bed. She could feel his eyes watching her every movement, burning a hole through her soul as she finally clipped on her bra.
"Neither did you."
He was right. She didn't say anything nor planned too. Why would she? They've already said everything they needed to say last night. She didn't dare make the excuse that she was sleeping because Damon always knew when she woke up, even after her transition so telling him otherwise would only be a lie.
Elena stood from the bed and grabbed her ripped shirt and panties, quickly putting them on; trying to keep her eyes off the man on the bed.
"That's because I didn't have much to say, or anything at all. Nothing's changed. We're still bad for each other, and we're still broken up."
She still didn't know if it was the truth or even if it was what she really wanted and regretted her words the moment they left her lips, but she couldn't act like she wasn't angry and hurt and done for the moment. She couldn't continue to let it slide anymore.
Sure, they had sex but it didn't mean anything. People have sex all the time. It was break up sex, nothing more. Not real sex or even making love like real lovers or a real couple. No feelings or attachments. At least, that's what she trying to tell herself but she still didn't quite believe it.
"Last night was a mistake." Elena confessed, sighing when she couldn't find her jeans. She couldn't remember where she or more specifically where Damon had thrown them last night. It was so rushed and hot she never cared to know where he clothes had landed or what was left of them.
She heard Damon make a sound from behind her, drawing her attention back to the bed and spun around, silently gasping when she saw he had switched positions on the mattress on his stomach, only a foot away, her blue jeans on his hand.
She faked a smile, trying to hide her obvious arousal and reached for them. The second her hand touched the jeans, his free hand clasped around her wrist to stop her momentarily from pulling away. Her hazel eyes shot up to his, hoping he wasn't going to drag her back on the bed or pin her down under him like she knew he wanted to do.
"Maybe we should keep making mistakes." he suggested, smiling seductively, his voice growing low, coming deep from within his throat, leaving open suggestion open in the air.
His smile was that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that an unexpected warmth rushes right through her and before she knew it, she was smiling right back.
He pulled her closer at the sight. "Big ones." he added.
As he pulled her in even closer, her urge to leave and not jump his bones again started to deteriorate. He was waiting for her next move. She was the one to determine what happened next, just as she always had.
She probably shouldn't have but her smile returned, no doubt giving him more false hope. She had to stop with all the mixed signals.
Her released her hand in the next moment at her look and she quickly pulled away with her jeans so she wouldn't give in and fall into the same pattern they always had.
She made sure they were tightly clasped into her palm so they wouldn't fall. The last thing she needed was for them to slip from her fingers and bend over to give Damon a free show.
Elena all but started jogging to the door, the sexual tension in her body finally starting to relax before Damon suddenly sped up from the bed, appearing right in front of her and blocking the doorway.
"Where do you think you're going, beautiful?" Damon purred, laying his hand on her cheek, warming the spot instantly.
Damn him. He knew she loved when he touched her like that.
She found herself leaning into his palm and closing her eyes at the warmth radiating through her body at the simple gesture.
He removed his hand from her skin, instead running his index finger across her jawline, leaving a trail of fire until he reached her chin. He tilted it up at him as her eyes fluttered open, countless emotions swirling around in them. But, only one stood out and only one matted to him.
Love.
"Damon," she warned, silently telling him not do anything stupid but still parting her lips in anticipation.
As his crystal orbs continued looking over every feminine feature he already memorized, she pulled away before anything more could happen.
He looked up, snapping out of his thoughts from the movement and squinted his eyes at her when she tucked her hair behind her ears, looking down at the floor.
He already knew her brain was running a mile a minute, talking herself out of everything she wanted to take and talking herself into running away. He wouldn't be surprised if she had a speech prepared about how wrong they were and they both needed to let go before anything else bad happened or before they drug each other deeper.
But, he wasn't fooled. That was all excuses and bullshit. They weren't bad for each other. They made mistakes together just as every other couple had that ever existed but she was mixing that with fear. That is the reason she was trying to run.
"Where are you trying to go now?" he asked, remembering her all but running to get out of his door.
She responded immediately, like a robot. Like she had already rehearsed it inside her head. "It's Jeremy's parent teacher conference today. I have to go. Remember, this had been planned for months."
"Of course, I remember. I was the one supposed to go today because you were at Whitmore. Do you remember?"
She sighed, running her fingers through her tangled hair.
"Yes, Damon. I do. But, the point is I'm going."
"No, you're not."
She scoffed, raising her eyebrows. "And, why not?"
"Because you just gave me the best night of my existence, not to mention the sex was mind-blowing. You can't' just do that and act like we're still broken up or that you actually want that to happen. I will be damned if you walk through that door acting like none of the just happened. Didn't you listen to me last night? You're mine. And, any little notion you have flying around in that beautiful head of yours about us is most likely not true. Stop overthinking. You're only creating problems that aren't there. We both know last not wasn't a mistake, despite what you want to believe Elena. You can fool yourself but you can't fool me. Last night wasn't only hot and amazing but everything you wanted to happen. If you were so dead set on leaving me and breaking up, last night wouldn't have happened. And, I want you to admit it."
She didn't know what to say. He knows he's got her right where he wants her.
"Okay, fine. Maybe I did want last night to happen and yes, the sex was amazing but my mind isn't changed, Damon. I did mean what I said last night. We're bad for each other. Toxic remember? This can't happen again. We can't happen again."
She regretted the words the moment they left her lips, partially because they weren't true but because the second they reached Damon's ears, his blue orbs turned dark, almost black.
She emitted a tiny gasp when she noted the familiar glazing over in his eyes. It's like she's just enchanted him, ensnaring him with her gaze. She sensed him squirming with desire from here and then the scent of his cologne in the room drifts in through her nostrils, a scent she was quickly becoming addicted to all over again. A tingling sensation disrupts her ruse and the tables turn. She was now caught in his web. This game of desire is intoxicating. He was well passed voracious and so close to famished.
He backed her up onto the wall and she held up her hands at him. "Damon." she warned again as her hands pressed against his chest at how close he was. "Don't."
His hands snaked around her waist, ignoring her pleas, pushing her back close to him until their lips were inches apart. She sighed and pulled out of his arms.
"Damon, I'm serious. I have to go. Please don't do this."
A gasp escaped her lips when she realized he was naked and she quickly turned her head before her fantasies could run wild in again. How could she not realize he was naked? She had been too caught up in trying to leave that she didn't notice he was completely naked!
His raised eyebrow that she was screwed, but then a lightbulb lit up in her brain.
She walked over to him and pulled his face down, smashing her lips to his. He kissed back, but was shocked to see she was dominating him and taking charge. The heat that radiated from the kiss seemed to travel through her veins, warming her body. They held it for a few seconds, before their lips began to move in perfect sync, slowly, cautiously. She exhaled through her nose, not wanting to let go. His hands cupped her face as her entire body had been taken over by the overwhelming feeling of relief, combined with eccentric panic, and lust. He moved his hands from her face to the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her long, dark chocolate hair, lightly pulling her into him, adding more pressure to their lips, deepening the kiss.
She suddenly let go and pulled her lips away, running out of the door and only reaching the steps before a hand wrapped around her wrist, yanking her into a hard chest.
"Are you serious, Elena?! You're really doing all of this just so get away from me? A conference is more important than me? More important than us? You can throw around any words you want and say we're bad for each other all you want! I know it's not true and you know that too! It's just some stupid thought going around in your head so you take the easy way out again! You know It's true and you know we're not over! I'm the one for you. No one else. We are soulmates! Yes, I know we've fucked up a lot and we're messed up and even toxic at times but we're real! And, we love each other. You can't throw all that away and I refuse to let you. You can walk out of the door and say we're done all you want but we both know that's a lie. So, go ahead! Go! Leave! Since that's all you ever want to do!"
He let go of her body and turned his back to walk back up the stairs, his anger boiling from the woman he loves actions. How could she do this to him? How can she let her fears ruin them again? Hadn't she learned from the last time? Or, was he wrong and she really was done with him because of all the times he fucked up?
"Wait."
His ears perked up at the sound of her voice and he turned around, meeting her conflicted gaze.
"What?" he snapped, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.
She sighed and took a step closer to him on the stairs, crossing her arms like a pouting child.
"Damon," she paused, gathering her thoughts. "I don't always want to leave and it hurts to hear you say that you think I do. I never wanted to leave you. It's not like I planned it or just said to myself 'hey, I think it's time for me to leave Damon.' Because that's not what happened." he scoffed, showing his obvious disagreement. "Don't be mean, Damon. Just listen. Please."
He pressed his lips into a thin line but stayed silent waiting for her to continue.
"You know that I love you, or at least you should know. And, I'm not doing any of this because I'm tired of you or that I'm not in love anymore because I am, It's just... I can't handle all this negativity anymore. It always seemed to me like the moment we got together everything got worse. I don't mean that we were the direct cause of it but I did think it had something to do with it. And, after the break up, things only went downhill. I can't do this anymore. You promised e you would stop trying to kill innocent people because your mad or hurt. You promised me-"
"I know, Elena!" Damon yelled over top of her. "Don't you think I know that?"
She licked her lips and continued, ignoring Damon. "I don't know about the future right now. All i can think about is now and what I need to do for us. If we're not breaking up, then we need to start over. We have to better versions of ourselves for us. I love you and I know you love me but is that enough?"
His response was immediate. "Of course, it's enough. Do you not remember all those times where love saved us and made us stronger? Our love?"
"I do but-"
"There's no buts, Elena. We love each other and that's all we need. That's all we've ever needed."
Elena nodded and finally looked up, meeting his gaze. "So, we're going to try?"
"We're going to try." he agreed, smiling.
She giggled before slightly gasping. "But, I really do need to go to Jeremy's conference."
Damon chuckled and nodded. "Alright. I'll see you there in a few, baby."
"Bye!"
"Bye."
Again, babe, again.
Again, babe, again.
You don't know what you got until it's gone my dear so tell me that you love me again.
Eh, not my best but I'm still satisfied with it. I hope you all enjoyed! My inspiration is finally back and I've been writing the past few days which I'm so happy about. Tell me what you all think below! Love you all! And, the song is "Again" by Noah Cyrus.
P.S. I want to write Ana and Christian too. I won't be abandoning Delena but I would be lying if I said I didn't fall in love with Ana and Christian too after seeing FSOG last week. Do you all think I would do good with them? Do you all like Ana and Christian too? Would you read a oneshot/story about Ana and Christian if I wrote it? Let me know! I'm planning on having a one shot about them out by this week. Bye!