The Way It Has To Be
Gwen glanced around the room again, she felt that she would go mad. Weeks of being confined within these walls was making her tetchy. Arthur was away with his knights on another quest and in his absence Agravaine's eyes followed her everywhere, watching, listening. She was feeling suffocated and she longed to get out. She longed for her days as Morgana's maid, when at least she had some purpose instead of the endless waiting that she was forced to endure. All she had to do was wait, wait and hope, hope that they would all would return safely, hope and remember. Remember him.
Feeling a sudden chill she wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders, she tried to concentrate on something of purpose. She didn't want her thoughts to stray. She knew where they would go. Where they always went when she could not find something, anything to occupy her thoughts. The pain was snapping at her, like a wild animal, ready to strike the moment she wasn't occupied. She straightened her back, and went to get a bucket filling it with water and bringing it back to the great hall. She placed her shawl over the back of a chair, leaned down to get the brush from the bucket. She knelt down and began to scrub the floor. She found the rhythm soothing, the concentration of attending to the removal of the stains from the floor, calming. She lost herself in the task and lost track of time until she saw a pair of boots to the side of her.
"Guinevere"
The voice was impatient
She reluctantly raised her head to look up at Arthur's uncle
This disapproval was written all over his face. Gwen sighed waiting for the lecture that would no doubt follow.
Gaius' kind voice was a welcome relief as he appeared
"Guinevere, do you have a moment, I really need your help"
Gwen smiled up at Gaius "Of course"
"Excuse me" she directed at Agravaine as she gathered her shawl.
She saw Verica and stopped her to ask if she would be so kind as to get some help to finish the task she had started in the Great Hall. The girl nodded shyly and rushed off to get help. She then continued down the corridors to Gauis' rooms. She knocked on the semi open door and peered around it. Gaius looked up from stirring a strange concotion.
"Ah Gwen"
"Gaius" Gwen replied warmly
"I thought you might have needed a reason to excuse yourself"
"Thank you. Is there anything that I can do?"
Gaius looked about to protest
"Please" Gwen pleaded
Noting the hint of sadness and desperation in her demeanour and voice, Gaius nodded
"Of course, I can always use help when Merlin is away. Would you chop those leaves for me please? I need them for a potion later"
Gwen smiled gratefully
"Gaius" Gwen began haltingly "Would you teach me?"
"I do not teach. What is it you wish to increase your knowledge in?"
"Potions, healing. I want to be of some use, know something that could help make a difference"
Gaius smiled warmly
"Guinevere, I would gladly assist you in increasing your knowledge in those areas. I do not teach, I merely advise and pass on my knowledge, recommend reading so …"
"Perfect." Gwen interjected "We have an agreement then, would you allow me to help and assist you?"
"Of course, it would be a pleasure"
Gwen beamed. She spent the rest of the day watching Gaius, asking questions and immersing herself in the world of potions and healing. After many hours of working together, Gaius turned towards Gwen and smiled
"Thank you for your help Gwen, I think we have achieved everything for today"
Gwen surveyed the room
"I think that we should tidy up don't you?"
"Well of course, I was going to but I'm not sure Arthur would not approve of me asking for your assistance"
"Well, he is not here to offer an opinion, besides it's not like I'm a stranger to cleaning, is it?"
"Guinevere, is everything alright?"
Gwen nodded
"Yes, it's just I'm not ashamed of who I am yet people seem keen to …." She searched for the words
"forget who you are?" Gaius queried softly
Gwen nodded in agreement and met Gaius' kind eyes. A look of understanding passed between them and Gwen felt comforted. She grinned "Let's clear up and then perhaps you would be so kind as to recommend some reading?"
"Of course"
Gwen left some time later carrying some books and careful not to be seen, made her way to her house in the lower town. Arthur had assigned some chambers in the castle for Gwen to stay in whilst he was away but Guinevere preferred to rest in her own home. It was hers after all and she somehow did not feel at ease with Agravaine prowling about the castle.
She leaned on the door, closing it and sighed in relief.
She was home, surrounded by all her familiar things and the mask she had been wearing began to slip. She no longer had to force smiles and pretend that nothing when wrong when everything had changed. The day Arthur and the knights had returned from the Isle of the Blessed, one less in number, the proud white horse missing his rider. She shook her head to dispel the images of the sombre group that had returned, remembered the initial feeling of relief when the shrieking no longer filled the night air.
They had disappeared as swiftly as they had begun, the white mists that had killed so many, had just vanished. Days later, the sound of shouts from the guards that the king had returned, she had smiled and gone to the window to watch them arrive. She had stood straining until she had seen Arthur and Merlin ride slowly into view, had felt confusion at the fact that they weren't smiling. She tried not to let her thought go back there. Back to when the rest of the knights with the same stone like expression had come into view, with one exception. She felt her stomach drop. It didn't make sense. She had rushed down the stairs in disbelief, the dread in her stomach unsettling her. She had seen the back of the knights disappear down a corridor, a solitary Merlin stood stock still his head bowed clutching a sword and red cape in his hands. She had raced to his side and said his name whilst touching his shoulder. He had raised his face, his eyes looking at her but not seeing anything in front of him, the blankness in his eyes and absence of his usual cheerful smile sent a chill through her.
Gwen placed her hands over eyes, rubbing them hard but the memories had begun, the images seemed etched everywhere she looked. She couldn't stop them. She couldn't pause them. They were on everything that she looked at. She shivered with cold and wrapped her shawl tighter around her and stumbled to the fire. Mercifully it lit quickly, she knelt back waiting for it's heat to warm her and take the edge off the memory of Merlin's blank face.
He had opened his mouth to speak but no sound had come out. His arms started to shake, like the weight of what he was holding in his hands was too much to bear. She had placed a hand on his arm and they had both moved in a screaming silence to where he and Gauis could usually be found. Merlin had fallen onto a stool and had placed the cape and sword reverently on his lap, unable to take his eyes from them. She remembered the confusion, like a heavy fog, clouding her thoughts as she too had sought out a stool. Gauis entered and had come to sit near them as Merlin had taken deep breaths before raising his eyes again. Merlin's small broken voice had choked out that Lancelot had repaired the veil by sacrificing himself as she had shaken her head trying to deny what she was hearing. The confusing fog had made her unable to utter a word, she had kept trying to form the words but her mouth and brain were not co-operating. She remembered Gaius' kind, calm voice attempting to soothe Merlin, advising him that he should rest as he must be tired. They had continued to sit there shell shocked and had only moved when the sky had darkened to an inky blue. She remembered the chills intensifying, as if a hand had snatched all warmth from the world, it had invaded every part of her.