Circle of Trust

A Lost Counselling Service

Session 1: In Which Death Sucks

The lights of a cheap, nasty set, resembling Jacob's cabin, reveal a set of chairs arranged in a circle. The chairs are filled with people who appear moody, cross and/or furious. A woman walks calmly in, her hair in a tight bun and her eyes a steel grey. She means business. A label on her jacket reveals her name is Carletta Stiles.

Carletta: Hello, welcome to the Island's own counselling session. I'm your...what shall we call it?...friend who is here to support and advise you. My name is Carletta. First, can everyone introduce themselves.

Sawyer: Like we have a choice. Ok, I'll go first. *stands up* Hi, I'm Sawyer. You call me by any other name and I'll kill you.

Kate: *rolls eyes* Quit being dramatic Sawyer. Just sit down and shut up!

Sawyer: Do you mind?! *turns to Carletta* Did you see that obvious bit of bullying there? It's a classic case of her own frustration at her sad past being forced out on others. *sits down and sticks tongue out at Kate*

Kate: *bangs head against nearest object, which happens to be Jack* Idiot. Hello, I'm Claire...no Kate...no Libby...ARGH! WHAT THE HECK IS MY NAME?

Everyone but Sawyer: KATE!!

Sawyer: Freckles *sniggers*

Carletta: Okaaay. Hi Kate, hi Sawyer. Thanks for your...erm...lovely introductions. Next?

Jack: LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE. I mean *coughs nervously*, I'm Jack. I'm a doctor.

Carletta: *purrs*

Kate: Excuse me? Did she just purr? At MY man? *growls*

Claire: *hastily interrupts before a vicious fight occurs* I'm Claire Littleton. So far, the only person who's mentioned a last name.

Sawyer: Like that really matters, Mamacita. We're supposed to be in therapy, playing happy families.

Charlie: Leave her alone! You...you...MUPPET! *turns to Carletta* I'm Charlie Pace by the way.

Sawyer: Yeah...naming me after a bunch of cushion shaped puppets ain't exactly an insult, Chucky. Even Rambina over here could do better.

Ana: That's right bitch! *glares at everyone* I am tough, mean and if I say jump, you say? *silence* Ok, be like that. Bitches. *Sulks*

Carletta: Ok, forget about introductions. This is getting us nowhere. Do you know why you are here?

Michael: Ooh, pick me!! Pick ME! It's because of WALLLLLTT!

*A moment occurs when everyone simultaneously turns to stare at him, completely bewildered at his behaviour. Sawyer takes advantage of this moment to steal Jack's wallet*

Carletta: *scratches head* No. You're here because I've been receiving complaints from the Lost team that there's some...problems. For example, last week the lost writers received a letter saying that they sucked and should go die for killing off the good guys.

Boone: WOOO! All my idea! *high fives the rest of the 'dead crew'*

Carletta: Ok, let's address that issue. Who here has been killed of or is about to be killed off?

*Charlie, Boone, Libby, Ana, Eko, Shannon, Alex, Danielle and Karl raise their hands. Kate raises hers, then lowers it.*

Kate: I'm sorry, I was too busy unsubtly flirting with Sawyer. Could you repeat the question?

Jack: Ka-aa-te! *whines* I don't think the pretty lady is talking about us. Do you wanna make out until she is?

Sawyer: Freckles, if you say yes I swear to God...

Kate: Ok!

*Kate and Jack start making out, much to the disgust of everyone else*

Carletta: Ok, who was first to die? *consults list* Ok, Boone. How did you feel being the first main character to die?

Boone: It sucked! Death sucks! You suck!

Carletta: I see. What about you Shannon?

Shannon: What's a four letter word for I don't care?

Sayid: Shannon, you don't care that you don't get anymore shayid love? What, you just give up on us? WHYYY? *Starts to cry*

Jack: O.M.G! WATER IS LEAKING FROM HIS EYES! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!

Carletta: It's ok, Jack. It's called crying. You should know anyway. Apparently, you do a lot of it. What's with the MSN talk anyway? This is not friggin' computer world!

Locke: The island provided us with computers for all our basic needs. *stares dreamily*

Carletta: (Aside) I knew I should've taken the FRIENDS case. (To everyone else) Ok, we've heard Boone and Shannon's stories. What is your approach on death Ana?

Ana: I don't give a tiny rat's ass to be honest. I was just mega pissed I didn't get some chana action before the end of the show. *Everyone stares* What?

Kate: Who, or what, is Chana?

Charlie: If it's some kind of drug, keep it away from me. I've had more than enough drug experiences to last me a lifetime.

Boone: Me and Charlie are like this *crosses fingers* He's my BFF.

Shannon: Whatever Boone. Like I care, anyway. *starts to cry*

Eko: I just want to point out that I am Mr Eko. I should be questioned next.

Libby: Excuse me! I believe I'm next, seeing as though Carletta is going in a logica-

Carletta: *shrugs* Actually, I'm just making this up as I go along. Mr Eko, you can proceed.

Eko: Thank you. I just want to say that I died in the way deemed suitable for me. In Heaven, life is better. I get to whoop, erm, Charlie at chess.

Charlie: Hell yeah! *high fives Eko*

Kate: Wait a minute. If Charlie plays chess with Eko and he's in heaven...

Sawyer: Oh for *beeps* sake! It didn't take the munchkins of Slowsville too long to figure this out!

Kate: *GASP* It means Charlie's dead too! *cries* How did I miss that?

Ben: Are we Others being included here? I think Richard has some serious issues with death too. He never seems to DIE! That's surely not normal?

Charlie: *In Sawyer's tone of voice* In case you haven't noticed, Captain Killer Bunny, nothing around here is normal.

Sawyer: Ok, A) It's Captain BUNNY killer. B) Who the hell are you to steal my nicknames? and C) Kate is looking mighty fine in that dress. *winks*

Carletta: *sighs* Ok, this is getting us nowhere. I think the biggest complaint came from Charlie. So, talk to us. How did you feel when you were mercilessly eradicated from the show?

Charlie: I wasn't sad about how I died, though I wouldn't have minded sticking around for a *tad* longer. What did bother me was the lack of reaction.

Claire: What do you mean? Me and Hurley cried! I chose to follow Gimpy McCrutch even though he's bald and smells like dead boar all the time!

Sawyer: I wonder if people are aware that they are copyrighting my nicknames and I can sue them at any time? *makes a mental note to hire lawyers*

Charlie: For about ONE friggin' episode! Death sucks, everyone who begins with C sucks and so does Shannon.

Shannon: What's a four letter word for shut the f-?

Boone: Shannon! Language! You're a stupid little bitch, you know that?

Locke: *shakes head* The island isn't happy with this lack of spiritual balance. I may have to become superman and save the day.

Jack: Locke, you just can't-

Locke: *EXTREMELY pissed off* Don't ever tell me what I can't do, Jack!

Jack: Yeah, yeah. *yawns, bored*. This session sucks. I've hardly spoken at all.

Ana: I think that's what makes it a success, actually. *smirks*

Kate: Don't talk to Sawyer like that! *glares until she realises she's said the wrong name* Oops.

Sawyer: Don't apologise. If I'm on your brain 24/7, then I have no objections *grins*

Carletta: This is just totally irrelevant. Can we just leave this whole 'ship business' to next session? Ok? *Everyone nods* Good. Ok, Charlie I'm not done with you yet. How did you feel when Jack revived you from your hanging experience? No one even talked to you about that, did they?

Charlie: *thinks for a long time* No. In fact, I just got ignored! How unfair's that!?

Carletta: Since you obviously need to de-stress a little, I'm going to temporarily ignore everyone else and try a little word association game. Are you game for it?

Charlie: *Shrugs* Sure, why not?

Carletta: Ok. What comes to mind when I say the word 'gun'?

Charlie: Death. *shudders*

Carletta: Good, good. Ok, what about the word 'island'?

Charlotte: THIS PLACE IS DEATH!

Daniel: *rolls eyes* Not good, Charlotte. You've interrupted yet another therapy session!

Miles: *in an eerie voice* I see dead people. *Points at Charlie and laughs hysterically* That dude looks like Kermit the frog.

Charlie: W.T.F PEOPLE? I am trying to de-stress here and you are just distracting me! *stares at new people* Who the heck are you?

Claire: They're the freighter people. Of course, you wouldn't know them because-

Charlie: I swear to God if you say 'because you were dead', I'm kidnapping Aaron again.

Kate: Aw sweet little Aaron. I miss him *cries*

Claire: How dare you! I specifically told my effin father to make sure he stayed on the island! Now everyone thinks I'm dead. Death sucks!

Carletta: So after watching Kate and Jack make out, hearing Ana saying nothing but the word 'bitch' and learning that Boone and Charlie are BFFs the conclusion of this meeting is...death sucks?

Boone, Charlie, Ana, Libby: HELL YEAH, BITCH!

Carletta: *under her breath* Give me strength. Ok, anyone else like to say anything?

Jack: *stands up* Can I swap seats with someone? Sawyer's been giving me the evils and I feel uncomfortable with his bullying.

Ben: Ok, so let me get this straight. I kidnap you, crush your spirits and blatantly lie to you whilst holding your loved one hostage and yet Sawyer gives you one evil look and makes you scared. HOW IS THAT FAIR? *cries on nearest person's shoulders, which just happens to be Juliet's*

Juliet: I know this session is just for the dead but what about the people who are going to be dead if they don't get the hell of my shoulder? *slaps Ben away*

Carletta: Ok, I'm going to have to cancel the rest of my appointments from forever because you people are a bunch of no-hopers! Seriously, you all have issues! *bits lip to stop from screaming at them*

Charlie: If it's any consolation to you Ben, I thought you were scary.

Ben: *sits up hopefully* Really?

Charlie: No...PSYCH! *high fives Boone* See, this is why I shouldn't have been killed off!

Sawyer: Why? Because your obnoxious sense of humour would've changed the entire plot of the show? And I thought Jack was delusional.

Claire: I think he's funny. *smiles at Charlie, who smiles back*

Carletta: *rolls eyes* Ok, I think we should conclude today's session.

Miles: Why? We only just got here! And there's a questionably old man sitting in the corner who keeps smiling at me. SMILING?!

Jack: I think that might be my dad. *starts sniffling* He never loved me!

Sawyer: Yo, Jackass! As you may or may not recall, at the end of Season One, I told you that your daddy loved him and it made you emotional! *sniggers at the memory*

Jack: Oh yeah...

Carletta: Ok, ok. Let's wrap this up people. I've seen way too many issues to cope with in just one session. We'll make the next meeting tomorrow, same time same pace. Ok?

Kate: I don't know. I was planning on trekking through the jungle until I ran into an adventure of some kind. *shrugs* I guess I could push it back.

Sawyer: That's what he said! *whoops and laughs hysterically until he realises no one else is laughing*

Jack: You have a sick, sick mind Sawyer. *Everyone agrees*

The lights go down and Carletta walks away, but in the distance we can hear calls of 'Ya Momma's Fat' followed by screams of outrage and the sound of fists against faces. She rolls her eyes and walks away, praying that things are a lot better tomorrow.

A/N- What do you think? I love writing lost pieces like this. This incorporates character stereotypes so don't be offended if your favourite character is presented as moronic or a sex addict. I just love humorous pieces and I don't mean to advertise but if you like this and have left a review (hinting strongly here) saying how much you like it, feel free to check out my Conman Versus Junkie story.

Next session: In Which Ships Are Bashed

Coming soon to a fanfiction near you! :D