I was bored so I made a fanimx: 8tracks/thegoblinqueen/my-heart-is-gold-and-my-hands-are-cold
This is also posted to AO3 with the same name. Title is from Marianas Trench's Cross My Heart.
Morgana woke with a scream being ripped from her throat, her cries echoing around her bedroom. Her cheeks were wet with the tears she had cried in her sleep, her breathing laboured and her eyes wild and afraid. She didn't understand why she had nightmares but they had started a week before, each one worse than the last. They weren't even nightmares at first, just odd dreams where Morgana lived in a castle with her brother and father. It was strange sure, but not scary. Until they got dark and she had golden eyes and a dark smirk on her bloody lips, where a simple flick of her wrist could send even the strongest men to their graves as she laughed. It was a terrifying thing to see herself as someone so…so evil. It only got worse, she sent people to hurt-even kill-Arthur and Uther causing her to wake up shaking and sobbing.
Her nightmares only got worse when Uther died and Arthur moved closer to her, bringing his friends into her life. They were in her dreams too, knights eternally loyal to Arthur and after her head. She still flinches when they get too close to her, worried they weren't just dreams, hard to tell the difference sometimes. It all bleeds together. Drugs helped sometimes but Morgana was too smart to get addicted to anything hard so she stuck with too many cigarettes and late nights in the pub near her house. The less she slept the less she had to see her brother looking at her with such betrayal, the less she had to see people she knew die, the less she had to see a small raven haired boy with golden eyes and magic strong enough to pull the earth promise to kill her.
She couldn't tell anyone, couldn't let them believe her to be crazy. Sometimes she thought she was crazy, other times she could have sworn she felt the golden hum of her magic under her skin, in her bones. So she told no one, letting them believe instead that she was simply careless with her life
She got a job as a nurse before the nightmares started; she only works night shifts now. She does her best to look put together and she pulls it off more or less, keeping up the air of mystery that Arthur is so used to that he doesn't even bother to try and look beneath it. She feels safe when no one can see beneath her, into her soul. Emrys can, he is too strong and she is so scared.
She pushes away the nightmares and the tears and pulls herself up to take a shower. She might as well get dressed since she won't be able to go back to sleep. She lets the burning water wash away whatever was left in her head, lets her makeup cover her sleep deprived face, and her clothes to cover how she wants to just hold herself and cry. She lets her heels hold her up and she smiles that fake way that Arthur always says makes her look like trouble. No one will bother to ask how she feels when she wears that smile, too afraid. It makes her think of that girl in her dreams but she tries not to dwell on that thought, this is just how she copes, not who she is.
She is supposed to meet Arthur at the pub at 9; she has all day to waste so she went to see Gwen.
000
Merlin pulled on a blue beanie that covered his ears and kept his nest of black hair at bay. Gwaine would tease him about it for sure but Merlin liked it so he trudged out into the winter air and started towards where Gwaine would be staying.
Merlin had met Gwaine in almost every life since Arthur di-no couldn't think that. Each time Gwaine looked a little different but his smile was the same and his eyes still held love for Merlin. Each time they were older at heart and Gwaine had different stories to tell from a life Merlin wasn't a part of. Each time Gwaine left Merlin before he was ready, when he got hit by a car or overdosed or that time Merlin lost Gwaine because the voices in his head become too much for the young knight to handle. Gwaine always died young. Gwaine was never the knight Merlin left behind but sometimes, when Merlin was just high enough, he could see Gwaine wearing armour and laughing in the pub with Lance and Percy. It was painful but it made Merlin smile on those rare moments even if they were just hallucinations.
Gwaine always warmed up to Merlin at first meeting, always laughing and flirting and dragging him along on adventures. Merlin thinks Gwaine was picked to keep being reborn so often because he kept Merlin happy and in trouble, he was good for Merlin, or he likes to believe that's the reason.
This time Gwaine worked at a pub in Dublin when Merlin met him, stumbling into the bar with a huge grin and eyes going to his eternal friend. His magic could always find Gwaine, like a tether wrapped around their hearts that Merlin could feel from thousands of miles away. Best Friends Forever taken to the extreme. Merlin even has a friendship bracelet from the time he met Gwaine when he was 13-Merlin changing his appearance to fit with his friend again. Gwaine made it in red and gold and Merlin liked to think that had some meaning but Gwaine never seemed to think the colours were special, just that he knew Merlin should have them.
Merlin still wears it, hidden under his long sleeves and jackets.
Gwaine lives a few blocks from Merlin after he convinced him to leave home and move to London with him. He always found the other Knights in London. He would live with Gwaine but he didn't think he could handle keeping his place after Gwaine's inevitable death. He needed to keep it for each time he returned to London after finding Gwaine, after starting over together-or alone.
The air was cold and a thin layer of snow had settled on the ground, crunching beneath his feet with each step. Merlin didn't really need all the jackets, he could easily keep warm with his magic thrumming in his veins, but something about the thick coats and the hats made him feel human, normal. Sometimes Gwaine knew him that way, normal Merlin who always wore jackets and long sleeves; other times he knew Merlin as the reckless druggie who showed off his scars with a weary pride, a young boy who had eyes older then time and words stronger then the turn of the earth. He wasn't ready to be that boy again yet, maybe next time round.
"Nice hat, Merls." Gwaine said as a greeting before pulling the warlock into his small flat. Merlin stumbled inside and noticed drawings spread all over the dining room table. Charcoal sketches of Merlin with Arthur, the knights in battle and Morgana crying out. It was a ruff depiction of the last moments they all shared in Camelot. There was a drawing almost ripped in half, as if Gwaine held the paper too tightly, he was dying in Percival's arms with a sad smile on his lips and tears in his eyes. Merlin felt his gut twist before he noticed Gwaine was watching him and pushed away the feelings.
"Getting back into art?" No matter the life Gwaine always loved art, even if sometimes he had given up on it. He had this time much to Merlin's disappointment.
"I didn't mean to but I had such a vivid dream!" Gwaine sounded excited if not confused. "It felt so real that I had to draw it before it was gone."
Merlin stepped closer and looked over the images of Gwen looking so sad with a large crown on her head, a messy drawing of Lance fighting alongside Gwaine and Merlin standing far off with a beard and robe. His heart was thudding dangerously, he hadn't wanted to see, couldn't stand to remember. His whole body shook as he looked down at Arthur drawn in messy black lines, looking at Merlin with that look, the one that always made his heart skip a beat. How Gwaine could capture a look so strong was incredibly breathtaking to Merlin but he couldn't speak to tell him. He couldn't look away from the prince King that Merlin had loved-still loves.
"Merlin?" Gwaine's hand reached out but Merlin flinched away from the touch, instead feeling so cold. "Hey, Merlin?" He sounded scared, unsure, and Merlin wanted to fix it so bad but those drawings were everything he wanted to forget and suddenly everything he was holding at bay was rushing at him full force. Merlin dropped to his knees, a sob pulling itself from his body. The Magic drummed against his skull and Merlin held his head, screaming in agony.
He thinks Gwaine went to call 999 but he couldn't be sure, he could just be calling Leon. They had found Leon wondering the streets of London three weeks ago; the man was so young and fresh out of uni. Merlin had only found Leon a handful of times over the years, usually he was a soldier. Merlin tried to focus on the memories of his life this time round but he couldn't, his head was pounding and his magic was burning and oh gods he could hear Arthur saying goodbye over and over and over...
He doesn't remember anything after that.
000
"Morning," Morgana smiled and pecked Gwen on the cheek before sitting across from her at the small table. Gwen wanted them to eat breakfast out today, Gwen never asked why Morgana was up so early and couldn't stand being alone, the sweet girl just set an alarm and got up too. Gwen would usually make breakfast and watch reality TV until Morgana would tell her she was okay, until she would smile and tell her about whatever plans her brother had going and beg Gwen to come too. She always said yes and Morgana knew it was because of Lance.
"You seem," Gwen paused. "Good."
"I am." Morgana replied simply. "Really, Gwen." She added at her friend's doubtful look. She knew she looked good, better then, she made sure to never leave the house looking anything but flawless. Gwen was the only one who tried to lift the veil, Morgana made sure she never pulled too much away though. Couldn't explain that she tortured Gwen and used her to hurt Arthur and Lance, couldn't explain that she wasn't sure it was just a dream anymore.
"Well, I'm glad." Gwen smiled and Morgana saw her wondering the dirt streets outside the castle, the raven haired boy at her side. She shook it away as fast as it had come. "You worry me sometimes, Morgana. I wish you'd let me help you." The last part was whispered and Morgana swiftly changed the subject.
"Arthur invited me to invite you to Leon's birthday party tonight. We're going to The Rising Sun at 9." Morgana explained between ordering their food.
"I don't know," Gwen started.
"Lance is gonna be there and Leon is inviting some people he met a little bit ago when he first got back from," she waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "Wherever it was he went to uni." Gwen laughed.
"Okay, sure, I'll be there."
"Wonderful." Morgana grinned but couldn't seem to keep the sense of dread from creeping onto her face.
"You sure you're okay, Morgana?" Gwen tried again but Morgana simply waved the question away as their food arrived.
000
Merlin woke up on Gwaine's couch with Leon leaning over him, a worried look on his young face. Leon was a different age each time Merlin met him but he always had the wild ginger curls and a beard at some point or another. He didn't have a beard this time but Merlin could see it growing in. He felt sweaty and hot, too hot, like he had been sitting in a scalding shower for too long and it was making him feel sick.
"You okay, man?" Leon was talking and Merlin was struggling to keep the words in focus. Leon moved away and helped Merlin sit up, handing him water and telling him to drink slowly. "You were out for hours, Gwaine wanted to call the hospital but I told him not to."
"Why?" Merlin croaked. He's glad Leon did, whatever the reason, he didn't want to explain the scars on his arms or the gold in his blood.
"I-uh," Leon looked thoroughly confused and struggled for words. "I don't know, Merlin, I just knew it would be worse if he did."
"Thank you." Merlin pushed everything into those two words so Leon could really know Merlin meant it. He didn't like hospitals, and besides, his magic could take care of him just fine.
"I'm gonna go get Gwaine, he passed out an hour ago. Stress really tires the guy out; no wonder he tries to stay so damn cheerful all the time." And Leon was gone. Merlin wondered why this Leon talked more than the others, more than the original. His brain tried to tell him that this Leon wasn't a soldier, he was young and happy, he didn't have PTSD and a troubled past but damn it was hard for him to listen. His Magic blew Gwaine's drawing all over the room and Merlin could see his past before his eyes. He had to get out of there.
The warlock stumbled out the front door and out into the fresh air. He gasped and pulled air in and out as slow as he could manage. He had gotten so good at controlling his magic but every time he thinks about that war for too long it just overwhelms him and the sparking gold burns. It used to happen all the time after Arthur di-after he lost Arthur-but he had gotten better at stopping it, forcing the burning to simmer. At first it helped to talk to Gwen, she never got jealous or upset about his love for Arthur, she was so kind and even after so long she was still his closest friend. But then he lost Gwen and everyone else so he moved on, the magic tearing him apart like a tornado inside his chest.
So Merlin kept journals, his thoughts and memories recorded as a release. But even that stopped helping after awhile. The only thing Merlin felt was pain-shortly after he lost Gwaine for the 17th time-and so he decided to let the pain win. Merlin cut shallow lines across his wrists, letting the blood drip red and gold on the bathroom floor. He did feel better, sparks of white in front of his eyes that left his mind clear and void of Arthur. But then Merlin needed more and he cut deeper and let the blood drip longer, smiling as the pool swirled down the shower drain. He laughed as his magic burnt out all the lights in the whole building and then screamed when he saw Arthur looking so pale and so fucking disappointed. He cut too deep that time.
Gwaine found Merlin just in time, the poor boy hanging on by a thread. The doctors told Merlin he was lucky. Merlin certainly didn't feel lucky. Gwaine was shaking like a leaf when he drove Merlin home a few days later. Gwaine didn't let Merlin be along for almost three weeks. Merlin stopped cutting after that. No matter how loud the blades called, he promised Gwaine he would stop.
Gwaine died the next month.
Drugs were next on Merlin's list of cries for help. Cries for Arthur.
Merlin walked down the street, arms wrapped around himself. He was cold. Merlin hadn't let the elements affect him in awhile, choosing to just pretend to be cold because he didn't want to feel. But now he was too weak, his magic just a flicker beneath his skin, and the winter air was seeping into his bones and making the boy's teeth chatter.
"You okay, mate?" Merlin was almost three blocks from Gwaine's when he froze. That voice. He turned slowly to look at the man on the corner, he was wearing a large jacket and his hair was longer but it was still him. Lance.
Merlin tried to speak but he found himself unable to. He had only found Lance once since it all went down. Merlin thinks it's because of Lance having died twice but he also thinks it was a punishment for letting down Arthur. Lance was older when Merlin found him, homeless and alone. Merlin had brought him home and fed him; Lance slept for two days and then tried to pay back Merlin somehow. Merlin simply told Lance he wanted nothing but to see Lance get on his feet again, nothing could explain the pure gratitude in the man's eyes.
Gwaine didn't understand how Merlin could just pick up a stranger and take care of them-he would in six years when Merlin finds him in a similar situation. But Gwaine liked Lance and the three were close, like old times, until Gwaine overdosed and then Lance tried to take care of Merlin. Merlin wasn't making it easy on Lance and after awhile Merlin just left, came back three months later with a new tattoo and Freya's phone number. He never did call her.
Merlin walked guiltily into his forgotten apartment, expecting Lance and finding a note instead. Merlin had set it on fire by accident using his magic; he was just so upset, so he can't remember what it said. Couldn't picture the handwriting or even the paper after awhile.
He just knew that Lance was gone, that he was gonna be okay. Lance had written something about Gwaine, something that made Merlin cry so hard that he grew angry and set it on fire. But Lance was still Lance and he still cared about everyone, cared about Merlin. He never heard from Lance again. Never got over the guilt of leaving him, never got over the guilt of letting Gwaine fall so hard either. Guess he never got over the guilt of anything.
"You look like you've seen a ghost." Lance looked worried and oh gods has Merlin missed him. He wanted to hug him, needed to. But Lance doesn't know him, not anymore.
"I think I have." Merlin chuckled, trying to cover his shock with humour.
"You take something?" Lance looked in Merlin's eyes, holding his shoulders.
"Not recently, no." Merlin wondered if Lance was a doctor this time. Lance would make a good doctor.
"Do you have someone to call? You shouldn't wonder around without a coat in this weather." Lance smiled worriedly. "And especially not without shoes."
"I'm okay; I don't feel the cold anymore." Merlin replied easily, forgetting that this wasn't his Lance; this man wasn't a knight who knew about magic or was he a broken man willing to put up with whatever crazy things Merlin said.
"Do you want to come with me? I'm a nurse; I could put you in a bed, look after you." Lance makes a good nurse, Merlin smiles.
"I'm okay, really, just needed air." Merlin shrugged. "You seem like a wonderful nurse."
"Can I walk you home? I really don't wanna leave you out in the cold." Lance seemed so worried and Merlin should get back to Gwaine's before they go out looking anyway.
"Okay." Lance falls into step with the warlock and Merlin feels like something has fallen into place.
"I'm Lance," The knight supplies after they walk for a block in silence.
"Merlin." He looks for recognition on Lance's face but finds nothing, just a spark in his eyes as he smiles.
"Merlin and Lancelot, funny coincidence." He chuckles and Merlin smiles. He wonders if Lance misses Gwen, if Lance has found anyone else. Merlin wants to know who this Lance is.
"Ya, my mom was a fan of those legends." Merlin mumbled the lie he always used, hating how the words felt on his tongue.
"I don't know why my parents picked Lancelot but I like it, just feels right ya know?" Lance shrugged. "Like it was destiny of something." He laughed and Merlin did to because this was Lance and he was talking about destiny.
"Do you believe in that? Destiny?" Merlin asked softly. He liked the sensation of the snow under his bare feet, the soft and wet and cold way that made him feel.
"Of course," Lance answered quickly. "Gwen, my friend, won't stop talking about it. She thinks it's what makes the world spin. And I believe in her so..." Lance blushed and shrugged, looking at how his boots crunched against the snow.
"Gwen?" Merlin could hardly believe it. Lance had found her, without his help or anything, guess it was up to destiny. Merlin really hated destiny but he's also glad it falls on other people. "She seems like more than a friend." Okay so maybe Merlin knew them too well and knew they would never get past friendship without a push.
Lance grinned without seeming to notice, his cheeks pink and hair littered with the slow falling snowflakes. Merlin hadn't noticed it was snowing again. He loved the snow; it was fresh and new and always made him think of the fireplace in Arthur's chambers.
"Come on, Lance, don't make her wait forever. Don't you think hundreds of years are enough?" Merlin laughed like he was kidding and Lance shook his head with a smile.
Merlin wanted Gwen to be happy, he missed her. He had met Gwen lots of times, more than Leon but less than Gwaine. She was always just as beautiful and just as sweet. She was always a teacher and Merlin had wondered how many of those times she found Lance, how many times she married someone else or ended up alone. Merlin never stuck around long enough because Gwaine always died or was pulling on his magic again and Merlin had to go get him or mourn him. Gwen never waited for him to come back and Merlin never expected her to. He'd see her again, of that he was certain.
"Merlin!" It was Gwaine and then he was wrapped in strong arms and surrounded by the smell of muggy nature and fruity shampoo. Merlin always loved the way Gwaine smelled, no matter if he was a city boy or still 13 Gwaine always smelled the same, like a knight who spent too many evenings in bars and too many days in the woods. It was comforting.
"Is he okay?" Lance asked Gwaine. "He was walking around in this weather without shoes." Lance really sounded worried and it warmed Merlin's heart.
"Ya, he's gonna be okay, promise." Gwaine told the stranger before thanking him and leading Merlin inside. He wrapped Merlin in a blanket and made him tea.
"Where's Leon?" Merlin asked after warming up, his magic sizzling and relaxing.
"Went to the bar already, we were supposed to be there 15 minutes ago." Gwaine replied, curling up on the couch beside Merlin.
The act made Merlin think about the one life he gave to Gwaine, the one life he let Gwaine have him the way he always wanted. He was never shy about loving Merlin and Merlin was never shy about telling Gwaine they were just friends; that he was still waiting for his love. Gwaine never pushed or asked anymore, always the best friend and never the lover. So Merlin tried to let go of Arthur one time, tried to fall in love with Gwaine but he was never whole, Gwaine didn't fix the hole Arthur had left. Merlin loved Gwaine just not the same way. Gwaine tried to play his heartbreak off as a joke but Merlin watched him go back home nearly four months after finding him. He got invited to the funeral 6 months later.
"We should go." Merlin said.
"Merlin you just had some kind of episode an hour ago, you are not going drinking." Gwaine replied seriously.
"Trust me Gwaine, drinking is exactly what I need right now."
"Merlin,"
"Gwaine, you love me drunk so let's go." Merlin stood up and held out his hand for Gwaine.
"I love you sober too." Gwaine grinned and took Merlin's hand, letting the warlock pull him off the couch and almost out the door. Gwaine pulled back and Merlin frowned at him.
"What?"
"Shoes, Merls."
"Oh, right!"
000
Morgana walked into the pub with Gwen beside her and a burning in her stomach. She needed a drink and a smoke, drink first. Arthur was sitting in a booth with Lance, the two laughing about something. Gwen grinned and led Morgana over to the boys, sliding into the booth first so she could sit beside Lance.
"Hello brother dear." Morgana smiled at Arthur.
"Step," Arthur loved to point that out and each time was a stab to her heart. Perhaps she deserved it though.
"Where's Leon?" Gwen asked.
"Getting drinks." Arthur pointed to the birthday boy at the bar, talking to the ridiculously large bartender. Morgana recognized the man from her dreams but shoved the thought away; she took away his love too.
"And his friends? The secret ones?" Morgana asked.
"He said one of them passed out or something, they might not come." Lance explained, eyes on Gwen. Morgana rolled her eyes, would the man ever just ask her out?
"Morgana, Gwen, you came!" Leon greeted them happily as he placed three beers on the table.
"Happy Birthday!" Gwen grinned and Leon smiled back.
"Ya, Happy Birthday old man." Morgana laughed and pecked him in the cheek when he sat beside her. She was always fond of Leon, the only one of Arthur's friends who didn't act like a child despite his age. Leon was mature and Morgana appreciated that.
"You're one to talk, Morgana." Arthur smirked at her and Leon chuckled.
"Be careful brother, don't want me to knock you off your high horse now would you?" She smiled like she had the power to kill him right there, and maybe she did. "You turned 30 last year, remember?"
Arthur frowned and rolled his eyes."You're closer to 40 then I am."
"Play nice, you two." Gwen glared them down until they both agreed reluctantly.
"Hey, are your friends okay?" Morgana turned to Leon, concern etched into features.
"I hope so; I should probably call them..." Leon pulled out his phone only to smile. "Hey he texted me, they're on their way."
"Wonderful!" Gwen said and the entire table smiled. Something about Gwen being happy just made the others happy; she was a bright ball of sunshine that pulled the others into her happiness.
Morgana could most certainly feel something thrumming through her veins, running under her skin, burning her muscles and yet it was soothing. A reminder of a time when she was a Queen, when she turned everything upside down with just a thought. But it was also a reminder that nature grew in her heart, that she could make the flowers grow and the sun shine. She could cause storms and chaos just the same as she could bring out the sun and keep the world turning. Morgana was a Queen, of what was up to her.
"Leon!" They all turned to see a man in faded jeans and holding hands with a shorter man with raven hair and a red scarf. They made their way towards the round table and Morgana's eyes went wide.
"Merlin?" Morgana didn't mean to say his name out loud but when he smiled at her she knew he still remembered her, that they weren't just dreams.
"You've met?" Leon asked.
"Ya," Merlin replied, eyes on Morgana. "A long time ago."
"What a second, you're the guy I found walking without shoes!" Lance pointed out and Gwaine laughed.
"That would be me." Merlin smiled at Lance. "Not sure how I didn't notice. Thanks for walking me home though."
"Ya, no problem. You okay now?"
"Ya, course, Gwaine promised after all."
"Well, take a seat and drink with us." Arthur offered and Merlin froze, eyes wide and body shaking.
"Arthur?" He looked over and Arthur was just the same as he always was, sure he was dressed in modern clothes but he was the same. He had that stupidly confused look on his face and his eyes were still the same colour of forget-me-not blue. He was still Arthur.
"Sorry, have we met?" and that hurt more than anything else he could have said.
"Guess not," Merlin gestured to the door. "I'm gonna go get some air, I'll be back."
"I'll join you." Morgana followed Merlin outside and they leaned against the stone wall together. Merlin pulled a spliff from his pocket and lit it with just a look. Morgana wasn't surprised he still held all the magic he had before.
"You're still here, we all are. I don't understand." Morgana said after a long pause.
"You guys get reborn, although I haven't seen you or Arthur since Camelot." Merlin turned to her and smiled shakily. "I'm happy to see you Morgana."
"No you're not." She laughed bitterly.
"But I am, always happy to see any of you." He looked away and Morgana watched as he took another drag of the spliff, blowing smoke almost elegantly from his parted lips. She had seen everything about their lives and she could always see how Merlin looked at Arthur. She could see the way he was still shaking from seeing him now, no wonder he needed to get high.
"You still love him don't you?" She couldn't help but ask and Merlin smiled around the pillow of smoke blowing from his mouth.
"How could I not?" Merlin sounded so sad. Morgana considered pulling out her cigarettes but she knew they wouldn't calm her down. Not this time, not when she was finally getting answers.
"Morgana, do you remember who you were?" Merlin asked softly.
"How could I not, I've seen everything. That's how I know you love him."
"And you were right about that, about us, but you're wrong about yourself." Merlin looked over at her and smiled. His face was thinner than before, weary and tired, and Morgana wanted to hold him and make him better but she knew nothing could make him forget so many years alone. So long with nothing consistent other then the pain and drugs. "You were never a monster, Morgana."
"How can you say that? I had the man you love killed!" She was crying now, tears of anger and confusion. Merlin couldn't forgive her, she had ruined everything.
"Yes you did," and he looked away. "But you did it because you were just as dead long before he was." He had a sad look in his eyes and Morgana didn't bother to wipe away her tears, letting them flow and smudge away the mask she put on each morning.
"You wanted to save magic and everyone with it so badly that you forgot it could be done peacefully." Merlin continued. "You let your dreams and your magic destroy you Morgana. You died the day you stopped loving, the day you couldn't see anything but the light at the end of the tunnel and none of the blood you left on your way there."
"How can you forgive me?" Morgana asked, green eyes wide and hands shaking.
"Because this is how we let go, move on, and start again."
"Thank you, Merlin." And Morgana felt free, broken of whatever chains tied her to her past. She wasn't a Queen of destruction but of peace and Morgana could only thank Merlin for setting her free of her guilt.
Merlin tossed the spliff on the ground and put it out with his foot. He looked over at her and smiled a real Merlin smile.
"I can teach you how to use your magic again; I know it's still there."
"I don't know if I should trust myself with that kind of power anymore."
"But I do, you're good Morgana."
Morgana tried to laugh but it came out as a sob. "Oh Merlin, He doesn't deserve you."
"Funny, Gwaine always tells me that."
"Gwaine remembers?" Morgana felt tears dripping down her cheeks but she wasn't crying anymore.
"No but I've always told him that I've been waiting for someone and he would always tell me that anyone that keeps me waiting doesn't deserve me." Merlin laughed humourlessly. "I always thought I didn't deserve Gwaine, he's too pure."
"Gwaine has never been pure." Morgana huffed out a laugh and Merlin smiled sadly.
"He is at heart."
"So are you." And Morgana smiled at Merlin before turning and going back inside the pub.
Merlin should go back inside but he couldn't see Arthur, He wouldn't remember. And no matter what Morgana said Merlin was no good for Arthur, no good for Gwaine. Just no good. Arthur wouldn't want the boy who couldn't stop getting high because he's haunted by a centuries old past. Arthur doesn't want the boy with scars on his arms and enough sad stories to tell for lifetimes. He doesn't want the boy who can forgive everyone but himself. The boy who lied to his king, to his love, for years. Arthur doesn't want Merlin.
Merlin smiles at the sky, his head light from the marijuana and he feels like he's floating. Gods there all here, all but Percy. Merlin had seen Percy almost as much as Leon, always a new man with the same heart. He was always so lost, looking for someone and Merlin only wished he could have had Gwaine at the same time he had Percy. Gwaine was always dead when Percy turned up. Merlin hated time, hated death and loss and gods did he hate how none of them were ever in one place together.
But he couldn't grieve now, he had to push past whatever shit was in his head and go back inside. He couldn't waste another second away from Arthur. His magic was already pushing him towards the door, practically begging for Arthur.
"Okay, I'm going." He laughed and stumbled inside, eyes meeting Arthur's. He froze and smiled and Arthur smiled back, almost something like recognition on his face. Merlin's heart stopped.
"Come on," Morgana appeared at his side; makeup cleaned off and gentle smile in its place. "He's waiting."
"I can't, I'm just gonna lose him again." Merlin whispered, looking up at the witch.
"Isn't he worth the pain though? Isn't all of this worth the pain?"
Merlin nodded, because every wound and every heartbreak was worth Arthur. No matter how many times over. Morgana grinned and took Merlin's hand, squeezing comfortingly before walking to the table.
"You two okay?" Lance asked.
"Morgana what happened to your makeup?" Gwen questioned.
"And Merlin, are you high?" Gwaine wondered aloud. "You promised to wait until tonight so we could sit on the roof again." He pretended to pout and Merlin chuckled and slid into the booth with Morgana.
"Don't worry mate, we can still do that."
"Morgana?" Gwen pushed again.
"I'm fine, babe, just thought it was time to wash it off." Morgana smiled and she really looked good, and not the pretend to be good that everyone was used to. She glowed, well to Merlin she did, her magic was glistening with joy and Merlin could see it shimmering and dancing.
Everyone dissolved into chatter, getting to know each other all over again. Gwen was a teacher, but Merlin could have guessed that, and she talked about helping teach in 3rd world countries in a few years and Merlin knew that would be when he would lose her again. Lance was looking at Gwen like she hung the moon just for him and Merlin knew Lance would follow her anywhere and he'd lose them both. Gwaine made jokes all night and Merlin grinned each time Arthur laughed. Merlin sent Gwaine to the bar after awhile, once he noticed who the bartender was of course-Percival had been right under his nose the whole time and it was about time he got the two back together. Gwaine didn't come back to the table. Merlin heard Leon start telling the story about how he met Gwaine and him but he wasn't listening. He was focused on Arthur and nothing else.
It was eerie how easy it was for Merlin and Arthur to fall back into their banter and insults; it was almost like nothing had changed. If Merlin closed his eyes he could pretend they were in Arthur's chambers and he was teasing Merlin about being in the tavern for two days instead of spilling his beer on Leon. His chest ached with the familiarity of it all, of Arthur being a prat, of Lance and Gwen flirting and Gwaine taking Percy home with a wink at Merlin. He ached at how much he could picture them all back in Camelot at the pub for Leon's birthday oh so long ago, when Arthur got drunk and Morgana tried to carry Gwen on her shoulders.
"You okay Merlin, are you crying?" Gwen asked softly, worried.
"Ya," Merlin laughed. "I'm just happy." It felt good to say that again, to really mean it.
"I bet I can carry Gwen on my shoulders." Morgana giggled and Gwen started shaking her head.
"You are not dropping me in the mud again, Morgana!"
"Come on we were four that time, I'm stronger now." Morgana countered. Everyone was drunk or tipsy and soon enough they were all telling Gwen to 'do it' and 'come on it'll be fun' and laughing and stumbling outside. It was freezing outside, the moon eliminating each snowflake as they coated Merlin and his friends.
"Don't drop me." Gwen squealed as Morgana lifted her onto her shoulders and the two swayed drunkenly in the snow. Morgana laughed and stumbled forward before gaining some balance and walking down the street, Gwen giggling and telling her to go faster.
"Don't run!" Leon shouted as Morgan tried to go faster. Leon and Lance, who were much less drunk, ran after the girls who were close to falling over. Merlin laughed and looked over at Arthur, who was smiling like the fucking sun. Merlin could have been created when the Earth was born and lived until it died and his love for Arthur would never fade, still burn like the sun and keep Merlin warm when his breath got cold.
"Merlin?" His voice was the same and Merlin still couldn't breathe, couldn't feel his body or his heart beat. Just his magic thumbing. He even said his name in that same way, almost like he was tasting it and Merlin almost tripped over his own feet.
"Ya, Arthur?"
"Why is the world spinning?" Arthur laughed and bumped his shoulder against Merlin's, almost knocking them both over. It was such a familiar act and Merlin grinned.
"Because you are drunk, sire." Merlin didn't mean to call him that but it was what Arthur always was to him, his king, so the word slipped and Merlin blushed.
"Sire, huh?" Arthur looked so damn smug and Merlin rolled his eyes.
"We better catch up before Morgana drops Gwen, Leon and Lance are much too drunk to help." Merlin laughed before taking Arthur's hand without thinking and running to catch up with the others.
Somehow everyone ended up at a park a few blocks from the pub, snow covering the colourful structures and benches. The sand is practically nonexistent, buried in snow. Merlin sits at the top of the structure, watching Morgana and Gwen swing higher and higher, kicking snow under their legs. Leon is laughing nearby, Lance telling him about something he did over the summer with Gwen.
Arthur is beside Merlin, leaning on him and not saying a word. Neither of them point out that they're still holding hands. Merlin has to make him remember, he needs Arthur.
"Can I tell you a story?" Merlin asks the blond softly.
"I'm not a child, Merlin." Arthur slurs and Merlin rolls his eyes.
"No, but you are acting like one." Merlin smiles when Arthur frowns. "Now listen."
"Fine," He grumbles.
"Once upon a time," Merlin begins, watching Arthur closely. "There was a prince. Now, this prince was a total prat, he teased his sister and used servants for target practice. He needed to be put in his place."
"He doesn't sound very nice." Arthur says softly. "What did this prince look like?"
Merlin grinned to himself. "He was gorgeous, with golden hair and the bluest eyes you'd ever seen. He had a smile brighter then the sun and a heart full of love. He was wonderful." He told Arthur, the boy oblivious that Merlin was describing him. "And one day when this beautiful prince was being awful to a servant another boy stopped him..." And Merlin did his best to tell their story, the past flashing in his mind. Images and conversations he should have long since forgotten.
"Hey, come on, that's enough."
"What?"
"You've had your fun, my friend."
"Do I know you?"
"Uh, I'm Merlin."
"So I don't know you."
"No."
"Yet you called me 'friend.'"
"That was my mistake."
"Yes, I think so."
"Yeah. I'd never have a friend who could be such an ass."
"Or I one who could be so stupid. Tell me, Merlin, do you know how to walk on your knees?"
"No."
"Would you like me to help you?"
"I wouldn't if I were you."
"Why? What are you going to do to me?"
"You have no idea."
~
"How's your knee-walking coming along? Aw, don't run away!"
"From you?"
"Thank God. I thought you were deaf as well as dumb."
"Look, I've told you you're an ass. I just didn't realize you were a royal one. Oh, what are you going to do? Get your daddy's men to protect you?"
"I could take you apart with one blow."
"I could take you apart with less than that."
"Are you sure?"
"Come on, then. I warn you, I've been trained to kill since birth."
"Wow, and how long have you been training to be a prat?"
"You can't address me like that."
"I'm sorry. How long have you been training to be a prat, My Lord?"
"Merlin, you have a big mouth in this story. I suppose you're going for accuracy?" Arthur laughs but Merlin keeps going.
~
"You do know the tournament starts today?"
"Yes, Sire. You nervous?"
"I don't get nervous."
"Really? I thought everyone got nervous."
"Will you shut up!"
~
"When's the last time these were cleaned?"
"Last year some time. Before the Feast of Beltane."
"Did it end in a food fight?"
"Don't all feasts?"
"I wouldn't know. The airs and graces of the court are a mystery to me."
"Not after tonight they won't be."
"I'm going to be at the banquet?"
"Not quite. You'll be there to make sure my cup doesn't run dry. If I have to sit through Bayard's boring speeches, I don't see why you should get out of it. Be sure to polish the buttons. Do you want to see what you'll be wearing tonight?"
"Won't this do?"
"No. Tonight you'll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of Camelot."
"You can't be serious."
"Please, Father. He saved my life. I can't stand by and watch him die."
"Then don't look. This boy won't be the last to die on your behalf. You're going to be King. It's something you'll have to get used to."
"I can't accept that."
"You're not going."
"You can't stop me."
"Still alive, then?"
"Oh. Yeah, just about. I understand I have you to thank for that."
"Yeah, well, it was nothing. A half decent servant is hard to come by. I was only dropping by to make sure you're alright. I expect you to be back to work tomorrow."
"Oh yeah, yeah of course, uh, bright and early. Arthur. Thank you."
"You too. Get some rest."
"I'm sorry. If it were up to me, we'd be on our way there now."
"You tried. And thank you for getting an audience with the King."
"I wish that Camelot was able to help people regardless of how far away they lived."
"I'm going back to Ealdor."
"Of course."
"It's been an honour serving you."
"You'll be coming back."
"Well, she's my mother. I have got to look after her before anyone else. You understand?"
"I'd do exactly the same. Well, you've been terrible. Really, I mean it. The worst servant I've ever had."
"Thank you, Sire."
"Merlin. Good luck."
"I always thought that silence would be a blessing with you, but I find it just as irritating. You're a riddle, Merlin."
"A riddle?"
"Yes. But I've got to quite like you."
"Yeah?"
"Now I realise you're not as big a fool as you look."
"Yeah, I feel the same. Now that I realise you're not as arrogant as you sound."
"You still think I'm arrogant?"
"No. More...supercilious."
"That's a big word, Merlin. You sure you know what it means?"
"Condescending."
"Very good."
"Patronising."
"It doesn't quite mean that."
"No, these are other things you are."
"Hang on!"
"Over bearing."
"Merlin, if I die, please..."
"What?"
"The dragon lord today...I saw you. One thing I tell all my young knights: no man is worth your tears."
"Yeah. You're certainly not."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm coming with you."
"Merlin, the chances are I'm going to die."
"Yeah. Yeah, you probably would if I wasn't there."
"Right."
"Do you know how many times I've had to save your royal backside?"
"Well at least you got your sense of humour back."
"You will be ready by sunrise, won't you Merlin?"
"If I don't know where we're going, how do I know what to pack? Will it be hot? Will it be cold? Will it be wet? Will it be dry?"
"Don't be such a girl, Merlin. We're not going on holiday."
"Holiday? What's a holiday?"
"Not that. Nothing bearing the crest of Camelot. We're going under cover."
"This is ridiculous. Are you going to tell me where we're going or not?"
"Well, I can tell you it will be dangerous"
"Great."
"And I can tell you we will be travelling through bandit infested lands."
"Terrific. Then where?"
"I can't tell you that."
"You don't know where we're going."
"No, Merlin. I know where we're going. It's just, I can't tell you, that's all."
"Right, 'cause if you do, you'll have to kill me, I suppose."
"Immediately and without hesitation."
"Great. It'll be a surprise. I love surprises. Who doesn't love a good surprise?"
"What was that you were saying about me being a pessimist?"
"Must've slipped my mind."
"Touch me again, you die."
"Gwaine?!"
"No manners, you royals. Merlin, old friend, you look terrible."
"Likewise."
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, you know, wrong place, wrong time, wrong drink."
"Nothing's changed there, then."
"My father was a great king, but I don't have his wisdom or his conviction. I can only follow his example and do what he would've done."
"You're going to draw up this treaty?"
"I have to show my strength. Show that I'm worthy of my father's name."
"Caerleon won't sign it. You know that?"
"Caerleon brought this upon himself."
"Arthur. You've always shown mercy in battle. You've never sought to humiliate your enemy in this way. This isn't like you. This isn't who you are."
"You have no idea what it is to make these decisions. Decisions that will shape the future of this land."
"Arthur-"
"So, please...stick to what you do know."
"Three! Feel free to retire at any time."
"Likewise."
"There's no...Uh...disgrace for a servant to lose to his King."
"Or a King to a servant."
"Watch out. Here we go. Ten."
"Enjoy this moment, Merlin...while it lasts."
"I'm afraid I won't be coming with you. Not this time. I'm sorry. I have an urgent errand to run for Gaius. Vital supplies that I can't attain here."
"Vital supplies? "
"Yes. It's..."
"No, no. It's fine. It's fine. I understand."
"Arthur..."
"You know, Merlin, all those jokes about you being a coward...I never really meant any of them...I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met. Guess I was wrong."
"You're bleeding."
"That's all right. I thought I was dying."
"I'm sorry. I thought I'd defied the prophecy. I thought I was in time."
"What are you talking about?"
"I defeated the saxons. The dragon. And yet...And yet I knew it was Mordred that I must stop."
"The person who defeated them was the sorcerer."
"It was me."
"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin. This is stupid, why would you say that?"
"I'm a…I'm a sorcerer. I have magic. And I use it for you, Arthur. Only for you."
"Merlin, you are not a sorcerer. I would know!"
"I thought I knew you."
"I'm still the same person."
"I trusted you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
"Why are you doing this? Why are you still behaving like a servant?"
"It's my destiny. As it has been since the day we met."
"I tried to take your head off with a mace."
"And I stopped you, using magic."
"You cheated!"
"You were going to kill me."
"I should've."
"I'm glad you didn't. I do this because of who you are. Without you, Camelot's nothing."
"There was a time when that was true. Not now. There are many who can fill the crown."
"There will never be another like you, Arthur. Now, I also do this because you're my friend and I don't want to lose you."
"Why did you never tell me?"
"I wanted to, but..."
"What?"
"You'd have chopped my head off."
"I'm not sure what I would've done."
"And I didn't want to put you in that position."
"That's what worried you?"
"Some men are born to plow fields, some live to be great physicians, others to be great kings. Me, I was born to serve you, Arthur. And I'm proud of that. And I wouldn't change a thing."
"Merlin, whatever happens..."
"Shhh...Don't talk."
"I'm the King, Merlin. You can't tell me what to do."
"I always have. I'm not going to change now."
"I don't want you to change. I want you...to always...be you."
"All your magic, Merlin, can't save my life."
"I can. I'm not going to lose you."
"Just, just hold me. Please."
"There's something I want to say…"
"You're not going to say goodbye."
"No, Merlin...Everything you've done. I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build..."
"You'd have done it without me."
"Maybe. I want to say...something I've never said to you before…Thank you."
Merlin was shivering; they were there for at least a half hour now, If not more. Merlin had long since sobered up and he suspected Arthur was well on his way there too. Lance was kissing Gwen against a tree, Merlin wasn't sure when that started but he liked to think he helped. Morgana was sleeping, leaning against Leon who was drunkenly talking to her, unaware she was no longer listening. They should go home, it was much too cold to stay outside so long without moving but he had to finish with Arthur first. He couldn't keep going if Arthur couldn't remember, it would hurt too much.
"I don't understand, are you just trying to make me sad?"
"No, Arthur, why can't you remember?" Merlin pleaded. The king was confused and he frowned at Merlin.
"Remember what? That you're one depressing bloke?"
"No!" Merlin barked. "I want you to remember everything I told you! I want you to remember who I am!"
"But I've never met you before now." Arthur rolled his eyes. "You sure are a strange drunk, Merlin."
"You are such a twat!" Merlin grabbed Arthur's jacket and pulled him forward, pressing their mouths together in a freezing kiss. Arthur was unmoving for a second before wrapping his arms around Merlin and holding him close. Merlin didn't know why he thought this was a good idea but it was always how he wanted to tell Arthur to shut up. Of course now his brain wouldn't work and he was running his fingers through Arthur's hair and oh gods did Arthur snog fantastically. No wonder everyone wanted to enchant the prat.
Merlin's magic just about fried his brain, sparking and burning through his body and Arthur's. His magic was like a wave of gold, washing over the two. Arthur moaned and Merlin just about had a heart attack.
Arthur pulled away first, Merlin whimpering at the loss of contact.
"Merlin...I-I remember now. Oh fuck I died!" Arthur gasped out and Merlin grinned.
"Ya you did you arse." Merlin lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Arthur, holding him tight and grinning against his neck. "You remember."
"Hard to forget magic when I can taste it in your mouth." Arthur was smiling too and gripping Merlin tight.
"Ya, my magic seems to love you almost as much as I do." Merlin froze, horrified that Arthur wouldn't feel the same way. But he just pressed a chaste kiss to Merlin's temple and whispered into his ear.
"I love you too, Merlin." Arthur pulled away and looked at Merlin, smile playing on his kiss swollen lips. "And your magic."
Merlin thought his heart would explode. He had never felt this happy before, not once, and his magic was like fireworks going off in his chest. Arthur loves him. Arthur loves him and they kissed and he's alive and Merlin doesn't understand why but he can't bring himself to care.
"Would you love me if I was broken?" Merlin asked, tears burning the back of his eyes. He couldn't explain why he thought now was a good time to bring up his scars but he wanted Arthur to know. As painful as it was.
"What are you talking about Merlin?"
Merlin rolled up his sleeves and Arthur frowned deeply. Arthur ran the tips of his fingers lightly over the crooked horizontal scars that ran up and down Merlin's arms. Merlin flinched but didn't pull away, letting Arthur touch and worry. Finally Arthur looked up and the intense fear on the man's face knocked the wind out of Merlin.
"Merlin..." Arthur voice was raw, tears in his blue eyes. He wanted to ask why but he knew, was surprised Merlin could even function after being alone for so long. Forced to live while everyone else continued to die.
"I don't do it anymore, I promised Gwaine." Merlin mumbled, not meeting Arthur's eyes. Arthur just nodded and struggled for words, Merlin chose to speak instead. "I would have stopped without Gwaine, or at least that's what I tell myself. I knew it wouldn't make things better, not forever anyway. It made me feel calm though, clear headed, if only for a short while." Merlin struggled to explain but Arthur didn't judge, just held Merlin and let him continue. "But I kept doing it because that short period of calm that I felt...it kept me from doing much worse. But then I did something stupid and Gwaine made me promise to stop, begged me actually. I came to realize that it was that short lived clarity that made the dark moments worse, made me think about you guys less often..." Merlin leaned into Arthur. "It was so hard to stop but I did and...I can heal the scars with my magic but I want to keep them, to remind me of..." Merlin shrugged. "Everything I guess."
"It's ok, Merlin." Arthur pressed tender kisses to each of Merlin's scarred arms. "I got you now and I'm not going anywhere."
Merlin felt a sob pushing up from his chest but he held it back, he had cried enough about this. He wasn't okay and he doubted he ever would be 100% okay but maybe, with Arthur, he could be better then he has been before.
"Can we go home now!?" Leon shouted from the ground. Arthur smiled and pressed his forehead against Merlin's.
"Ya, let's go home." Merlin whispered against Arthur's lips.
000
Merlin rolled off of Arthur, eyes fading back to blue. He was panting and his pale skin was glistening with sweat. Arthur was smiling and trying to catch his breath as well, come drying on his chest. Arthur rolled over and grabbed Merlin around the waist, pulling him against him.
"Gross, Arthur." He laughed.
"Shut up, I wanna cuddle." Arthur mumbled and Merlin sighed, kissing his king's blond head.
"I love you," Arthur grinned and tilted his head up to kiss Merlin, a sweet kiss that made Merlin's heart skip a beat.
Merlin grinned, mischief in his eyes. "So you really do like my magic huh? I mean if I knew I could make you come from just flashing my eyes I would have told you about my magic sooner."
"Shut up, Merlin."
"We should shower." Merlin suggested.
"Sleep."
"Come on, you can shower with me." Arthur grumbled but pulled Merlin out of bed and into the bathroom.
000
Merlin woke up to the sun streaming in through the window, setting Arthur's hair a light. The king was sleeping, arms wrapped around Merlin and the warlock sighed contently. He reached out to trace patterns across Arthur's chest, just the slightest of touches that had Arthur smiling. Merlin drew dragons and ancient symbols; he drew hearts and the moon. He wrote in the language of dragons and the language of magic. Arthur woke up when Merlin was writing 'I love you'.
"What are you doing Merlin?" Arthur asked, voice ruff with sleep and eyes fogged.
"Nothing, love."
Arthur snuggled closer and pressed a kiss to the corner of Merlin's mouth.
"I quiet like being called that."
"Ya?" Merlin smiled at the cuddling prince.
He hummed. "But only from you."
Merlin curled against Arthur, pressing kisses to his chest and breathing in his sleepy scent. It was stupidly domestic and Merlin wondered if they could have had this before, if Arthur hadn't married Gwen. Gwen...does he still love her? Is Merlin still just the servant boy with the crush on the prince? Is Gwen his true love? Merlin was struck with fear, fear of losing Arthur again.
"Arthur?" Merlin mumbled.
"Sleeping." Arthur replied, words slurred and eyes closed. Merlin sighed and rolled out of bed, Arthur grumbling something but Merlin didn't ask what it was. He needed to talk to someone, he called Gwaine.
"Merls?" Gwaine sounded like he was sleeping too and Merlin rolled his eyes.
"I need to talk to you about something; can you meet me on the roof?"
"Course, just let me find my pants..." Gwaine hung up and Merlin started collecting his clothes from around Arthur's room.
"Where're you going?" Arthur asked, face pressed into the pillow Merlin had been lying on.
"See Gwaine." Merlin replied, pulling on his pants. Arthur hummed and turned away from Merlin. He rolled his eyes and pulled on his shirt, wrapped his scarf around his neck and pulled on his beanie. Merlin grabbed his coat before turning and leaving. He tried not to be angry, he really tried to understand, but he still slammed the front door on his way out.
The roof was the top of an old music store Merlin used to work at with Gwaine when they first moved from Dublin. The owner is getting on in years and he rarely opens the shop anymore, but Merlin still has his key and likes to spend hours on the roof getting high with Gwaine. There's a heater up there that Merlin and Gwaine will lean on in the winter and Merlin will use his magic to keep it running long after the bill stopped being paid.
Merlin got there and saw Gwaine leaning against the heater already, smoke blowing from his lips in a messy curl. He looked over and grinned at his friend. Merlin smiled back and moved to sit beside him, snuggling close together. They could hear the cars moving through the wet streets below and the people getting into arguments on the sidewalk. Merlin could hear the wind and each snowflake fall, his magic could pick up everything and it was oddly calming.
"How was Percy?" Merlin asked, taking the joint from Gwaine's lips.
Gwaine blew smoke out around his smirk. "Mate did you see his arms? He was fucking fit!" Merlin laughed and Gwaine grinned at him filthily. "He fucked me against the wall and damn, best I've had in awhile!"
Merlin laughed again and rolled his eyes at his friend fondly. "I always forget you're such a bottom."
"I can give you a demonstration if you want." Gwaine winked and plucked the spliff from Merlin's fingers.
"I don't think you could handle me as your top, Gwaine."
"Cocky bastard."
Merlin sighed and leaned his head on Gwaine's shoulder and sighed. Gwaine took another drag and blew smoke into the frigid air.
"I slept with Arthur last night."
Gwaine coughed like it was his first time smoking and Merlin laughed.
"Good for you, mate!"
"I think he loves Gwen." Merlin sounded so broken, defeated, and Gwaine's smile vanished.
"He's the one you've been waiting for isn't he? And he was with Gwen?"
Merlin nodded, he didn't want to explain that this Gwen has never been with Arthur but rather head over heels for Lance. He didn't want to explain that he's been waiting for Arthur for lifetimes.
"And you love him, huh?"
"More then I can put into words."
"You're so cheesy." Gwaine smiled and Merlin buried his face in his friend's neck.
"I love him, Gwaine, and I don't want to lose him."
"Just ask him, Merls. He's the only one who can give you the answer you want." Gwaine handed over the spliff and Merlin took a drag before flicking it away. They didn't speak for awhile, letting the drugs fog their minds. Merlin knew Gwaine was right, he should have just asked Arthur instead of running to his best friend like a child. That's not how relationships work and Merlin hates to admit that he messed up by leaving this morning.
"Why are people so boring?" Gwaine asked, voice cutting through the silence. "Why can't we be like the stories? I'm tired, Merlin, tired of the same thing. I wanna see and feel something beyond this." He waved his arms out over the crowded city. Merlin reached out and took his friend's hand, let his magic fill him with warm memories from another life, and let the tired knight feel the turn of the Earth.
"Don't give up, Gwaine, you'll find something interesting." Merlin whispered. "Like Percy and his strong arms." Gwaine laughed and squeezed Merlin's hand.
"Thanks Merls."
000
Morgana was sitting on her couch, Arthur pacing around her living room. The poor sod was beside himself with worry, 'does he not love me anymore?' 'What if he was just using me? No Merlin couldn't do that.' 'Maybe he's really in love with Gwaine! No...' 'Shit Morgana what do I do?'
"Would you stop your pacing?" Morgana groaned. "You're acting like mother when you skipped school to see Vivian." She snorted and Arthur glared at her.
"Morgana, could you just tell me what to do?" Arthur fell onto the couch beside his sister and she looked at him sadly. She was nothing like the woman Arthur had known just last week, nor was she the woman from Camelot. Morgana had changed, sure she was still smart and cunning and could lead an army with the flip of her hair but she was also different. Morgana was wearing jeans and a loose t-shirt that Arthur had left at her house one time; she was smiling at him and not teasing him about Merlin but rather trying to help-with of course a little teasing-she was a sister, not a Queen. Arthur wondered what had made her stop trying to hide from him but he didn't want to ask, it was her business.
"Relax, brother dear, Merlin loves you and only you." She squeezed his shoulder before getting up and moving to the kitchen. Arthur hung over the back of the couch and frowned as she made coffee.
"How can you be so sure?"
"He told me when he showed up at the pub. Well, sure he loves Gwaine but it's more like they're best friends you twat, now stop pouting and go get your man and talk to him for once."
"I think I liked you better when you didn't talk to me." Arthur grumbled before kissing her cheek and leaving the flat. Morgana smiled to herself and finished making her breakfast.
000
Merlin had walked Gwaine home, the two laughing like idiots and talking about how Gwaine should go about cutting all the sleeves off of Percival's shirts. Gwaine had winked at Merlin before closing the door.
Merlin stuffed his hands into his pockets and kicked snow up as he walked. He knew talking to Gwaine would help, it always did. Of course talking to Arthur was never easy, the man never liked to talk about feelings, especially when it came to feelings of the heart. It was getting colder, winter really taking over, and Merlin sparked up his magic to warm his hands having forgotten his gloves. His magic kept him from freezing during his walk back to Arthur's flat, a little flame in his veins.
Merlin reached Arthur's flat only to realize he didn't have a key and Arthur seemed to have left. He leaned close to the door, whispering against the wood as his eyes flashed gold and the door creaked open. He smiled smugly and let himself inside, closing the door behind himself.
"Arthur?" Merlin called out, maybe he was still asleep? No luck.
Merlin figured Arthur would be back soon so he busied himself with cooking dinner and cleaning the mess Arthur called a home. Nothing new about his tidiness then. Merlin left dinner on the counter, his magic keeping it warm, so he could look at the photos Arthur had around the place. Most of them with Morgana, Leon and Lance. Morgana and him as children playing with wooden swords, Leon and Arthur posing poolside with goofy smiles, Lance laughing at Arthur with black hair and a pout, Morgana kissing his cheek and Arthur rolling his eyes; Gwen and Morgana posing with smiles, Leon and Lance standing back to back like a cheesy boy band album cover with Arthur grinning and his arms around the two. One on the fireplace was of Morgana and Uther at her graduation, another woman stood with them and Merlin wondered if that was her mother. There were some more of Arthur and his various friends at various ages, and Merlin was so busy looking that he didn't notice Arthur come in.
"Ya know," Arthur started and Merlin jumped. The king was sitting on the couch, smirking at him. "You're still much too nosey for your own good, Merlin."
"I keep forgetting that you had a life before I found you." He said it softly and went over to sit beside Arthur, curling against him like a cat. Arthur wrapped Merlin in his arms and pressed a kiss to his head.
"Well, all that matters now is the life I'm gonna build with you."
"I'm sorry I left this morning. I just got scared and needed to talk to Gwaine."
"Scared?"
"I was worried that you loved Gwen."
"Oh Merlin, you idiot, It's always been you." Arthur kissed his warlock on the temple. "Even in Camelot I loved you."
"But you married Gwen."
"And she loved Lance. Our marriage was built on friendship and trust and what Camelot needed at the time. They would not have accepted two kings Merlin, especially not one with magic, you know that."
"You could have told me then."
"If I had told you how I felt than I never would have been able to marry Guinevere."
"But you never loved her?"
"I did, but I was never in love with her. I have always been in love with you Merlin."
"I'm still kinda high but I think you just said you would have married me if I was a girl."
"I would have married you if you were a fish, Merlin, just not when I was a prince."
"Ok, but now?"
"Now there is no reason for me not to love you with all my heart, fish or warlock."
"I love you, Arthur."
"I know."
"Arthur,"
He laughed and rolled them so he was hovering over Merlin. "And I love you, Merlin." Merlin leaned up to press his lips to Arthur's in a slow kiss.
000
"This is impossible!" Morgana groaned as the candle still remained unlit. Merlin had convinced her to let him train her in magic again and while she could feel her magic she couldn't seem to access it. Merlin had taught her spells and breathing exercises but she just couldn't light the fucking candle.
"Morgana, just relax, your magic will reflect your mood. You need to be calm as you learn." Merlin told her from the other side of the table.
"Looks like we found something you're no good at, Morgana." Arthur teased from the couch.
"Shut up Arthur, I'm still better with a sword."
"No witty come back?" Merlin grinned as his lover rolled his eyes. "Good, now eat your sandwich and watch whatever trashy reality TV show you're hooked on now.
"It's not trashy."
"Arthur," Merlin warned.
"Fine, it's trashy, but I like it."
"And so does everyone else, so shut up."
"Merlin, I don't understand, it won't light." She ran her fingers through her dark hair and groaned in frustration.
"Ok, close your eyes." She rolled her eyes but did as she was told. "Great now breathe slowly, relax and reach out for your magic. Find that golden vein and grab hold of it, force it into your blood. Think about fire and the candle. You can do this Morgana, you're so powerful."
It was silent for a moment, just the sounds of the TV and Arthur chewing. And then the candle wick sparked and caught fire and Merlin grinned.
"You did it!" He cheered and Morgana opened her eyes.
"Holy shit I did it!" She jumped from her chair and hugged Merlin. "I have magic!"
"Ya, you're a witch!"
"Guess I was right after all." Arthur laughed and Morgana tossed a plastic cup at him. "Ow!"
"Thanks, Merlin." Morgana smiled and hugged Merlin again. "This may sound stupid but I feel whole again, like I was missing something I couldn't place."
"Magic is part of you Morgana, not stupid to feel complete with it." Merlin smiled as Morgana waved goodbye before heading out of the flat. Merlin thinks she was going to work but he could be wrong.
"You really think she'll be able to, uh, not become evil?" Arthur asked, bitterness on his tongue. He hadn't forgiven Morgana, he would and everyone knew he would, but he couldn't yet.
"Yes, Love, I wouldn't help her if I didn't trust her. She's not the same person." Merlin responded, curling up on the couch with Arthur.
"Alright, I'll trust you." Arthur smiled and handed Merlin the other half of his sandwich.
"Ya know, this show would be better with magic."
"You say that about everything, Merlin."
"But aren't I always right?"
"Ya..."
"I could teach you magic too if you wanted." Arthur looked at him sceptically so Merlin rushed to explain. "I know you don't have magic inside of you like Morgana and I but that doesn't mean you can't learn. You'll need more practice and you'll have to rely on spells more but you could learn."
"Merlin?" Arthur was smiling and Merlin grinned.
"Ya?"
"I love you." Merlin blushed and leaned up to press his lips to Arthur's. It was sweet and passionate and full of all the love Merlin had carried since Camelot.
"Not as much as I love you."
"Don't try and lie Merlin, we all know I love you more."
"Prove it."
Thanks for reading! This was my first time writing Merlin and Angst so I really hope I didn't fuck up too bad. Kudos and Comments are air to me so feel free to leave them =)