Author's Note: Het and slash. Don't read if you don't like. Takes place during/after Heaven and Hell. Some harsh swearing, but not much.
Forgiveness
Anna Milton gazed into the beautiful eyes of Dean Winchester, the man she had just made love to. This was what being human was all about. This was why she had chosen to be amongst them. To feel. So much more than she was capable of as an angel. She knew Castiel and Uriel wanted to kill her. She saw the fury and almost...jealousy, perhaps? From Castiel. She remembered him from Heaven. She had been his superior. He almost mindlessly followed orders, barely thinking for himself at all. This man...this Dean...had seemed to awaken what Anna had thought were long-dead emotions in Castiel. His fury over Dean's insistence that they were not giving him Anna, the intense looks he constantly gave Dean...hinted at something more.
Anna, even without her grace and super angel senses, could feel that it wasn't her Dean was making love to. Part of her was saddened by this, for she truly felt something for Dean. He was the only person who truly understood her. Appreciated why she wanted to be free of moral absolutes like angels and demons. Anna forgave him for what he did in Hell, but Dean needed to forgive himself. Or maybe it wasn't his own forgiveness he was looking for. Anna rolled over, away from Dean's calm, sleeping form. In sleep, he almost looked peaceful, as if the torments of Hell were merely a long dream that could be forgotten in sleep.
Dean mumbled something Anna didn't catch. She shook him slightly. Despite what they had just done, they still had more important things to do now.
"Castiel..." Dean's voice mumbled softly. Anna blinked. Castiel? What the...?
"Dean, Dean, its me, Anna. Wake up. We have to get back..." Dean groggily opened his eyes, apparently not aware that he'd been dreaming about Castiel.
"Dean...you were saying something about Castiel in your sleep. I didn't catch it all. If you're scared about him making good on his threat to kill me...don't be, Dean. I'm not afraid anymore."
Dean was momentarily at a loss for words. That was definitely NOT what he had been dreaming about, but he didn't let Anna know. "Yeah, I uh, yeah. But it won't happen. I won't let anyone kill you. I promise, okay? They won't get you. You'll have your Grace back." Dean leaned in and kissed Anna again, her soft lips feeling slightly similar to that of another angel's...Dean shook himself. No. He would NOT let himself think about that dick. Even though they had shared a small moment, it had merely been Dean messing with the uptight angel.
Once they had returned to where Sam was, facing off against Castiel and Uriel, seemingly alone until Dean and Anna joined them, the angels made a new offer. Anna dies or Sam. Part of Dean cared for Anna, but he loved Sam even more. If it came down to it, he knew he would give them Anna before he would give them Sam. Then the demons came, and they fought the angels. He watched as Castiel attempted to vanquish Alastair, but the demon was more powerful. He had Castiel in a death grip, choking the life out of the angel.
Fury, at any who dare hurt Castiel, welled inside Dean. He grabbed a heavy object nearby and swung it at the demon's head with all his might. Castiel was free and scrambled away, clutching his neck and coughing. Dean let out a sigh of relief, before he realized Alastair was talking to him. He ignored the demon and watched as Anna raced to Uriel and yanked the necklace holding her grace from his neck. She smashed the amulet on the ground. Blue-white smoke engulfed her and seemed to be entering her body through her mouth, the same way a demon's 'soul' or whatever left when they exorcised them.
Anna was screaming. Screaming for them to close their eyes as she was bursting with brilliant white light. Sam, Dean, and Ruby covered their eyes. Castiel and Uriel merely gaped, being angels themselves and not susceptible to being blinded by the light. Anna was gone.
Castiel and Uriel were once again standing in front of them. Would they make good on their threat to send Dean back to Hell if Anna wasn't killed? Uriel vanished first, making no move whatsoever, or even saying anything. Castiel remained behind a few seconds. Staring that strange, intent stare at Dean before he too vanished. He seemed nearly confused before he had disappeared. Why, Dean wondered?
He and Sam had a talk about his time in Hell. It had left Dean weeping. Sam had comforted him of course. Forgiveness. Sam had told him there was nothing to be forgiven, that he had done amazingly well, that he had held out for thirty years. Longer than nearly anyone, and that he hadn't come back demonic. Sam had gone back to the Impala with Ruby, likely to fuck her some more. Dean no longer cared what Sam and Ruby did. Ruby had, after all, save their lives, and Cas's. Though why he gave a fuck about Cas, he didn't know. The angel had threatened to send him back to Hell. If anything, he should HATE the angel.
"I wouldn't have, you know." Dean jerked, nearly falling over.
"Castiel, you have to stop doing that. One of these days, you're gonna give me a heart attack!" The jerkass angel had appeared where Sam had left, sitting far too close to Dean for his own comfort. "Oh, and learn what personal space means." He scooted away from Cas, a bit reluctantly, but not wanting the angel to get too comfortable getting close to him.
"Did you hear what I said, Dean? I said I wouldn't have. Sent you back to Hell. I have orders, its true, but Uriel is the only one who follows them blindly. There was a time when I would follow orders blindly. Just doing what my superiors told me to do. I laid waste to so many human towns. So many people died because of me. My superiors claimed it was for the greater good. But now, I'm not so sure. I don't think sending you to Hell again would have been for the greater good."
Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas. Perhaps, just perhaps, the angel finally was growing some balls. He briefly thought of telling Cas who he had been thinking about while making love to Anna, then decided against it. It might drive Cas even further away from him.
"Would you have killed Anna, then? You said she had to die. Would killing Anna have honestly been for the greater good?"
Cas stared pensively ahead of him, at the cars flying down the road, ruffling his hair and trenchcoat in the wind. "I don't know what I would have done if you and Sam hadn't done what you did. I honestly don't know, Dean." Cas hesitated before adding, "Was Uriel right? Did you and Anna...you know...well..." Dean saved Cas the embarrassment of having to say the word 'sex'.
"Yeah. We uh, had a talk, and then she kissed me. You know what a kiss is. I made sure of that awhile back. After the kiss, we had sex." Cas was blushing furiously, mostly at the mention of Dean's kisses, not at the mention of him and Anna...doing something. Though it did irritate him and make him rethink whether or not he would have killed her.
"Stop blushing. You're an angel. Besides, Uriel had no qualms about mentioning me and Anna doing the horizontal tango. Maybe he's just been less of a bore than you." Even though only moments before Castiel had threatened to send him to Hell, he couldn't help but taunt the angel. This didn't seem to infuriate Cas, only made him blush even further, but his eyes were angry.
"Stop taunting me. I told you, I am an angel of the Lord. I have my orders. I don't play with mortals. I do as I'm told. I am a good son."
Dean snorted. "Whatever, Cas. You keep believing that. The day might come when you want to play with mortals."
"Hell will freeze over before that day comes." Castiel retorted. Though he could not explain the irrational jealousy he felt over the fact that Dean had been with Anna. And his renewed desire to kill her. He would definitely have to have a talk with Anna when he returned to Heaven. She was his superior once again, so he couldn't do anything to her, but he could ask why she had played with Dean's feelings like she had.
Why she had...sex...with him when she knew she would only have to leave him. Cas knew that, were he human, he would never have done that to Dean. If they made love, he would stay with Dean. Never leave his side. Castiel shook his head vigorously. What the hell had he been thinking? Him and Dean? Besides the drunken kiss, there was nothing there.
Still..why the jealousy? It was humanity. They were rubbing off on him, apparently. Emotions he'd never felt before bubbling to the surface. But why for Dean? A man who had WILLINGLY tortured souls and enjoyed it. Almost a demon in his own right. Yet, Cas couldn't deny the jealousy he'd felt when he'd learned Dean had been with Anna. He realized he was staring at Dean, and Dean was looking increasingly creeped out.
"Dude, stop it. That stare really freaks me out. I told you that before. Do or say what you came to. I don't got all day. I hear we got ghosts somewhere. Sam said he'd got a call. I can't sit here all day just so you can stare at me."
"Forgive me. I came here only to tell you what Anna did, and what Sam did. You'll never be able to find forgiveness if you can't forgive yourself. I forgive you, Dean. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have pulled you from the Pit. If an angel of the Lord can forgive you, then you certainly can forgive yourself. Know it wasn't your fault. Demons are the scum of the earth, Dean. They'll do anything they can to break you. You held out. So much longer than anyone else. If I could have freed you earlier, I would have. I watched you, down there. Denying him for years, even though your body was torn apart in so many ways...you're amazing, Dean Winchester. Why do you think, out of all the souls in Pit, it was YOU that I pulled out?"
Dean was furious with Cas for bringing back those memories again, when he had just finished reliving it with Sam. Now this angel... "You only pulled me out because you had orders to. Stop your filthy lying, you sack of shit. You said God ordered you to pull me out of Hell. You didn't do it out of the goodness of your shitty excuse for a heart."
Castiel stood, furious at Dean for calling him a liar. "Angels can't lie, Dean. We literally can't. We can tell half truths, or mask the truth, but we can't outright lie. How dare you insinuate that I lied to you!"
"If you didn't lie about pulling me out yourself, then you lied about the God thing. So you're just one HELL of a great liar! No matter how much you say you can't lie! So shut the fuck up and STOP LYING TO ME, you great big asshole!" Dean swung a fist, but Cas teleported away at the last minute, only to reappear on Dean's other side. Dean swung around, and found himself face to face with Castiel, their faces were almost touching.
"Don't you dare call me a liar, Dean. I am many things, but a liar is not one of them. I DID have orders from God to save you. But if you weren't what we expected, we were to leave you in the Pit. After watching you for so many years, it was I who convinced the others that you were everything we expected and more. If it weren't for me, you would still be torturing others, raping their minds and bodies. The least you can do is thank me instead of insulting me." Cas's fury seemed to radiate from him in almost palpable waves.
"Thank you, great big asshole, for lying to me, and being a huge pain in the ass for us all. If it weren't for your shitty angel business, everything would be a lot easier. Why can't you just go away and leave us, me, alone?"
Cas stared at Dean some more, the same intense gaze he always had for the man. He hesitated a bit. Were these feelings really why he couldn't leave them alone? Yes. He had tried denying it. Saying to himself that it was only his vessel reacting, but he knew his vessel had a wife and children, so it wasn't the vessel. And the vessel was also asleep. Jimmy felt nothing at all while Castiel inhabited his body. At least for the time being. "I forgive you, Dean Winchester. For everything."
He kissed Dean, as Dean had kissed him that first time on the bench after Samhain, a long, deep kiss. Castiel teleported away, leaving Dean utterly confused.