A/N: Cutting is very bad. Don't do it, I never have but have had a few friends who have and/or still do. Always remember there is always someone you can talk to in your life. Always. But please enjoy a little angst from me, Miss. Hungary.
I own nothing of the RENT world. That all goes to the amazing Jonathan Larson.
I watched out my window sobbing as Roger, MY Roger pulled away. He pulled away in an unfamiliar car and turned around the corner. Why did he have to leave when I still loved him so much? I was so sorry. Why couldn't I just quit and go back to school like I had promised? My heart was ripped out and I felt pain in my chest as it did so. Now I wanted different pain. I would take physical pain now over the emotional tearing in my chest.
I ran into my bathroom and immediately after I slammed the door something shiny caught my eye. It was my brand new razor. I had to admit the sharp metal blade was very inviting. A thought crossed my mind that actually made me feel horrible. How could I do that to Roger? Not after April. Roger was always worried I would do that as well I always told him I never would. I could be brought out a liar could I? But Roger had lied to me too. He said he would always be here for me. Where was he now?
There was a time before Roger, a time that I had cut. When I met Roger I had found out how April died and how it had hurt him. I decided then and there to not ever hurt him like April had. Did it really matter now? Just one cut couldn't hurt, but it did.
I walked slowly towards the razor and picked it up. The first cut was for my stupidity, my very own stupidity in dating. Dating Benny. He wasn't even good sex. All Benny had been good for was money, and that's just because he was married!
My second cut was for Angel, my best friend in the whole world. She deserved life now a whole lot more than I ever would. I hated that she was gone, especially when she had Collins, her true love forever and always.
My third cut was for Roger, my wonderful Roger who I would always love no matter where I was. The slices ran deep down my arm and bled so much I began to become light headed and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. My cuts were much deeper than I had ever gone be for. I had also gone down the river instead of across it. Never go down the river. I could feel myself hovering over my body barley being able to control my actions. It hurt and the pain was pretty much unbearable, but at least I wasn't thinking about my broken heart as much. I looked in my mirror. I would be past out and possible dead by the time someone thought to look for me. So I decided to write a note. I had no paper though. I had no pen. So without really thinking I started writing a note on my bathroom mirror with my own blood. I could register at all what I was doing. I knew I wasn't done writing but I fell back, unable to keep going. Gently looking up to the mirror my note read -
Goodbye my loves, my friends,
I love you all so much. My Angel
I will see you soon. I will be watching
over all of you with Angel by my
side. Roger, I will always love
you. I am sorry ba...
I wish I could have finished but it was all too much. Then I heard a knock at my front door.
Knock, knock, knock! Benny maybe?
Knock, knock, knock! Mark?
Knock, knock, knock! "Mimi? You there?" Well it wasn't Maureen or Joanne but my hearing was so clouded right know I couldn't tell whom. Footsteps came towards the bathroom door.
Knock, knock, knock! Surely not Collins.
"Meems, baby open up please. I don't know what I could have thought. Leaving you that is. Mark was right. I just don't want to see you die. But that's what you do when you really love someone. You take care of them. You don't run away. So open up and lets talk. I love you. Your all I will ever need." Oh god, not Roger. Shit! Oh freaking fantastic. I have to damn near kill myself for him to realize that we really are all we need.
My only prayer now is that my body can stay still and silent. When he decides to leave I will really try to get up and clean myself up. Then my body moans. Shit! I silently curse myself in my mind.
I heard panicked rattling at the bathroom doorknob. Roger was panicked and right now he was remembering April. I felt horrible I shouldn't have no matter what. Not just for him but for my own very delicate health.
"Mimi, sweetie open up please." I couldn't move and the door was locked. "Maria Marquez, open this door now!" he tried to sound angry, however his voice broke at the end followed by a complete sob. "Please baby, please!" Roger I am so sorry, I thought.
Soon the door breaks in. Roger sees the blood and my crumpled body on the ground. He sees the note too. God baby, I am so, so sorry. He falls to his knees by my body, blood is staining his clothes. He doesn't care. I hear him whispering over and over again that he loves me as he wraps my arm is a bit of his shirt he ripped off. Then everything goes black as he tells me to stay with him. I just can't anymore.
RENT*RENT*RENT
I awoke in a very white hospital room. The light was very bright. I shuffled to sit up as I heard footsteps come into my room. I looked up just as Roger walked into the room. There he was. Shaggy, unkempt dirty blond hair, an old t-shirt, faded jeans and an old worn leather jacket. The sight of him was the most amazing sight I had ever seen. I just loved him so much. I began crying, then he was beside me in an instant.
"Meems, baby what's wrong. Don't cry baby, I'm here. I am never going anywhere ever again. I love you sweetie. I love you." He sounded so sincere. I knew he was though, he would stay this time.
"I know, oh Roger I am so sorry I just I..." I stopped as I trailed off.
"Mimi, sweetie I talked to the doctor and her said that this isn't the first time you have been here for this reason." He looked to me sadly.
"Roger I did used to be pretty bad. I knew I wanted to meet you, but at the time you had April. The day the paramedics and police were there, it was one of the very few days that I wasn't high off my ass, anyway I overheard the paramedics saying how she died. So I thought I should get better before I met you. You were getting better too. I had been rid of cutting completely for three months."
"It really is me then?" He asked sadly. "I drove you to this," he sat down defeated. I sighed.
"No, Roger no, it isn't you. I mean yes, you leaving kind of broke me but this was a long time coming. I was angry because I couldn't quit. No matter how hard I tried and I was mad at myself. I was mad at god too because he took Angel from all of us especially Collins. They were true love. Angel deserves to be here more than I do. But she isn't. Then of course you leaving." I stopped because a new wave of tears cut me off.
"Meems, did you know you're two months pregnant. You could have lost it."
"I might have known."
"Is it...I mean is there any..." He was unsure how to go about it.
"It's yours." I stated clear and sure.
"Mimi, why didn't you tell me?"
"You were leaving. I didn't want you to stay because you had to. I wanted you to want to stay." It was true I would never force him to stay with me. Roger smiled, then he walked forward and sat at the edge of my bed.
"Mimi, I want you. I want you and our baby."
"And if our baby is sick like us?" I was nervous about his answer.
"Then we will just have to love that baby that much more." He hugged me then and I knew everything would be just fine. We had no money, but we had love and that's all we really needed.
Seven months later our brand new bohemian Elizabeth 'Lizzy' Davis was born. I thanked god she turned out to be healthy. I loved her till the day I died just one week past her high school graduation. I felt lucky to make it that far. Roger stayed with her to see not only her wedding to her high school sweetheart but her college graduation before joining Angel and I. As for the others, we're still waiting, and we hope the keep us waiting for a long time. We stay here watching over our family. I can look back on life now and say yes. It was worth it and it always would be.