AN: hey, new fic. My other fics will be updating soon, but I felt the need for something new.

Warnings: this is MWPP era; this fic contains slash and language. May have some depression and other stuff…..

This fic is about Remus and how he deals with life, love and lycanthrope. I like to write angsty stuff and I'm a sap so I like to write sappy things too! Yay!

JAMES IS OOC because I wanted it to be that way!

Okay, I have a new inspiration since my fish Raoul is dead, my cat Jem. I have no beta because he died; I have no BETA because I can spell.

For Danielle, who helped me more than she knows.

REVIEW PLEASE!

I'll take anything, even just a "good", or a "crap", but I love lengthy reviews with comments and I don't mind flames, however you want to express yourselves, just please REVIEW!

When I'm Alone

Remus

Remus Lupin sat in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express. He was saving seats for his two best-friends, Sirius Black and James Potter. (AN Peter is non-existent, so deal). His two friends entered and greeted him. James greeted him with a grin and Sirius plopped down beside him. Lily sat next to James and smiled at Remus.

"Hey Remus" Lily said, "Have a good summer?". Remus' heart sank, he didn't want to think about it. The bad……..

"Helllooooooo….earth to Remus" Sirius was shaking him, and then he put an arm around him. "Our Remus is love struck, I think!" Remus' vision had gone dark at the contact and he shrank away from it.

"I'm not love struck, my summer was boring" he said curtly.

"Well mine was fabulous" said Sirius. "O had tons of fun down at the muggle beach"

"Sirius, spare me the details" Lily groaned. "James and I had a lovely time exploring muggle London, didn't we?"

"Yeah, loads of fun!" James said "frightened of anything that moves, muggles are!" Lily glared at him and James promptly wiped the grin off his face.

"Sorry Lils, I loved spending time with you too" James said, and planted a kiss on Lily's lips. She blushed and smiled, while Sirius made retching noises.

"Come on!" he complained, "Get a room!"

Remus sat alone in his bed. The room he shared with his year mates was empty. They were all down at the start of year feast. Remus couldn't bring himself to join them. He needed time to gather his thought and his racing emotions. He went over what had happened on the train. His friends had all been the same. James coming up with devious pranks and Sirius plotting along side him while bragging about his summer conquests. Remus hated this. He hated it more than they knew. They were always getting into trouble, and Sirius…. Remus knew that he had had many girls, but it still hurt. Remus just couldn't bring himself to say why.

"Hey Remus, you're looking a bit peaky" said James, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah" said Remus with a small smile. "I'm just a little tired"

"Is that why you skipped dinner?" James demanded. "Remus you're already skinny, you need to eat!"

"Is your answer for everything food?" asked Remus. James grinned.

"Uh huh" Sirius said. "That's why James has to play Quidditch, else wise he'd be as big as Hagrid!"

"Sod off" said James as he threw his pillow at Sirius.

"Right then!" called Sirius as he hurtled himself at his friend. Remus smiled as he watched his two friends try to suffocate each other. Sirius looked up and exclaimed,

"Why Remus, you can't get away so easy!" as he charged into Remus and flung the pillow at him. Sirius' weight crushed him to the bed as Sirius straddled him to beat him with the pillow. Remus was fighting back until Sirius started to tickle him. Remus was lost.

Oh God thought Remus, he's…ha ha ha…..so hot…make him stop…..ha ha ha… I can't…..so strong…ha ha ha……beautiful…..stop it…ha ha ha…damn him! I want him! Remus' mind burst with the thought. He was starting to have a problem…and with Sirius' current position, he was bound to notice in a moment. Then Remus started to feel trapped. He couldn't breathe. The good feeling was gone and replaced by burning fear. Remus had to get away. It was just like before. That darkness… Remus stopped laughing, he also stopped breathing. Remus frantically tried to get Sirius off him and was relieved when James went flying into the pair which sent Sirius sprawling across the floor. Remus jumped up, his face blue-ish white. Sirius went to grab him and Remus flinched away, breathing heavily. James and Sirius looked at him.

"Oi Remus, what's up?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah mate, what's wrong?" inquired James looking concerned.

"Nothing!" Remus yelled, Sirius moved to put an arm around him, but Remus shouted, "Don't touch me! Leave me alone!".

"Easy mate" said James, "We're not…" But Remus had already run out the door.

"What was that about?" asked Sirius incredulously. James however looked pensive.

"I'm gonna go talk to him" he said, "I think something's wrong".

"I'm coming with you" Sirius said.

"I think it's you he's mad at" James said slowly, "Maybe it'd be best if I went alone" Sirius looked solemn.

"What did I do? We've always fought, even when Lily is here…" he said.

"I'm not sure…" said James slowly, "But I'll go make sure he's okay".

Remus looked up from his seat underneath a tree to see James approaching. He sighed but stayed put. He owed his long time friend at least that much.

"Hey" James said, sitting down beside Remus. He noted that his friend had been crying, but knew not to bring it up just yet. "You've got Sirius and me a little worried Remus…" James said. Remus looked down.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, "I…I was so…" Remus shook his head. He couldn't bear hurting his friends. James patted his shoulder.

"It's okay Remus" he said, "I won't pry, but I do wish you could tell us. You've been off since August". Remus was lost in a battle with himself. He longed to tell, but could not bear to face Sirius. Would James tell him?

"If I told you…" Remus began, but he couldn't finish. He was shaking a little again. I mustn't cry again, he thought. James noted his friend's change.

"If you told me, I wouldn't tell Sirius if you didn't want me to" James said, correctly interpreting what Remus had tried to say. Remus looked up into James' concerned green eyes. To his shame he felt hot tears beginning to run down his cheeks. He put his face in his hands. To his surprise he felt James' strong arms enclose him in a hug and he buried his face in James' strong shoulder and let his tears flow. James held Remus until he was calm again.

"Remus, whatever it is, it can't be worse than feeling like this" James told the now-still Remus. James was torn at his friend's anguish. Remus was breathing slowly again. James loosened his grip on his friend and looked down into his face. Remus' light-brown eyes were red from crying and he looked anxious still.

"James, I want to tell you. I know you'll understand, I…just…." Remus said, but he couldn't continue, his breathing was becoming rapid and labored again.

"Whoa" James said, "Remus, take your time. You don't have to say anything now, just know that I'm here if you need me." Remus smiled. That much he did know.

"Can I ask" James began, "Why you let me hug you, and you won't let Sirius touch you?". Remus looked down. He knew why, but could he bring himself to say so?

AN I know it's short, but I want to end it here. I have the next chapter, but I'm not posting it until I gat some reviews. It's a shameless plug, so deal! Reviews are my life, I am extremely co-dependant and I love REVIEWS. They make me happier than chocolate I like chocolate. I'll even give you a response at the end of the chapter because I love you so much.