Easier to Run?
Theta couldn't get used to the sheer size of the TARDIS and the complete foreignness of it. He had always wanted to get away from Gallifrey, to travel, to see the universe, to go against everything the Time Lords said and actually do some good for the universe. But now he was in the TARDIS and it just didn't feel right. Words couldn't describe just how alone he felt, the space in the TARDIS was limitless and he had no one to share it with. It was just him, alone.
There were times when he would find himself talking aloud and not just that, he'd be talking directly to Koschei. He kept expecting to find Koschei there in the TARDIS with him and every time he re-realised that he wasn't there, Theta hearts broke once more. He knew he had to accept that what he and Koschei had was over, more than that that it was his decision to end it. He had to accept that else there was no hope of ever moving on. But it still hurt, losing Koschei hurt more than anything else Theta had been through in his short life, and although he knew that in the centuries he would live there were bound to be many things that would be worse than this pain he was currently feeling it was no consolation.
Whenever he thought about Koschei, he thought about the good times, the time when they were so hopelessly in love that nothing else on the planet mattered. How everyone else felt about either of them or the two of the together was irrelevant, they loved each other and that was all that was important. He thought of the times they skipped school to race each other through the grass. He thought of the first time they mind-melding, lying in bed one night after talking things through after their first ever argument. He thought about walking hand in hand. He thought about the times he hugged Koschei and hoped and prayed that he would never have to let him go. He thought of Koschei's lips on his. He thought of the times Koschei and he would lie in the grass and talk about all the places they'd visit when they got their own TARDIS. He thought of the times he was scared and Koschei told him it would be all right. He thought of the times Koschei stood up for him. He thought of all the good times and he refused to think about anything else because the good times were all he had left.
He couldn't bear the thought of not having the good memories, so he refused to let them get tainted with what their relationship became. He forced himself not to think about why he left. He even tried to trick himself into believing that he hadn't left Koschei, that it had never gone wrong, that he was just taking a holiday in the TARDIS. He was just taking a holiday and Koschei was on Gallifrey waiting for him and would join him one day. And yet he could never quite believe it, the truth of the situation was too clear, too real in Theta's mind. That final argument when Theta realised he couldn't take Koschei's behaviour anymore was still in his mind and he couldn't imagine it ever not being there.
"I need to talk to you, Kosch…" Theta had said, nervously. The fear and hurt were both clear on his face and Koschei didn't miss it when he looked up from his desk to Theta.
"What's going on?" he'd replied.
"I… I've… Koschei" Theta struggled. His hearts were breaking just at the thought of what he was doing and he wasn't sure he could actually go through with it. Looking at Koschei at this point he looked so innocent, so sweet, so loving. He looked like the Koschei Theta fell in love with. Theta swallowed but didn't try to speak again.
Koschei's expression became impatience, annoyance flashing through his eyes and Theta found himself taking a step backwards, instantly reminded of why he needed to do this. "Well Theta? You said you needed to talk, so talk."
"I'mleaving," Theta said quickly, avoiding looking at Koschei, taking another step back as Koschei stood up.
"What did you say?" Koschei asked.
"I… I said," Theta swallowed.
"Theta at least have the decency to look at me," Koschei's voice was calmer this time, there was almost a hint of desperation in it.
Theta looked up and met his eyes, tears in his own. He swallowed before trusting himself to speak without crying, and just managed to keep his voice even, "I said I'm leaving."
Koschei laughed in disbelief, "No, you're not."
Koschei didn't move or say anything more but Theta still felt the need to take another step back, forcing himself to hold Koschei's now clearly angry gaze, "Yes, I am," Theta replied, "I'm sorry but-"
"Oh? You're sorry?" Koschei fumed, moving forward and hitting Theta's jaw before the other Time Lord had the chance to move.
Theta yelped in pain and stared hopelessly at Koschei, anger entering his voice, "And this is why! I love you, Koschei. I love you so much but I can't do this anymore. You're becoming a monster and you're hurting me and I can't do it anymore."
"You are not leaving me," Koschei told him, "You can't leave me. I need you Theta."
Theta shook his head, "Except you don't, do you Kosch? You need someone to control and hurt and I'm not that person. I'm sorry, I really am but you're not the person I fell in love with anymore."
Theta regretted that comment the moment he saw the complete devastation on Koschei's face. Koschei froze for a moment not doing or saying anything before pulling himself together and telling Theta, "If you loved me you wouldn't leave me."
"If you love me you wouldn't guilt trip me into staying," Theta retorted automatically.
"If you loved me I wouldn't have to. You don't walk out on someone you love." Koschei replied, "I never thought you were selfish, Theta. I thought you cared, I thought you wanted to help me, but now you're just going to run away?"
"You've left me no choice," said Theta, "I wish there was another option but there isn't."
"There is always another option. You're the one who told me that!" Koschei's voice steadily got louder.
"Not this time, not now," Theta disagreed, sadly, unable to stop the tears falling by this point.
"Do you want to leave me, Theta?" Koschei asked, gently.
Theta sighed shakily, "Of course I don't but I have to," he took another step back, steadily heading towards the door, "G-goodbye Koschei."
"No!" Koschei screamed, "Theta, don't do this."
"I'm sorry," Theta repeated.
Koschei's glare intensified, "Fine. You know what, go. See if I care. But I swear to Rassilon, Theta, if you go now, you never come back. You go now I will never forget you."
Theta hesitated, "I'm sorry."
He turned to the door and headed out, starting to head down the corridor out, when he heard Koschei's scream "I hate you, remember that!"
And he wasn't sure what hurt more, losing Koschei, being alone, the fact that Koschei was becoming violent or everything that was said in that argument. No matter how much he tried to force himself to only think about the good times, everything else was still there in his mind.
Theta found himself going to all the places him and Koschei dreamt of. He found himself watching the sunset from every planet in a solar system like he and Koschei said they always would. He found himself visiting Earth which he always loved, he found himself visiting Kilestim which Koschei had always loved. And he hated every moment of it all, he longed for nothing more than Koschei's hand in his along the way. He had always thought that he wanted to leave Gallifrey, but now he was gone he realised he'd rather be trapped on that planet for all 13 lives than live just one without Koschei.
He set the TARDIS co-ordinates almost subconsciously and headed home. His real home, Gallifrey, where Koschei was, rather than some empty, lonely TARDIS. Surely he and Koschei would be able to work something out. Surely they would be able to patch things up. Surely Koschei would forgive him for leaving, and he'd long since forgiven Koschei for hurting him. Surely.
Theta stepped out of the TARDIS the second it landed on Gallifrey and found Koschei pretty quickly, but he looked different. Theta couldn't explain it, something about Koschei looked different to the guy he left. He blinked a couple of times, staring at Koschei in shock before he could find words and speak, "…Koschei…"
"I have gone through the naming ceremony now, Theta, I have earned my title as the Master, please use it," the Master's voice was much more formal than Koschei's had ever been. He spoke to Theta as though he was just another Time Lord.
"Oh," was the only response Theta could come up with. He suddenly felt a lot younger than the Master, he suddenly felt like there was no chance on Gallifrey or anywhere else that they'd ever sort things out. "But I came back…"
"And I meant that I said," the Master's tone made Theta uneasy, there was no emotion in it, it was completely blank. "I have my own TARDIS now, I don't need you. Goodbye Theta."
The Master walked past him, leaving Theta staring after him, his hearts breaking all over again.