The Summary: She's beautiful. She's tragic. She's perfect. And you have eight chapters to turn her into somebody that I don't want to vanquish from the face of the earth.
The Criteria: By the time we reach Chapter 8, I want a compelling (or at least interesting) first chapter that contains an original character I like, and some inkling of a plot. Remember – anything about the chapter and/or character is up for grabs when it comes to editing, except complete annihilation, because, well, the presence of a non-story goes against the criteria (and creates a rift in the space-time continuum).
The Rules:
1. You tell me what to fix, and that is exactly (and only) what I will fix. Be as specific as you wish, or as vague as you like. Hint: For the first round, think about starting with the basics.
2. No more than one correction per review, and please take note if somebody else has already suggested the correction you have in mind.
3. Where feasible, suggestions may be general corrections that apply to the entire chapter rather than to each individual occurrence of the infraction. One or two examples are all I need.
4. My dog will select two to four corrections per round (we want everyone to be able to follow the changes from one round to the next (don't ask me, it was the dog's idea)). Each subsequent chapter will be the same as the previous one, but with the corrections applied. So they won't be quite the same. Clear?
5. Later chapters will probably require more suggestions and ideas than corrections.
What happens if we lose? Big deal, you're saying, who cares if this story never gets fixed? Okay, I'll lay it out for you – if I win, I will be everywhere, writing up manuals and instructions and directions that will have you pulling out your hair and assembling your furniture backwards and upside down. Don't think this is just a story, people. What we're dealing with here is my ability to convey information in an understandable and compelling manner. The English language and the plausible configuration of fictional events are both at stake. I'm counting on you. Don't let me down.
Please Note: If you think this chapter is perfectly fine as it now stands, slowly take your fingers off the keyboard and observe. By the time it's all over and the dust has cleared, you should find that a re-read of Chapter 1 will cause you to inadvertently void the contents of your stomach; do not be alarmed - this is a natural reaction prompted by your renewed sense of understanding. (You can thank everybody later.)
Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. I am making no profit from this.
Save the OC
Chapter 1
Ages:
Darry – 24
Two-Bit – 21
Dally – 19
Soda – 17
Steve – 17
Johnny – 16
Pony Boy – 14
I was walking down the street in this place called Tulsa Oklahoma because that's where I got off the bus. It was where I was making my new start. I moved away from my home in new york city because my mom died from a drug overdose when I was 5 and my dad started beating me. He beat me all the time, but mostly when he was drunk? He got drunk all the time. Sometimes when he beat me he even things like his belt or a rolled up newspaper. That's why I was so tough. I was so tough that nobody could break through to my sensitive interior, because I had stopped trusting anyone a long time ago. I new I would never let anyone hrut me again.
Flashback
"Your a stupid hore Anddiey! Come over here so I can hit you again!"
"No! I hate you! I'm leaving!"
end flashback
i should tell you what my name is. My name is Laniamisafeighly Brown and I am 16 years lod. I know it's an original name, but that's because my mom made it up. She's Polish mixed with a little mexico and some native american, and my dad is Irish/English/Afghan/Chinese, so my mom made up a name that combines names from all of those countries. Loosely translated, it means "Beautifully Tragic Young Girl Who Will Overcome The Weight Of The World To Capture The Heart Of A Young Man Named After A Beverage". I had thought I figured it out one time, my name, but then Coffee started beating me and tried to rape me once, so I dumped him. Anyway, since my name is so long I usually go by a few different nicknames! Most of my friends just call me Anddiey. It sounds just like Andy, but is spelled differently
My hair is a shiny jet black and goes all the way down the middle of my back. I'm small, about 5 feet 2 inches, and very petite, but I'm tough because I learned karate from one of the gangs I was in in new york. My eyes are a combination of gray, blue, green, and gold all in a pattern, kind of like a beach ball. When I'm angry, though, they turn dark and scary, because I won't let anyone know what I'm thinking. I really am sensitive through and like things like sunsets. But mostly i like to gdrag race (A/N I don't even no what that is lol).
As I was walking, i noticed a blue mustang was pulling up beside me. I tried walking faster, but six kids wearing madras got out and surrounded me. One of them reached out to tough my heair. "Hey, grease. I think we should cut off all this long shiny hair?" "don't you ever touch me!" I screamed furiously (sp?), and I grabbed his wrist and twisted it so he landed the sidewalk hard. Two of the other guys and one bitchy looking girl wearing low rise boot cut jeans and a camo tank top came after me. I kicked one of them in the head and broke a coule ribs on another one but they kept comimg and had me down in a second. "your gonna pay for this bitch!" One of them screamed, and they all started punching and kicking me. I was pretty close to blacking out, but they kept kicking me in the ribs and in the head and face and on the back! I felt a sharp pain in my arm and heard a crack and screamed, but they dept hitting me. One of them took out a knife and cut my arm.
"Hey get away from her you soc jerks!" Somebody screamed angrily, and everybody started runnin all at once. I didn't no what was going on. all of a sudden somebody was next to me with their strong protectice arms around me helping me to sit up. "Don't move too much." He said.
OMG, I looked up into the most beautiful face I had ever seen. He looked like a movie star or a greek god on earth. He had wheat gold hair that was long and silky and greased back. We looked deeply into each other's eyes. I could tell that he really liked me, but I didn't want him to know that I liked him too. "Hahaha, Soda's got a girlfriend!" somebody said.
I looked up to see a guy with a leather jacket and rust colored sideburns laughing at us. The one he called Soda blushed and grinned at me again. "That's two bit, he said, pointing happily. "His real name is Keith, but he always has to get his two bits in (A/N idk what that means either!). and that one is Steve" He pointed to a guy with dark hair that had complicated swirls in it and an angry look on his face. "And the one over there with the white blond hair is Dally, don't mess with him," he said laughing recklessly. "And the quiet one is Johnny." I smiled and waved and he blushed and smiled at me. He was cute, like a puppy and he seemed, shy and maybe like he was kind of scared of me. "The big guy is my brother Daryl but you can call him Darry, and the one next to him is my other brother Ponyboy."
I wanted to keep sitting there with Soda but, they were all standing there smiling at us, so I got up and shook all their hands. "You can call me Anddiey"
I told them.
"Hi Anddiey its nice to meet you" They all said.
Soda's POV
I couldn't take my eyes offa' her. She was jus' beautiful. And she had the prettiest eyes, with all of my favorite colors in 'em. But they had somethin' else in 'em to, like she had gotten hurt by somebody but was tryin' to cover it up by actin' tough. I could tell she was tough, too, based on how those socs looked when they was runnin' away. Two of 'em were bleedin' and one of 'em was holdin' his side and cryin'. "You gotta place to stay?" I asked her worriedly.
"No I just got into town." Anddiey looked down at the ground. "I was just goin' to hang out in that vacant lot over there until I find a better place to stay."
I shook my head forcefully. "No! you shouldn't be stayin' outside. You can come an' stay at our house for a while. We'll fix ya up! Right dar?"
"Yeah." Darry said. "I have first aid"
Anddiey blushed happily and looked away. "I guess I can. But nobody better touch me" She said jokingly. We all laughed.
Two-Bit's POV
Usually I went for blonds, but Anddiey was really cute. I could see that she really liked Soda too, and I was glad because he still wasn't over that bitch sandy. He deserved better than that. "You do;n't wanna be touched, better stay away from Soda" I said jokingly. Everybody laughed.
Steve's POV
I couldn't believe how tough and beautiful Anddiey was. She looked familiar, too. I thought about my sister that noe of the gang new about who my parents gave up for adoption when she was three because they couldn't afford to take care of two of us. I shook the thought away, that was stupid, my sister had supposedly gone to live with soc parents in new york city and didn't want nothin' to do with us greasers. That was why I never told anybody about her.
Dally's POV
I wished I had been the first one to get to Anddiey, because she was really hot and I could have had a chance with her. I felt really bad that she had gotten beat up, because I could see in her eyes that she was a sweet girl who had just been hurt by too many people. I knew what that was like. Anddiey was just like me.
Johnny's POV
I took off my jean jacket and put it over Anddiey's shoulders. She smiled up at me and I felt myself blush. She seemed like a really nice girl. I felt myself thinking that she was also the most beautiful girls I had ever seen in my whole life. I felt myself get angry at the socs who beat her up. I felt myself know just what she felt like. Anddiey was just like me.
Pony Boy's POV
I drew in a breath, then let it out. I drew in another breath, and let that one out. Then I drew in a…
Darry's POV
The girl in front of me was just beautiful, with the most amazing eyes I had ever seen and this long silky dark hair that made me think of Steve's hair. I could see in her eyes, though, that she had been hurt by somebony. Hurt real bad. I wanted to wrap myself around her and protect her from the bastard who had gurt her. I almost couldn't stop looking at her. The only thing distracting me was Ponyboy's incessant breathing. I slapped him across the face. "Dammit, Pony, use your head! This girl is hurt!"
I bent over and scooped Anddiey up and carried her to our house, where I put her on the couch and started checking her all over for cuts and bruises. "Get me the bandages!" I yelled at Ponyboy.
Anddiey's POV
The gang was so nice. I laid on the couch and let Darry fix me up, even when he had to lift up my shirt once and I felt myself blush. "Better not peek!" Two-bit yelled from across the room. Everybody laughed when I picked up the TV remote and threw it at him.
Darry said I had three broken ribs and a busted spleen, but i would be okay if i dlept on the couch for a while. Soda kept coming over to check on me, and them hm and Steve started wresting whil Ponyboy sat down and read a book and Darry made dinner for all of us. Dally was sititng in the corner brooding, but every so often I could see him kind of look over like he wanted to make sure I was okay. And Johnny and Two bit put on Mickey mouse and watched TV until dinner was ready. I kept hoping that Soda would come over and kiss me, because that was what the feeling I got from him when we were sitting together outside. I hoped we would have time alone together later. Even though he acted really happy I could tell somebody had hurt him real bad. And I new I could make him feel better.
It was only my first day in Tulsa, but I could tell that things were going to work out ok.
tosses story into the shark tank and steps aside