"Reconsider, please?"
He was leaning against that box of his; his hands apparently comfortably situated in his pockets if one overlooked the tension in his arms and clenched fists in his pockets. Intense interest under the guise of nonchalance. It was the same as it had always been with him, but there was more to him…now. Something different. She could almost taste it. She wondered if that was part of the tumor: tasting differences and seeing flavors. His eyes were turned down, towards his feet…her feet, towards the gravel on the ground. Towards her landlord's sorry excuse for a lawn… it wasn't his entire fault, though. After all, it was Queensland at the end of winter, the grass would be brown.
A breeze stirred his hair; her eyes followed the ruffling of his brown/blond hair. It was browner now; that wasn't her imagination. The tumor might be affecting a great deal, but Tegan Jovanka knew her Doctor's blond hair. He was getting older, she thought suddenly. But, she realized, his eyes were still the exact shade of the TARDIS' blue paint.
Reconsider indeed.
"Doctor-"
"Please Tegan; reconsider. I might know someone who can help you; I can help you."
"I don't want alien technology in my head," she said strongly, her voice as steady as she could manage. "You're a friend, yeah, but you are…alien."
"If it's alien, it doesn't belong in your head," he argued. "It needs to be removed."
"No."
"Tegan."
"No!" She shouted. She saw Mrs. Mullen for the next lawn glancing over the hedge. Didn't bother her; the old woman needed something in her daily life. "No," she said again, quieter. "No, Doc. I don't want to try to change this; I want to enjoy, I want to be happy."
"And you'll be happy with him, with Michael, with this life?"
She gave a small laugh and held her hands wide. "What other life do I have? This is the one I chose."
"You can unclose it, if you aren't happy." he stressed. "Tegan, you can live whatever life you choose."
"And you think I'll be happy being chased by aliens, saving worlds? You think I'll be happy risking death everyday? I'm happy waking up everyday."
"You're alone." He muttered. "No family. I guessed that much when I didn't see the family at the party. And Michael…will he give you the support you need?"
Tegan tensed her chin and jaw and narrowed her eyes. "Mike is sweet. But I wouldn't rely on him to get me through this, I don't want to rely on anyone- I loved him."
"Past tense." Tegan watched something flicker in the Doctor's eyes. Something that she could only define as strength, but knew that that word fell short of what she saw there.
"I wouldn't rely on anyone to get me through this. Who would know what I was going through? I couldn't ask that of anyone. Not Mike, not my mother…"
"You can't be alone!" He shouted. He bit his lip and his arms became even tenser. "You don't know what it's like to die alone. I wouldn't wish it on anyone."
"You don't-" She stopped. Crickey, she had forgotten…regeneration. Death and rebirth. He had gone through it many times before. If there were anyone on Earth that would know what she was going through, it would be him. Like a bloody Catch 22 situation, her life was. "Cripes."
His gaze had centered on her. "Yes…it's hard, Tegan."
She swallowed.
"If you choose not to have it treated, Tegan, I understand. But don't be alone. Come with me. Be with someone who cares about what happens to you."
"And dragging me across the Universe…"
"I could stay here."
"Not in a million years." Tegan frowned and glanced off towards the flat, the building. She laughed suddenly; the sound of it was flat and bitter to her ears. "You'd die first. And besides, you'd treat me like a victim."
"I never treated you like a victim," he nearly roared. "I wouldn't want to and even if I did, you'd shout it out of me. What are you thinking, Tegan?" He quieted a little and settled back into his lean against the TARDIS.
"Mike does care about me." Tegan said, her voice low.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. But this isn't a conversation that I feel comfortable discussing with you, thank you very much." She rubbed her arms and glanced at the door of the flat.
The Doctor shifted his weight. "I could take you to see everything you wanted, Tegan."
Her gaze traveled back to him. "I'm happy here."
"Are you?" He asked, his voice hoarse. When she paused for a deep breath, he pressed. "You love the Greeks, Tegan and Egypt. You've always wanted to go to Rome. I could take you to see it. I could take you to see it all. The Eye of Orion in its heyday. A place where the skies sing."
"Doctor."
"Tegan…" he sighed. "Please. I don't want to leave you."
"You're not. I'm leaving you…again…"
The Doctor sighed and lowered his gaze. The wind ruffled his hair again, like a sigh from nature. She bit her lip; this was harder than she anticipated. He hadn't argued with her when she had left previously, why now? "It's guilt isn't it?" She asked.
The Doctor puffed a breath and rolled his shoulders. "Maybe, Tegan, a little, but only a bloody little." His gaze finally found hers again. "It's more wanting you in one piece, healthy and happy and wanting you to travel with me again."
"That's a bit honest for you."
"Quite," he agreed.
"What about Peri and..what's her name?"
"Erimem," he supplied. "And they would accept you, Tegan…very well."
She shook her head. "No…no…I have a life here, Doc." She patted his arm. "Get in your box, get going, you. And think of me someday." His muscles tensed under her hand but she ignored it. "Come here…" she said with a large measure of affection. He looked like she had killed his pet. She pressed her lips against the corner of his lips in a chaste, feather light kiss. With a smile, she reached up to brush her non-existent lipstick from his skin.
His eyes were so close to her that all she could see was the dark blue. They blinked, obscured by baby golden lashes for a moment and then opened again. Tegan felt his hands as they lightly rested on her hips. "I won't forget you," he muttered before taking a long inhale. She smiled in response and patted his shoulders.
The pain started at the back of her head and lanced like a hot poker through her head to her eyes. It was like a blinding light encased in pain. She gasped and raised her fingers to press against her temple.
Her grunt was met by a more powerful hold of the Doctor on her hips. "Tegan?"
Her knees buckled as the pain grew in intensity. Her knees never hit the ground, but the pain was too intense to know exactly what was happening. The light was too damn bright and the birds too damn loud. She could taste the pain…
The Doctor bent with Tegan. Her knees buckled and he instantly moved his hands to catch her about her waist and keep her from hitting the ground. "Tegan?"
Her eyes blinked and centered on his for a few seconds before her eyes rolled back in her head. His grip changed and he scooped his friend up in his arms. He couldn't manage the door to the TARDIS with her in his arms; she was bound to have medication in the house. "A seizure," he whispered. He bounced her higher in his arms as he made for her back door. The wooden portal gave under his shoulder; it hadn't been properly closed when she had come out.
Above stair, he could hear movement. Michael, he thought. He cleared his throat and rolled his shoulder to settle Tegan's head more firmly on his shoulder. "Michael!"
His shout brought the man to the head of the stairs. The Doctor was already half up the stairs, turned sidewise and climbing. "My God…what's…"
"No time…" the Doctor responded. "Check her medications…the bathroom, counter….hurry. There should be an anti-convulsive."
Michael gaped at the Doctor as he climbed. The Doctor rolled his eyes with a huff. "Now would be advisable."
The Doctor turned a corner and entered a coolly colored bedroom: green with white curtains. The king bed in the middle of the room under two louver windows open to catch the morning breeze. He bent and put Tegan down gently on the mussed sheets. His olfactory senses detected the leftover smell of human sex and he sighed. "Michael!"
The young man ran around the corner and thrust containers that he had found towards the Doctor. They clattered on the bed. "Is she-"
"She'll be all right. It's a seizure," the Doctor reassured. He looked at the containers of meds and frowned. "None of these is an anti-convulsive," he muttered. "Well, then…" He sat down on the side of the bed, moving the containers out of the way with a hasty hand. Tegan's eyes were closed, and her hand lay on her chest. The Time Lord shrugged out of his coat and laid it over his friend with a deliberate movement and covered her from the late winter morning.
"Hmm."
"What is it? What's wrong?" Michael's voice was slightly shrill; the Doctor ignored him. He changed his stance on the bed and felt about Tegan's neck, opened her eyes with careful fingers.
"No anti-convulsive…oh Tegan," he sighed.
"What's wrong?" Michael demanded again.
The Doctor glanced at him in anger. "No anti-convulsive, Mr. Tanaka. And Tegan is having an epileptic seizure."
"You mean a fit?"
"A tonic-clonic seizure is more like it," the Doctor clarified. "And she has no anti-convulsive." He frowned and then shook his head with a sigh. "Think, man! If she is having a seizure, has no medication for them and has been in care- it means it's a new and more serious symptom…"
"She's getting worse?"
"Yes." The Doctor leaned forward and cushioned her head.
"And this fit-"
"Seizure."
"Yeah, how long will it last?"
"That depends on some factors," the Doctor frowned. He sat back on the bed. "Did she get much sleep last night?"
Michael took a step towards the Doctor. The Time Lord blandly stared at him, although he could feel the threat in the way the man was walking, the way he was standing. What was it about humans that made them feel that any discussion of their sexual actions was a personal attack? "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Did she get eight hours, four hours, none?"
Michael released a long breath. "I don't know…maybe four hours. We were a bit busy."
"Yes." The Doctor drew out the word and frowned. What was it about human sexual discussions that made him feel uneasy? "Well…given her activity last night, the tumor and her sleep amount or lack thereof…she'll probably sleep for a few hours."
"And?" Michael looked, to the Doctor's well-tuned eyes, to be beside himself.
"Yes, well….there's very little to do but let her sleep and wake up on her own."
Tegan slowly blinked her eyes open. It was recognizable, her room, but it was dim. Funny that, she remembered saying goodbye to the Doctor; it had been morning. Ah, she thought, as she inhaled: rain, that's why it's dark. She could smell the raindrops, felt the calming influence of the drops. The cover was a bit sodden though. She stretched and frowned; she hadn't remembered going back to bed.
"Tegan?"
A hoarse familiar voice that she had thought she had said good-bye to: the Doctor. She braced her arms and tried to sit up. "Doctor?" She asked and winced. Hs cool hand slid under her neck as he appeared at her side of the bed.
"Yes," he replied in his low voice and eased her into a sitting position. "Welcome back. Nice of you to join us." He gently handed her a glass of water. "Sip slowly and tell me how you feel."
"What the hell are you still doing here?" She responded instead. She sipped from the lukewarm glass. "I thought we said goodbye."
"I found it hard to leave when an old friend crumples in my arms and undergoes an epileptic seizure." He responded hoarsely. The bed shifted and the room lightened a bit. He had opened the curtains. In he dim light, she saw him settle back on the bed and gaze at her face. "Enough avoidance; how do you feel?"
"A seizure?" She forced out, still not answering his question. "That's never happened before."
"No, no…I'd guessed it hadn't. Headache?"
"No."
"Nausea?"
"No. Where's Michael?" She asked, slightly subdued.
"Watching telly. Pains in the neck?"
"No."
"Hmmm." The Doctor smiled slightly. "Good."
Tegan rested back against the pillow and what she realized it was his coat as well. "What does it mean when…that happens?"
"Disruption of brains' normal functioning. Influx of – "
"I mean," she said, fighting against her anger. "…with the tumor."
"A guess?" He asked as he puffed a breath. He shifted uncomfortably. "It might be growing."
Tegan closed her eyes. Cath had mentioned that seizures would more then likely occur as the tumor grew. The next station would be paralysis, severe personality changes, and vision impairment. Her hands tightened on the bed covers; she took a deep breath. The feeling of cornered panic rose in her gut. The last person she wanted to see her have a panic attack was the Doctor.
"I'd like to be alone," she tried to say calmly.
"I don't care." His voice was low, confrontational.
Anger presented and offered itself as a block to the panic: an emotional sacrificial lamb. She felt her hands tighten into fists. "Too fucking bad. Leave."
"You hadn't anticipated it occurring so soon, did you?" The Doctor ignored her outburst and plea. "Hmm? The worsening of symptoms." She didn't answer; she apparently didn't need to. His gaze watched her intently. After a second, he nodded. "I thought so."
She blinked. "Look, I've had a year to come to terms with this."
"And that means that you are perfectly prepared," he stressed. She could tell a change in his tone now than earlier that day; he wasn't coddling her. It was a tone he had always used with a mad man to corner him with logic. She wondered if she had a hope. He leaned forward on the bed, his hands relaxed in a fold on his lap. Her gaze fell to them and then she saw one rise to raise her chin to meet his gaze. "You don't want alien technology to fix it. Understandable, Tegan, but what if I were to take you to Earth's future and get you human help?"
She began to shake her head and he tucked his chin a little to continue to meet her gaze. Outside, the rain tempo increased and grew louder and louder.
"You're scared, Tegan and rightly so. Michael's beside himself and I'm-" He stopped and glanced down for a breath.
"What happens if I die out there?" Tegan rasped out. "What happens if you can't get to the future and I die?"
The Doctor's gaze came back up to hers. She continued. "Doctor, you can't find your way out of a paper bag half the time and the other half of the time you're confused as to whether you are actually in a paper bag-"
"If I can't get you help quickly, I'll bring you back." He said lowly.
"But what if I die?" She stressed. "In the TARDIS with you."
He took a long breath. "I won't let that happen," he said slowly and deliberately. Then he smiled suddenly. "And if we get you help and you are healed, you can proclaim it a miracle."
She exploded in a laugh and his smile widened and became lopsided in response. Her laughter died away equally as quickly and left a vacuum of silence that the rain tried to fill. "Miracle indeed," she joked.
"Support someone's faith, I always say," he agreed.
Life is life is life. I've lived a full life; I've fought for life of others of myself. Why aren't I fighting this more? I want to fight, don't I? Why don't I want to? This isn't alien…its human…Not a promise of help, but a possibility. I'm not leaving behind anyone…except Michael and the Doctor…
"Michael…" she breathed.
The Doctor nodded. "He cares a great deal for you. He wants to help you; the decision has to be yours, however. You, if you do it, have to do it for you-"
"Then why are you pushing this so hard?"
"To give you the choice…and…" He patted his thighs with agitated hands. "Because I'm a feeling individual as well as a thinking one," he stated.
"How can he come along," Tegan whispered. "I want my life to be normal here…not a discussion of what the travels were."
"You're afraid for him."
"Yes."
The Doctor nodded. "I won't force you either way." His hand cupped her chin again. "But please fight this, Tegan…with the tools that are given you. If you won't take him, then…"
"I need time to think," she said. "And I'm bloody tired." She pleaded with her eyes and he nodded solemnly.
As kitchens went, it was not out of the ordinary. Small but useful, the room was just large enough for all the utilities and a little table with two chairs against the wall. With the Doctor comfortably seated in one of the metallic chairs, and Michael walking around the kitchen, there was barely any room for anything else.
Michael knew his way around Tegan's kitchen. The Doctor sipped his tea and crossed his legs as he watched the man bustle around the counter space. "How long did Tegan travel with you?"
The Doctor lowered the mug from his lips and raised his eyebrows. "Too long, I suppose." Michael turned and leaned against the counter and speared the reclined Time Lord with a stare. The Doctor looked a little chagrinned and lowered the mug to the table. "Ah, a direct answer. Let me ask you, Mr. Tanaka: how long have you known our Miss Jovanka?"
Michael crossed his arms over his chest. "Five years."
The Doctor nodded and leaned forward on the table. His hand looped loosely over the mug. "In Terran terms…classic time…" he added when he saw the look of disbelief on the man's face. "She traveled with me about three years. In absolute time…it would approximate 10 years."
The man blew out a long breath. "A long time."
"A very long time," the Doctor replied with a nod and a sigh. "She became…" He stopped and glanced up at the man again before he settled back in his chair and crossed his legs again. "Yes, well, it was a very long time."
"Were you lovers?"
The Doctor's eyes opened wide and he tensed. "No."
"No." Tegan echoed from the door. Michael uncrossed his arms and glanced at door. Tegan, tussled and looking tired, stood in the door with her arms at her side. She glanced between Michael and the Doctor before staring at her boyfriend. "No, Michael, we weren't and aren't."
"Yes," the Doctor agreed with Tegan. Her eyes centered on the Doctor and he shifted in his chair; he felt distinctly uncomfortable.
"But you were close." Michael stated.
"You sound disappointed," the Doctor joked quietly. He lowered his eyes to the cup and heard Tegan laugh in response to his comment.
"We were close, are close…" Tegan said when the giggle died away. "Very close, but lovers…no."
Michael nodded slowly and his gaze centered on the Time Lord. "I see." The Doctor shifted again and offered a small, tightlipped smile to the man.
"I hope you do, Michael, because it's the truth," Tegan continued. She entered the room and headed for the open chair. The Doctor sat up straight and drew his legs under the chair as she sat. Tegan, as he always remembered, didn't beat around the proverbial bush. She nodded to Michael and continued. "And you'll have to have faith in him."
"What?"
The Doctor felt a smile tugging at his lips and a feeling of relief flooded his mind. His muscles eased in their tension before he interjected: "You've decided?"
"Decided what?" Michael's eyes darted from Tegan to the Doctor and back to his girlfriend.
Tegan's lips softened into a wide smile that showed her white teeth. "I'm going to fight this tumor."
"But I thought that doctor friend of yours, Cath…I thought she couldn't…and I thought that you didn't want him to help you?" Michael had hooked a thumb of his shoulder towards the Doctor. For his part, the Doctor remained almost motionless, his finger slowly tracing the handle of the mug. He could practically feel the tension palpitating off of the man.
"I didn't..don't…want him to heal me. If he did, it would be no different than what probably caused it and damn if I want an alien in my head again…no offense, Doc." Tegan sighed. "But he can take me to the future of Earth for treatment."
Michael's gaze shot to the Doctor. The Time Lord shifted his gaze up to the man's. "And you can definitely get her healed?"
"I don't anticipate that finding her help will be too hard," the Doctor said honestly. "And if we go enough into the future, a cure should…will…be found."
She nodded to the Doctor and he saw the familiar strength he had despaired of seeing again. He warmed with relief. "Take me then. You're right," she said with a laugh. "I do want to fight this with everything I can. I want to live and be with those that I care about a lot longer than a year. Yeah, don't look at me like that…I am telling you that you are right. Yes, I feel fine before you ask."
The Doctor smiled with a silent laugh. "How soon do you want to go, Tegan?"
"Wait…" Michael interrupted. "You aren't going with him alone, are you?"
"Yes, I am."
"But-" Michael straightened up away from the counter and gripped the edge of it so hard that his knuckles whitened. "You said before he had a hard time getting you back."
"I won't this time." The Doctor defended. His hand left the mug completely.
"I'll be fine, Mike." Tegan argued.
"I want to come with you," Michael stressed. "In case you need me."
"I need you to stay," Tegan said as she leaned forward on the table. "Please. I need something to come back to that's normal…I need that more than you holding my hand while this goes on…"
"But what if he does something-" Michael nearly yelled.
"If I WHAT?" The Doctor said incredulously. His temper was piqued and he was agitated. He lifted a hand to brush at his bottom lip. "I would never do anything to harm Tegan."
"Just being with you harms her, you bloody bastard!" Michael shouted.
"Michael!" Tegan shouted back.
Silence fell over the kitchen for a space as the three occupants breathed. The Doctor felt on familiar ground: Tegan arguing and shouting. "You may be right," he said solemnly. "I can't argue that there is a definite impact on Tegan from traveling with me. But I'm offering to rectify that blight. It's her decision."
"Very big of you," Michael muttered. "Tegan…I want you well…but…"
"Then let me go…" Tegan stated quietly. "I'll come back. I promise. Or I'll kill him."
The Doctor nodded firmly. "Don't doubt that she will do that," he reassured.
Michael lowered his head. "You always have to be in bloody control, Tegan…"
"It's my life…I have a right to want to be in control," Tegan said. She lowered her chin to try and meet his eyes. "I know I can always be so I will try to be in control of what I can. Besides, Mike…who would run the business while I'm gone?"
Michael didn't answer and Tegan's gaze met the Doctor's. "I'll pack a small satchel and come out to the TARDIS in a little bit, Doc. Can you…" She flickered her gaze to Michael. The Doctor sighed; this was not a conversation he needed to be a part of and had known that before she had alluded to it. He cleared his throat and rose from the chair. The basin looked to be the best place for his errant mug and he settled it into its porcelain embrace.
"Yes, well…I'd best go…" he muttered and sidled out of the room. As he stepped into the den, he glanced back to see Tegan in Michael's embrace and the man looked extremely upset. Yes, this was not a place he needed to be. He'd wait for Tegan in the garden or TARDIS.
His embrace was as she remembered. That coupled with the gently, cloud filtered sunlight that poured in through the window made her feel warm and comfortable and warm. This had to be what love was all about, she thought suddenly. It felt like a warm drawn blanket to curl up in a rainy day. She had had one, she remembered, in her childhood home. Her place where she had imagined herself as a traveler while reading books: her window seat. And Michael was the fluffy blanket. "I'll be back and well."
Michael's chin lowered to her shoulder. "I want a promise from you, Tegan."
She nodded into his shoulder. "I'll promise what I can, if I can…" she replied honestly. "I do love you, you know, Michael."
"Then marry me."
Tegan moved her head back from his body and met his eyes. "Are you sure?"
"I love you," he said simply.
Tegan took a deep breath and met his eyes. "All right…" she whispered. "Yes. When I come back, I'll marry you." She felt out of body, light headed and in need of support. That caused her to straighten her back; it wasn't the time or place to feel that way. She smiled widely and patted her lover's shoulders. "I promise."