Grasping Bonds
Ritsuka Aoyagi sat on his bed in the evening. Waiting.
.
[Have you ever been in love?]
.
He missed someone. But never wanted to admit it. Ritsuka didn't want to admit
the lonely feeling that wanted to take over inside him. And he didn't want to
admit that he knew exactly who would cure it.
.
[Horrible isn't it?]
.
Ritsuka felt like he was being taken over mind, body and soul, whenever that
person enveloped him in a hug. A warm, generous, kind hug.
.
[It makes you so vulnerable.]
.
The kind of hug that only made him want more.
.
[It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can
get inside you and mess you up.]
.
Ritsuka didn't understand love. Ritsuka didn't understand memories. But most of
all Ritsuka didn't understand one person.
Soubi.
The tall man entered Ritskua's room through his balcony window. Greeting him.
Enveloping him in a hug that he loved and hated. A hug that stirred desire deep
within.
.
[You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that
nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid
person, wanders into your stupid life...]
.
Ritsuka hadn't wanted anyone. No one but Seimei. Now that Seimei had left him he
felt himself slipping away, into another's arms. Someone else's protective
grasp.
.
[You give them a piece of you.]
.
Ritsuka thought he didn't want it. Ritsuka thought he didn't want Soubi. Not
anyone. But something inside of him wrenched at his heart. It wouldn't allow him
to let say no. He couldn't let go. He allowed Soubi's grasp to reach him. To
hold onto him.
.
[They didn't ask for it.]
.
Soubi would've took an order, maybe even a request if Ritsuka meant it. But he
wouldn't allow himself to say permanent words. Dismissing words. Words he didn't
feel.
.
[They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your
life isn't your own anymore.]
.
Soubi stared into Ritsukas eyes, as he held the boy in his lap. Ritsuka was
being sucked in. Soubi's grasp on his soul, on his heart, grew tighter. The bond
holding them thickened constantly. Soul sucking. Heart wrenching. Soubi reached
out to the boy. Lusting for kisses. Ritsuka couldn't stop him. Ritsuka couldn't
say the words he didn't feel. He wouldn't. He allowed Soubi to suck him away. To
strangle him in love. In warm kisses.
.
[Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.]
.
Ritsuka wasn't the only one being held by the bonds. They shared. The grasping
of their hearts pulled at Soubi. Pulled at Ritsuka. Dragging each other into the
depths of places they didn't know. Welcoming feelings, jittery stomachs and
flushed red faces. Meshed together with feelings they never thought they could
understand.
.
[It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,]
.
Ritsuka couldn't help the hurtful words that might slip from his lips. Phrases
of little boy anger that hurt more than any wound. Don't tell me
you love me.
Don't tell me
those lies.
Ritsuka didn't believe the words he said. He didn't want to believe. Reality
caused disorder. Bonds wavered at the sight of truth. Confusion slipped into
anger once it held him to tight.
Ritsuka met ordered lies with confused lies.
.
[so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass
splinter working its way into your heart.]
.
Soubi felt himself shatter everytime. He wanted to be closer than this. To stop
being held back. But the words his partner spoke said to distance farther. False
words with a lining of truth devouring him. A new kind of feast. One that would
leave him in pieces. Instead of joining two wholes.
.
[It hurts.]
.
Soubi doesn't want to believe the words. He only wants to obey them. Obey their
speaker. No he wants more. He wants the bonds no servant should give. He has the
bonds no servant should have.
The bonds are strong and don't give under the pressure of such words. Words
without force cannot defeat such a strong bond. Nevertheless reaching to both
many sharp hands will not relent. Pain shatters through both ends of the
grasping bonds. They share.
.
[Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.]
.
The confusion-laden words attempt to eat away the bond. but fail. Still words
with even a small feeling behind them ,even an unsure feel, hurt. Pain rings
through their bodies. Pain echoes in their heads.
.
[It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.]
.
Soubi deals with pain. The pain. He doesn't enjoy the pain he feels when a
treasured bond threatens to snap. A threat that will never be pursued. It still
looms over him. Wanting to steal him away.
Ritsuka regrets. True words of dismissal will not come. True confessions of
heart will not come. Only pain will come.
.
[I hate love.]
.
Pain is nearly overwhelming. Nearly.
Why could be worth the pain.
Loneliness looms close behind the thoughts.
But, so much pressure will not break the bonds.
So much pain will not break lovers.
Many hugs will heal it all.
Contact strenghtening bonds.
Contanct to ease.
To clear.
To love.