All right. Time to get serious. I plan on making this THE story that people who either know me or otherwise MUST read. I'm making an adaptation of a fake abridgment of one of the greatest tales ever told, and I better pull out all the stops to do it justice. But first…
The Princess Bride: Smashing Edition
by
Eternal Smasher (a remake of a fake abridgement; who knew?)
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers, The Princess Bride, or any of their respective characters. Actually, I don't necessarily own anything in the story except the words. But that matters not. You have an enchanting tale to read. An enchanting, funny, semi-tragic tale. Oh, and on a side note, I'm mostly going by the book. If you only saw the movie, you may see something where it's like, "Hey, that part never happened! How dare you! (flame, flame, block)". The only things taken from the film are the scenes with the "grandfather" and the "little boy". Also, chances are there will be no abridgments. Makes sense, don't it? Now then, I know I'm talking a bit too much, so, without further ado…
Enjoy.
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Part One: The Bride
Chapter One: True Love and Bedside Stories
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Ness was sick in bed. He had a bad case of the flu, and, on this day, he chose to lie in bed, watch TV, and not get anybody in the Mansion sick. His "plan" was to watch TV until he fell asleep from boredom, but television that day managed to be so utterly uninteresting that it actually kept him awake. It was that bad. Not even the godsend, the Science Channel, could keep him remotely interested (which was really his own fault, as he watched it at least 8.7 hours a day).
Humpback whale behavior. Wow. That's new.
He chose a terrific day to be bored, because little did he know that a tale of epic proportions would keep him awake for a while.
Ness coughed repeatedly. It made the inside of his throat burn and his voice hoarse. In the midst of this brief episode, Mr. Game & Watch walked into the room. He and Ness weren't friends per se, but they both respected each other; Ness for Game & Watch's wisdom, and Game & Watch for Ness's knowledge. The sick young lad sat up a bit and watched him walk, frame-by-frame, with those peculiar sound effects that embodied his very soul (or what Ness believed his essence was), towards his bed. Of particular notice was the flat, monochrome book he held in his right hand.
"Hey, Mr. Game & Watch," Ness said, his voice reflecting his suffering.
"You feeling okay?" Mr. Game & Watch asked. He and Ness stared at each other for several seconds before a response surfaced. Then: "Never mind."
Ness was one of the few people in the entire mansion that could understand Mr. Game & Watch's unique, complex language (by few, I mean two; he and Mewtwo were the only ones capable of telepathic interpretation of the language). Conversely, Mr. Game & Watch could understand every language spoken in the Mansion. English, Italian, Hylian, Pokemon language, Japanese, Gorilla, even Yoshi. All were covered, yet no one knew that he knew. To add to Mr. Game & Watch's blessings, he could not get sick.
At all.
Someone with a cold could spit in his face and he could wipe it off with naught a worry.
So it only made sense that someone with that kind of immunity should be the one to visit Ness in his time of sickness.
"What book is that?" Ness eagerly asked, grinning. He needed a good book right about now.
"Oh, this old thing?" Mr. Game & Watch manifested a flat chair out of thin air (yummy rhyme) and sat by Ness's bedside. "This book was one of my favorites as a kid. My father read it to me, and now I'm going to read it to you. I'm not your father, but still."
"I get it. What's the book about?" Ness turned off the TV and turned all the way around.
"This book has everything. Giants. Princesses. Scandals. Swords. Action. Adventure. Fantasy. Suspense. Tragedy."
"Love too, right?" Ness just knew that that had to be next.
"Ah, true love. There's a big difference. So, are you interested? Or am I just wasting your time?" Mr. Game & Watch almost rose.
"No, please, read the story! I'm so bored it's not funny." Ness sat up and drank some of his water (warm but effective) while the narrator opened the book. "And to keep things interesting…replace all the characters with Smashers. Can you do it?"
"Of course I can. I have mad skillz. Now pay attention." Mr. Game & Watch cleared his throat and prepared to read. "Long, long ago, a girl named Samus was born…"
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Samus was different from most girls. All girls, for that matter. Every girl in Florin, every girl in the world, wanted to be beautiful. That's all that ultimately mattered.
For the first 15 years of her life, Samus didn't care. (She had good reason not to. She had natural beauty; she didn't bother to do much washing, combing, and all that other nonsense.)
"Where's my suit?"
All she truly enjoyed doing in her young years were riding her horse and messing with the farm boy's head.
"Okay, really, where's my suit?"
Her horse's name was "Yoshi" (she had no idea where that name came from), and it was like a large, green extension of herself. It came when she called, it steered where she wanted, it did what she said. The farm boy did what she told him also. He was actually now more of a young man (with noticeably long ears), but he was a boy when he was orphaned and came to work for her short, stubby father, and that just stuck with her. "Farm Boy, gimme that." "Clean that up, Farm Boy- and move your ass, or I'll get my suit, wherever I put it…"
"As you wish."
His eternal response, as seen above. "Get it, Farm Boy." "As you wish." "Get out of my bathroom!" "As you wish." "No, you eat with Yoshi tonight." "As you wish." He lived in a hovel out near the animals and, according to Samus' mom, kept it clean. He also had a lot of milk. No one questioned it. Not one person.
"I'll leave him an acre or two in our will," Samus' dad often proclaimed. Her dad was incredibly short, about 3-foot-3, and almost always smiling. He also loved to wear his blue parka (which he claimed was lighter than it looked).
"You'll spoil him," her mom always answered. She was pretty much the same as her husband, except with a "light" pink parka.
"We work him like a dog; he deserves a reward." Before another happy argument erupted, they shifted focus to their daughter.
"Either one of you seen my Varia Suit? I don't remember losing that thing," Samus mused.
"Oh, you and your toys," replied Nana.
"Samus, you stink," said Popo, sipping…something.
"I was riding Yoshi all day, and he smelled the fruit cart again…" Samus explained.
"Oh. Well, clean yourself off. The boys don't like their girls to smell like sweaty fruit," Nana joined in.
"…And?"
Yeah, you could tell how much she loved the opposite sex.
But like it or not, things were beginning to happen.
Shortly after her sixteenth birthday, she noticed that it had been at least a month and three-quarters since another girl in the village spoke to her. They didn't talk to her much, but a month and three-quarters seemed a bit off. They at least somewhat acknowledged her when they saw her ride, but now, there was squat. A quick glance away, or a scowl, that was all. One morning she cornered her friend Jody at the blacksmith's and inquired about this. "You know damn well what you did" came from Jody. "No, really, what's going on?" "You…you stole them from us…" Jody rushed off after that, but Samus got all the information she needed. She knew who "them" was.
The boys.
The village boys.
Those…yeah.
She didn't enjoy this accusation. The boys sucked! Frankly, all they did was piss Samus off (and they knew well; they only spoke to her when she was without her suit). "Can I brush your horse, Samus?" "Yoshi doesn't need brushing." "How about I ride with you sometime, then?" "Go to hell." "You think you're too good for anybody, don't you?" "No, you just…get away from me."
Throughout Year 16, that kind of talk just got more and more unbearable for Samus. "Do you think it's gonna rain, Samus?" "There are no clouds. At all." "Well it could." "Whatever." "Uhm…uh…" Thud. "You okay?"
At night they would often meet in the dark beyond her window and make fun of her. She either ignored them or blasted into the abyss, hoping to hit one of those fools. If they got too rowdy and her suit was out of reach (or she was too lazy to put it on), the farm boy emerged, screaming like some deeply pained warrior, whacking them with Deku Sticks (some flaming). Samus always thanked him for that. You can just guess his answer.
When she was almost 17, a man in a carriage came to town and watched Samus ride for provisions. She paid him no mind, and she was not at fault. But this was the turning point. Many men had gone out of their way, some traveling for several miles (like this guy), just to see her. This man was the first noble to do so. This man mentioned Samus to the Count.
King Bowser and his second wife, Queen Jigglypuff, ruled Florin. However, the King was only just alive, could barely tell day from night, and was slowly losing his ability to speak actual words. He was very old (129 years), and as a result, most of his important decisions regarding Florin bothered many of the leading citizens.
Prince Ganondorf actually ran things. If there were a continent of some sort that included Florin, he'd be the most powerful man in it. Even as it was, people knew not to mess with the Prince. He'd end you without even blinking.
His only confidant was the one and only Count. His actual name was Marth, but as he was the one and only Count, that was just unnecessary. The title of Count had been bestowed to him by the Prince as birthday present, naturally at one of the Countess's parties.
To continue with the brief introductions, the Countess (whose name happened to be Princia) was a few years younger than her husband, and had abnormal magical abilities. All of her clothes came from Magica, and she had, what she called, "superb taste". Soon, her love for fabric and fashion caused her to permanently reside in Magica.
These two were Couple of the Week in Florin, and had been for a long time.
xxx
"Quick, quick, come here." Samus's short little dad stood in his farmhouse, on a stool, staring out the window.
"Why?" from the equally small mother. She wasn't very obedient when it came to her husband.
Popo pointed with his mallet. "Just look."
"Why don't you just look?" Samus's parents, though happy individually, were just plain irritated together. They'd divorce if they knew they could find someone better. Popo shrugged and resumed staring. "Ooooh," he said after a few seconds. A few more seconds, an "Ahhhh" came about.
Nana glanced briefly from her cooking.
"Now that's special," Popo said. "Just spectacular."
Nana hesitated, then put down her mallet, which she was using to make stew.
"That kind of brilliance gives you goose bumps."
"What exactly is it, dear?" Nana had to know now.
"Why don't you just look?" Score.
"Fine." Nana scoffed and quickly stomped over to the window. A moment later she was going "Ahhhh" along with him.
They just stood there, short and in shock. From setting the dinner table, Samus watched them and shook her head.
"They must be going to meet the Prince someplace," Nana said.
Popo nodded. "Hunting. That's what he does."
"I can't believe they actually passed by our house." Nana took her husband's mitten.
Popo nodded again. "I can finally die."
She glanced at him. "Don't." She smiled when she spoke, but Popo knew that she knew that he knew that she knew that he was really important to her, because when he did die 4 years later, she died exactly 1 minute after that, and most people that knew her said that Popo was pretty much all she lived for.
Samus came up behind them, staring over them (which was incredibly easy), and she remained there, because the Count & Countess and all their pages and soldiers and servants and courtiers and champions and carriages were passing by the cart track at the front of the farm.
The three stood silent as the procession moved forward. Popo had always dreamed of living like the Count. At one time, he was 2 miles away from where the Prince and the Count were hunting (people), and until this moment that had been the high point of his life. He sucked at farming, and wasn't much better at being a husband. In fact, he'd be hard pressed to name one thing he was actually good at, and he could never comprehend how he managed to bring about Samus. He just saw it as a wonderful, wonderful mistake, one that didn't deserve investigation.
Nana had always dreamed of somehow being popular, even if for a moment, like the Countess supposedly was. She sucked at cooking, and sucked even more at housekeeping. How Samus came out of her was a complete mystery. But she was there when it happened, at least.
Samus though, still staring, still holding the dishes, still smelling like Yoshi, only wished that the procession was closer, so she could see if the Countess had as much taste as people claimed.
On cue, the procession turned and began entering the farm.
"Are you serious?" Popo asked no one. "Oh, God."
Nana targeted Popo. "You forgot to pay taxes again, didn't you?"
"No! And if I did, all that-" He pointed towards the front of the farm, where the Count, Countess, and all accompaniments were getting closer. "-would be overkill. What do they want from us, of all people?"
"Go find out," Nana told him.
"Nah, you go."
"Mm-mmm, you go."
"…We'll both go."
They both went. Trembling. When they reached the golden carriage…
"Cows. I want to talk about your cows." The Count spoke from inside, from the darkness.
"…My cows?" Popo said, worry being replaced by intrigue and confusion.
"Yes. I'm planning on starting my own dairy, and being that your cows are hailed as Florin's finest, I could utilize some of your secrets."
"…My cows?" Popo repeated, making sure his ears weren't clogged and that he wasn't going insane. The fact of the matter was, his cows were, at best, pathetic. He'd been receiving complaints and/or death threats for years. If he had actual competition, he'd be out of business and/or dead in a snap. Well, things had improved much since the farm boy had come to work for him - he had some kind of special talent, and the complaints had all but ceased - but by no means were his cows the best. He knew better than to dispute this with the Count, however. Popo turned to his wife. "What would you say my secret is?"
"There's so many I couldn't choose," she answered. She was in the know when it came to their livestock.
"I assume you two have no children," the Count…assumed.
"We do," Nana affirmed.
"Then let me see her; perhaps she's of better use."
"Samus," Popo called. "Get out here."
"How'd you know we had a daughter?" Nana wondered.
"Eh. Lucky guess. Had to be one of them, right?" The Count chuckled. And soon kept quiet.
Samus had come into view, hurrying from the house to her midget parents.
The Count finally left the carriage. He gracefully moved to the ground and stood almost stiff. He was tall, slender, with blue hair and blue eyes and a blue and purple cape and blue gloves that showed his fingers and the rear of his hands.
"Curtsy, or something," Nana whispered.
Samus very barely tried.
And the Count couldn't look away.
Keep in mind, her hair was uncombed, unclean; she was only seventeen years of age, so there was still a little bit of baby fat left. No primping, just potential.
And the Count still couldn't look away.
"The Count here wants to know the secrets that make our cows so good. Is that correct, sir?" Popo said.
The Count nodded once, staring.
"Ask the farm boy. He takes care of them."
"Is that who you're talking about?" came a new voice from inside the carriage. The Countess's face was framed in the carriage doorway.
Her lips were a perfect pink; her brown eyes lined in blue. Her entire midsection was exposed, but what little she did wear was incredibly vibrant, containing nearly every color one could think of. It stung the eyes after a few seconds.
Popo glanced back toward the figure peeking around the corner of the house. "Yeah, that's him."
"Bring him here," the Countess commanded.
"I don't think he's dressed right…" Nana said.
"Oh, please. I'm not scared of a chest. Hey! You!" The Countess pointed at him, then to the ground near her.
The farm boy came.
When he was close, the Countess emerged from the carriage.
When he was a few feet behind Samus, he stopped, head bowed. He was ashamed of his attire, dirty brown boots and skin-tight gray pants, and his hands were so close together he looked like he was praying.
"What's your name?"
"Link, Countess."
"Really? Okay, Link, maybe you can help us. We're talking about cows. We're on the verge of a riot, we're so curious. We must know: why, Link, do you think that the cows of this very farm are the finest in all the land? What exactly do you do?"
"Uh…feed them?"
"There you have it, mystery solved. Link's feeding is where the magic lies. Could you show me how you do it, Link?"
"You want me to feed the cows?"
"Naturally."
"Now?"
"Of course." She held out her arm to his. "Lead on, Link."
Link had no choice but to take her arm. He almost didn't want to. "It's behind the house, Miss; it's real muddy back there."
"You're hot."
"Huh?"
"Oh, I never wear the same thing twice, Link. And I'm aching to see your methods."
Off they went to the cowshed.
Throughout all this, the Count kept watching Samus.
"I'll help you," Samus called after Link.
"Actually, you're not really…needed right now. Just him will do fine," the Count decided.
"Confused yet?" Nana asked her husband.
"Beyond," Popo answered.
They were the rear of the brief cow-feeding trip, watching the Count, who was watching their daughter, who was watching the Countess.
Who was watching Link.
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"That's the end of Chapter 1."
Mr. Game & Watch leaned back in his flat little chair and stretched a bit.
"It gets better than this, doesn't it?" Ness asked, facing the ceiling.
"Don't like it so far? No need to worry. It really takes off in a few chapters. And then you won't get enough of this thing."
"I hope so…we need more female Smashers."
"You noticed that too, didn't you? I didn't want to, but…enough of that. On to Chapter 2."
"Nice."
Next time, Part 1 Chapter 2. Yay. I feel special. And yes, there will be more non-Smasher roles in the future.