Lost Souls
Do I regret it? I don't know. That is, I think, entirely dependant on whether I judge it as a mistake I wouldn't make twice, or as a road now travelled life experience.
What I do know is that it never would have happened without Sam. Had he not wound me up so tightly, setting me off like a coiled spring, and as a consequence caused me to blurt out my most guarded secret, then I'd never have been left at my most vulnerable. My most alone.
You see, when I went round there, clutching a bottle of wine in hand, I went for me and me only. Because I needed comforting, because I needed to be with someone who knew me as the human being that I am, not the cold blooded monster my baby's father thought I was.
Naturally though, I'd never have admitted that at the time. Not to myself, or anyone else. Instead I held the lofty and martyred view that I was intending to support a friend who, up until that point, I'd cast aside during his darkest hour in favour of dealing with my own problems. What's a dead wife after all, when you find yourself pregnant with an illegitimate, not to mention first, child.
To be fair to me though, there was genuine guilt there. When I'd heard via the Holby grapevine that Elliot had been living in a disused office I felt terrible that I'd not done more to reach out to him in the months following Gina's death, but all the same, I'm not sure I'd have turned up on his doorstep if it weren't for the fact I felt so unbelievably needy and alone.
But forget motives, forget rhyme or reason, the fact of the matter here is that I did go, and as a result my life span into realms that I never ever could have second guessed or imagined.
Was it a mistake? Judge for yourself…