She couldn't believe it.
She just couldn't believe it.
Petunia had just received a letter from her sister a few days ago talking about the new word that Harry learned and now...well now she was dead. She paced in the kitchen while Vernon watched the news to see if any other kind of funny business was still happening. There wasn't.
The wizarding world had calmed down since yesterday but she should have known something was wrong. There were signs everywhere but she had chosen to ignore them. She ignored them like she had tried to ignore her sister. She just pretended they didn't exist. She couldn't do that now. There was a living and breathing reminder of her sister upstairs. A reminder that they could never be normal again.
Petunia thought her nephew was one of the most beautiful babies she had ever seen, besides her own of course. She could never admit that out loud. She especially couldn't do it around Vernon. He had pushed her so far into normalcy that sometimes she longed to be rid of it. Even though she had shrieked when she saw him, she was actually quite happy to see her nephew. She had just wished that her sister had been attached to him. She wasn't. She never could be again. They were going to plan a birthday party for their boys but Vernon rejected the very thought.
"My boy will have no part in those silly shenanigans!" He had shouted.
She could still hear Vernon's thunderous yells from that morning she suggested it in her ears while she hurried up the stairs to put Dudley down for a nap so he wouldn't wake up. Vernon had never been accepting of the situation and Petunia put on a front. Truth was that she had settled for Vernon and she made the conscious decision to go about the rest of her life pretending to be unaccepting towards Lily and James. She had to pretend to hate Lily's friends that she really rather enjoyed. One more so than the rest.
As all of these thoughts and past fights flew through her mind and almost deafened her, she heard a high pitched cry sounding from upstairs. It broke her train of thought immediately.
She knew it was Harry. It was a little more high pitched than Dudley's and it wasn't a particularly long wail. He had been pretty vocal all day. No doubt he missed his mother. Petunia wasn't as familiar as she was but she was like Lily in many ways. They were built the same and she was sure a heartbeat of a muggle was similar to that of a witch. Whether you were a witch or not, when you didn't have a mother then everything was thrown off. To a baby it was just cruel.
Vernon huffed loudly and looked to her with a scowl on his face. His mustache twitched with anger and he looked like he was ready to blow. Petunia put her hands up to reassure him that she was the one to go upstairs and check on him. He slouched back in his chair to finish the news. She climbed the stairs quickly so that the cries would dissipate faster.
When she arrived the cries had slowed to light sobs and he had hiccups. He was frantically looking around for someone to hold him. He had pulled himself up enough to look and that was when he spotted her. His eyes were red from crying and he held out his hands to be held which she obliged quickly. He snuggled under her chin and his breathing hitched as he tried to calm down. He placed his thumb in his mouth as she shushed him gently.
She was, after all, a mother. She may not have been his mother but she knew how to be one. She knew how to be caring and she knew how to be protective. She was sure she had the same instincts that Lily had. That was one thing they were sure to have in common. She grabbed his baby blanket from the makeshift crib she arranged last minute. The crib she ordered wouldn't be here for another week and then he would have something to sleep in. She wrapped the blanket around him and held him tight to her chest. His eyes were closed and his thumb was in his mouth. He was listening to her heartbeat.
She rocked him soothingly and prayed that Dudley wouldn't wake up suddenly in the next room. Vernon didn't know how to calm him like she did. She hummed a simple tune while he listened to her. She owes Lily more than this but it's all she could do.
There were soft taps on the window and she whirled around to see a man hovering on a broom outside of the window. She recognized him but she wished she hadn't. He shouldn't be here. Especially not while Vernon was awake. She looked around her to make sure the door was shut before opening the window slightly. She didn't even get to ask what he wanted before he pleaded with her.
"Please let me in," he begged sadly.
"Sirius-" she started.
"Please," his voice cracked.
She unlatched the window and pushed it open slightly, careful not to wake Harry. He climbed through, propping his broom against the wall and removing his jacket. His hair was still long and wild like she had remembered it. She hadn't seen him since her sister's wedding. It was still a little awkward between them but she had to push past it. For Harry.
"Don't get comfortable. You can't stay long," Petunia warned.
She knew that if Vernon could hear their voices that he would be up here in an instant. Every closet was full so she would have nowhere to hide him. She couldn't stand the thought of them arguing again and then waking both babies. It just wasn't worth the headache.
"I can't visit my godson?" He questioned.
Sirius Black tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear and came closer to see him. She allowed him to come closer. The years had worn him out and he wasn't the same eighteen year old she remembered. Of course, neither one of them were. He brushed some of Harry's hair back with his fingers and smiled at him sadly.
"According to my letter that Dumbledore gave me there isn't anyone who can," Petunia said, rocking Harry soothingly as he stirred.
She remembered the letter that was left with him. She had managed to grab it and hide it from Vernon but she was fighting with what it said. It was asking her to do things that she definitely didn't want to do. She doubted that she could do them. It hurt her just to think about it.
"Petal," he called her.
"You know that you aren't allowed to call me that," She hissed.
"Why on earth not?" he questioned, clearly curious.
"I'm married, Sirius!" She said a little louder than she wanted.
She winced a little as she looked from the still sleeping baby to the slightly cracked door. She stepped to the door and opened it a little more to see if she heard any signs of movement. The only thing she could hear was heavy snoring from Vernon who must have fallen asleep watching the news. That's all he ever did. He came home with incredibly boring stories while sitting in his boring recliner while watching the boring news. The only excitement that had happened on the news were the stories of the suspicious flocks of owls and the shooting star extravaganza. They may have been celebrating but there were others that were mourning.
"Don't remind me. All I need is for you to remind me how you married someone else and that he is the most boring muggle you could find!" Sirius threw his hands up.
Petunia shushed him and closed the door all the way so she could lock it.
"Because I am a muggle! You and I couldn't marry, Sirius. Your family wouldn't allow it and you'd never hear the end of it. Now, here we are in the middle of blood war without your best friend and without my sister," she choked out the last part, making an attempt to hide her sadness.
Her life had been such a whirlwind over the past twenty four hours that she hadn't let the thought of Lily's passing sink in quite yet. It was doing a fair job making itself known in front of Sirius. As a single tear rolled down her cheek, she knew she had to come to terms with it. She quickly wiped the evidence away and switched Harry from left to right in her arms. He didn't stir which she was thankful for.
"He looks just like him," Sirius said softly, thumbing Harry's hair out of his face again.
"He has her eyes. She was the only one with green eyes, you know?" She asked thoughtfully.
"I know," he answered.
Their eyes locked for a second. This was where they felt they were meant to be but sometimes where you want to be would cause more harm than good. It wasn't for them to decide what they needed in that moment. Harry needed to be somewhere safe and this was the only place for him. No one knew of her family except a few people. Most of the people that knew were now dead.
"When was the last time you talked to them?" Sirius asked.
"The last time I talked to them in person was the day of my wedding and the last time I talked to my sister was earlier this week. We were going to plan a birthday party for our kids but Vernon put his foot down," Petunia said, giving Harry a swift kiss on the forehead.
"Even his name is boring," Sirius hissed.
"Are you here for any other reason other than to insult my family and visit your godson?" Petunia snapped.
The air was quiet around them. It wasn't awkward but it wasn't pleasant. Still, he could get her heart beating faster than any other. Goosebumps rose on her arms and she shivered. There must have been a draft.
"I didn't come to fight with you," he said stiffly.
"No, of course not. You don't speak to me for a couple of years but you don't want to fight," Petunia snapped.
She analyzed Harry before laying him back down in the crib. She felt horrible for not having something proper for him to sleep in but this was all she had. Dudley needed a bigger crib but Harry would have something new. She owed him a shower present that she never bought for her sister. A crib seemed to fit just fine for the circumstances. He stayed asleep and they stood there watching him.
"What did the letter say?" Sirius wondered.
"That I am to be the world's most horrible aunt. He is to be treated as a nobody so that when he becomes a somebody he won't be too egotistical. Besides, if you-know-who comes back then they won't find him here," Petunia said sadly.
"Why won't they find him here?" Sirius asked curiously.
"Because they won't look for him in places that he hated to be. It makes us all safe. If they sent Harry with you then he would be found quickly," Petunia informed.
"That means he'll never get to know the real you," Sirius said sadly.
"I can't tell if that would be a good thing or a bad thing," she laughed nervously.
She couldn't understand why she was nervous. Maybe it was due to the fact that she hadn't seen him in such a long time. She forgot how to act around him. She acted like a school girl in his presence which irritated her.
"I think it's horrible that he won't get to know the real you," he said quietly.
"Well, you have orders from Dumbledore as well. You are not to tell him any of this when he gets older. I have my directions and you have yours," Petunia told him.
"I understand why these instructions are important to his survival but I'm not sure I understand them. Do you understand them?" Sirius questioned.
"No, which makes this all just too much. I have to mistreat him? He can't have new things? He has to live in my cupboard under the stairs? I have to yell at him every day for the rest of his life while he wished he could be off somewhere else? That's not how I wanted to be around my nephew. I had different plans than all of this!" She argued out loud, turning to plop in the rocking chair.
She had plans alright but it seemed like the Wizarding World wanted to keep her out. It didn't matter the lengths they took. She wanted so badly to be a part of it when she was younger but they didn't want her there. Maybe this was why. Maybe the world always knew something she never knew. Maybe they know something nobody knows. Until then she would have to keep this secret.
"Petal-" he started.
"Don't. It may be a big pill to swallow but I have a new plan. I'm going to stay married to Vernon, raise my son, and we're going to be the worst family we can be to him. Why? Because the worse we are the safer he'll be. They needed me here,"
Harry needed her here. He needed her to do everything that Dumbledore ordered. To keep him safe. So, she agreed.
"What were your plans?" He asked quietly.
"To have said yes when you asked me to marry you. To defy every and any existence known to man. To have kept in contact with my sister more than I had. To have been present in Harry's life as the wonderful aunt that he would have seen then. To be unexpected and spontaneous...not normal and predictable. But this is my bed, Sirius," She said simply.
Oh, she wished she could have said yes to him but the repercussions of it would have been far too great. She faked blaming him for everything that went wrong with their relationship when really it had been all her. She denied him, after all. He was willing to go the distance but she wasn't willing to keep him in the dark.
"At least I know you still love me," he said with a half smile.
"I could never not love you. You were my first for most things. I would have rather had all of those experiences with you than with anyone else," she mused, getting up from the chair to give him a swift kiss on the cheek.
He dodged the light peck and gave her a full, earth-shattering kiss right there in the nursery. It was as familiar as it had always been and in that moment she needed the familiarity. She needed the danger and the spontaneity. He wrapped his arms around her waist and deepened the kiss but only as far as she would let him. The kiss did come to an end, to their disappointment, and he rested his forehead against hers.
"I had to do it one last time," he whispered and sighed heavily as he willed himself away from her.
She nodded in response but she was still breathless. She wanted it again and again but she couldn't. That made her want it even more.
"I may come see him a couple more times in the next week," he said, grabbing his broom by the door.
"You know where I'll always be," she said with a sad smile.
He planted a kiss on her lips smoothly and gently. She relished again in the feeling of familiarity but just as quick as it came it was gone. They didn't know then that they would never see each other again but at least they knew what the other was supposed to do. They had a role to play and there was no time for interruptions.
Just as the thought left her mind, Harry began to cry again. She swept over to pick him up and resume her role as his guardian. She rocked him until he drifted off to sleep for the third time that evening. That's when her mind drifted back to the kiss. She remembered when she first received it.
She remembered everything.
She closed her eyes and drifted to her memories. She didn't fall asleep but she wanted to remember why she loved him so much.
Then she remembered the first time they met so long ago...