Fate had brought us together in such a way that I was beginning to feel that I had no choice in my life. If I had been unhappy it would not have mattered, if I had taken it upon myself in those countless years I spent apart from Mitsuha to find another that could fill the aching void inside of my chest; it still wouldn't have mattered. Fate would have stepped in and replaced my choice with one better suited for the drama in the story it laid out before me.
When I laid eyes upon her again for what felt like the first time, tears undeniably escaped my eyes and a feeling of pure joy enveloped my entire being; a sensation so orgasmic that it felt almost as artificial as it really was. I was programmed to feel this way, entitled through frustration and persistence to let this climax between the two of us linger and fill me with as much happiness as I had missed in all the time I had spent searching for her.
But I'm not a good person, and this climax lasted little longer than it took to get used to the company of one another.
The happiness I felt with her was something I could never emulate or replace, and the time I spent either in her body or in her actual presence made me feel whole in both a spiritual and physical way. But soon these feelings became cliche, our time together becoming an obligation more so than a choice. We never voiced these thoughts to each other in spite of the fact that they had been mutual between the two of us, instead electing to continue onward down our shared path without a complaint; or at least pretending to do so.
I finally found a job a few weeks after Mitsuha came back into my life, one that was much less extravagant than I thought that it would have been. I had grown nostalgic to the idea that any happiness found in a building I helped create or maintain was happiness that I too would feel. I was wrong.
I punched in and punched out just as everyone else, working monotonous hours with menial busy work that did little more than engrave into me that I was simply a cog in the machine of modern society. I had achieved the job and career that I sought out to find, yet felt no more complete than the person that handed me my hamburger for lunch every day.
I felt that I was losing all control in my life, I was simply fitting into the mold that had been created for me. It was frustrating, it was painful, but most of all; it was demeaning. I couldn't bring myself happiness and fulfillment. It had to be handed and guided to me.
But then I saw her.
She had been coming every day to the same fast food establishment that I would spend my lunch hours at, ordering a meal significantly smaller than my own and eating it in a way much more elegant than myself. I at first offered her only a passing glance and a smile, but this soon became a secret obsession. I would look up from my food whenever possible and simply admire her pale skin that seemed to radiate a white light in contrast to her darkened business suit. I would enthrall myself in her smooth, silk-like brunette hair that had been positioned into a sloppy ponytail until she would look up and catch me in the act of quickly looking away as to avoid our eyes awkwardly meeting and her discovering the way that I had been memorizing her every feature.
"May I sit here?"
Finally, after meeting at this same restaurant for what felt like the twentieth time, she bit the bullet and approached me with her head cocked to the side and a wide smile plastered onto her face. I was taken aback by her approach and could barely muster a response.
"S-s-sure, go ahead." I said this in as friendly a way as possible, but I still felt that I had come off as cold or condescending. Regardless, she still took a seat happily and placed her food tray in front of mine. She clasped her hands together in a quick prayer before she began on her food.
"I see you here all the time, so I figured that I might be able to make a friend to hang out with during my lunch break." She said this in between bites of food, patting all of the crumbs off of her face in between each sentence. She recoiled and gave me an almost apologetic look, "hopefully that isn't weird…"
"No! It's fine! I mean, you're fine! Or, actually, I mean... it's not weird that you sat there!" I spat out this sentence as awkwardly as I had ever spoken anything, waving my arms in front of my face as I spoke in an attempt to cover for my pathetic look. She simply giggled before reaching her hand out towards mine.
"My name is Aki." She introduced herself pleasantly with a smile, "What's yours?"
I shook her hand as I introduced myself, "My name's Taki."
We sat in a silence as we ate that I would have called awkward if not for the way that Aki seemed to present herself and keep an atmosphere of contentment that made me feel more and more at ease the longer we sat together. Eventually we had entered a pleasant chat, one that made the time pass twice as quickly as usual.
"So where do you work?" I asked, genuinely curious. I had seen her sitting a few feet away from me dozens of times at this point, so it must have been some place nearby.
"I work at the stock office down the block a little bit." She answered, taking a swig from her soda, "I get an hour lunch from two to three every day, but I'm basically the best employee so my manager just lets me do whatever I want, within reason. What about you?"
"I work at the construction company right next door," I replied, "I don't do nearly as good as you at my job, so my manager is still an asshole."
She laughed at this, covering her mouth in a way that I couldn't help but smile at. It was undeniable that I felt a connection towards this girl, though this realization came with a pang in my chest that almost force an audible grunt. I looked down at my wrist watch, all of a sudden feeling that continuing this conversation would be a mistake.
"Crap! My lunch break ended five minutes ago, I really have to get going." I lied through my teeth to the best of my ability, not knowing any way that I could have gotten out of the situation otherwise. "I'll probably see you tomorrow just like always!"
"Just in case we don't though…" She grabbed my wrist as I attempted to escape, stopping me in my tracks, "let me give you my phone number so that we can keep in touch."
I knew that it was a bad idea, but I didn't have the guts to reject this woman and tell her that I didn't want her number, even if the reason behind my disinterest was nobel. Apprehensively, I handed her my phone and stood patiently as she put herself in my contacts.
"Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow then," she stood and grabbed the bag from beside her after handing me back my phone and walked towards the exit beside me. Outside the restaurant we parted ways, waving towards each other as we walked in seperate directions.
I was happy, filled with an excitement that I could only describe as liberating. This was the universe giving me a choice in life, an opportunity to become what I wanted. And that made me sick.
Who was I to question what I had been given; the wonderful opportunities and people that surrounded me? The girlfriend who loved me unconditionally and whom I shared a mutual attachment with that neither of us could explain?
But I wasn't a good person, and this rational thinking wasn't something that I had a lot of experience with.