A/N: Plot bunnnyyyyyyyyyyy! Sorry y'all, I've been doing my school musical so I haven't been able to write anything recently.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games, it belongs to Suzanne Collins.
Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, eating disorders, and depression.
Katniss
I hear the boys shouting from downstairs, some shooting game playing on the TV. I turn back to my textbook, determined to study for my AP Biology midterm. Meiosis...mitosis...tertiary consumers...endoplas-
"Oh come one! What the fuck, man?!" My older brother screams. Frustrated and knowing I'll never get my work done, I slam my book shut and scream into my pillow. I get up and grab my phone. Opening the door, the shouts that had previously been muffled hit me full force as the boys started another game.
This, of course is an everyday occurrence. Gale is a senior and I, a junior at Panem High School. His friends are over here practically everyday whether it be to play basketball in the park by our house, to "study", or to play Black Ops or some other stupid game.
I don't mind them, though, not really. They're all decent guys and even if they do make lewd jokes like every other teenaged boy does, they're always nice to me. There was Finnick-the captain of the swim team, Thresh-football captain, Gale-my older brother and basketball captain, and there was Peeta.
Peeta, the captain of the soccer team and the most perfect human being you'll ever meet. I watch from the edge of the staircase as he sweeps a lock of golden hair out of his blue eyes, a dimple forming on his left cheek when he laughs at one of Finn's jokes.
Peeta has been around forever. He and Gale met in the third grade and have been inseparable since. Peeta is the single sweetest, hottest, most talented guy on the planet.
But he's taken. Glimmer Lecreaux is his girlfriend. She's the prettiest, most popular girl in Panem High. She won Prom Queen last year, she's got the biggest tits(which she doesn't hesitate to display with her low cut crop tops), a painted-on smile, and she's the biggest bitch ever. I would know.
Peeta and I used to be really close. I wouldn't hesitate to run and jump into his arms or drop a kiss on his cheek. But, after he started dating Glimmer, he asked me to stop. Later I found out it was Glimmer and that she had told him that she didn't feel comfortable with a 'little girl' all over her boyfriend. So, to appease her, he distanced himself from me. Of course, I had heard this from Finnick.
But that wasn't where it ended. Glimmer hates me with a passion, treating me horribly at school, ignoring me when she's in my house. Purposely pulling Peeta away from me when we're talking. But Gale and Peeta don't notice. They see nothing wrong with her. Finnick and Thresh do, though. They've become good friends of mine recently.
Glimmer has become worse in the past couple of weeks. Fat, ugly, stupid, slut, you should die… My mind replays all of the insults I've had hurled at me these past couple weeks and I feel a lump form in my throat. I have never been self-conscious before, but recently...I've been noticing the extra fat around my stomach and thighs, how plain I look, how everyone already has so many friends, how I was inconsequential to all of them.
Noticing the time, I quickly grab my bag, foregoing the usual snack I eat before my 3-hour practices. I could stand to lose a few pounds. At this thought, I pause at the door. I could stand to lose a lot more than a few pounds. Instead of leaving the house, I slowly walked to the bathroom. I think about how I wish I was thinner and prettier and...just better.
It's these thoughts that spur me on as I shut and lock the door. Slowly, I kneel down on the ground in front of the toilet. Thinner, thinner, thinner, thinner...I repeat this mantra in my head even as I force a finger down my throat, my lunch coming up as a result.
As I'm finishing, I hear a knock at the door and I shoot up, but quickly grab ahold of the towel rack, dizzy.
"Katniss?" It's Gale. Shoot, did he hear me? "You're gonna be late for soccer practice!"
"Coming!" I reply. I flush the toilet and rinse my hands in the sink, gargling some water too. I stare at myself in the mirror and frown. I don't know why, but I expected to feel, to look different. I still look the same. Plain. Ugly. Fat.
I open the door and rush out the door, my bag slung over my shoulder. I was captain of the girls soccer team and had to be on my A-game.
Practice is brutal. I am tired and my stomach groans in protest at the lack of food I've put in, but I ignore it. I better get used to it. We lost the game last week, so Coach Enobaria's first order of business is wind sprints and ladders. It sucks.
About an hour into practice, Coach calls us into the locker room. I forgot, today is picture day. We had all left our uniforms in the locker room after the last game specifically so that no one would forget theirs. We change into our uniforms: black shorts with gold trim, and a black jersey with gold trim and a golden diagonal stripe across the front-our number emblazoned on the back and on the right leg of our shorts.
My hair is pulled back in its usual braid, but I decide to redo it so that it doesn't look so disheveled in the picture. I don't mind our uniforms too much, the only thing being that the shorts are a little well...short.
Our pictures generally look pretty good, our photographers know what to do. Being the team captain, he has me stand in the center, the ball on my hip, with everyone else branching out behind me in a V-shape. Then we take single and buddy pictures. I take a group photo with Annie, Joanna, and Madge. It's pretty cute. We're all laying on our stomachs, our faces resting on our hands, making different faces.
Our photographer, Cinna(who is also our music teacher), looks over all the pictures, nodding in satisfaction. "Alright, now it's time for the boys." Boys? Shit, I forgot they take their pictures the same day. I turn and see the boys' team making their way over from the locker rooms, Peeta in front. I lock eyes with him, but quickly turn away, afraid that he'll somehow know what I did in the bathroom earlier.
As the boys take their pictures, I watch Peeta closely. God he looks so hot, I can feel my panties getting wet at the sight of him posing. He looks so domineering, confident, sexy. I can feel myself go weak in the knees.
After the boys finish, I stand expecting that we girls will get to go back to practice. But, apparently, I forgot another thing. The captains picture. This is my first year as captain of the girls team, but I do remember the captains always take a picture together...and it gets displayed in the sports hall. You see, our school is incredibly proud of its sports teams. Panem is notorious for its prowess in athletics. As a result, there is an entire hall dedicated to the sports of PHS. All of our trophies are displayed there along with pictures of MVPs, team photos, and captain pictures.
I walk over to the goal where Peeta stands and Cinna is setting up his equipment. "Alright, you two," Cinna says when he finishes setting up, "these photos are going to be fierce and, for lack of a better word, badass as hell." We both chuckle at that. Cinna never is one to filter himself, even in front of students. First he has us pose back to back, arms crossed over our chest, glaring at the camera. He takes some of us posing on the goal, but then makes a request of us.
"So, I am thinking of sending some photos into a competition to try and raise some more money for the arts program here at school. I have all of the required categories covered except action. I was wondering if you two could just go one-on-one for a while and I could try and get some good shots." Cinna tells us.
I look at Peeta and he, at me. He gives me a half smile and shrugs. "Sure, it's been a while since we've faced off, huh? Kit-Kat, whaddya say?" He teases me and I have to fight off my blush. It's true. Peeta and I used to play one-on-one all the time before Glimmer came along. It was so much fun. We'd joke around and maybe push a little, but it was just the way we were.
Peeta is right, it had been a while. A small frown forms on my face for a split second. But that's his fault..or hers...or both of theirs. I let out a small sigh and nod to Cinna. "Sure, let's get it over with." I know Peeta notices my change in demeanor, but I am in no mood to talk about it. Especially with him.
I kick off the ball and we are soon a flurry of fancy tricks, jukes, and elbows. Every kick I land on the ball feels like one to my stomach. Every blow accompanied by an insult. Fat. Kick. Slut. Kick. Ugly. Kick. Over and over again until I don't even realize it, but a tear drips down my face. Then another and another. Finally, Peeta notices.
"Katniss? Hey, what's going on?" He grabs my shoulder, but I wrench away from him and set off towards the parking lot, grabbing my bag on the way. Practice is already over anyway, so Coach can't get mad at me. I hear him call after me, but I ignore it.
I get in my car. Starting the ignition and immediately speeding off onto the street. I get home in record time, aware that I've most likely broken five traffic laws but I don't care. I park the car and rush into the house. I make a beeline for the bathroom and shut the door, locking it. I throw myself to the floor next to the toilet. I'm sobbing as I force a finger down my throat, trying to throw up. But it's no use, my stomach is empty from my earlier purging and I'm just dry heaving.
I'm desperate, though, frantic for something to relieve my pain. Anything. Then a thought dawns on me. I open up the drawers, searching for what I need. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Finally I feel it on my fingers. I grab it and pull it out of the drawer.
I take a deep breath and bring the razor blade down on the skin below my elbow. It stings and tears well to my eyes as does the blood from the slit in my arm. But it's a welcome reprieve from the pain I feel inside me. I make another cut, and another, and another. In the end there are seven, all on the inside of my elbow and all easy to cover up.
I bring the box of razors up to my room with me, though, just in case.
A/N: Sorry for any mistakes! Read and Review please, I'd love all of your input.