Summary: i won't hate myself to be loved by you. AU - set of ficlets showing Alex's first kills in three different realities.
Rating: R
Pairing: Hints of Alex/Goodwin and Alex/Ethan
Word Count: 1131
Warning: character deaths - as in plural
Dedicated to: Keara, for inspiring me to write this completely screwed up fic. Thanks! ;)
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em yet. Call me in a decade, we'll see how things have panned out.

i. see me fall

You linger in the shadows – hiding behind trees and between dense shrubberies. You watch them intently. You watch; and you wait for him to tell you when.

This isn't like the other tests. This is something new.

You're slightly surprised that the odd couple hasn't noticed you yet – Tom keeps telling you that your stealth is sloppy and needs work. But he's also told you stories; stories of people outside your camp, and how weak, how dim they are. The pretty blonde and her companion are just two of those people – people who don't understand your cause.

Well, that's what you keep telling yourself to justify what's about to happen at least.

"Hello there."

And there he is. You watch the couple glance up at him in surprise; weary and alert of their surroundings all at once. You creep closer, tiptoeing in towards them; waiting, watching.

"Ethan, where's Jack?"

He looks so calm, so collected, so detached. How does he do that, you wonder. You can't make that distinction between yourself, this is so new. You can't think of them as people anymore.

Now, they're prey.

The clearing is silent as the man wraps his arm around the woman. The wind whistles through the trees like a child's lullaby and you wait.

Ethan smiles.

And like a dangerous predator in the wild – it's what you are; it's in your blood – you lunge.

They say his name was Charlie, and he was your first taste. The blood washes off your hands, but it stains your eyes – and you think that might be worse.

ii. see me cry

You can't let your betrayal be in vain. After everything you went through, to keep this girl safe, you cannot let that all be for nothing. After everything you've lost –

You sniffle back a sob as you skulk in the shadows, watching the action unfold before you. Watching the man who practically raised you fight for his life.

He's not a good man. You misjudged your 'family'; they're not good people.

Well, at least that's what you say to make yourself feel better about what you're going to do.

The metallic of the gun is surprisingly warm in your hands. You've only held a gun once before, only for a brief moment. It was Goodwin's; and he promptly snatched it back and reprimanded you fiercely for touching something that isn't yours. Of course, the principle should apply here; your 'family' is trying to take the blonde girl's baby and it isn't their's either.

Not that they'd ever see it that way.

They've got him on the ground now. The older man and the brunette lady are hovering close to the blonde girl you saved; you know she's safe with them so you reluctantly tear your eyes away from here to make sure they haven't killed your prey yet.

Oh god, you can't believe you're really going to do this.

"Winner by a knockout. Nice one doc," the blonde man drawls. "Now maybe somebody can tell me who or what this son of a bitch is."

That's your cue. You know your role off by heart; like an understudy of a play. That's what you are; second best. Because even if you do this – maybe especially if you do – Ethan will always be better then you. You're really let these strange people do your dirty work for you, by knocking him around so much.

You sigh. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that the girl is safe. You can do this.

He's moving to rise, and all the men's guns are on him. You hear the blonde man snap at him, but the words are faint under the sound of your own gun clicking and twirling as the bullet positions itself; ready to strike at any moment.

Yes. It's time.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

All eyes; all guns are on you know. You lower your own gun in unison to Ethan's falling body. A job well done, a pat on the back; and you're slithering back into the shadows before they can even shoot.

iii. see me fly

You've been watching them the whole time. How could you not? You see such a different side of Goodwin when he's with these people; yet it's so similar to the Goodwin you know. Sometimes, you can't even tell the difference, and that's when you're not sure whether to be scared or not.

He loves her. You can tell. If it's not love, it's at the very least lust, and you're not sure which is worse. You slip into their camp at night, and sometimes you watch her. Sometimes, you wish you could just slid into her skin, take over her mind, be her so maybe he'd care for you as much as he obviously cares for her. Those are normally the nights you meet Ethan along the coastline. You try not to think over that too much, because he's just not Goodwin.

You've been watching him with her, out in this clearing. You can read their body language so well now, you can tell the second he confirms that he's one of your 'family members'. It makes you want to laugh and cry and scream at him to stop-go-kill. You settle on waiting, watching to see how this unfolds.

Of course; you're not the least bit surprised when she tackles him. You literally cry out this time, just a soft cry which they wouldn't have heard. But you don't move. It's not time yet.

So you wait.

It doesn't take long for the fight to escalate. She has the upper hand over him, you can tell. But this is Goodwin; the man who taught you everything you needed to know about life on this island, and you're sure he'll win. You're sure he'll beat her.

They roll, they fall, and they've tumbled somewhere down the hill. You swiftly move to follow, and just as you reach the edge to look over at them, you see her impale him on a stick.

You freeze.

You never anticipated this. He's strong, he's resilient. He's not supposed to be brought down so easily; especially by a female.

The rage you feel licks within, red-hot and burning. NO, you scream within; and it's not until she turns to face you that you realize maybe you actually screamed it.

That's when you attack.

You never really felt you had much brute strength. If anything, you always felt meek; weak; less. But anger is pulsing through you like a burning ember, and you attack Ana with everything you have.

It takes mere seconds – your hands wrapped viciously around her neck; her head smashed into the ground. Red smears over your fingers – you'll never be clean again.

You curl up beside Goodwin and sigh away to sleep. You'll wash away the blood tomorrow.