CAUTION: BEFORE YOU READ, YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT SUICIDE IS VERY MUCH IMPLIED, AS IS SELF-HATRED. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS IS TRIGGERING. I LOVE YOU, BUT I DO NOT WANT YOU TO READ SOMETHING THAT IS TOO MUCH OKAY? THANK YOU.
AN: The fic that was supposed to be "Take It To The Grave (But Please Don't)."
Barry's version this time, obviously. Maybe I'll do one with Kara next...
His grip on the chair tightens. Any more effort, he feels like the metal could cave in under his palms. but then again, he's just the Flash; he's fast, not strong. If he were Oliver or Kara, then it would be an entirely different story.
The floor seems like a good and safe thing to stare at so that's exactly what he fixates his eyes on, hyper aware of everyone being in the med bay there with him.
Is it just him, or is it really hot?
"But there's clearly something wrong with him, Cait," Iris insists. She's somewhere hovering by his side, the other side that isn't occupied by Kara. He's so out of it for trying to keep it together that he doesn't even know which side is which anymore; all he knows is that Iris is close enough for him to smell her cinnamon scent and the hand on his shoulder is enough that he'd know Kara's dainty yet strong grip anywhere.
"He hasn't said a word in over half an hour," Joe adds. For a split second, he feels Kara's hand tense, as if asking him if he's all right.
He can't. It's too much. He can't risk opening his mouth—
It's only been half an hour? He feels like that time he's spent hours inside of nanoseconds; he's almost completely wrung out and ready to give in to his exhaustion.
"There's nothing!" Caitlin answers back, almost in a snapping tone. She sounds irate, but he knows it's not directed at anyone, it's more at her own self not knowing what's wrong. "I've done a full body scan on top of giving him an MRI and a couple x-rays. Alex and I have double and triple checked. There's nothing wrong with him physically. All injuries he's sustained from the fight have already healed."
"So why isn't he talking?" Dig asks.
"Maybe it's psychological?" Felicity suggests, trying hard not to give away how she's essentially bordering the edge of panic.
"Maybe," Alex says agreeably, "because there's nothing wrong with him neurologically."
"How do we fix it?" Oliver asks exasperatedly, almost making him flinch from the sheer terror evident in his voice that lacks the volume to match his desperation. At the sound of his voice, he wants Oliver there next to him with Kara as an added comfort.
He wouldn't let Iris leave; she's his sister and best friend.
He can't anymore. Not only is he physically and mentally in great strain but it's also slowly burning him internally, inflicting physical pain from within his chest and head that already has him lost the fight. His mouth opens to its own accord and—
"I'm not okay," he confesses without meaning to, words tumbling out from his lips like vomit he can't force back down. He wants to say that he's fine, that there's nothing wrong, that it's all in a hero's work; he wants to lie to ease them of their worrying, but he can't.
"Dude." Only Cisco can say the very casual nickname in a genuinely consoling tone, putting a firm hand of reverence and reassurance on his other shoulder that Kara isn't holding on to. "It's all right, we'll figure it out."
"Yeah, Barry," Wally says, probably beaming widely as he does that signature shrug of complete faith that he always does.
"I-I'm sorry," he says again involuntarily. "I've been trying to fight it for your sakes', but it's really hard and now I can't stop."
"What are you talking about, Bare?" Dig asks, gruff but concerned.
"I can't— Oh god, I can't stop. I'm trying, I've been fighting it, but I'm really tired, the words just keep coming—"
"What going on?" Joe asks, probably not directly to him but he replies anyway.
"—And I'm really scared because I can't— Joe? I hate this! I hate that all I really want to do is just tell you everything, like how I really hate Cisco's protein bars—"
"Whoa, hey man!" Cisco lightly complains, confusion coloring his tone. "Those are a labor of love!"
He wants to make a some sort of retort back, but he isn't able to think of anything in this state where his mind and mouth are essentially one.
"—taste horrible, like wax and cardboard—"
"Okay, now that's just rude." This elicits a couple hearty but slightly confused chuckles from the occupants in the room that almost sound identical to sighs of relief.
"Well, he's not wrong," Wally says. "They pretty much taste exactly what Barry said."
"Hey, you know what—"
"Cisco," Caitlin interrupts.
"Fine!"
And he wants to laugh too, purely out of obligation and to alleviate the tension that's stuck in the room.
But. He. Can't.
"Thank God for Joe and Wally though 'cause at least they can actually cook—"
Iris scoffs. "I cook, too, you know."
"—but Iris— no, Iris, you can't cook to save anyone's life." Why can't he stop?! "Why can't I stop?! Someone duct tape my mouth because when I try to stop, there's this burning in my chest and my head hurts so much. Also, Ollie makes amazing meals and Kara's pies are literally out of this world—"
There's a grown at the awful pun, probably from Winn.
"—but I'm biased because I love them and they're dating me—" Kara's hand squeeze his shoulder a bit. "—which I don't really get, much less deserve, because they're them and I'm me and I hate myself."
He tries to lift his hands to clamp down his damn mouth that just keeps running off, but his hands are pretty damn numb from gripping the arms of his metal chair. Tears burn his eyes and he shuts them, allowing them to ooze from the corners; he can't bear to look at anything anymore, not even the floor that he's found comfort in.
"What—" The rest of Iris' sentence die.
"God, everything's my fault—"
"It's not—" Felicity tries to say, but he's not stopping.
"No!" He yells now, half because he can't stop voluntarily and half because it just feels fractionally better to scream out his frustrations. "Everything's my fault, Felicity! I do something and something bad happens like, I don't know, a singularity ripping the city apart, or someone makes a sacrifice on my behalf!"
He's a squirming disaster on his chair; he can feel his hair matted to his clammy forehead and his breathing is definitely labored.
"I killed my parents, Ronnie, Eddie, Dante... I'm the reason Iris almost died, Caitlin, Alex, Felicity, Lena! I'm the one who selfishly got Baby Sara erased from existence—"
"Barry—" Someone else says; he's not too sure anymore, too dizzy to pinpoint the voices now.
"I'm sorry, Caitlin," he says brokenly, not caring anymore. He's just so tired. "I'm sorry, Iris, Cisco, Dig, Alex..."
"Barry, stop." Kara says, barely above a whisper; the call of her voice compels him to open his eyes and look up to look at her. There's that stupid twinge in his heart when he sees the lack of her absurdly optimistic relief that is always on her face that he finds comforting in times of desperation.
Now would be one of those times.
He pictures himself speeding out of there and just right into a different dimension altogether; after this, he just never wants to see any of them again—
But he's stuck. His feet won't move on his command.
"—feet won't move on my command— wow, you're really beautiful, Kara. So beautiful and strong, and I'm not just talking about your alien strength, which is still so cool, but you're strong as a person and I love that about you and when I look at you, I keep hoping—"
"Truth serum!" Cisco, Winn and Felicity spit out at the same time, staring at each other with matching wide eyes, glistening with morose recognition.
"—that I could have just an ounce of your infinite positivity— Truth serum! No, truth spell, I think," he says, tearing his eyes from Kara's to finally look at the collective, nodding profusely. "Bad guy was a witch. Magic. She put a curse on me, a truth spell, making me tell you the truth and the truth is—" He cuts himself off by yelling, making the girls flinch. He screams in the hopes of stopping but he's still somehow managing to talk. "I just want to kill myself!"
That's it. Every dirty little secret, all the insecurities and dark thought he's ever had are never going to be his anymore.
Iris holds back a sob and chokes. All her life, she's only seen him as someone who is steadfast in his optimism and contentment despite all the pain and loss he's gone through. What a joke he probably is now to her, right?
Joe covers his mouth, Felicity's eyes water, Alex's hand twitch and Caitlin's cheeks are wet.
And Kara?
All he knows is that she's let go now. He doesn't dare look at her again.
Instead, he looks at Oliver; the man, known for his unwavering stoic expressions, looks more shaken than ever.
"—I've screwed up everyone's lives and basically the course of time because I'm so damn selfish! I used to think that the world needs a hero but it obviously doesn't need the Flash!"
Wally shrinks back a little. "Bare..."
"Not Kid Flash, sorry. You're a good son, an awesome brother and an even better hero than I'll ever be— Truth spell! Caitlin!" He snaps his head to her, communicating every single bit of his desperation to her with his eyes.
She flinches at the abrupt mention of her name, as if she's just remembered that she's the medic amongst them.
"Please, help me! Stop this! It's a curse! It's a truth spell, truth is I've already tried to kill myself but the Speed Force stopped me—"
He looks back at Oliver. He can see his fingers twitch at his sides.
"—I really thought I could make a difference in Central City, but all I'm doing is abusing my powers for my own benefit, I can't do anything right, I can't even end my own life right!"
Oliver turns on his heel and exits the med bay.
"Oliver!" It isn't Felicity or Kara that calls out to him but Dig. He shakes his head before following Oliver out the door.
"Ollie!" He shouts too. God he really just screws everything up. "—really screw everything up! I don't deserve him. It's okay, I honestly wouldn't be too surprised if he broke up with me because I'm selfish."
"Maybe we can use that tape now?" Winn suggests, causing Iris to flick the back of his head and Kara to glare at him. "Ow, what? He said it, not me, all right?"
Tears fall freely as wide, panicked, hazy green eyes meet the pair of pretty blue ones that stayed in the room as he shrieks, "I'm selfish. I'm always so goddamn selfish! I saved my mom and I killed Dante! I doomed the world with a twisted future version of me! I made Eddie shoot himself. I keep screwing up the timeline and everything else!"
"Barry..." Kara starts, somehow making him shut up for a second. He pants as he tries to listen in. "None of this is your fault—"
"Stop caring!" He screams at her. "Why do you care? Why do you all care? Don't you realize the world would be better off without me?"
His foot twitches and the burning sensation within his chest evaporates. Suddenly, the urge to say every single thing he's ever thought vanishes. He grips the arms of the chair one last time before disappearing into a gust of wind and a streak of yellow lightning. He ignores the desperate calling of his name from several different people.
As he is just about to pass the time vault, he feels two piercing sensations on his back.
He barely makes it outside when his vision whites out.
"He's dead! When he wakes up, I'm gonna kill him!"
"Don't even joke about that, Iris..."
"No! Okay, you're his brother, I get that! But, Wally, I was the one who grew up with him! We told each other everything, he's my best friend! The fact that I'm just learning this now..."
"Yeah, we get it..."
"The signs were there, too. I— God, how did we miss it?"
"The signs?"
"Have you not noticed it at all? He saves the day, yeah, but he's all too willing to put himself directly in the line of fire, regardless of his own safety."
"His nightmares..."
"What?"
"He's barely home as it is, but when he is, he doesn't sleep unless Ollie and I force him too. He stays asleep for about an hour before he wakes himself up screaming. We tried talking to him about it, that he can talk to us or anyone else he trusts, but he keeps insisting he's fine."
"He's not."
"Yeah, clearly."
"..."
"What do we do now?"
"..."
"I don't know."
"Where's Oliver?"
He doesn't care if Barry wakes up to him crying. He's human, and he's allowed human moments.
God, how could he have been so stupid?
So blind?
So damn oblivious?
He hadn't meant to leave the room so abruptly, but he couldn't help it. His body was on autopilot, geared towards a goal of retrieving something. He didn't even stop when Dig was so insistent on making him turn back.
Thank god he'd walked out of that room. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to stop Barry from disappearing altogether.
He doesn't know what he would've done had Barry gone.
He probably owes some sort of apology to everyone, but he knows he owes the biggest one to Kara.
And to Barry? An apology doesn't even cover what he owes him.
God, he loves him so much, too much that it's making him insane with grief and worry.
The door opens behind him and when the sound of the footsteps echo across the room, he doesn't need to check who it is.
"I'm sorry," he says softly, eyes not leaving Barry as Kara's dainty hand wraps around his forearm since the hand is preoccupied holding something.
"It's okay."
"I had to go and get something."
"You had to go get your mask?"
When Barry wakes up, he's not going to tell him, but show him what he means, not just to the world, but to his friends, his family, to Kara, to him.
"He made it for me."
"What?"
He smiles a little at the memory. "He barely knew me. I was all but rude to him and yet he did everything in his power to save my life."
Barry not only saved his life with what little medical knowledge he'd had, but he had also kept his secret and had given this mask to help protect it. His grip on the little green mask tightens when he remembers the strange fluttering feeling in his chest when he had opened Barry's present all those years ago.
"What's this?" He had asked him when Barry had handed him the box crudely wrapped in newspaper.
"Just... you know, an early Christmas present. Figured the Arrow deserves one, for... you know... yeah." Barry had answered back, vaguely and shyly.
Nine months later, and the same Barry Allen had come running six hundred miles in minutes to ask for advice on how to help people with his newfound ability.
"I'm just not sure I'm like you, Oliver..."
"You're right, Barry. You can be better."
"You can be better," he whispers now to Barry as his empty hand holds on tightly to Barry's own one that isn't connected to the IV line. "You have me, you have Kara, Joe, your siblings and literally everyone else in this building and more. You may not see it, but... God, we love you. We all care about you, and we're not letting you off so easy."
He leans forward and kisses his forehead, tears freely falling onto Barry's hair and face. "You can be better."
Kara squeezes her hand around his forearm as she says, "He will be."
AN: Based on real experiences with real people who don't have "give up" in their vocabulary.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Feel free to leave a comment; they mean the world to me and help me out a lot.