I Always Hoped
"I never really gave up on you," she said. "Not really. I always hoped." -Ginny to Harry
Cover Art: Art by blvnk, used with permission
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. I'm not making money from this, it's just for fun
Starting Over
Harry's POV
There was a knock on my bedroom door, but I didn't bother responding. I couldn't be bothered doing a lot of things lately.
I was living at the Burrow and they'd added on a room just for me. Nowhere had ever felt like home, but the Burrow was close.
I was of age now, I could live anywhere, but I didn't want to be alone. The memories were too strong, the nightmares were worse.
My door opened and I forced a smile when I saw it was my girlfriend Ginny. She smiled back, but it was equally as forced. Things had been strained between us lately, mainly because we were both battling with our grief. She approached me cautiously and it broke my heart. We'd never really gotten a chance to start, this was supposed to be it, but it wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.
My eyes never left hers.
"You got a letter," she said quietly, handing it to me.
I noticed the Hogwarts seal immediately and my chest constricted painfully. It had only been a couple of months since the final battle, a battle in which we lost more than we gained. Ginny shared my pain and then turned to leave.
"Please stay," I said.
She looked at me shocked. I didn't blame her, I'd been pushing everyone away, staying silent; it was easier that way. Everyone was grieving and it was all my fault. If only I'd done things differently, if only I'd sacrificed myself sooner, done something to save everyone the pain they were currently feeling. I knew they all blamed Voldemort, but I couldn't help but shoulder some of it too.
Ginny sat on my bed, she was too far away, but that was my fault too. I grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the floor with me, positioning her between my legs. Ginny hesitated for a moment, before leaning against my chest and sighing in contentment. I set the letter aside and hugged her to me. I needed to be kinder to her, kinder to myself. She was the one I wanted and I was denying myself because I was certain that I didn't deserve happiness right now.
"I'm sorry," I said, but Ginny was having none of that.
"It's okay, Harry, I understand."
I held her to me tighter. No one truly understood, but out of everyone Ginny knew me best. This wasn't just about defeating Voldemort, this was about everything, my whole life. I'd somewhat dealt with all the stuff the Dursley's had put me through, but everything since had been left untouched. I was so consumed with my need for justice that I hadn't really processed anything, but now, in the calmness left behind, I couldn't help but think of everything and it hurt so much.
"I don't mean to shut you out," I said, breathing Ginny in.
"Are you going to open it?" Ginny asked. "It's probably from Headmaster McGonagall."
Even saying that had my mind reeling. Dumbledore was dead, I hadn't processed that at all and I didn't want to. The things Aberforth had said about his brother, how Dumbledore used people for his own gain no matter the cost… Had Dumbledore done that to me? Snape's memories backed this up and it had me confused. I idolized Dumbledore and now I had no idea what I thought about him.
Ginny stayed silent, giving me time to make my decision.
At least McGonagall had been made interim Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I couldn't stand it if the role had gone to anyone else.
I picked up the letter, staring at the familiar red wax seal. It seemed like so long ago when Hagrid had given me my first Hogwarts letter to read. My life before I knew I was a wizard was not much more than that of an unwanted animal, and because of that, I didn't regret attending Hogwarts and everything that brought with it. All the hell, all the destruction, all the loss.
I broke the seal and pulled the letter out. It may have been mailed with a Hogwarts envelope and seal, but the piece of parchment was blank and just held McGonagall's handwriting. I held it out, so both Ginny and I could read it together.
Hello Harry
I do hope that this letter finds you well. As you know, Hogwarts will be resuming on September 1st and Mrs. Weasley has already signed you all up.
What I wanted to talk about is something different. The rebuilding of Hogwarts has just been completed and I wanted to offer you the chance to come by before term starts and have a look around.
I've been here the whole time, overseeing everything, making sure Hogwarts becomes what it once was, but we both know that can never truly happen. It's up to you whether or not you wish to come, but I think it would be wise.
No need to reply, I will be awaiting your arrival.
See you soon
Minerva McGonagall
"What are you thinking?" Ginny asked.
I only had one thought. "Will you come with me?"
Ginny didn't hesitate. "Of course. When do you want to go?"
Never.
"The sooner the better," I said.
Ginny stood up and pulled me with her. I didn't know how long I'd been sitting on the floor for, but my body was stiff and sore from it. Ginny's hand never left mine as she led me from my bedroom. I had to admit, it was good to get out. We went down the many stairs and I kept my gaze on my feet, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes, but I could feel them watching me.
"We're going for a walk," Ginny announced once we were downstairs.
No one said anything, no one ever said anything.
Ginny led me outside and I clutched her hand tightly. The Burrow was my safe place and I really didn't want to leave it. When I heard that Hogwarts was being rebuilt, so school could resume in the fall, I didn't want to return, but Arthur, of all people, insisted that we all return to finish our final year.
It made sense. None of us had graduated, we hadn't taken our NEWTs, we were essentially all school dropouts. George was coming back too, but only because he didn't want to be alone, much like me. I think he was dealing with everything the worst, but I didn't blame him. I couldn't imagine losing a twin, they did everything together, it wasn't fair.
One bright side, Ginny was in the seventh year now too. She'd attended Hogwarts last year and although she didn't do her exams, it didn't matter. She'd passed her OWLs in her fifth year and sixth year exams were just there to make sure you were on track. I was glad she was going to be there, because out of everyone, she was the one I wanted to be around.
We made our way to the middle of the field and I stopped, facing Ginny. I was scared to return to Hogwarts, but I couldn't admit that out loud. Then again, I didn't think I needed to. Ginny knew, she always knew. I needed to get this over and done with. Once I went, I could come back to the Burrow and continue to ignore everything until September first.
I gripped both of Ginny's shoulders before apparating us to Hogsmeade. I had closed my eyes, and when we arrived, I kept them closed. This was too much, I couldn't be back here, I didn't want to see it all. Ginny turned us around.
"It's okay, Harry," she said and I slowly opened my eyes.
We were near the shrieking shack and Ginny had turned us so the castle was behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief, but even looking at the shrieking shack brought back too many unwanted memories. Sirius and Remus… Snape too. I couldn't help but remember it all.
"I can't do this," I said, knowing that Hogwarts would bring forth more memories than this shack. I didn't want to go through it all.
"Harry, I know it's hard," Ginny said, "but you need to do this. I hate seeing you locked up in your room. Even through all the bad, you were always strong and pushing forward, but now… you're doing nothing and I hate seeing you like this, it's not you. Please," she hugged me tightly, "please try."
"Don't leave me," I said, crushing our chests closer together.
"Never, Harry."
Ginny turned us around and I caught sight of the castle in the distance. It didn't look anything like it last did. It wasn't destroyed, it was perfect. If only all the lives lost could be restored just as easily, but it wasn't possible.
As we walked towards the castle, hand-in-hand, I tried to remember all the good times I had here, there were a lot. Seeing it again was almost like the first time I saw it. The castle was so huge, so looming, but in an impressive way, not intimidating at all. It was beautiful, my first true home since losing my parents.
We entered through the gates and more memories assaulted me, all good. Hagrid's hut, the Quidditch pitch …where I brought back Cedric's body… it was all tainted. I needed to focus on the positives. They may be surrounded by negatives, but I needed to try.
The castle doors opened and Nearly Headless Nick greeted us.
"Harry, how have you been?" he asked.
I'd always liked Sir Nick.
"Oh, you know," I said, forcing a smile, "life is a little less exciting, but safer."
Sir Nick laughed and it put me further at ease.
Ginny smiled at me, still holding onto my hand, as we walked towards the great hall.
"It's odd," I said as I looked around, all the destruction was gone, "it's as though nothing happened, but it did."
"That's not true," Ginny said, "you can see it if you look close enough."
I had no idea what she was talking about. Ginny pointed to a cracked piece of stone in front of us.
"That wasn't cracked before," she said.
"How do you know that?" I asked. It seemed too trivial to me, why would I notice if a piece of slate had been cracked or not?
"Well, you know," Ginny said, "I spent most of my first years here staring at the ground. Better that then meeting your eyes and saying something stupid."
Oh.
"Even afterwards," she said, "I did it out of habit, but it's still there, McGonagall's made sure of it. Those who weren't here, won't know all the details and nor should they. Those of us who were here, we'll see them, they won't hit us in the face, but they'll be simple reminders like a cracked piece of stone that wasn't cracked before. We'll never forget what happened, Harry, and that's okay because we're stronger because of it.
"You defeated the Dark Lord, never forget that, Harry. I always knew you wouldn't be happy unless you were hunting him, but now that he's gone, so has your happiness. I'm certain you'll find it again though, given enough time, and I will be here for you."
I couldn't help but stare at the woman I loved. She had always known what to say to me.
"I love you," I said for most likely the millionth time.
Ginny blushed and I hoped that would never change. "I love you too, Harry."
"Ooh, Harry and Ginny sitting in a tree, k-i-ss-i-n-g," someone said from behind us.
We spun to face them and my mouth fell open in shock. What? …How? …Why?
Ginny gained her senses back first.
"Are you stupid?" she asked. "No, I take that back, I know you're stupid. How could you do this? …How?" Ginny's emotions overtook her.
I couldn't look away. There, right in front of us, was the ghost of Fred Weasley.
"Only fools come back as ghosts," Ginny said, tears falling down her face.
"And I'm no fool," Fred smirked, "and here I thought you'd be happy to see me. What about you, Harry? Are you happy to see me?"
"I'd say more shocked than happy," I said, still unable to comprehend what I was seeing. "Ah, Fred, care to explain what you're doing here?" I asked.
"Well, I died, obviously," Fred said, "and I went to some kind of in-between place where they explained my options. I was all for crossing over, as I said, I'm no fool, but then another idea was presented to me. Apparently twins, if the bond is strong enough, can come back as ghosts until the other twin dies. They tested mine and Georgie's bond and what do you know, it kicked butt. I'm tied to him until death, but it could be worse, I miss him."
"Why are you here?" Ginny asked. "It's been hell at home, we've all been grieving you and you've just been here."
"Couldn't," Fred shrugged, "I'm tied to the place of my death until George comes and we're reunited. McGonagall offered to send him an owl, but I held her off. I didn't want to rush anything and then when McGonagall told me that he was coming back when term started, well, I figured we'd be reunited soon enough."
"I… I…" Ginny faltered, "I missed you, Fred. …I wish I could hug you right now."
Fred chuckled darkly, "well, there'll be none of that, but I'm just as alive as I once was, I got all my brains. It's kinda cool actually. I can sneak up on people, go through walls, McGonagall can't even punish me because I'm dead. It's awesome. I've definitely been giving Peeves a run for his money. …Oh, Ginny, don't cry over me. I'm okay, really."
Ginny sunk to her knees and I went down with her, holding her to me.
"It hurts too much," she whispered, "I didn't think I'd ever get to see him again and now he's here. What will the other's think? I don't want them to feel this way too."
"This is a good thing," I said, remembering how happy, but bittersweet seeing my parents and uncles had made me feel. "Fred hasn't doomed himself, he's just here until George dies. It's pretty brilliant actually."
"Thanks, Harry," Fred said, "I knew someone would see the brilliance of it. Now, I don't want to interrupt your visit or anything, but could you maybe tell George I'm here. I thought I could wait, but seeing you two… I just want to go home."
"Of course," I said, "I'll use the floo network." I stood up and Ginny stayed kneeling. "I'll be back," I told her.
As I left them, I let what this meant settle and it had me smiling. Fred was back and I knew once the Weasleys got over their initial shock, they'd be happy too.
I passed by McGonagall on the way and she smiled at me, nodding her head. I nodded back and went to her old office. The floo powder was already waiting for me. I took a handful and threw it in the fire. This was an important task. I took a couple of deep breaths before stepping into the flames.
"The Burrow."
I arrived, panting and sweating because of the enormity of this. What if George didn't come? What if they questioned me? What if this failed? I stepped out of the flames and everyone's eyes were on me. I found George sitting in the corner, his eyes completely sunken and lifeless.
"George," I said, picking up a handful of floo powder.
His eyes met mine.
"Come on, mate," I said.
He looked at me warily for a second before numbly standing up and making his way over to me. He didn't say anything, or question me. I threw the powder in the fire and wrapped my arm around George, stepping into the flames. I said my destination as quietly as I could, not wanting to spook George or alert the others to our destination. Fred and George needed to do this alone.
George stiffened when we arrived, I knew he didn't want to be here. I still didn't say anything, it would be simpler to show him. I led the way towards the great hall, keeping my arm wrapped around him. Ginny was still on the ground, but she was sitting cross-legged and she seemed calmer. Everything would be alright.
"Ginny," George said, his voice weak from lack of use, "are you okay?"
"Oh, I see how it is," Fred said, "I get Harry to fetch you and all you care about is Ginny, I see some things never change."
"F-Fred," George said, turning to face him.
"Yeah, mate, it's me."
George broke down, staring at Fred. "I knew you wouldn't leave me, I knew it."
I went over to Ginny and helped her up, wanting to give the twins some privacy.
"We'll meet you back at the Burrow," I told them, walking away.
I led Ginny towards McGonagall's old office.
"Are you done here?" Ginny asked.
"No," I said and she stopped to look at me, "but that's okay," I said, "we have our whole seventh year to work everything out."
Ginny and I took the floo network back to the Burrow and Mrs. Weasley looked at us anxiously, before staring back at the fire.
"Where's George?" she asked.
"He'll be back soon, Mom," Ginny said.
I went over to an empty seat on the couch and pulled Ginny onto my lap, waiting for the twins to return.
"You seem better," Ron said, "have a good trip."
"Yeah." I smiled at him.
The flames changed color and we all looked towards them.
"George, thank god," Mrs. Weasley said immediately, standing up.
"I'm not George," Fred said, stepping out of the flames in all of his ghost glory, "he is."
George appeared in the fire behind Fred. "And you call yourself our mother," he said, his voice breaking.
Everyone was in a state of shock.
"Oh, Mom," Fred said, floating towards her, "I'm home, it's okay, I'm home now."