Well, here's my frist Destiel fic! There's no dialogue or anthing, just kind of inner monolouge-esq musings. I believe this is what peopel call a drabble? I hope you enjoy it regardless. C=
The moment a secret is said aloud, it ceases to be that; a secret.
Before he'd taken to Earth, Castiel had never really had any. He was an angel, after all. What could he possibly ever have to hide?
He considered himself a noble man; a righteous man. And rightly so. He was an angel of the lord and was proud of it. There was nothing he would deny of the one he called his Father.
But this...
He had become too close to the humans in his charge. He was very aware of that. In fact, he'd become hyper aware of how he acted around them. He'd tried to be distant, he'd tried to keep his head level, but like a deliciously addictive drug, he found himself running straight to them at every mutter they cast in his direction.
He didn't find it unpleasant exactly. Honestly, Castiel loved everything about Earth and the creatures on it. He loved the enigmas that were humans, with their seemingly endless emotions. He would often find himself sitting on a park bench and just watch them. They were completely fascinating to him; he loved them all.
But he had his favourites. Sam and Dean Winchester were the most fascinating of all. The way they would constantly dangle their mortality on thinning pieces of string to keep the other alive, knowing full well what would be waiting for them on the over side... It was fascinating. Completely and totally mesmerizing. So much so, he couldn't look away.
And then there were others. Bobby, with his devotion to the Winchester men, surpassing by far the love of just a simple friend. Ellen and her intensely protective love for her daughter. Even Chuck with his determination to continue his books despite the very real threats from his main characters.
But more than anyone else, Castiel found himself interested in Dean Winchester.
At first it was just curiosity. He wanted to know what made him tick. What kind of man would surrender himself to the untold terrors of hell for his brother?
Of course, there were many people who would swear up and down that they'd do anything for a loved one, but when it came down to it? No. If they knew what would lay in wait for them, they most certainly would not. Hell was mostly made up of fools who didn't know what they were getting themselves into.
But Dean? Dean knew.
And Castiel was captivated.
As time when on, he only found himself becoming more addicted. At first he didn't understand why; but then he found Anna. She was more human than angel, and Castiel was jealous. She understood things that he could not, and it was infuriating. She made him second guess himself and look at the world in a whole new light. He only became more confused than ever.
And when the time came for him to take her away? Dean had looked at him with such contempt, such sorrow, such despair. Castiel had never really felt guilty before, but it stabbed into him like a knife. He hated it.
With Anna's words stuck firmly in his mind, he started to notice things more and more. He noticed that while he did love both the Winchester men, he was drawn far more to Dean than Sam.
He felt they had a profound bond, one that far surpassed that of simple friendship, on his part at least. And honestly, he didn't think that was a bad thing. Not at all; it was special. Precious. Something to be held close to his heart, and he wasn't ashamed to admit it.
But then he noticed other things; thing he shouldn't. The way his lips curled upwards when he was thinking of a private joke, the way his eyes crinkled slightly when he laughed. He even noticed the subtle crack in his voice when he was just a little too late to save someone.
Then he noticed things about himself. The desire to be close to him (despite Dean's continuous complaints about personal space). The prickling of his skin when their hands accidently brushed close. The constant way he found his eyes drawing up to study Dean's face with great interest. He'd even noticed an increase in his heart beat and sharp intakes of breath he didn't even need whenever Dean turned his eyes up to stare back at him. It was all very... human.
He pondered very briefly whether or not his vessel had slowly begun to take control again, clouding his senses, but no. That was impossible.
The truth was, Castiel had become far too human. And that was the scariest thought he'd ever had. It felt like a betrayal to his Father, the lord. Angel's could not love humans in that way, it was unthinkable. To do such a thing... Castiel would become like Anna. Like Lucifer. He would become fallen; the thought alone terrified him more than anything else.
And so, he kept his feelings hidden deep down within himself. He would tell no one, give no indication towards his unmentionable feelings. He would continue to resolutely watch over the Winchesters; his friends, and swallow the urge to stretch his hand across the small distance from himself to Dean. He would deny his feelings with abundance and secretly hold them close to his heart where only he could see them.
It didn't matter that he couldn't convey his true emotions. In all likelihood, Castiel supposed what he had started to feel was one sided, but he was fine with that. He was close to Dean, he could laugh with him, sing with him and even cry with him, and that was all that really mattered.
Because he had to protect his friends.
Because he could never become fallen.
Because the moment a secret was said aloud it was no longer a secret.
Because more than anything, Castiel loved Dean.
I... Hope that made any sence. XD