Title: It Was Almost You
Author: Claddagh Ring
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
Pairing(s): Rachel/Blaine (Raine) and Kurt/Blaine (Klaine) – both pre-romance with a smidgen of actual romance leaning on the Rainy side.
AN: As this explores Rachel and Blaine's first and only (canon) date, it obviously takes place during "Blame It On The Alcohol" but to be a little more specific, after Kurt and Blaine argue about his sexuality but before Rachel kisses Blaine at the Lima Bean. It's not going to actually take you through the evening, because I feel like there was so much more that actually happened between the two than just going to see Love Story. So this is kind of my head-canon, I guess.
"This is a disaster," he thought as he absentmindedly broke a breadstick in half, feeling more and more awkward by the second. The movie had been easy; they sat in the theater, made small conversation about school and singing, commenting on the other couples who trickled in for Love Story. The lights went down, the titles came up and he tried to use the following two hours as a kind of a last-ditch opportunity to forget everything but the date he was supposed to be on. He wanted to give it a fair shot, but his head was still spinning and now he was sitting in a booth at Breadstix, waiting for Rachel to come out of the bathroom; he might has well turn into to tablecloth for all the good he was doing.
It wasn't her fault. She was wonderful company and for the few brief periods of time where he forced himself to be present, he found her incredibly witty and sweet, beautiful and intelligent. They connected instantly, bonded over shared interests, and when they did disagree on something, she didn't make him feel like the villain for having a different opinion., Rather, he felt validated as she would listen intently to what he had to say. It was this stark difference, however, that took him back to the day before when he argued with Kurt and like a switch, he was back to drowning in his own thoughts again.
Truth be told, Blaine was still angry; he had been furious when he stormed away from Kurt in the Lima Bean, aggravated all night anytime he looked at his phone only to see that he had not called to offer any kind of support or apology. Even now, almost 24 hours later, a fresh wave of rage would wash over him as he thought about how completely insensitive Kurt had been towards him. It had been hard enough to label himself as a gay teenage boy in Ohio and he'd had to do that on his own. He made some mistakes along the way, but he thought he'd finally gotten to a place in his life where he could be honest and open about who he was. He thought he had friends who understood him, supported him, helped him. He thought Kurt was like that.
But this thing with Rachel and the attraction he felt towards her – a girl! - was almost as confusing as for him as it was when he realized he was gay. This wasn't something that was supposed to happen; once he'd come out, there wasn't supposed to be any going back. But maybe it wasn't going back, maybe it was just going forward. Maybe it was being comfortable, accepting that love and attraction really does come in any fashion. Maybe he had a preference towards men, but maybe could be in love with a girl.
Not that he was in love with her, or with anyone, but was it really such a threatening idea: being open to being in love with anyone, regardless of gender. It was a big idea and in his current frame of mind, he couldn't really wrap his head around it, but it wasn't threatening to him. It was intriguing, in a way.
But clearly he was alone in this, if what Kurt said had any merit at all. In his world, bisexuality didn't appear to exist. One was gay or one was straight, but there was no gray line down the middle. In his world, it was very cut and dry. Well that was great for him but it didn't explain the chemistry Blaine had felt with Rachel. And if he did end up liking Rachel, that didn't magically erase all the feelings he'd had towards men in the past. It wouldn't just suddenly turned him into a straight member of society; the thought alone was as absurd as Kurt telling him he was tip-toeing back into the closest.
After all the pain and heartache he'd been through, Blaine was most decidedly out of the closest. He had earned that and there was no going back for him. He was proud of who he was, who he loved, and he would stand by that for the rest of his life. Hiding who he was just wasn't an option for him anymore and damn it, if who he was ended up being bisexual, then he would own that too and Kurt and his stupid hurt feelings would just have to deal with it.
That is, if that's what this even was.
"Can I ask you something?" Rachel asked as she sat down, her voice laden with concern. "I want you to be completely honest with me because despite what anyone may have told you about me, I'm not here to judge you. It's just that you seem a little distracted and maybe I'm selfish but I tend to expect all of my date's attention to be on me while on an outing such as this and I can't help but feel like your head is somewhere else. Again, I'm not judging, just curious."
Blaine felt instantly guilty when he looked into her saddening eyes, knowing that he was the one that put it there. He was ashamed of himself; he should have just called and canceled the date, he should have told her he wasn't up to going out, but instead he had led her on – just like Kurt said I was – and he'd hurt her in the process. "I'm sorry Rachel," Blaine apologized and tried to pull himself together. He could make this right, at least, by giving her the rest of the night, "from now on, my attention is solely on you."
He held out his hand to her, a peace offering and she dropped the napkin she had been twisting nervously with her thumb. Their fingers entwined and Blaine couldn't help but notice that her hand, like her kiss, felt good to him. This alone made him smile, which seemed to encourage Rachel and he could see her confidence fall into place.
"It's okay, I'm used to being ignored," she said with a slight laugh. "I just meant that you really seem like you need someone to talk to. I don't mind. I mean, that's what this is for, after all, us getting to know each other better."
"I just don't want to put you in the middle," Blaine said quietly.
"In the middle of what?" she asked and there was something in her voice, coaxing and gentle, that told him he really could talk to her, if he wanted. It told him that she could understand, or at least not make him feel so down on himself.
"I had this fight with Kurt yesterday," he admitted.
"Go on," she requested, her thumb rubbing soothing circles through his skin. It was strange, how the warmth simple act of camaraderie overran the heat from his previous anger. He could feel it finally dying down, settling into something manageable. It was the oddest scenario, certainly one he never imagined but he couldn't help the feeling that spilling his guts to Rachel Berry at Breadstix was somehow exactly where he was supposed to be.
"He had a bit of a problem with my going out with you today," he started, and noting the look of hurt in her eyes, he added quickly, "not because it was you, but because you're a girl. And I'm gay, or at least, that's what I thought. But then you and I kissed and it- it felt nice," he stuttered and he could feel a blush to match hers spreading across his cheeks. She looked pleased, definitely, and he had to admit, he really liked that he had an affect on her, but before she could say anything, he found himself with more to say.
"So I didn't see the harm in going out with you, but Kurt got very upset and accused me of running back into the closet," he continued, speaking very quickly now as if he didn't say everything now, then he never would. "I told him that maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm bi. I mean, I know I like boys, that's not a question for me at all. But if I'm honest, the last time I looked a girl with any interest, I told her she had cooties. But Kurt just... oh God, he did not want to hear that at all.
"And it's so frustrating because this whole suddenly maybe liking girls thing is kind of confusing for me, but I felt like he was trying to shove me in the "gay" corner just like my dad tries to shove me in the "straight" corner and it's just not that simple. I think I'm attracted to you, but that goes against everything I thought I knew about myself, and it scares me a little but I learned a long time ago that I can't run from who I am,' he said vehemently and Rachel nodded her head in agreement.
"But Kurt doesn't seem to like that part of me – if it even is a part of me – and I have no one I can really talk to about this because everyone seems to have their own agenda when it comes to my sexuality, but it's my sexuality, you know? And I should be able to go out with who I want, because it's me and it's my choice, not anyone else's."
He was practically gasping for air by the time he finished, but the effect was immediate. "Feel better?" Rachel asked; he felt like it was okay to breathe again with the weight of this off his chest and out in the open. Someone was listening to him, someone was concerned, and he didn't have to weather this alone like he'd done so many times on his own.
"I do actually," he said as a lazy smile drifted across his face. "I didn't mean to just spill it all out like that though."
"It's okay," she said with a wave of her free hand and he felt like she was brushing all the heavy tension away from the evening. "I have two gay dads so I have a little insight into the mind of a gay man. Besides, it's like you said, you don't really have anyone you can talk to about this, objectively of course."
"Well you're not exactly objective either, are you? You did ask me out," he said playfully.
"Yes, I did, but I am willing to put the date on a brief hiatus if it means helping a friend in crisis," she said, then with excitement, "besides, I've always want to help someone come out and the only gay guy my age that I know is Kurt and he didn't really need any help in that department."
He couldn't help but laugh as he responded, "Well I'm already out."
"But this could be like a second coming out, a bisexual coming out," she replied earnestly. "It's a bit appropriate if you think about it, coming out as a bisexual your second time around."
"So you wouldn't have a problem if I were bi?"
"Not at all" she exclaimed and her enthusiasm was comforting to him, not because he was suddenly not confused about the whole issue, but because it seemed to be a complete non-issue to her. "I mean, for obvious reason, I would like it if you decided to like girls as well, but that's not really the question, is it? The question is are you, Blaine Anderson, sexually attracted to males and/or females?"
It was a blatant statement, forward and direct, but he didn't feel like he was being attacked when she said it. With her, there wasn't a wrong answer. "Males, unequivocally yes,"he said. "Females, plural... maybe not. But I did like kissing you and I think you're beautiful, so yes, I am attracted to a female. But see, Kurt just doesn't understand that and -"
"I think I know what part of your problem is," Rachel interrupted, and she reached across the table to grab his other hand and like an anchor, she held him in place before he got lost in his own ocean again. "At least, I know what the big part of it is. I can't truly answer for you whether you're gay or bi, but I can tell you that you're not as upset about this as you are about Kurt."
"What do you mean?" he asked, eyebrows knitting together.
"You're pretty confident in yourself and I know that you're going to be fine no matter what label you end up putting on yourself: gay, bisexual, whatever," she said with such faith in him that he knew she had to be right. "You're not upset about who you might be because you know in the end, you'll be okay. Right now, you're more upset that you're fighting with Kurt than you are about anything the actual fight was about. It's the Kurt of the matter."
He thought back to the night before and the next morning when he found himself willing Kurt to text him. He thought he just wanted an apology, or to at least have the opportunity to ignore him. He thought about how his mood had only grown darker when he realized that Kurt wasn't going to reach out to him. He remembered slamming doors shut just to release his frustration and it dawned on him that Rachel was spot on in her assessment. "It's just the way he was judging me," Blaine said, letting his head rest on top of their conjoined hands, realizing for the first time how hurt he felt over Kurt's rejection. "I didn't think he was the kind of person to do that. I thought he would understand."
Rachel's hand slipped from his and an irrational wave of panic swept through him. He had a vision of her storming through the restaurant and leaving, but then he felt her sit next to him, flush against his side, her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her chin resting in the crook of his neck. He lifted his head and leaned against hers as he returned her embrace.
"I don't think Kurt will ever understand being attracted to women," she whispered in his ear. "But that just kind of proves my point, doesn't it? You're not angry that he questioned your sexuality, you're angry because he, your friend and someone whose opinion you value highly, judged you. You're angry at him, not at the situation."
He allowed her words to sink in before answering. "Okay, so maybe I am. But what does that mean?" and he hated how helpless he sounded, but through all his anger, he had never gone down a road that looked like this one.
"Let me ask you this," she pulled away, turning to look him in the eye. "Do you think that you might like Kurt?"
Blaine's throat went dry and he started stammering again, "I don't kn-know. I mean, I know he- he likes me and -"
"We all know he likes you," Rachel laughed kindly, "but do you like him? Because if you do then that might explain how he's gotten under your skin the way he has."
"I think," he started slowly, trying to organize his thoughts on the newest Warbler. If he were completely honest, and he should be as that's what Rachel asked of him, this wasn't the first time he had wondered this. Ever since Kurt had poised the idea of a relationship to him, he sometimes found himself imagining how things between the two of them might go. They would be each other's first boyfriends, they could figure out together what it meant to be a couple. But he already felt very close to Kurt, and if being in a relationship that didn't work out cost him their friendship, Blaine didn't know if he would ever forgive himself. But wasn't that the crux of any relationship, gay or straight? Great love sometimes requires great loss.
"I think he's great and just really special," Blaine finally said, looping her arms over her shoulder "but I've never been in any kind of real relationship with anyone and I know that he's already invested in us, if there were an us, which just adds more pressure on the whole confusing ordeal because, if I were to go into anything with Kurt, I'd still be searching, in a way, wondering if this is what I want. And if it decided it wasn't, it would hurt him."
"So is that why you're out with me?" Rachel asked, her voice carefully controlled, but he could see how her soft smile began to droop in the corners. "So you can search without the pressure encouraging a relationship?"
"You think I'm using you," Blaine sighed. "And maybe I am. Maybe I'm one of those guys."
"No, no, you're not!" Rachel insisted so loudly he was taken aback. "You're being honest and that's so important. It's just, at the risk of exposing my own baggage, I just don't think I can handle being someone's maybe right now. I always feel like I'm someone's maybe. I mean, that's kind of what happened with Finn – well part of what happened – and even though I expect it, it hurts and I just don't want to put myself in that position again."
"And I would never want to do that to you Rachel." Blaine agreed, giving her arm a brief squeeze. There was silence again. It wasn't uncomfortable exactly, just a little sad and he knew there was so much more they had to say to each other, but neither was sure how to bring it up.
"So what are we going to do about this?" he asked, motioning between the two of them, feeling his question very inadequate.
"The only thing we can do," she sighed, moving just far enough away that he felt awkward having his arm around her, so he let it drop to the vinyl booth and just like that, they weren't touching at all "We finish our date, as friends, while you sort through whatever is in your head. Which, I think we can both agree, is mostly Kurt at the moment."
Blaine couldn't think of anything else to say, so he simply nodded. Eventually Rachel moved to her side of the booth and they attempted the same kind of small talk they made at the theater but it never amounted to anything with substance. When the waitress came over to take their orders, they both simultaneously decided that that they weren't very hungry, ordered a coffee and a tea to go, and made their way back home. He could feel the night coming to an end, but he just couldn't leave her feeling used and unappreciated because it simply wasn't true. She had been everything he needed, a friend, a listening ear, a sage. She had been gracious and selfless by letting him out of the "date". He was so incredibly grateful to her and here he was on her doorstep about to bid her goodnight without even telling her so much as a thank you.
She deserved better than this. He wasn't sure that better was him, but he couldn't be sure that it wasn't. Despite everything they'd talked about, despite their agreement at diner, despite his feelings for one of her good friends, he knew he had feelings for her as well. They wouldn't be fair, to either of them, and he knew that the night would undoubtedly end with them parting ways and heading off to different things. But right now, it felt so unfinished to him, the conversation barely started.
He opened his mouth to speak but she must not have noticed because she startled him when she said, "you know, Kurt is going to ask how the date went."
Blaine was surprised the resentment Kurt's names caused in him. Somehow, his entire night with Rachel had been about Kurt and he knew he only had himself to blame. He wanted to talk about anything else at this point, but Rachel continued to talk over him as if she could sense his hesitance.
"I think you should tell him you're gay," she said quickly. "I mean, I realize that may turn out to be a lie, but I know Kurt and he's just not going to let it go until he gets an answer so until you figure it all out and know for sure what's going on in your head and what you want, you should tell him what he wants to hear. I don't mean to be spiteful, it's just I want to spare his feelings."
"And if it turns out that I'm not exactly gay?" Blaine asked, a little harsher than he intended it to be. "Then what do I say? 'Oh sorry Kurt, I'm actually not as gay as I thought I was' – come on, how would that be better?"
"I don't know!" she said defensively. "I just don't want you to lose a friend over something that might not be anything at all and frankly, I don't want to lose him as a friend either."
Of course, he realized, she was just trying to give everyone an easy out. If his date with Rachel confirmed Blaine's homosexuality, then Kurt would move on and forgive them both. Everyone would win, except even as he played this out in his head, Blaine felt like he could be losing something important with Rachel. He could never know really how he felt about her, or if he ever did reach some kind of conclusion, he might end up having to hide it.
He reached for her hand again, just as she started to put her key in the door and said, "can I just say, for the record, anyone who has ever let you go is a damn fool? And that includes me. You're amazing, Rachel."
"Blaine, come on, you don't owe me anything," she said, avoiding his gaze by staring at her feet. "I get it, I do. You have a lot on your mind and I'm only adding to the problem. So it'd be better for everyone if I just took myself out of the equation."
"I'm serious, you are amazing," he said, lifting her chin up until she was forced to meet his gaze, because he did owe her this. She wasn't a problem for him, she wasn't something that got in his way or messed him up. "Your dads are still gone, right?"
"Yes," she said, her face laced in confusion. He took the key dangling from her hand and led her inside, closing the door behind them with a kick of his foot and before he could second guess himself, he caught her by the waist and pulled her towards him until he could feel her mouth on his.
With no alcohol to numb his senses, kissing Rachel was even better sober. It wasn't like their kiss in the basement, but it was similar. It was a test, waiting for instinct to take them over and tell them what to do. It started soft but steadily deepened until he was practically begging for more. Her teeth grazed against his lip as she parted hers to let him delve in. He'd always heard of people battling for dominance when they kissed like this, but this was warm and inviting and relaxing. It was equal and it felt nice, good, wondrous.
They parted at the same time, their breathing deep. He leaned his forehead against hers, and tried desperately to put into words what he needed to tell her. "You're right, I have a lot on my mind right now and yes, Kurt is part of it. But I need you know that you're part of it too. A big, beautiful, amazing part of it and I know we already agreed to just let this, let us, go for now, but I don't want you to feel like I'm going to go home and forget about you. I'm going to think about you, to dream about you. But I don't want to hurt anyone either Rachel, so if it's that important to you, then I'll tell Kurt that I'm 100% gay. But please, I beg of you, no matter what I say or do, please know that I'm not sure that I am and that's because of you. And for now, I'm okay with that, because of you."
His arms were still around her waist and as he spoke, she leaned forward into his chest, wrapping her own around his back. They held each other close and he could feel her mumbling into his shirt, but couldn't understand what she was saying until he heard the words "thank you Blaine".
He ended up staying over for another hour and with everything out in the open, there were no more silences or awkward unfinished conversations. They even devised a plan that involved a very public display of affection and his official announcement to Kurt that he was no longer confused. It wasn't the perfect solution – the perfect solution would have involved Kurt accepting his curiosity – but it was one they felt settled the big issues. When the time came for him to leave, he didn't feel as if anything was left unresolved. It was right, or as right as it was going to get at the moment.
But still, he paused at the door as she was letting him out and blurted out, "it could have been you, you know?" She gave him a quizzical look and he clarified, "You and me."
She chuckled softly and kissed him on the cheek and playfully shoved him out the door. He caught her in one last hug and grinned. "That's not a maybe, I swear it Rachel," he repeated, "it could have been you."
AN2: And then proceed to the infamous "I'm 100% gay" Lima Bean scene. I know it's an unpopular opinion (just as this is an unpopular ship, but whatever), but it really did irk me that Kurt was so against the slightly possibility that Blaine might be bisexual or bi-curious. I think Blaine was 100% right in his half of the argument with Kurt, and as this was more or less from Blaine's POV, I kind of attributed my feelings on the matter to Blaine.
Also, this skewed more Klaine than I thought it would, so I'm happy about that. See, I'm not a heartless bitch.