Hi everybody! So this is a story from Elliot's point of view in the episode "Fault." Obviously I don't own anything or any of the characters. First fanfic ever, so be kind please
There were so many people at the bus station; I could barely breathe as we ran through the crowds pushing against us as we desperately searched for Gitano and the children. As Olivia and I split up, all I could think about was finding Ryan and his sister and taking them somewhere safe. Finding a home of sorts for them, as the only home they had ever known had died at the hands of Gitano. I was horrified by the death of their parents and sister. Even after all these years on the job some cases still managed to get under my skin. And for some reason Ryan and his family really got to me. Perhaps it was the way Ryan's hair curled in little blonde ringlets, exactly the way Dickie's did so many years ago. Either way I was determined to find the children as soon as possible .Nothing else really mattered. There was no "if we found them". In my mind as that was simply not an option; between Olivia and I we would corner the bastard one way or the other. We always did.
Suddenly I saw Ryan standing at the bottom of the escalator, just staring at me with wide eyes. Eyes that would haunt me for years to come. "Ryan" I called out. He just kept on staring at me, fixed on the spot. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realised he must be scared and traumatised, I even imagined Huang's calm voice telling me to proceed with caution, but another part of my mind could not grasp why he wasn't moving. I tried again. "Hey buddy" I said, attempting a comforting smile, but only managing a brief grimace. Then I heard a blood curdling shriek. I saw Gitano heading my way, yielding a knife and dragging Ryan's terrified sister along with him. I knew I had to stop him; I took my eyes off Ryan for a second to focus on Gitano. To my relief I saw Olivia had appeared and was right in front of Gitano. "Way to go Liv" I thought, "you've always had my back", and as I turned away to focus my attention on Ryan once again, it happened.
Now I have heard victims explain their attacks more than I can tell you, and everybody has a different story to tell. Some victims black out, and cannot remember anything; others detach and describe their attacks in third person. I have heard people describing car accidents and assaults saying it was over before they even knew what hit them. Over in the blink of any eye, the beat of a heart. For me this was not the case. Everything that happened next happened in excruciating slow motion. Olivia moved closer to Gitano and the little girl, ordering him to freeze. Gitano thrust his knife at Olivia, expertly cutting her throat, and she fell to the floor. I had once heard a song where the singer said that each time he looked at the girl he loved; the world fell away under his feet. The moment Olivia hit the floor; the world fell away from under my feet too. Not in the romantic way the song had intended, but in the heartbreaking way when you just know you lost everything. In that exact moment, Gitano grabbed Ryan and ran.
I knew I had to go after him, and I fully intended on doing just that. I drew my gun and for a second my mind was able to convince my body into taking a step away from Olivia. She would be fine. She always was. I glanced at her, lying on the floor, red life slowly seeping through her fingers. I could hear my heart beating loudly in my ears, I could smell the ever present smell of gasoline and dust that was the bus station. In my mind's eye I could clearly see myself saving Ryan and his sister, while the light faded from Olivia's eyes as she was lying alone on the floor. Abandoned by her partner; the one person who was supposed to always have her back. Abandoned by me. Without consciously making the decision I started running to her.
"No! Olivia!" I yelled. "Oh my gosh, no. No! No!" I held her in my arms, the floral scent that was simply Liv filling my nostrils. Close up I saw the cut was not the horrific gash I had imagined.
"It's okay, I'm okay! Where's Gitano? Go! I'm fine Elliot, go!"
She pushed me away, and in that moment I gathered my thoughts and realised she was right. I had put my personal feelings ahead of my job. I ran with everything I had, hoping to run away from everything I felt when I thought I was losing Olivia. Hoping to run away from what I already knew was a very big mistake.
At the top of the steps I saw a crowd of people. One look at Finn's face told me everything I needed to know.
"Don't." he said. "He killed him Elliot, he cut his throat."
I looked down at Ryan, lying in a pool of blood, and I felt my heart break. This was my fault. Nothing would ever change that. In that moment Olivia joined us, clutching her neck. Finn immediately pressed a hanky to her cut. I looked at Olivia, her brown eyes full of sympathy for Ryan, and I knew, for me. This was more than I could take. I should have saved him instead. Olivia was not the type of person who ever needed anybody. The fact that she could take care of herself was something I have always admired about her. She did not need me back there, and yet I put everything on the line, and it resulted in the death of a little boy. I looked up at her, her soft brown eyes meeting mine, and I wished that just for once she had needed me. That she had needed me as much as I needed her to stay alive for me. I wished that she had needed me more than anything she had ever needed before, because then maybe, just maybe I would have been able to justify the biggest mistake I have ever made.
Olivia and I drove back to the precinct in dead silence. I have never heard a silence scream as loudly as the one in our car that day. That silence screamed everything I felt at the bus station. It screamed all my fears out loud. It yelled that I had made a mistake by letting Ryan and his family under my skin. That was the first of the many faults I made that day. My mother always told me that when it came to feelings, I was exactly like my father. I knew I bottled my emotions up; somehow I could not help that no matter how hard I tried. I told myself exercise and catching bad guys was enough of a release for me, but in that thick silence I started considering that maybe that was not the case at all. Maybe the reason I never think about my feelings or talk about them was what got us in this mess in the first place. I glanced over at Olivia. Her eyes were closed, and she was resting her head against the window. She looked tired, and yet peaceful at the same time. Suddenly I felt angry. She is able to close her eyes without seeing Ryan in a pool of blood. She is able to sit there without regret and something else burning her throat. Anger washed over me like a tidal wave and suddenly I felt better. Anger is a feeling I can deal with. Anger is something I understand.
I spent the rest of the day communicating with Olivia mainly by silences and pointed glares. Suddenly out of nowhere she confronted me, and demanded to know what was wrong with me. I should have known Liv was not going to back off. Being the top detective that she was, never mind my partner and friend for the past 8 years, I realised she had known something was bugging me from the moment she spent that awful half an hour with me in our car. I turned around and faced her. She was staring straight at me, her usually kind eyes flashing at me.
"Is there something you want to say to me" she said angrily. "Because of there is, let's hear it."
I said the first thing that popped into my mind. "Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"
"He was using the child as a shield." Olivia said outraged.
"How could you let him get so close to you?" I retorted.
What I meant to say was: how could you let him close enough to hurt you? Did you know what I felt when I saw you falling to the floor? I felt like the world was ending Liv. I wished it were me lying on the floor bleeding. Knowing that he caused you pain hurt me more than I could ever tell you. Knowing that I couldn't do anything to stop it hurt me even more.
"There were innocent civilians around. I couldn't get a shot." She said.
She was right, I knew that. Typically she did everything by the book. Unlike me. I wanted to walk over to her, take her by the shoulders and shake her. I wanted to tell her that she could have died, and that it would have killed me. What came out instead was:" Well, you got close, and Ryan's dead."
"So this is my fault?" Olivia asked me.
I wanted to yell out: No! This is my fault! Ryan is dead because of me! I let him die because I couldn't bear to lose you! I forgot everything this job has ever taught me in the moment you hit the floor…. I forgot how to breathe in that moment Liv.
Instead I snarled: "I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!" feeling anger course through my veins I felt in control once again.
"You son-of-a-bitch, you know that's not true!" Olivia yelled. Gosh how anger lit up her beautiful eyes.
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!" I said. I wished I was able to tell her that I wanted to come to her rescue more than anything, and I would do it over and over again without her even asking.
Cragen interrupted us at that moment, telling us to get our asses down to the morgue as Warner had something to show us.
When we located Gitano in that warehouse I felt hopeful again. I hoped by saving his sister I could somehow make up for the terrible mistake I made that cost her brother's young life. I did not count on him pulling a gun against my head.
When he did, I heard Olivia yell: "Drop it! Drop it now!" as always she was there for me when I needed her the most. I could not do this again; I cannot put her in danger. What would stop Gitano, a ruthless killer and paedophile from shooting a cop? In fact I bet it would give him pleasure.
From the struggle that started soon after this, I can only remember me telling Olivia over and over again to take the shot necessary to kill Gitano, even if it meant hurting or killing me in the process. I know that sounds bad, that a hardened cop would give up so easily, but this wasn't about me. It never was. It was about saving Ryan's sister, and saving the woman I loved. I had finally admitted it to myself. I loved Olivia, I always have. It made me sad that something like this had to happen for me to realise it.
She was aiming her gun at me and Gitano. "Don't make my mistake Liv" I said.
"I would have done the same thing" she admitted. This sparked a tiny flame of hope inside my heart. Can it be possible that by some miracle she felt the same way about me?
She lifted her gun higher. "I'm sorry" she whispered.
I closed my eyes, knowing death was near. I wasn't afraid. What was my life compared to a young girl's? I only manage to hurt people I love. I loved Kathy for many years, even with our failed marriage and the bitterness and pain between Kathy and I; she gave me four beautiful children and I would always love her for that. But I hurt her and our children beyond repair. Given time I'm sure I would hurt Olivia too.
I heard a gun go off.
"Suspect down!" the sniper yelled. "Move in! Move in!"
Gitano was shot. This is all over I realised. I looked at Olivia, still clutching her gun and the pain in her eyes made me look away.
We found Ryan's sister alive and well. Olivia rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital. I followed in my car. I waited outside her room for Olivia. I needed to talk to her.
She came out of the hospital room looking tired beyond anything I've ever seen. She ran her hands through her hair and sat down next to me.
"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it... I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia" I said.
"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death, Elliot? What about your kids?"
I wanted to tell her what went through my mind when I stood there begging her to shoot. How this wasn't about me. My children were already hurt enough by me. I remember a fight I once had with Kathy where she told me that my love was like a disease. That it took hold of her and ate away all the happiness we shared. I didn't want my love for Olivia to do the same. How would I live with myself knowing I was the reason she was unhappy? Instead of this, instead of shouting everything I wanted to happen between us to the heavens, instead of wrapping her in my arms and never letting her go I said:
" I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."
She was silent for a moment as she took this in. "What about me?" she whispered.
This was too much. Walking away from her not knowing how she felt would have been painful. Knowing that maybe she felt the same was more than I could bear.
"Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise... we can't be partners."
"I can't believe you're saying that" she whispered.
I know that what I just said hurt her. Hurting Olivia was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Through the lump in my throat I whispered: "Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it."
I stood up and walked away from the woman I loved, with my heart breaking. Kathy was right. My love is a disease… and it is better that Olivia never even knew the symptoms...
The end.