GIF #: 6
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Word Count: 8,030
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: T
Summary: Today is his last day. Why do these things happen to me? I
wished this day never had to come, but I have to tell myself that I
was lucky that I had some time with him at all.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No copyright is intended.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Staring down at the crumpled piece of paper in my hand for the
millionth time since I've gotten it, I sigh angrily. This isn't fair!
Why do these things always keep happening to me? I'm tempted to throw
the paper over the railing, wanting to get rid of it once and for all,
because all it does is evoke all of these emotions that I never
thought I'd feel again. But, at the same time, that voice in the back
of my mind tells me to keep it. After today, it will be the only thing
left that I have of him. If I throw it away now, it will mean throwing
away the only thing left of him that I'll be close with. And, as
usual, the later choice wins. I don't throw the paper away. Instead, I
shove it back in my pocket and lean back against the wall, letting my
eyes stare straight forward as I sink down until I'm sitting down with
my legs stretched out. I don't need to look at the paper again to know
what it says. I've memorized it by heart.
As Arthur and Merlin ride their horses to find Arthur a sword, they
meet a lady who grants Arthur the Excalibur.
That's all you have to say, Bella. You know, I could do so much better
as a narrator than you.
- Edward
I smile to myself, remembering that fond memory. After Edward wrote me
the first part of my "script" to perform for our chapter of King
Arthur, I had bet Edward that I would be a better narrator than him.
And I did. He didn't like that he lost to me, but I was able to cheer
him up by letting him eat some of my Cheetos. Good times, good times.
We had more memorable moments like this over the school year, but this
was the most recent, being that it only occurred a week ago. It's hard
to keep track of the amount of hilarious moments we had together. It
brings me down to think that, after today, we won't be having any more
of these memories.
Oh Edward, why do you have to leave me?
I didn't like that he had to move away in the summer and transfer to
another school for the next school year. After the months of
friendship that we had, did it have to come to an abrupt stop? I think
God hates me, because when I just found someone that taught me to fall
in love again, it has to be taken away from me. Again. The fact alone
brings tears to my eyes.
Cry it out, Bella. No one is here to witness it.
So I do. The tears start as a few drops, but after a few seconds, the
few drops turn into a steady rainfall. I cry for all the frustration
I've felt for the past several weeks. I cry for the fact that no one
around me except my friends can see through the fake smile that I had
to keep on my face. I cry for the truth that the person that I've
truly fallen in love with will never love me back. I cry for the
dreams that I have that will never come true. I cry for the reality
that I'm in, because as far as I know, it isn't a good one.
If only my love for him didn't break even. Shoots. I didn't want to
bring The Script a part of this. Music is the closest thing that keeps
me sane, and apparently Breakeven is the song that popped into my head
when I thought of Edward.
I wonder if Edward envisions this as a tragedy. Gah! Now I brought
Christina Perri into this! Hmmm… now that I thought about it, this
song makes much more sense. When he's gone, everything will end as a
tragedy.
Wow. My love life truly sucks. Or lack thereof that is.
I wonder if this is how Jasper felt after his sudden breakup with
Alice. I have no idea why they even broke up, but all I got from Alice
is because they were drifting apart. Drifting apart my ass. I know
Alice well to see that she's lying. She's my friend. There's got to be
another reason behind their breakup. Whatever the reason is, I've
sworn to myself that I won't get involved. The last time I did, I
nearly cost Jasper and Alice their friendship (This is before they
became a couple). I have to accept that Jasper and Alice are no longer
a couple.
Jasper.
I growl. I won't be letting that bastard crawl back into my life
again. After what he did to me, I'm not going to forgive him that
easily, even though I already did a long time ago. I only forgave him
for being mad at me for what he did. That didn't mean that I forgave
him for all that stuff that he made me go through. I can't take back
my any of the actions I made. Neither can he. Jasper is moving on with
his life, and so will I. Everything that happened between us is in the
past.
But this isn't about Jasper. This is about Edward and how today will
be his last day at our high school. Everyone will miss him, but I
think I'm pathetic enough to admit that I'll miss him the most. I'm
just a lovesick freak that's hopelessly in love with someone who won't
love her the same way back.
Or maybe he does. My mind tells me.
Yeah right.
Don't you remember the time you almost told your class that you love him?
Oh yeah… That I remember. It was during PE and we were in one of those
truth circles that Tanya and her friends wanted to do. Most of our
class wanted to do it too, so we gathered around and sat in a circle,
letting the remaining time of PE be a massive vent session. That day
was pretty much a free play day, so we wouldn't be getting busted from
our PE teacher.
As Kate and Carmen were aimlessly rolling a basketball back and forth
to each other from opposite sides of the circle, Garrett grabbed
everyone's attention.
"So what are the rules?" Garrett asks when we were sure that we
settled in. Everyone in the circle hushes up so they could listen to
Tanya.
"Okay. So basically in this truth circle, there are very little rules.
One, no booing. Two, no yelling, unless we can't hear you. We don't
want anyone else listening in to our truths since it's only between
us. Three, we respect each other. And four, what's in the truth circle
stays in the truth circle. Everyone agree?
We all nod.
"Good. Since Kate has the ball, she gets to go first."
"What?" Kate yelps. She passes the ball back to Carmen. "No way I'm
going first!"
"Me either!" Carmen says, reacting in the same way that Kate just did,
passing the ball to me. "Let Bella go first." Carmen rolls the ball to
me and it stops perfectly centimeters away from my criss-crossed legs.
"M-me?" I stutter. "What am I supposed to say?"
Tanya shrugs. "Anything none of us know. Oh, and another rule. If you
don't want to say someone's name in your truth, you don't have to. I
don't want you sharing something that personal."
"Okay." I have very few things that none of my classmates know about,
but they are pretty personal. Hmmm… there is one thing I can tell.
Like Tanya said, I'm safe as long as I don't say the name. I'm a bit
scared to share this truth to my classmates, but they're not bad. I'm
close with them enough to tell my secret.
"Ummm… well I do have one thing…"
"Tell us!" Sam pressed.
"Okay okay. Uh… I guess all I have to say is that there's this guy…"
As soon as I say the word guy, the girls immediately perk up and says
"Ooh!" Trust me, they always do this when one of us girls have a story
that involves a guy. They may be nice, but they can be big time
gossipers.
"Yes, it involves a guy," I giggle as soon as the girls calm down
enough for me to continue. "Anyways, this guy is someone that I like,
and you all know him. Thing is, I don't know if he feels the same for
me or if he even gets the hint that I like him so much. It's grown to
a point that I like the guy so much that I think I'm in love with
him." I roll the ball back and forth in my hands, my eyes focusing on
the ball more than my classmates. "So yeah… I guess that's it. I don't
know what ya'll have to say about that. It's boring, really. Ya'll
have more interesting love lives than me, like Sam and Garrett with
the whole 'center of the Leahverse thing.'" The 'center of the
Leavverse' joke is something that's between our class, which is
basically about how Sam and Garrett are both crushing on Leah. It's
caused rows between their tight friendship, but in the end, it's all
good between these two. They wouldn't let a girl come between their
friendship that easily.
"Who is this guy?" is the first thing that Kate asks as soon as I
finish speaking. Her eyes are trained intently on me, waiting for a
name for the unnamed guy I just talked about.
"It's E-" I'm about to say the name when I realize that Edward is in
the same room, in the same circle. Shoot, if I say his name out loud,
I'm dead meat. Not only will he know that I love him, but so will
everyone else in my class.
"Eh…" Sam presses.
"Eh… the name doesn't matter," I finally say, proud of myself for
coming up with an excuse on short notice.
"Yeah it does!" Jessica perks up from next to Lauren. "We want to know
who's the lucky guy that Bella has a crush on!"
"Ummm…" Damn! Now what do I say?
"Bella doesn't have to tell us if she doesn't want to," Edward says,
noticing my nervous expression. "Besides, she did tell us that we all
know this guy, so our options are limited." Omg! I swear I'll have to
give Edward a cookie or something he loves tomorrow, because he just
saved my ass from a long explanation to my classmates. But at the same
time, I feel a bit guilty. He practically not only saved me, but
himself too from embarrassment. He has no idea that the unnamed guy
that I love is him.
"Those are the rules," Tanya answers in response to Edward. "I do have
something to say, and no, Bella. I'm not going to ask you who this guy
is, because I think we can figure it out ourselves."
I smile in relief. "Thank you. So what do you have to say?"
"First off, I know how you feel. In fact, I think at least half the
class has been through what you're going through," Tanya starts off.
"I've been through it, and… well I told you before that it didn't end
well. But you know what? Love isn't all that bad. If you believe that
you love him a lot, then it must mean something. It takes a lot for a
person to fall in love with someone, but it takes a lot more for that
same person to love that person back. So don't think this won't work
out, Bella. Keep your head up high and hope for the best. Who knows?
You might not know it, but this guy might like you back, depending on
how close you two are. Are you two close?" I nod before Tanya
continues. "Then there you go. You two are close enough to be able to
have these feelings. But don't rush into it. Give it some time,
because from what I know, guys are complicated. They're mostly
overwhelmed when they find out that a girl loves him." Well I can't
argue with that. "But in then, know that everything will work out. And
if it doesn't work out the way you want it to, then be happy that you
even took the chance. At least you got to experience what it's like to
be in love."
I smile to myself at that memory. Tanya always has the best advice for
anyone who has a bump in the road of a relationship. She's still
heartbroken over a guy that treated her like Jasper did to me, but
she's smart enough to live through it. I have to applaud her for that.
"Bella?" I jump up slightly when I hear my name being called out? I
look up to see that it's Edward. He's holding his plate of food from
the party that's still going on in the classroom. He looks at me with
concerned eyes when he sees me sitting on the ground.
God, kill me now.
"Y-Yeah?" I manage to stutter out, mentally kicking myself for not
remembering that Edward is one of those attentive types and must have
caught my mysterious disappearance in the classroom.
"You alright? I noticed you went out a while ago out of the blue and I
wanted to see if you're okay."
"I'm okay," I immediately say, wanting to cover up the distress I felt
not moments ago. Bracing one of my hands against the wall, I stand up
and make my way over to where Edward stood a few feet away from the
open doorway.
"You sure?" His eyes assess my face closely. "You look like you've been crying."
I shook my head. "No. I just needed some alone time and some fresh air."
He nods, but I can clearly see in his hidden expression that he
doesn't believe me, but chooses not to point it out. Smart choice,
Edward.
"We should get back inside," I tell him, hoping he'll let the subject
go and not press me any further. I'm in no mood in crying in front of
him. And besides, there's a party going on inside and I still want my
share of the Oreo cake that Angela brought.
"Okay." We go back inside, but by the way he keeps a few inches of
distance between us, Edward is not himself after our short
conversation.
~:~
I swear I can hear the sound of my heart breaking the moment that the
bell rings, signaling the start of summer break. As everyone in my
period 7 class cheers and start yelling some random stuff that I
normally would laugh at, I have to fight from bursting into tears.
This is it. This is the day that I never wanted to come, but had to
come anyway. I'll have to say goodbye to him soon, once we finishes
his goodbyes with Tanya, Kate and Carmen first.
Gianna, Levi, and Kim, three of my only friends in my period 7 class,
walk to where Angela and I are. Angela is still trying to cheer me up
after I earlier told her about how sad I was about Edward's last day
today. When my three other friends see the look of distress on my
face, their expressions change from the relief of summer finally being
here to concern of my well-being. They know about my feelings towards
Edward, and they have the right hearts to know how much I'd miss him
after he leaves.
"It'll be fine, Bella," Angela assures me, tapping on my shoulder.
"Go talk to him." Levi points to where Edward is with his three
"student council" girls. "Look, I think he's finished with his
goodbyes with Tanya and them. Why don't you go over to him."
I look at my friends with panicked eyes. "What do I say to him?"
"Just go tell him goodbye, duh!" Gianna advises. "And besides, don't
you two ride on the same bus after school? Just start a conversation
and keep it going. Now go!" To prove her point, Gianna gives me a
little shove to where Edward stood. By this time, Tanya, Kate and
Carmen had finished their goodbyes and has now left Edward alone.
Swallowing down my nervousness, I make my way to where Edward is. He
looks a little nervous after Tanya, Kate and Carmen, which makes me a
bit curious. But it doesn't matter. Whatever he's nervous about is
something that's not any of my business.
When Edward notices me coming, he attempts to hide his earlier
expression and smiles. "Hey Bella."
I attempt to smile too. I don't want Edward to sense my distress this
soon. I've still got… what? Half an hour till I have to really say
goodbye? That includes walking with him to the bus stop, taking the
same bus together and getting off at my stop.
"Hi Edward." I fidget slightly on my spot, wondering what should I say
next without sounding too sappy. What do I say to the boy that I'm in
love and who I'll most never see again after I get off at my bus stop
later?
"Ready to go?" he asks. "I don't want to miss the bus."
"Me too," I say sheepishly, agreeing with him. "Let's go then." I wave
to Gianna, Levi, Kim and Angela, letting them know that I'm leaving.
In return, they wave back.
"Have a fun summer Bella!" Kim says as Edward and I walk away.
"I'll see you next year!" Levi adds.
I grin back at them. At least I'd be able to see them next year. "Bye
you guys! Have a great summer!" As soon as I turn my head back
forward, I notice Edward looking at me with a strange expression. But
seconds after I see it appear on his face, it disappears and is
replaced with his usual smile. Hmmm… wonder what that was about.
Edward and I are silent as we walk through the lush green grass of our
high school. After campus beautification a few months ago, the school
seemed more… cleaner than usual. And thank god too. Whoever those guys
were that decided to pull a senior prank of putting graffiti on walls
all over the school are stupid. I mean, what kind of a prank is that?
Sure, no one caught the identity of who actually did it, but all it
caused was a bunch of hard effort to get rid of any trace of their
so-called prank. If they wanted to pull off an awesome senior prank,
then they should have lived up to the senior prank done a couple of
years ago when we were still freshmen. Locking the hinges of doors to
classrooms with super glue? Genius! I loved the looks of my teachers'
faces when they were faced with this dilemma. It gave us a whole day
of outdoor lessons, which is saying something since teachers rarely
let out their students out for teaching.
But that's getting off the point. The point is, I'm this close to
saying my final goodbyes to Edward. I know he has a Facebook, and I
have his number, and I know his email address, but how will I know
he'll ever respond to me via the internet? He rarely goes on Facebook,
and I'm scared that his parents will think I'm a stalker if I try to
text, call or email him. I wouldn't take that big of a risk, no matter
how much I'd want to.
He doesn't know it, but I'll be missing him this much when he moves
away and transfers to another high school for senior year. And who
knows where he'll go for college? He could be going to Alaska for all
I know!
By this time, Edward and I are near the front exit of the high school,
where Rosalie, Claire and Emily are waiting for me. During lunch, we
agreed to meet at the front of the school so we could take the bus
together and go to Emily's house, which we can reach from the same bus
stop that I usually stop at. They know all about my current
predictemant with Edward, so we came to a compromise that when they
see me, they'll be able to follow behind Edward and I as we walk to
the bus stop and be far enough so I can talk with us. This compromise
is beneficial for all of us. One, because we'd still be able to stick
together. Two, we can still take the same bus and go to Emily's house.
And three, I have them as backup in case I need help in what I have to
say to Edward at a moment's notice.
Claire is the first one to spot me. When Claire silently tells Rosalie
and Emily that I'm there, they all share a nod. Edward doesn't seem to
notice what they did, which puts me at ease. When Edward and I walk
past my friends and are away from them for several feet, I chance one
glance behind my shoulder and see that my friends are following, just
like what we planned.
When I turn my head back around, I notice Edward staring at me with a
weird expression. But what made this weirder is how this expression is
the same one after I said goodbye to Gianna, Levi, Kim and Angela.
This is the second time that I've seen it on his face today. Then
again, the expression is somehow familiar…
Then it clicks. Now I know why. It's the same expression that Edward
had on his face on the day of the truth circle. The truth circle was
already finished at that time, and we were on one of the benches
outside of the locker room. We were surrounded by the rest of our
classmates, although I did feel guilty leaving Rosalie by herself
standing next to the doorway of the locker room. Edward and I were
talking about how the day went when he brought up what I said during
the truth circle. At first, I was scared that Edward was able to
figure out that he's the boy that I'm so desperately in love with. But
then he tells that whoever this boy is, he should be lucky that he's
being loved. I had wondered what he meant by that, so he quickly
covered it up by telling me that this boy that I love may not ever had
the chance to experience what it's like for a girl to have a crush on
him. That's when I turned away and laughed to myself, thinking to
myself that it was ridiculous. I see the way that some of his female
friends look at him. They say that they love having him as a friend?
Oh please! I bet they're just waiting for the perfect moment to pounce
on him. But they wouldn't do so because they're scared that their
friends will hate her it. I'm not kidding. I've seen those look of
longing from a few girls that hang around with him. What makes me sick
is that Tanya is one of them. Tanya, the one that's admired by so many
of her fellow peers and one of the most nicest, smartest and wittiest
girls in my class. I wish I could hate her for that, but I can't.
She's too nice for that. She looks at Edward like he's someone that
ease her pain of whoever was the one that broke her heart a few months
ago. Sometimes I have the urge to punch her in the face for looking at
Edward in that way. But, at the same time, I want to hug her and say
that it'll be okay. The right boy will come along for her when the
time comes, and he'll be there to sweep her off her feet and give her
the happily ever after that I honestly believe she deserves.
"You alright?" I ask Edward when I come to my senses and realize that
Edward is still looking at me in that way.
He blinks a few times before he nods. "Y-Yeah. Sorry. Just daydreaming
there for a moment." The earlier expression is gone in one second flat
and is now replaced by a small smile.
At this point, we're almost at the bus stop. All that's left is to
cross this street when the stoplight goes from red to green. My heart
beats faster, knowing again that the time to say goodbye is almost
here. If I love Edward this much, then I can't just stand here and do
nothing. I need answers. I need to know why Edward looks at me in a
way that makes me wonder whether or not he does see me more as a
friend. I doubt. Judging by all the girls that he hangs around with,
Tanya included, I'm dead. They're way more prettier than me. I'm just
the typical brown eyed brunette girl who has a fascination of reading.
Nothing else.
Edward and I follow the rest of the crowd when the stoplight shifts
from red to green. We are still silent since I saw Edward looking at
me with that expression, and, to be honest, the tension is killing me.
I swear, the tension is so thick that I can cut it with a knife. Too
bad I don't have one. Then again, why should I even have one? I'd be
busted and probably expelled if the school found a knife hidden in my
backpack.
The bus stop is crowded with other students at our high school as
usual. However, Edward and I manage to squeeze ourselves to an empty
stop near the place where the bus usually stops. As long as we're
here, then I can guarantee that we can still get in the bus we
normally take. Getting seats? Probably, if we can ram our way through
the students that are sure to be dying to get in the bus and get a
seat as much as we do.
The silent is still there as we stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
Say something, Bella! This is your last half hour with him! At least
make the best of it! Gee, if only I even knew what to say, brain…
Edward and I are still silent for a minute or so when he finally says
"Are you gonna do the senior project next year?" Whew! At least that's
a harmless way to start a conversation.
"Maybe. Why?"
He shrugs. "I heard it's hard. My sister told me last year before she
headed off to college that she spent hours to complete it and get the
credit."
Damn. So the senior project is harder than I thought. I heard from
Quil, Claire's older brother, that the senior project is hard, but I
never thought it was that hard that I'd probably have to spend hours
up at night to even do it.
I gulp. "But it'll pay off in the end, right?"
"I guess."
I chuckle. "Not you too!" Our classmates have the tendency to say "I
guess" in this weird accent that gets addicting to say. I remember
Tanya, Kate and Carmen started it in the beginning of the semester and
since then at least half the class says "I guess" when the moment
calls for it. I've said it a couple of times myself, but that was only
on accident and not on purpose. Although I do have to admit that it
does get catchy once you get used to saying it.
Edward chuckles too when he catches what he said. "What? Blame Tanya
for getting it stuck to my head! I hang out with her a lot and this is
what happens!"
Oh yeah. Tanya. I forgot to mention the fact that, besides me and his
friends, he also hangs around with Tanya's crew. I don't know why, but
every time I see him around Tanya and her friend or just Tanya alone,
I'd feel a bubble of jealousy within me. Why should I be jealous? I
don't deserve to be jealous at Tanya, who's one of the nicest yet
smartest girls I've ever met. But that's the thing. I'm forced to
admit that she's better for me, and sadly is better for Edward. She's
a straight A student, president of our grade level council and always
has one of the most appealing projects in our classes. The fact alone
that she's the president of student council is enough for me to know
that I'll never be the girl that I want Edward to see me as. But I
still admire Tanya no matter what.
"Bella?" Ugh! Have I been stuck in my thoughts this long?
It's my time to stutter out a response. "Y-Yeah?"
"What do you think of me?"
That question takes me off guard. "Huh?"
He runs his fingers through his hair in a sheepish matter. "Sorry.
What I meant is that… What am I to you?"
It doesn't take me long to reply to his answer. "A great friend who
loves reading and writing as much as I do." It's true. Whenever we
have a book that we have to read for English, we're usually one of
three people, besides Eric, that finishes the book within a week.
Edward is also a person who shares the same fascination in writing
stories like me. We both share the same dream of becoming authors when
we grow up. He also joked around once that when we did become famous
authors, we'd collaborate together in publishing a book together.
He smiles. "Well yes, but I'm serious, Bella. What do you think of
me?" Something about the way he emphasizes the last question makes me
feel as if a rock dropped in the deepest part of my stomach.
I try to play it safe. "That is what I think of you, Edward. What else
do you want me to say?"
He sighs. He turns his head so he can look me in the eye. "Am I just a
friend to you?"
Uh-oh.
I swear I could feel a pin drop.
How am I supposed to hide now? The feelings that I've been hiding for
Edward won't be hidden anymore once he figures it out. Or did he? Was
I that stupid to see that Edward had probably known all along? What
are my choices? If I say no, he'll think I'm lying. In my emotional
moments, I admit that I'm a bad liar. But what if I say yes? Then what
will he do? I'll really be dead by then, because what would happen if
Edward is one of those boys that freaks out when he finds out a girl
likes him? Or loves him since that's more of my case?
What do I do?
"Bella." I feel something touch my arm and I realize that it's
Edward's hand. "Tell me."
I don't answer, because I'm afraid of what would happen if I gave any
of those only two options. It's a yes or no question. No matter what
option I choose, Edward will know.
Edward moves so that he's directly in front of me. Our faces are still
within a distance that I can't kiss him or anything, but it still
stuns me nonetheless. "Tell me."
I shook my head, saying nothing.
"Bella…" His hand that's on my arm moves until it cups my cheek. His
other unoccupied hand follows the same movement. "Tell me."
"N-No…" I whisper.
"Why?" His thumb wipes something wet on my face. It takes me several
seconds to realize that it's a tear. I'm this close to breaking down.
If Edward keeps this up, then I will. And Bella never breaks down
(except her friends), especially in front of Edward.
"B-Because you'll k-know."
"Know what?" His hands move to shake my shoulders slightly before it
moves to my cheeks again. "Please, Bella, you're scaring me here."
"I…" That's when I break down. There's still a huge crowd in front of
me, so my breaking down isn't something that should get everyone's
attention. But I cry. I freaking cry! In front of Edward no less!
"Oh, Bella…" He cradles me against his chest and lets me cry on his
shirt. I can't believe this is happening. I broke down and I cried in
front of Edward, all in one day. That's a new record for Bella Swan.
Memories of everything that I've been through with Edward suddenly
rush through my mind, overwhelming me more than I already am. I
remember the first time that I've seen him in freshmen year, where he
already knew who I was because of the little library contest I won in
eighth grade, when I had transferred to the local middle school a few
months ago. I remember the first time that we spoke when we bumped
into each other on the way to class, where he saw me reading
Mockingjay and learned that we were both in love with the trilogy. I
remember when we sat next to each other in the school bus when we were
on a hiking field trip. I remember when he borrowed one of my
mechanical pencils from me and didn't return it to me until a week
later when I lost the current mechanical pencil I had and needed my
backup back. I remember when we ran into each other on sophomore
registration and he was trying on the dog tag that I had as the spirit
item that we got this year for homecoming week. I remember when we
worked together on the Superhero Genetics project that we had to do
for biology and I ended up beating his superhero to a pulp on the day
of presentation. I remember when we were in Judo after school and when
we had to go up against each other, you got your revenge from the
project we did together and beat me. I remember how we usually take
the bus together after school whenever Rosalie was sick and Claire and
Emily were walking home together. Those were the days, and I miss it.
But now we can't make any more because he's leaving.
When I come back to my senses, Edward is still there, letting me cry
against his shirt. I could feel his face kissing the top of my head.
God, now I remember the reason why I love him so much.
"Are you okay now, Bella?" he asks.
I nod, then step away to look at him. By now, I've cried out all my
tears, so I'm good to face him.
He smiles at me. "So can you answer my question now?"
What do I got to lose? He's leaving anyway, and after today, I won't
see him again. "Yes."
He stares at me in confusion. "Yes?"
I nod. "I do think of you as more than a friend."
A small gasp escapes his lips. "So you do like me."
I shook my head.
"So you don't like me?"
I shook my head again. I have to get this over with.
"I don't like you-" Edward's face already falls as soon as I say that,
but I quickly cover it up. "But I like you more than that."
"You…"
"I love you." There. I said it.
It's no surprise to me when I see Edward freeze. It's as if he turned
to a statue when I notice the way his body becomes stiff and he
doesn't speak. The tension is back, but this time it feels as if it's
suffocating me. I need something to hold on to, but to what? This is
what he wanted, so I can't blame myself for choosing the option of
saying yes.
I'm about to open my mouth to say something when, from a few feet
away, I hear Emily calling my name. I turn my head to see that the bus
we're supposed to take to Emily's house coming our way.
No! This is too soon! I'm not ready to say goodbye to Edward yet! I
haven't even gotten an answer yet!
"Looks like our ride is hear," I tell Edward softly. He shifts a bit
from his earlier stiff position and turns his head to see if our bus
is really coming. I can see the obvious disappointment in his face
when he sees that it does.
"Right…" There's a hint of sadness in the tone of his voice, although
I don't question it. We move away from where we stood so we could
stand in front of the bus stop. When the bus finally pauses in front
of the crowd of students, Edward and I quickly try to get in, but at
the same time stay together.
We need to stay together. If we don't, then we most won't likely get
to sit together. I need to sit next to him. I still need answers.
Once we finally stepped foot into the bus and showed the bus driver
our bus passes, we find two empty seats next to the window near the
third exit of the bus. Perfect. At least it'll be just the two of us
there in that little area and as long as we don't talk too loud, then
our conversation shouldn't be overheard. When Edward and I sit down,
the silence comes back.
Oh no. Have I scared him when I revealed my feelings for him by saying
those three words that I've never said to any boy before? That was the
first time I truly said "I love you" to a boy before. Will this end
badly like I was afraid it would?
This will end badly. You won't see him again anyway. As soon as you
step foot out of this bus, it's all over. My mind reminds me. Shut up,
conscious! I don't need your help right now!
The bus finally starts moving several minutes later and the both of us
still haven't spoke before. Now I'm terrified. I really did screw
things up this time.
I feel my cell phone vibrate in the pocket of my jeans. I take it out
and see that it's a text from Rosalie.
Talk to him, Bella! You 2 r more silent then Emmett & I are! - Rose
Ugh! Even Rosalie notices!
"Is that your friend?" Edward asks, leaning a bit to the left to look
at the screen of my cell phone.
I quickly turn it off. "Yeah. Why?"
He shrugs. "Just wondering."
Edward becomes silent again. That's when I know I have to put my big
girl panties and get the answers I need myself.
I sigh. "Edward, about what I said at the bus stop…"
He shakes his head. "It can't happen."
I'm stunned. "What?"
He turns his head to look at me and he looks at me with a sad
expression. "Isn't it obvious, Bella?"
"N-No."
He leans to the side so that his face is closer to me than before. Whoa…
"I like you, Bella. A lot." I look down to see that one of his hands
is on top of mine and his fingers tangling with mine.
"You do?"
He nods. "You're supposed to be my friend! I wasn't supposed to be
liking anyone, especially since I won't be here next year. But then I
met you and it changed. I started to feel these weird things for you
whenever I see you. Boys aren't supposed to blush, but I do when I see
you. It's ridiculous, but that's how it is. Now I know how it feels
like to be Sam and Garret with their center of the Leahverse thing."
His voice cracks slightly at the end, and I can't help but giggle a
bit when he mentions Sam and Garret's situation.
"It's the same for me," I whisper. "I can't get you out of my head.
You know how a person can cross your mind once because he or she just
stayed there?"
He nods.
"That's you. Once I started crushing on you, it's hard for me to stop
thinking about you. Don't take it the wrong way, but I even have an
iTunes playlist about you." It's true. I have a bunch of songs that
reminded me of Edward whenever I play songs from the playlist. Or more
like his playlist.
He blushes. "Really?"
"Yeah. You're gonna be really hard to forget." As soon as I say that,
Edward frowns.
"What are we going to do, Bella? Are we going to let go of something
that we both so much?"
I can't look at Edward now. How can I? How can I answer him yes when I
know that it will end badly in the end anyway? How can I say no to
something that, to be honest, I really want? I wish I can yes.
Then why don't you?
I can't do this. I can't let myself be with Edward over long distance.
What would be the point? We could pursue a long distance relationship
from our senior year to the end of our college years, wherever that
may lead us. But what if we end up in different colleges? And what if
we live in separate places after college? Then where would we be? And
that's if we've survived a relationship up to that point. I have to
remind myself that I'm not going to see him again after today. It's
not like we'll be in a long distance relationship forever. We'd
eventually have to break up, move on and accept the fact that we can
never be together. We'll be with different people and then we'll be
nothing more than what could have been.
Edward was right. This can't happen. Even though my heart wants this,
I have to save it from the even bigger pain of having to lose him at a
later time. I'd rather say goodbye to this now than… what? Six years
from now?
"This can't happen," I finally say, repeating Edward's same words.
"You said it yourself."
"But-"
"Think about it, Edward," I cut him off. "Do you want a long distance
relationship?"
"I'd do anything if it means having some way to be with you."
Rethink this, Bella…
No. I've made my decision. I have to stick through this, even if the
consequences will hurt me.
"But do you want a long distance relationship that last until we're
sixty or something?"
Silence.
"That's what I mean. We may be attracted to each other, but don't you
see? It would have to end somewhere in the end." We've been on the bus
long enough and when I look out the window, I gasp. I have to get off
at the next stop. It's still for another several minutes or so, but I
didn't realize that the time we've wasted of silence in the beginning
has lost us time to be with each other until the end.
"I have to go soon," I tell Edward, although I wouldn't be surprised
if he didn't hear me. My voice was so soft that it was barely audible
for his ears.
"Bella, are you sure?"
I want to tell him no, but I remember my choice and have to gulp down
the nerves that I feel within me.
"Yes," I say softly, keeping my eyes averted from Edward. When I look
back at him, I notice that his eyes are filled with tears that are
threatening to spill with tears.
See? This is your first consequence, Bella. Don't make me guilty now, conscious.
"C-Can I do something first?" he manages to choke out.
"Anything." As soon as I say my response, Edward quickly grabs the
back of my head and pulls my lips to his. His tears are finally
falling freely down his cheeks and it causes me to shed one tear from
my eyes.
My first kiss. With Edward, the boy that I love and the boy that I can
never have. Why do these things have to happen? Why is it that I have
to fall in love with someone that I can never be with? I wish I can
say that I fell in love with the wrong boy, but how can I? Edward is
the right boy. He's given me the chance to experience what it's like
for every person who loves someone. I've gotten the chance to
experience something that single lovesick girls would want.
I can't say that our first kiss is perfect, but I can say it's
something I'll remember. It'll be another memory I'll be left with
Edward.
We finally pull apart due to our need to get air back into our lungs.
I look out the window again and notice that the bus stop I have to get
off at with my friends is in sight.
"Edward…"
He kisses my forehead. "Don't forget me, Bella. Whatever you do, don't
you ever dare forget me. Remember that you'll always be my first kiss.
And I want you to have something." He digs into his backpack for a
moment and pulls out a key chain with a black heart on it. "I got this
from my older cousin, but I think you should have it. I carry it
around as a good luck charm." He drops it in one of my open hands on
my laps and gives me a small smile. "I want you to look at this and
remember that I gave this to you."
The bus is coming to a stop. I give a short nod to Edward and stand
up, holding the keychain. As soon as I get off, the sooner I can get
this over with.
"Thank you, Edward," I murmur. "Really. I wish I could give you
something. Will my own heart do?" Cheesy, but that's all I've got.
"You already have mine too. And yes, I'll take care of your heart." He
pulls me down and gives me a lingering kiss. He pulls away when the
bus stops.
I sigh. The moment is finally here. I never want this moment to come,
but time has a way of always moving forward and yet the moment still
comes.
"Goodbye, Edward. I love you." I kiss him once on the cheek before I
turn away from him and exit the bus. I see Rosalie, Claire and Emily
outside and I walk slowly to meet them.
As I walk, I look through one of the windows to catch a last glimpse
of Edward. Our eyes meet, and for a moment, I'm tempted to run back
inside and tell him I've changed my mind. But I don't. This is my
choice, and this is me going through with it.
Our gaze is still connected once the bus is moving away. The farther
away the bus is, the farther my heart is too. A sob escapes my lips
when I can't see Edward anymore.
Love has a way of affecting you. It can complete you, destroy you, be
the best thing of your life or even all of the above. For me, it's all
of the above. Edward was one of the best things that came to me during
my junior year, and just when I found out that he returned my
feelings, I'm forced to let him go against my will. After today, I
really will never be the same again. I look down at the keychain and
realize that, besides the piece of paper of that King Arthur script we
did, it's the last thing I have of Edward. But these things can easily
disappear, and all I'll have is our memories. Or, if by a strange
twist of fate, I suddenly get amnesia. With my luck, maybe it will.
However, I made a promise to Edward. I promised I won't ever forget
him. And I won't. Why? Because I was lucky enough to have had any time
with him at all