Gif #: 28
Word count (not including author's notes/header): 12,498
Pairing: Edward x Bella
Rating: M
Summary: Bella is still struggling to recover from a tragedy in her youth when her best friend suggests attending a local AA meeting to address her issues. Is it possible that the same person responsible for putting her back together also played a role in the night that broke her in the first place? AU, AH… TOOTHPICKWARD!
Warnings (if necessary): Lemons, violence, drinking.
SEEKING SERENITY
I hear the muted "pop-pop"in quick succession over the low hiss of the radio as I sit in the passenger seat of Charlie's squad car while I wait for him to pay for our gas and get himself a coffee.
I shift the blow pop in my mouth from my left cheek to my right as I sit up and lean forward to turn the dial down completely to see if I hear the sound again.
Just as I am about to dismiss the sound as radio static, I see the front door of the convenience store burst open, the loud jangling of the bells attached to the door ringing out sharply in the late night air. I watch wide-eyed as two guys in ski masks sprint to a nearby idling car that I had somehow managed not to notice. One of them throws a black bag through the car window before they both launch themselves into the back seat and the car peels off loudly into the night.
I sit frozen in my spot. My lungs starting to ache as they refuse to inhale oxygen while I wait to see if any other masked men will come stumbling out the door.
When it becomes clear they have left, I then wait another minute expecting my father to come bursting through the convenience store door any second, gun drawn and running for the squad car radio to call in the Code 211.
The silence stretches on as I sit immobilized, my breath now starting to come in quick puffs and my heart picking up its cadence as my subconscious registers before I do that something is clearly wrong.
With shaking hands I reach for the door handle and open it slowly. I drop my blow pop to the ground and idly watch it roll to a stop in a nearby puddle.
I crane my neck to see if I can see any movement in the small convenience store before I slowly start walking forward. A cold sheen of sweat has settled on my forehead and dampens the back of my neck, making my hair stick uncomfortably to my clammy skin.
When I reach the door, I push it open slowly, hearing those same traitorous bells rustle sharply.
"Daddy?" I call out tentatively, my eyes blinking against the abrasive fluorescents of the overhead lights.
I hear a quiet whimpering to my right and turn to see a ghostly pale teenage boy about my age on the floor behind the cash register with his knees pulled to his chest as he rocks himself back and
forth, visibly shaking.
I think we have third period geometry together, I absently think to myself.
In a haze, I walk forward further into the small store and turn to my left, my feet automatically stopping when I step in something that is pooling on the floor.
Blood.
So much blood.
Too much blood.
An impossible amount of blood.
I sink to my knees at his side, distantly registering that the wheezing-whisper-scream is coming from my lungs.
If it wasn't for his large brown eyes – so much like my own – staring unseeing at the ceiling, you would almost think he looked peaceful as he floated amongst this sea of dark red.
I reach out a trembling hand, already soaked in blood from where my hands have touched his chest, and close his eyelids, willing him with everything I possess to come back to me, to only be sleeping.
Please come back, Daddy. You're all that I have. Please don't leave me all alone.
I keen silently over his body for what feels like hours before I feel strong hands – wrong hands – grab me around the tops of my arms and gently pull me away.
As I stand, the heartbroken and impossibly-sad eyes of my father's partner of 15 years are the last thing I see as I slump in his arms and the world goes black.
** Ten years later **
Thebanging on the bathroom door slowly breaks through my subconscious as I crack an eye open and assess where I am.
My face is pressed against the cool tile of the bathroom floor, my hair is plastered against the side of my face, and my black dress is twisted haphazardly up around my waist. I can feel and smell the dried vomit on my cheek and register the residual taste in my mouth.
"Bella! Open this fucking door right now! We have thirty minutes to get ready and leave or we'll miss our shift," Alice yells through the door, accompanied by the impossibly loud banging.
I sit up slowly, trying to ignore the blinding pain of my headache that I know from experience is only just beginning to show its true cruelty.
I grab the edge of the sink and stiffly haul myself up, my back aching from where I have slept on the rumpled fabric of my dress.
"Give me a fucking minute, Al. I'll be right out," I croak out.
The banging mercifully stops as Alice leaves to go put on some coffee.
I put another hand on the edge of the sink and slowly lift my head to take in my reflection.
My long brown hair is tangled wildly around my head, sticking up in a million different directions as it fights against the hold of last night's hair spray. My heavy eyeliner is smudged and crusty-feeling, and the once blood-red lipstick I had been wearing has long since rubbed off, leaving my lips a swollen, stained cherry pink.
Despite passing out in full make up, my skin still somehow manages to remain perfectly smooth and unblemished. I look like a fallen, wild-haired angel.
Staring at my own reflection, even I can tell my large brown eyes look more aged and haunted than a 25-year-old's should look.
I brush my teeth twice, trying hard not to gag on the minty foam. I then take a quick, freezing cold shower before going to my room and pulling on yoga pants and a tank top.
When I walk into our small kitchen, Alice has her back to me as she piles three spoonfuls of sugar into her mug. Without turning around, she reaches for another mug and pours me a cup of black
coffee.
She turns around, her dark eyes sad and judgmental as she hands me the coffee.
"What the fuck, Bella. Again? I thought you had a meeting last night."
Alice has been my best friend for eight years, ever since we met in my third and final foster home. She had been placed in protective services after her mother chose Alice's abusive step-father over her own daughter and we had bonded over our mutual pain and our love for Jim Morrison.
We ran away one month later and have been surviving together ever since. We moved around several times before ultimately ending up back in a town just outside Seattle. Eighteen months ago we both got waitressing jobs at a popular bar in the city called Meyer's. They're known for hiring good looking waitresses and putting them in tight dresses while still keeping it classy. It definitely isn't the most intellectually stimulating job, but the pay is good and the shoebox hidden under my floorboards is filling with cash slowly but steadily. What, exactly, I'm saving for is yet to be determined.
"Well?" Alice asks, still waiting for me to answer.
"I went to the fucking meeting, Alice, but this douchebag started coming on to me during the coffee break so I left. I ran into Demetri while I was waiting for the train and we ended up going to the bar around the corner. I know it was stupid, but I don't need to be at those meetings in the first place so I don't see what the big deal is."
It's actually sort of the truth. Yes, I abuse alcohol way more than the average person but I truly do not believe I am an alcoholic. I don't need alcohol, I just need to forget who I am – or rather, who I no longer am.
Regardless, Alice has been trying to get me to attend local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings as a form of "free therapy," as she calls it, to help me address the memories that have left me waking up screaming in the middle of the night for the past ten years.
Just because she is starting to get her shit together doesn't mean I will, though.
Alice has fallen for a guy we work with at Meyer's and they're moving in together in six weeks. For the first time since we've met, one of us is pulling themselves together. That one of us, is not me.
The truth is, I am scared to death of being alone and those AA meetings are just another reminder of how fucked up I still am while Alice moves on with Jasper.
"Did you bring anyone home last night?" she asks.
"NO," I say immediately, sounding more indignant than I probably have a right to.
Still, while I am no stranger to the one-night-stand, I am far from promiscuous given the number of opportunities I have. Sex has always been a meaningless means-to-an-end for me and I find more solace in a bottle of whiskey than I do in the arms of some sweaty stranger.
Alice sighs and pushes off from the counter. Her hair is pulled back in two small, dark pig tails and her outfit for work is immaculate, as always.
"You promised me you would go, Bells," she says more gently. "There's a different meeting tonight in Shoreline. Why don't you go after your later shift is over?"
"I'll think about it, Al," is all I say, feeling guilty as I take the last sip of my black coffee. "I'll be ready to leave for the train in ten minutes." I put my mug in the sink before heading back to my room to finish getting ready.
"Hi, my name is Bella, and I don't think I need to be here."
"Hi, Bella," came the monotone chorus of responses.
These meetings are all the fucking same. Same tortured souls, same sad stories, same endless pits of self-loathing. In fact, a small twisted piece of me takes some comfort and satisfaction in the fact that I am rarely the most fucked up individual at these meetings.
A few minutes after introductions and reciting AA's trademark Serenity Prayer the door opens with a bang and a guy casually saunters in. He is wearing dark jeans, a black t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He has wild dark brown-copper hair and a jawline that could cut granite.
As someone who sees a lot of people come through the bar on a nightly basis, I can unequivocally state that this is one of the best looking specimens I have ever seen.
He sits down in one of the empty folding plastic chairs, looking like he doesn't have a care in the fucking world.
The woman who has been speaking – I think her name is Shelley – pauses nervously for a few moments before she resumes her heartwarming tale of how she repeatedly drove her kids to playgroup while she was plastered. I eventually start to zone out and begin staring unabashedly at the new stranger.
He is now leaning back casually in his chair, staring at some spot on the wall with his piercing green eyes and blatantly not listening to a word the woman is saying.
He is starting to fidget in his seat and soon he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a toothpick and putting it in his mouth.
Fuck.
Never has a toothpick ever managed to look so fucking sexy.
After Shelley Sunshine has wrapped up her story, the facilitator – a balding man named Alec – turns his attention to the new visitor.
"I don't believe I've ever seen you in one of my meetings. What can you tell us about yourself?"
For a moment it looks like the stranger isn't even going to respond but then he rolls his eyes with a distinct fuck it, why not? look and launches in.
"Hmm, let's see, what are the basics? My name is Edward Cullen and I grew up in the area. I was in and out of Juvie as a teenager and for the last few years I've been on probation for various incidents of illegal activity. Recently while I was on a drunken bender I totaled the car of a guy using only a baseball bat. Rather than serve time for a probation violation the court just ordered me to pay a fine and come to these useless fucking meetings. So here I am," he finishes with an unenthusiastic wave of his hand.
"So you don't believe you need to be here?" Alec asks.
"No, I don't. In fact, I'm really looking forward to going to a bar after this and enjoying an ice cold beer."
Alec seems annoyed with Edward's comment but he suppresses his reaction. Instead he gestures to me, of all people, and remarks, "Well, it seems like you and Bella have a lot in common given that you both feel like you don't belong here."
Edward lazily glances in my direction and our eyes lock. Some wild emotion flashes in his eyes for an instant before he simply nods his head in my direction and shrugs his shoulders to prove just how apathetic he feels about this news.
Despite his attempt at outward nonchalance, however, I feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my head for the remainder of the meeting.
I summon all my willpower and choose not to stare back.
During a break I am pouring myself a cup of the notoriously disgusting black sludge they call coffee when I feel a presence behind me.
"Let's get wasted," he breathes in my ear.
I grab my coat without a backwards glance and follow him out the door.
Sorry, Alice. I'm now 0 for 2.
We walk in silence for a few blocks and I wrap my arms around myself, bracing against the cold weather with only my short black dress, black sheer stockings, and a light jacket to keep me warm. In a part of my mind I don't want to acknowledge I fleetingly feel some satisfaction knowing I look pretty hot in my work outfit.
Edward has his hands in his pockets as he chews on a fresh toothpick.
No longer able to contain my curiosity I finally have to ask, "What's with the toothpick?"
Edward tosses me a sideways glance before shrugging casually, "I'm trying to quit smoking."
For some reason this is amusing to me so I breathe out a laugh.
"What's so funny?" he asks with a smirk.
"Nothing," I laugh again. "It's just that you give off a distinct vibe that you couldn't give a fuck about your personal well-being and yet you're trying to quit smoking."
Edward's smirk increases as he responds, "Yeah, well, one step at a time and all that shit, right?"
"Sure, why not."
We continue walking in comfortable silence for a few more blocks before we come across a bar that Edward apparently knows of.
When we walk in, Edward strides confidently to the bar and shakes hands with the bartender, a tall and attractive man with sharp Scandinavian features and discerning blue eyes. Edward turns toward me and places a hand on the small of my back, sending involuntary shivers up my spine. If he notices my body's traitorous reaction he doesn't say anything, instead gesturing to make introductions. "Garrett, this is Bella. Bella, this is Garrett."
"Nice to meet you," Garrett says, giving me a warm smile.
Edward immediately orders us four shots of whiskey. Who am I to complain? When Garrett places them in front of us I down my two shots in quick succession, immediately feeling the welcome burn down my throat as it provides me with the only comfort I know of.
I signal Garrett and ask for a vodka soda and another shot. Edward motions that he'll have the same, but a beer instead of the cocktail.
When we get our next round of drinks, Edward inclines his body slightly towards mine on the neighboring bar stool. "So, Bella, what do you do when you're not busy attending AA meetings you don't feel you should be at?"
I start picking at the damp cocktail napkin under my drink, absently tearing away small pieces of the softened white corner while I ponder how much I want to share with him.
"There's not too much to tell, really. I grew up in Port Angeles and started moving around a lot when I was a teenager before eventually coming back to the Seattle area with my best friend a few years ago." The smooth, all-familiar story comes out easily but I find myself momentarily wishing I could be telling the full truth for once instead.
"What do you do here in the city?" he asks, his green gaze penetrating my building buzz.
"I work over at Meyer's bar, just a few blocks from here actually. The money is pretty good and I drink for free," I lamely joke, gesturing with the vodka soda in my hand.
"Can't argue with that," Edward says before he downs the remainder of his beer and waves to Garrett for another.
"So what about you?" I ask. "I heard what you said in the meeting about growing up in the area. What do you do to make money?"
In no particular rush to answer my question, Edward replaces the toothpick in his mouth with a fresh one and starts peeling at the label of the empty bottle in his hand.
"A little of this a little of that," he says evasively.
At first I think that's all he's going to say but then he randomly adds, "I'm not really a 9 to 5 kind of guy. I'm pretty good at construction and I do a fair bit of that in the summer. Growing up as a kid I actually really wanted to be an architect."
We both let this sink in for a moment before Edward sort of shrugs his shoulders. "Huh, I haven't really thought about that in a while."
We aren't overly talkative with each other but somehow we're both comfortable with that. Minutes stretch on as we both sit and nurse our drinks in companionable silence.
Somewhere along the line as our drinks start nearing the double digits, we stop engaging in traditional conversation and instead begin sharing soft, slightly slurred confessions.
"I hate the fact that I've become so dependent on my best friend."
"My childhood best friend has been in jail for nine years and I haven't been to see him once. I don't ever intend to."
"I often think I'm not going to live to see 30… and I'm weirdly okay with it given how shitty my life has been going."
"Sometimes I sit in my car and think about just leaving this gloomy fucking city behind and driving down the coast to California and never looking back."
"I'm worried I'll never be anything more than a waitress."
"I've always wanted a dog but I'm worried I'll die and no one will be around to take care of it."
"I miss reading. I used to read Pride & Prejudice at least three times a year and now I don't think I've held a copy in my hands for over ten years."
"I want a cigarette so badly I would sell a fucking kidney."
At some point over the course of our conversation we have turned to face each other on our bar stools, Edward's knees alternate with my own as he gesticulates his points by holding the toothpick in his hand. I try to stay focused on his words but I can feel my mind wanting to instead focus exclusively on where our bodies are touching.
Halfway through one comment Edward stops abruptly as he sees something over my shoulder. His eyes narrow in anger – and possibly concern – for a split second before he slips on his mask of apathy.
"Well, well, well… who have we here, Cullen?"
"What the fuck do you want, Felix?" Edward asks in a bored tone.
I turn to see who has captured Edward's attention. A guy with dirty blond hair wearing a beat up brown jacket is making his way toward us. I begrudgingly acknowledge that he is a pretty attractive guy but he doesn't hold a candle to Edward. Felix is about two inches shorter and has cruel, calculating dark eyes that don't match the laid back façade he is trying to display.
"What do I want?" Felix asks rhetorically. "I want you to apologize for beating the shit out of my cousin's car with that stupid baseball bat. I want to step outside and have a little 'conversation' with you so we can sort it out. And I want you to introduce me to this lovely young lady."
Edward's eyes flash darkly and he stands up immediately, positioning himself between me and Felix.
"She's no one. Just some girl I picked up on the way here," he says indifferently. Even though I know he is just trying to get Felix to leave, Edward's quick dismissal inexplicably stings.
Someone yells to Felix that it's time to go and he turns to leave. "You can be sure I'll be seeing you around, Eddie." I feel dirty as his eyes linger appreciatively up my body for a few additional seconds before he slaps Edward on the back and walks away.
We both sit in silence for a moment as Edward sits back down.
"Sorry about that," Edward says softly. "He's a fucking idiot. We know a lot—"
"Edward, I get it," I cut him off. "No explanation needed."
Edward stares at to me for a moment longer and then just nods and picks his beer back up, seeming relieved that I'm not going to make a big deal of his behavior.
Once the Felix guy leaves, the night goes on and we drink to the point of extremely-hazy-but-still-functioning. At some point I realize that I've revealed more to this stranger in one night than I have to anyone other than Alice in the past ten years.
Garrett informs us that it's last call at the bar and Edward signals for one more drink before putting a hundred dollar bill down on the bar.
We each take our respective final shot in one gulp.
As we both set our glasses down our eyes lock and the mood shifts instantly. Tension crackles between us as Edward's eyes grow dark and he wets his lower lip with his tongue. I stare at his mouth as my heartbeat picks up and my breath starts coming out in little pants.
He removes his toothpick and sets it on the bar.
"Wanna get out of here?" he asks huskily.
I silently nod my head as I stand and make my way toward the front door.
"Not that way," Edward says, grabbing my wrist and pulling me toward the back of the bar.
My wrist is on fire where he is holding me and I follow him without hesitation through a dimly lit storage room and out a back door that leads into the quiet, deserted alley behind the bar.
No sooner have I attempted inhaling a deep calming breath of fresh air when I am suddenly yanked back by the wrist Edward is still holding. He roughly pushes me up against the brick wall of the alley and his lips crash against mine. My mind is reeling and my heart is flying as I plunge my tongue into his mouth in response, moaning as he fiercely digs his fingertips into my hips.
He tastes like whiskey and the mint flavoring from his toothpicks.
His hands tangle violently in my hair as our tongues fight against one another for dominance. His lips are cold from the night air but his tongue is warm and wet and the sensation is driving me wild.
He finally breaks away and tugs my head roughly to the side, his lips latching onto my neck as he breathes me in deeply and darts his tongue out to taste my skin.
"You smell so fucking good," he exhales against my neck.
I moan deeply in response – making a sound I can't ever remember making before – as he pushes his hips even harder against mine. As if he can't get close enough, he then bends down and picks me up, forcing me to wrap my legs around him as he presses his hard erection exactly where I need him most.
His lips trail up my neck and he bites just-not-painfully below my ear as he starts rocking his body into mine in a steady, needy cadence.
"I want you so fucking badly," he says roughly against my ear. "Tell me I can have you."
"Yes," I nod. "Do it now. Fuck me now. Please, Edward."
He groans against me and quickly pulls back to give me another searing kiss. Our lips tangle and clash as he shifts my weight to one arm while his free hand reaches up to slip into the front of my dress and roughly cup one of my breasts. He pushes me up higher against the wall – my back crying out in pleasurable protest as it scrapes against the rough brick. He bares my chest to the cold night air and wraps his lips around one of my nipples, biting gently.
The sensation just about sends me over the edge and I need him inside me this very moment. I reach down to halt his actions, yanking him up by his hair so I can kiss him again.
"Now, Edward." I implore against his lips, needing him in a way I have never needed anyone before. "Fuck me now."
"Yeah?" he presses me roughly against the brick one last time. "You want me to fuck you?"
"You know I do. Just fucking do it. Please," I beg unashamedly.
With that, he lowers my feet to the ground and spins me around to face some storage crates that are piled up in the alley beside us, shielding us from the street.
"Rest your hands on that," he demands.
I immediately do as he asks, leaning over the crates as he puts one hand on my back while another reaches up under my dress and violently yanks my black stockings down to my knees. With that same hand he suddenly plunges two fingers roughly into me, pumping them in and out in quick succession.
"So fucking wet," he says in a strained voice.
"You make me so wet," I pant truthfully.
He grabs my hips forcefully between his hands, lining himself up at my entrance before slapping my ass once very hard and plunging his full length into my wet heat. I cry out wildly into the night at the feeling of him finally inside me.
With his hips flush against mine, we both pause for a moment just to feel how perfectly we fit together.
After a moment I need friction, though, so I push my hips back against his and urge him to start moving. Seemingly roused from his momentary daze, Edward begins pounding into me.
"So. Fucking. Tight." he pants out with each violent thrust of his hips. "So. Fucking. Hot."
He puts a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back even more ferociously against his cock.
"Yes, Bella. Fuck, yes," he grunts out as I climb my way steadily toward my release.
He then yanks me upright by my shoulder and turns my face toward his, kissing me with a passion I don't think either of us is expecting.
"So close, Edward. Don't stop," I beg as my lips break away briefly from his.
As he continues to fuck me unremittingly, he reaches down and starts rubbing my clit, pushing me closer toward the point of no return. Never in my life have I experienced such indescribable euphoria as the light finally bursts behind my eyes and I clamp down on his cock, crying out a loud, "YES, EDWARD, YES!" into the otherwise silent alley. Edward pumps into me a few more times before grunting loudly and calling my name through clenched teeth while he presses his forehead into my back and pours himself into me.
We stay like that with my forearms resting on the crates and with Edward bowed over me as we both catch our breath and calm our racing hearts.
Edward slowly pulls out of me and right as I am starting to miss his presence I feel soft lips gently kiss between my shoulder blades.
The wind suddenly hits the slick sheen of sweat that has formed over my skin and I shiver as I reach down to pull my tights back up. I stand and turn slowly just as Edward finishes zipping up his pants.
He scratches the back of his neck and looks up at me, smiling crookedly as he says, "Well, that was…. an unexpectedly pleasant way to end what I thought was going to be a shitty fucking night."
I cough out a laugh back as I nod my head without saying anything, staring down at the ground and starting to feel uncharacteristically awkward.
"You're pretty fucking amazing, you know that?" he says out of nowhere.
My eyes shoot to his and for the first time in years I feel a blush creep up my face.
"Seriously, we just fucked in a back alley and a compliment has you blushing?" Edward smirks.
I just shrug and breathe out a soft staccato laugh. "Shut up."
"So, where are you headed?" he asks, mercifully changing the subject.
"Probably just the train station."
"Okay then," He seems to want to say something else but ultimately decides against it. "I guess I'll see you around then, Bella."
"Sounds good, Edward Cullen," I reply with a smirk, attempting to mask my warring emotions at the thought of potentially never seeing him again.
"That reminds me," he says, interrupting my quickly spiraling thoughts. "I never got your last name, Bella."
"It's Swan."
"Bella Swan as in… Isabella Swan?" Edward asks.
"Yes, why?"
His eyes widen in horror for a fraction of a second before quickly burying the emotion so deep down that I'm sure I have imagined it.
"No reason. Just was curious," he says in a distracted voice.
"Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you around, Edward."
"Yeah, sounds good," he says half-heartedly, his voice sounding different than it had only a moment earlier.
It's been two weeks and I still haven't seen Edward again.
I try to tell myself that the reason I went back for another AA meeting isn't because of him. I try to tell myself that, at least.
I can't seem to get him out of my head and I hate it.
My dreams are filled with piercing green eyes, strong fingers, and warm wet lips wrapped around toothpicks.
Alice can tell something is off with me but doesn't press.
One night when I'm walking home from work I choose a route that leads me past Garrett's bar. My shift ended an hour ago and I've already had a few drinks so I'm feeling slightly emboldened.
The bar is fairly packed given that it's a Friday night and as I push the door open I'm happy to see that Garrett is indeed working tonight. He glances up and gives me a smile, recognizing me immediately.
"Bella, it's good to see you again. What can I get you? Is Edward on his way?"
"I'll take a whiskey neat, please. And no, Edward is not on his way. In fact, I was actually sort of wondering if you'd seen him recently…?" I trail off, not wanting to sound like a stalker.
Garrett doesn't seem to think anything of it, setting my drink down in front of me. "No, haven't seen him since that night you two were in here. I've got to tell you, I almost had to turn the air conditioning on in here after the way you two were staring at each other." He's joking but his words make something twist deep inside me. I felt that way too but clearly Edward didn't. I don't know why his rejection stings so much.
"Well if you see him, perhaps you could let him know I stopped by?" I say, taking the last sip of my drink and standing from the stool I've been sitting on.
"Sure, sounds good," Garrett says warmly.
I turn to leave when a brown jacket suddenly steps into my path. I look up and immediately recognize the guy named Felix that had spoken to Edward last time we were here. I don't really have the patience for this right now and say in an exasperated voice, "What the fuck do you want?"
"Bella, is it?" Felix says, ignoring my question. "That's a beautiful name. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a lowlife like Eddie."
His breath reeks of beer and his eyes have a wild, glazed over look that puts me on my guard immediately. I glance anxiously back at the bar and see that Garrett has flipped open his phone to call someone.
Felix leans in closer as he says, "A stunning girl like you belongs on the arm of a real man," he reaches out to touch my arm and I jerk myself away from him.
"Don't fucking touch me," I say quickly. I need to put some space between us and I don't want to lead him out of the bar so I turn on my heel and head to the ladies room. After splashing some water on my face I head back out and look around in relief to see that Felix has left, presumably having gotten the message and given up.
I give Garrett a tentative wave and leave the bar. I step out onto the sidewalk and am looking both ways about to cross the deserted street when I hear something nearby. I whirl around in surprise to see Felix behind me.
"Bella… " he breathes. "Didn't you want to say goodbye?" Felix reaches out and places a clammy hand on my forearm, squeezing.
"You're fucking delusional. Let go of me," I say through clenched teeth. "You're hurting me." I move to jerk my hand away but he only clamps down harder on my arm. I gasp out at the sudden pain and am about to lift my leg to kick him when a blur of copper and leather suddenly jerks Felix away from me.
With a roar of anger Edward whips Felix around and smashes his hand into his face, the sickening sound of crunching bones is loud in the otherwise silent night. While Felix is momentarily incapacitated, Edward strides over to me.
"Are you okay?" He asks urgently.
"Yes. Just a little shaken," is all I say, knowing my face must be sheet white.
Edward's eyes flash with unbridled rage before he turns and softly says, "Wait here," before walking back toward Felix.
"Eddie, calm down… we were just having a little fun," Felix says nervously, clearly petrified by the look on Edward's face. Before Felix has a chance to say another word, Edward's punches him again, knocking him to the ground.
"You don't fucking touch her!" Edward yells.
He then picks Felix up by the collar of his jacket and proceeds to punch him repeatedly. Not stopping even long after Felix has been knocked unconscious.
I finally register that Edward is going too far and I pull on his jacket. "Stop it Edward. You're going to kill him!" It takes another few tries before I penetrate his trance. He drops Felix's limp body to the pavement and stands slowly, turning to face me.
It's at this point I realize what he is now covered in.
The reaction to the sight of blood is instantaneous. Stars swim before my eyes and darkness threatens to swallow me right before Edward recognizes what's happening and grabs me.
"Whoa, there. I've got you. I've got you."
As if I weigh nothing, Edward scoops me up in his arms. I cling to consciousness as I try to block out the tormenting copper smell and instead savor the feel of Edward's arms carrying me but I lose the battle after seven blocks and slip into the comforting darkness of nothingness.
It's still dark out when I wake up in a strange bed.
Without lifting my head I can see Edward sitting in a chair near the window. His body is facing me but he is staring outside with one hand tangled in his hair as he takes a long, smooth drag of the cigarette in his hand, his profile illuminated by the light from the street shining in. He tilts his head back and he steadily blows out, watching the slender smoke swell and spiral above his head.
My body is immediately awake.
As much as I think his toothpicks are sexy, there is something downright fuckhot about this man smoking a cigarette.
He glances back at the bed and notices that I'm awake. Without saying anything, he drops the cigarette in a beer bottle on the floor. The muffled hiss of the ember being extinguished in the lingering liquid sounds loud in the quiet room.
Edward unfolds himself from the chair and slowly comes over to the bed, sitting on the edge near my head.
"Where am I?" I rasp out.
"My apartment," he says softly, his voice hoarse from lack of use. Without another word he picks up my right arm, gently cradling it in his hands before rotating it and inspecting the dark bruise that's forming on my forearm where Felix grabbed me.
His eyes are a mixture of residual fury and pain as he says, "I'm so sorry, Bella – for so much. This is all my fault."
His sad, heartbroken eyes and gentle touch don't match the same wild guy who fucked me in the back alley of the bar only two weeks ago. He still looks the part of the angry bad boy but his haunted expression reminds me so much of my own when I look in the mirror each morning.
Both sides of him equally intrigue me and I am startled to realize that I want to stay here in his bed for as long as he'll have me.
Before I can do that, though, I need to call Alice and let her know I'm okay.
I start to sit up further but a wave of dizziness forces me to lean back against the pillows again.
"What is it?" Edward asks, concerned. "What do you need?" He's pulling at his hair, looking anxious that I'm trying to leave.
"I just need my phone so I can text Alice that I'm not coming home tonight," I say distractedly as I look around the room for my phone.
We stare at each other for a moment before Edward breaks eye contact to get up and retrieve my bag. I quickly text Alice to say that I'm staying at a friend from AA's house and then put my phone away.
Edward has pulled his chair closer to the bed and is looking at me nervously. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a toothpick, settling it into the corner of his mouth.
I quirk an eyebrow at him while glancing down at the beer bottle on the floor that still holds the butt of the cigarette I saw him smoking earlier.
"How's that working out for you?" I tease lightly, gesturing at the bottle.
For the first time all night I see him crack a small smile. "Yeah, one step forward, two steps back. Isn't that how most recoveries tend to go?"
"Looks like it," I joke back with a soft laugh.
A comfortable silence settles between us as we both gather our thoughts.
I finally just bite the bullet.
"So where have you been for the past two weeks? I thought maybe I'd see you around at Garrett's bar, or maybe another AA meeting. I thought we'd had a pretty good time together…" I trail off, realizing that my attempt at nonchalance is failing horribly and I sound like a clingy hook-up that needs reassurance.
Edward scratches his neck and leans forward so his forearms rest on his knees "We did have a good time, Bella" he assures. "It was fucking amazing. I just know for a fact that I'm no good for you and I was just trying to spare us both the trouble by staying away."
His words anger me. "Why do you say that? I know you felt what I felt. It wasn't just some random hook-up and you know it." A wave of insecurity suddenly floods through me as I tentatively admit, "At least, it wasn't for me."
"It wasn't for me either, Bella," he's quick to reassure me. "I tried everything I could to stay away from you these past two weeks and I thought I was getting over you," he pauses and bites down on his toothpick in frustration. "But as soon as I received Garrett's call and the second I saw fucking Felix grab you I knew that I couldn't ever stay away from you."
We both let his words sink in and realize that we've just made somewhat major declarations despite the brief and unusual circumstances surrounding how we met.
"So what now?" I ask.
"Now you go to sleep and we'll talk this over more tomorrow."
I wish I could say I fought him on this suggestion but his words make me realize just how exhausted I am. I take one deep inhale of his Edward-scented pillow and my eyes close of their own volition.
Somehow one night at Edward's turns into three days, which then turns into a full week.
Alice freaked out initially but when I begged her to bring me a bag of necessities and we had a chance to talk briefly she seemed to come around. She wasn't happy about the situation and made me promise to text her every day but she reluctantly admitted that I did look different – "happier… lighter." Whatever that meant.
Edward and I spend the remainder of the weekend just laying around his apartment, sipping whiskey and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time.
Edward finally opens up to me about how he can afford such a nice apartment. Apparently his parents kicked him out after he was arrested as a teenager. He quickly rushes past the part of the story about why he was arrested and when I press for details he looks so torn about something and beads of sweat form on his forehead.
I have no idea what to make of his reaction but the moment seems so charged with fear that I urge him to continue with his story and don't press the issue further.
That's all in the past anyway.
Three years ago a lawyer tracked him down to let him know that his parents had both been killed in a car accident, leaving him everything because they hadn't bothered to change their original will.
Edward finishes his story and we both just sit there and let his words swirl around us. I can tell he hasn't talked about this in a long time and I can appreciate how emotionally draining it can be.
Edward gets up eventually to order us pizza and I call in "sick" to the bar for the fifth night in a row. I know I'll have to go back to reality eventually but I'm not ready to burst our little bubble just yet.
I'm hopeful that tonight will be the night that he finally initiates something but for the seventh night in a row all he does is climb in bed behind me and pull me back against his hard chest.
I swallow down my disappointment and drift off to sleep, content for the moment just to feel safe in his arms.
Another two weeks go by and somehow we fall into an unspoken rhythm. I start going back to work a few nights a week and although I've gone home to stay with Alice a few times, more often than not I find myself back on Edward's doorstep.
I still haven't told Edward about Charlie yet. I don't know why, but for some reason it just doesn't feel right. Perhaps it's because I fear he'll look at me like I'm just looking for someone to take care of me. I don't want the only good thing in my life right now to be tainted by tragedies in my past. There will be a time to tell him but for now I just want to be happy.
One morning I wake up and find a key on the bedside table next to me. I try to tell myself it's not a big deal but I know that it is. I don't know how long this arrangement is going to last but I'd like it to continue.
That's assuming I don't die of sexual frustration first.
It has been steadily building ever since that very first night in his apartment and now it hangs like heavy humidity around us.
I don't know why he's not taking the initiative but we seem to have some unspoken agreement not to discuss it yet. It feels like Edward is still trying to work something out in his mind and I just need to give him some space.
In the meantime, I want him to understand that I'm not some damsel in distress and that I'm more than willing to pull my weight.
I look around the apartment and notice that the dishes haven't been done in a few days. Alice and I have never actually owned a dishwasher before but I figure it can't be that hard and I get to work gathering up the dirty bowls and plates and loading them in the machine.
I grab the Palm Olive dish soap that's sitting by the sink and squirt some into the compartment. I close the door and hit 'start,' feeling exceptionally pleased with myself as I hear the low rumble of the machine starting up.
I am a little sweaty from my exertions so I take a quick shower and have just finished pulling on a black bra and underwear when I remember that I left something in the living room.
As I walk into the living room I glance toward the kitchen and to my absolute horror see that there is a steady stream of bubbles flowing like lava out the sides of the dishwasher door.
"No, no, no, no!" I yell at the machine, running over and rapidly pushing buttons at random. "Don't you fucking do this to me!" I hit more buttons before abandoning my efforts to stop the machine and instead start trying to gather the bubbles from the floor in my arms and transferring them to the sink.
I am in the middle of my third dash to the sink when I hear keys rattling in the lock. Edward opens the door and freezes with his mouth agape as he takes in the scene before him.
I'm standing clad only in my bra and underwear, covered in suds and looking like a terrified deer in the headlights.
Edward's eyes start crinkling at the edges and he starts to make a sort of wheezing, shocked sound before he throws his head back and starts laughing in a way I've never heard him laugh before.
This of course makes me feel suddenly very indignant and I yell at him, "It's not funny! Your machine is broken! I could have drowned!" Even I realize how crazy that sounds but I feel like an idiot.
Edward just laughs harder when he says, "Did you put dish soap in there instead of the detergent under the sink? That would explain this."
"How was I supposed to know?" I cry back at him.
Still laughing, Edward starts walking toward me but doesn't see how far the soapy water extends. Suddenly he skids forward and after a crazy, feet-flailing dance he goes down hard on the kitchen floor.
The look of shock on his face is priceless as he sits up amidst the ocean of bubbles.
The sight of badass Edward covered in dish soap is just too much and suddenly I'm doubled over and laughing harder than I ever remember laughing in my life.
"You- You should see your face!" I gasp out.
Edward tries to look offended but his eyes twinkle with amusement before he finally gives in and starts laughing loudly with me. While I'm still giggling Edward scoops up some of the dish soap without warning and throws it in my face.
I sputter and wipe the soap from my cheek before picking up my own handful of soap and throwing it at him. Soon we're wrestling like five-year-olds and I am begging for mercy as Edward pins me beneath him.
"Uncle! Uncle!" I call out, smiling up at his laughing eyes.
We are both breathing heavily as we seem to realize at the exact same moment the position we're now in.
The mood changes instantly.
His mouth is positioned only inches above mine and I can see Edward staring at me like he's a dying man and my lips are his only salvation.
Before he can pull away, I lift myself quickly and press my lips to his.
Edward's eyes fly up to mine as we stay like that, contemplating what this will mean. Yes, we've already had sex but this is different and we both know it.
Something sparks in Edward's eyes as the last ounce of his willpower finally evaporates and suddenly the hunger I remember seeing so vividly comes back in full force.
Edward moans against my lips briefly before swiftly flipping me so his back is on the floor and I'm on top of him.
His hands knot in my soapy hair as he pulls my mouth roughly to his as the sexual frustration of the past few weeks infuses our kiss with a passion so powerful I couldn't take a breath if I tried.
We stay making out on the kitchen floor for what feels like hours before our need for each other grows even greater and Edward reaches back to unhook my bra.
He roughly palms my breasts as his lips go to my neck and he rolls my nipples between his expert fingers.
"I want you so badly, Bella," he says forcefully against my neck. "It's been torture staying away from you these past few weeks."
"Why have you, then?" I breathe out, my eyes rolling back in my head at the feel of his lips kissing that spot behind my ear.
"I don't deserve you," is all he says before claiming my lips once again.
The need to have him inside of me feels suddenly overwhelming and my hand goes to the front of his pants, freeing him from his boxers and stroking him.
"Don't wait any longer, Edward," I whimper. "Please."
He flips us back over so he is on top as he slides down my body, removing my black panties as he goes. My heart is practically crashing through my rib cage as he hungrily kisses his way up by body.
"Now, Edward," I implore eagerly.
Thankfully Edward doesn't tease me and instead thrusts into me in one swift movement as soon as his cock reaches my entrance. We take only a moment to savor the feeling of being reconnected before he starts driving into me.
I wish I could say we have sex for hours on that kitchen floor but after almost a month of building frustration it only takes a few minutes of thrusting from Edward's glorious cock before I'm crying out his name and biting his shoulder in an effort to somehow channel the tempest of emotions flying through me. Shortly after I come Edward follows right after me with a roar and we both lay in a heap of limbs, trying to catch our breath in a sea of suds.
Slowly we get up and walk hand-in-hand to the shower. We don't talk as we stand under the warm spray but we breathe out soft laughs as we wash the remains of the dish soap from our bodies.
Afterwards he leads me to the bedroom and lays me down as we make slow passionate love in a way we never have before. He puts his hands on the sides of my face as he kisses me, cradling my head as if I'm the most precious thing in the world.
As he moves slowly but purposefully within me, our fingers intertwine above us and our foreheads stay pressed together as he whispers how beautiful I am to him, how special, how cherished.
Afterwards we lay haphazardly across the bed, just talking while Edward draws lazy circles on my stomach with one of his toothpicks.
I realize in this moment that I've never felt this level of contentment before and a warm heat spreads through my stomach at the realization that I think he feels it too.
We just fit.
I lift my head to look at him but before I can say anything, Edward's eyes cloud over with a sadness that is becoming increasingly frequent these days.
Without another word, he gently pulls my face to his and gives me a tender, seemingly-tormented kiss. I want to ask what's wrong but I don't want to ruin this perfect night.
He kisses my forehead once before resting his head on my chest. I run my fingers through his still-damp hair and slowly start to drift off.
Right before I slip under, when I'm sure Edward thinks I've been asleep for a while, I feel his lips on my heart as he whispers to himself, "Why does it have to be you?"
I fall asleep before I have a chance to process what he's saying.
The pool of blood is edging closer and closer to me and no matter how much I try to turn my feet and run I can't move. I am anchored in my spot and Charlie is gasping his final breaths, reaching for me with desperate eyes, imploring me to get out of there.
Just as I am about to make a final push to move my feet, a man in a black ski mask bursts through the door, running toward me with a gun drawn, ready to come back and finish what he started.
I feel his fingertips scrape down my arm and I open my mouth to scream—
"Bella! Bella! You're dreaming, Baby. Wake up!" Edward is shaking me, pushing the hair urgently out of my face and peppering my eyes with kisses as he tries to bring me back from the dark depths of my nightmare. "Bella!" he calls, one last time, urging me to wake up with eyes that look like they are even more tortured than my own.
I am trembling uncontrollably as I sink back down on the bed, trying to calm myself by breathing in the comforting smell of Edward. He doesn't push me to tell him what the dream was about but instead just strokes my hair, pressing light kisses to my forehead.
I know this would probably be the right time to tell him about Charlie but I just can't work up the courage or energy to do so. I don't know what is holding me back but I know I need to tell him eventually.
In the meantime, I decide in that moment that I am going to start getting my life together.
It's almost as if Edward and I both decided in that moment to become worthy of each other.
Another two weeks pass and Alice officially moves in with Jasper. Our rent is paid through another month, though, so I don't worry about future living arrangements just yet.
After having another nightmare I decide to take Alice's advice and try to get back to AA. I haven't actually spoken aloud in a meeting yet but I'm working my way up to it.
Meanwhile, I start noticing various sketches and blueprints popping up around Edward's apartment. Even to an untrained eye like mine I can see they are exceptionally good. When I ask about them Edward just shrugs them off as a hobby but I can tell he is getting excited about it. I find small piles of whittled away toothpicks strewn throughout the apartment from where he's clearly sat for hours, poring himself into his drawings.
One night as we lay wrapped around each other he admits that Garrett knows about an internship opening at an architecture firm. He starts to go on about how he probably won't even get it and it's at the bottom of the totem pole anyway but I cut him off with a kiss.
I pull away and give him my biggest smile, truly feeling so happy and proud of him in that moment that I could burst.
For the first time I feel like perhaps I have a future to potentially look forward to and even though Edward and I are both fucked up individuals, maybe we can be fucked up individuals together.
The night before Edward's big interview I decide that tomorrow night I'm going to share my story about Charlie in AA. Alec has turned out to be a pretty cool guy and I finally feel comfortable enough with the group to consider opening up. Edward has attended a few meetings with me but is still only going to fulfill his court mandate.
Edward is in the living room putting his sketches in the messenger bag Jasper loaned him when I walk in. Alice and Edward have developed an unexpected friendship over the past few weeks and she has taken over the task of dressing him for his interview. She has chosen a simple white button-down, grey khakis and a black skinny tie. She's also supplied him with an umbrella so he can stay "put together" when it inevitably rains tomorrow.
I giggle at the thought of my bad boy looking so professional but when Edward catches me laughing he just rolls his eyes and tackles me to the bed.
After I've been thoroughly put in my place, we lie sated in bed. After a while I feel Edward start to fidget before he finally takes a deep breath and asks, "How would you like to go to dinner with me tomorrow night?"
"Like a date?" I turn my head to smile at him.
"Sure, like a date," he swallows. "I'd also like to talk to you about something… important."
"Of course. That actually works out well. You have your last AA meeting tomorrow night, right? Maybe we can meet there and then go to dinner afterwards?"
I don't tell Edward that I'm planning on speaking at the meeting tomorrow because I'm worried he'll be disappointed in me if I chicken out.
For now, he just smiles down at me and says, "Sure, that sounds great."
Eighteen hours later I am sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair, staring out at the semi-circle of strangers. I check my watch again and turn in my seat for the millionth time to see if Edward is coming through the door behind me.
He's late.
The meeting is already starting to wind down but Alec knows I was hoping to open up so he finally turns to me and says, "Bella, did you have something to share tonight?"
I swallow nervously and decide that I might as well just go ahead with it. I clear my throat to speak and softly begin my story: "When I was fifteen years old my father was murdered in an armed robbery by two masked men. Other than the witness, I was the first person to the scene and not a day has gone by that I'm not haunted by the memory of that night. My father was a good man, he didn't deserve to die," my throat starts to close up but I swallow the lump and keep going.
"A lot of children lose their parents, I don't want or need any special pity. What haunts me the most is what kind of person I have become since my dad's death. Charlie always said that some of the things he loved most about me were my intelligence, my kindness to others, and the goodness of my heart." I take a shaky breath. "I don't even remember who that girl is now. Somehow over the past ten years I have lost sight of everything Charlie loved most about me and I feel like every morning when I look in the mirror I lose him all over again."
Tears finally spill over and track silently down my cheeks. Someone nearby hands me a tissue and I take it gratefully.
I clear my throat again and this time I give a small smile.
"That all changed a little less than two months ago. I…I met someone and for the first time since Charlie died I have started to feel happiness again. I've started to actually plan a future. I feel that goodness starting to return and it feels like I can finally mourn my dad properly and let him go."
"What happened to the men who killed him?" Shelley interrupts cautiously, tears brimming in her own eyes.
My smile fades immediately. "They weren't men," I spit out. "They were stupid kids. Only 17-years-old. Surveillance video caught their license plate and they were arrested shortly after the incident. Because they were wearing ski masks I wasn't asked to identify them and by the time the trial came around I was already in foster care. They were initially tried as minors so I didn't know their identity until security footage came out and the one who pulled the trigger was eventually tried and sentenced as an adult—some kid named Tyler Hunt who lived a town over. I actually saw the video footage and it's clear it was just a stupid robbery gone wrong. You can see Tyler and the other guy arguing and his friend actually tried to stop him when Tyler pulled a gun out of nowhere … but it was too late. For his actions, the other kid just got a few months in Juvenile Detention."
I look up and everyone is staring at me, captivated. I decide it's time to wrap this up.
"I often think about what I could have done differently that night and what I would say to the two guys who took my father from me. For so long I've fixated on hatred and revenge but now, for the first time, I feel myself letting go of my anger and it's giving me a sense of peace that no bottle of whiskey has ever been able to."
People softly applaud me and I see Alec's eyes flick over my shoulder. I turn just in time to see brown-copper hair retreating through the back door.
How much did he hear? Did my baggage totally freak him out after all?
I can't sit here any longer not knowing so I grab my jacket and leave without another thought.
I find him sitting at Garrett's bar, his shoulders hunched over as he nurses a double whiskey. The white shirt he has been wearing is untucked and is now hanging loosely around his waist. I stand beside him for a moment but he doesn't even acknowledge my presence.
My heart is hammering against my rib cage as I realize that my baggage is, indeed, too much for him and he's finally had enough of me.
I turn away from him and walk swiftly to the bathroom, locking the door behind me and gripping my hair painfully as tears gather in my eyes. After a few minutes of rocking back and forth I realize I'm starting to feel claustrophobic and need some fresh air.
I walk the familiar path through the storage room and out into the back alley, gulping in a lungful of oxygen as soon as I step outside. I walk around the storage crates to shield myself from outside eyes and lean my head back against the brick wall.
After a few minutes I hear the door open again and voices fill up the alley.
"Wait, slow down. I'm confused. Say that again?" It's Garrett's voice.
I am startled to hear Edward respond, his voice filled with so much agony I almost don't recognize him. "It was her dad, man. I was young and stupid and I ruined her life when I was involved in that robbery. I was going to tell her everything tonight but now I already know that she fucking hates me. I've been trying to get up the courage for weeks now, ever since I first made the horrific connection. What are the fucking odds?" he yells out in frustration.
I can't breathe.
I can't process.
My brain simply will not compute what it's hearing as I slowly push myself up off the ground and stand.
Edward is in the middle of pushing his hand through his hair when my movement out of the corner of his eye catches his attention. The look of terror that crosses his face when he realizes I have heard his confession would almost be comical if it hadn't just shattered my heart into a million pieces.
"Bella," he breathes out in horror. He starts to say something else but I hold up my arms, trying to shield myself from him.
I back away, never taking my tear-filled eyes off of his as I slowly retreat. His eyes look haunted and heartbroken as he wordlessly pleads with me to let him explain.
He never gets the chance, though, as I finally turn and sprint down the rest of the alley and into the street.
I wander in a daze. For the first time in a long time I am really craving a drink but a part of me knows that there is no alcohol strong enough to penetrate this level of pain.
This deep of a betrayal.
My phone buzzes incessantly but I ignore it. My feet start to ache from walking in my ankle boot heels so I sit in a park, staring off into the night. I regret that I chose not to wear my tights under my dress and am only wearing a thin black jacket.
It was him.
It might not have been him directly but all along, Edward has been one of the ones responsible for stealing away the only person who loved me unconditionally.
How cruel is the irony that the one person I give my heart to is the one person responsible for breaking it in the first place?
I stare into nothingness and contemplate the cruelty of the universe.
Around 4am it starts to drizzle and by 5am a steady rain had started to pour. I need to make my way to the train station so I can get home.
Home? Do I even still call it home?
I finally look down at my phone and see I have 20 missed calls – 15 from Edward and 5 from Alice.
I quickly text Alice that I'm fine and that I'm going to catch the 5:30am train.
I am shivering as I slowly make my way toward the station.
The station is unsurprisingly empty given that it's so early on a Saturday morning. I stand staring blankly out at the tracks as the rain pours steadily, poetically expressing my emotions in a way I am physically incapable of doing.
I feel him without even needing to turn around.
I hear the rain splatting off the top of that stupid umbrella that Alice gave him and I hear his labored breathing, as if he has run all the way here.
The wind picks up and the smell of him floats toward me in the heightened way that only happens to smells when it rains. I close my eyes against the onslaught of his scent and fight against the realization that this is the home I am longing to go back to.
I continue facing the tracks, willing the train to get here sooner … willing it to be delayed.
I hear him take a breath and my heart starts aching before he even speaks.
"I wanted to tell you—so many times," he chokes out. "I was a stupid kid, Bella. Tyler and I had gotten high one night and thought it would be funny to scare Mike Newton with a fake robbery. We were just going to grab a few dollars from the cash register and return it to him later. I didn't realize how serious Tyler was about it until he pulled out that fucking gun. Everything happened so fast and even though I tried to get it out of his hands your father—"he stops as I draw in a painful gasp—"your father suddenly came out of nowhere and Tyler pulled the trigger. I'm so sorry, Bella. So, so sorry. I would give anything in the world to go back and change what happened that night. "
I slowly turn, breathing heavily as my heart and mind war with each other. I need more time to process.
We stand staring at each other.
"Bella, I am so sorry. I should have told you so long ago but I didn't know how to without losing you. I know I don't deserve—" I cut him off by raising a shaking hand and dropping my eyes to stare at the pavement.
"Stop talking. Stop apologizing. I need a second to think." I take a deep shuddering breath. "I saw the footage, Edward. I saw you try to stop it."
"I did, Bella," he interjects quickly. Looking tortured as we both mentally relive the horrible events of that night that changed both of our lives forever.
"I know," I say with a shaky breath. "Which is the only reason I'm still standing here talking to you. But regardless of all of that, it doesn't change the fact that You. Lied. To. Me. Edward. I can't even start to wrap my head around this. You knew all along the role you played in Charlie's death but never told me."
His breaths are coming quickly and he is looking at me with so much pain and heartbreak it paralyzes me.
"I know, Bella. I know. I don't expect you to ever forgive me. How could you? I tried to stay away from you but somehow we just fit so well together…" he trails off, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "And then one day I woke up next to you and realized I was so fucking in love with you that I didn't know what to do."
My eyes close in protection against his words and in that moment I realize that the pain will only get exponentially worse if I let him walk away right now. If I let us end like this.
I raise my head and look at him. "I know what kind of person you are Edward. We've both had the shit kicked out of us in life and yet you're the one who made me smile for the first time since Charlie was killed. I know you were just a stupid kid, I know it was just a horrible accident on your part. I just don't know where we go from here."
As I say the words I realize I do know, though. I could drag this out and cause us both even more unbearable pain. Alternatively, I could accept the inevitable – that Edward and I are meant to be together despite the cruel twist of fate that crossed our paths that night – and I could forgive him now.
I stare vacuously now at the man I have come to love so irretrievably.
It is clear by the resigned and disconsolate set of his shoulders that he has already accepted that these are our final moments together.
Which is why it takes us both by surprise when I suddenly drop my bag and launch myself into his arms – knocking the umbrella out of his hands as I wrap my arms around him in a vice-like grip.
Edward staggers back, stunned for a moment by this unexpected response from me.
But he only hesitates for a moment.
"Bella," he chokes out as his arms quickly wrap around me, squeezing me back with so much force it's clear he never intends to let go.
"Baby, I love you so much," he rasps out. "I'm so sorry."
He rests his forward against mine, tears running in steadily rivulets down both of our faces and intermingling with the rain that still falls steadily around us.
"Shhh," I hush him. "Charlie would want me to be happy, to move on. You are the one I choose to make me happy."
He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes impossibly sad but with a small something shining around the edges … hope. He looks at me like I've just given him the greatest gift in the world.
"I can't pretend that we don't have a long road ahead of us. I still have lots of questions and we both have a lot of shit we need to resolve." I pause and he closes his eyes as he waits for me to speak.
"But for now what I'm trying to say is," I whisper softly. "Edward, I forgive you."
He gives a small choking sound before leaning forward to rest his forehead on my shoulder, the rain pouring around us as his white shirt becomes soaked through.
He pulls back and wipes the wet tendrils of hair back off my face, cupping my cheeks.
"Thank you," he breathes as if the weight of the world has been removed from his shoulders. "I will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of your forgiveness."
In the distance, I hear the train finally start to make its approach.
I lean in and gave Edward an intense kiss, filled with all the sadness, longing and love I am feeling for us in this moment.
There is still so much left for us to sort out but for the moment, I am hopeful.
"Take me home, Edward," I say softly.
With that he takes my hand and slowly leads me from the station.