This is a short one-shot of Kikyo's feelings after Inuyasha chooses Kagome. I dunno if I should make this into an opening for Sess/Kik fic though, or if I should just leave this be and create another fic like this one...
The song is My Immortal by Evanescence.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
She sighed, her eyes downcast, her face filled with grief. She didn't want to be here. She was scared and frightened. Cold and lonely. She hated it. She didn't want to be here. But she was here. The rain slid down her cheeks, mingling with the salty tears. Ebony hair lay on her shoulders, pressed down by the wetness. And the sorrow.
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
She just wanted to curl up in a corner. She was so tired. Her limbs felt dead. Why couldn't he just leave? She could fell his aura, there. Humming. Strong. Alive. She couldn't hate him. She loved him too much to hate him. Oh no, she couldn't do that. But she could hate her. That wench he chose over her. She could hate her. She should hate her. Her head fell down again.
What was she becoming? She was becoming a ghost, a pale reflection of her former self. Where was the smiling, laughing woman who she used to be? Where was the innocence that once burned like a flame in her heart? Where was the purity she as a miko was supposed to hold within herself?
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
He had killed her. One stab to the heart and she was gone. Gone... gone... to the wind...
Time eases all pain… Such a timeless saying. And eternal saying. Thousands would say it was true. Yet those thousands were lucky. She was not. Thousands would say it was true. Yet she knew that for each one of those thousands, another ten would disagree. No, another hundred.
This world is not for those who do not gain Fate's favor, she thought. It was true enough. Fate conspires against all beings, plotting and cheating to make ours lives miserable. A few are lucky and escape and Fate forgets about them. Others are not so fortunate. She was one of the unfortunate. The one he chose was one of the lucky. He was one of the lucky. She was not.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand for all of these years
But you still have all of me
She killed for him. She cried for him. She wept and sobbed and smiled for him. He held her hand. She comforted him. She offered him sanctuary. She offered him rest. She offered him a way out of the cruelty he knew every day. Shegave him love.
She did it all for him. All for his love. But those promises of a life together were broken. Gone. Demolished. Destroyed. By him. How could he? He promised to protect her. He promised to stay by her side. He promised a lifetime together. He promised her his love. He promised to protect her.
He never promised to protect you from himself, her mind whispered. No, never from himself. He promised to protect her from the light. From the dark. From the moon. From the sun. But never from himself. No, never from himself. Never from himself...
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
And it had been himself who had hurt her. Killed her. Broken her and left her on the ground like a broken doll. She smiled bitterly. She was a broken doll. How ironic.
Her aura and his. They had gone so well together. That one time she had been able to see it. It had been beautiful.
Purple mixed with blue creating a blend. Pink and red splotched it like stars on the night sky. Black thrown in created dark storm clouds that hovered at the edge of their existence. Silver and white ivory created a fine mist over the entire spectacle. The purple and blue blend swirled into a hodgepodge of darkness. The mist rolled and played across the dark like children would play in the sunshine. She had thought it meant they were meant to be.
But now, she saw her aura with his. They fit, like two broken pieces of a whole.
We never fit...
But now I'm bound by the light you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me
His face haunted her. She was never free of it. It haunted her thoughts. Her dreams. Her heart. Her voice floated around her. Every time she heard a male talk. Every time she heard the sweet mating songs of sparrows, she heard him. Calling her name. Professing his love.
A lie. It had all been a lie. Just a lie. Her love. Her life. Her purpose. All a lie. All a fantasy of what could never be. She had believed him. She had trusted him. And where was that trust now? Dead. Buried underneath layers of hard rock and soil.
What she was made of. She was dead now. But they still could have been together. They still could have lived together. Loved each other.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
He did this. This pain in her heart. He caused it. She should hate him. She should loathe him. But she couldn't. She had loved him. She still loved him.
The wounds of his betrayal were fresh and still bleeding. The other times were nothing like this. This pain was real. Too real. The wound was pouring crimson regret and gray sorrow. Her tears were lost amidst the tears of the Heavens.
She tilted her head up, allowing the rain to wash her face. Her garments were already soaked, but she didn't care. Her heart was already broken, nothing else could break her now. She was just an empty shell, void of anything. Everything. He had been everything.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand for all of these years
But you still have all of me
She killed for him. She cried for him. She wept and sobbed and smiled for him. How could he do this? She loved him!
He didn't love her.
We never fit... They were too different. She was ice and water. Calm, collected, reasonable. He was fire and heat. Rash, crass, excitable. But it could have worked. It could have worked. It could have worked...
Purity… She laughed bitterly into the sky. That was it. She was no longer pure. That wench was. Yes… that girl still shone with the light of one who was pure from the inside out. That girl was all of what his woman should be like. Fiery hot. A passionate heat to his flame. A giant soul to envelope his heart.
What, then, were the emotions they had felt so long ago? That passion… had it all been faux? A lie. It had all been a lie. Just a lie. Her love. Her life. Her purpose. All a lie. All a fantasy of what could never be. She had been willing to give up her life for him...
She sank to her knees as sobs wracked her body. She still had memories. She shut her eyes and buried her streaming face in her hand. Who was she kidding? Those memories… she realized now.
We never had anything… What I thought was love… It was merely a childish dream… A fool's dream… I was alone all along…
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Kikyo cried.